Who am I?

Thanks Odatt, your words really helped me today. I was so close to crumbling and I read what you had written and I read Dan's post- 913 and I read part of your diary and especially Day 18. I then felt exhausted and tried to nap. I then ate more crisps and a pot noodle (I really do not normally eat like this!) Then I watched a movie and now the urges have passed. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts, insight and advice with me.

The urges have passed. I am going to enjoy the rest of my evening. Day 19- you have tested me, but I am thankful I have not given in. I will be strong. I want to live my life gambling free.

Thankyou ' Who am I ' for your kind words . Sorry your having to struggle today with intrusive thoughts of gambling , focussing energies and thoughts on something else sometimes helps . I find dancing , swimming or going for walk to the pier helps distract my negative thoughts , however we are all different and have our own coping strategies .

You brought a smile to my face as I also love a session of chocolate and crisps . I don't keep them at home but occasionally treat myself to a binge / feast if going to watch a film .

Tomorrow will be 20 days since you last gambled . Congratulations . The early days of recovery is an emotional rollercoaster and your coping with it well ...... stephen x

Day 25 has been good . Bit chilly and dull outside but feeling sunny inside . Blew £ 3- 60 on an Hawaiian Shirt in the charity shop which will go down a treat at Salsa tomorrow night , might take the ladies minds off my two left feet .

Feeling very confident but know complacency can trigger a relapse . Can worrying about becoming complacent also be a trigger ! Who knows , I long ago gave up trying to understand this insidious compulsion to play roulette for hours on end until walking home penniless and feeling utterly dejected .

I constantly live in hope . Feeling better since joining Gamcare and looking forward to my first counselling session this friday .

IT IS MY CHOICE TO GAMBLE OR NOT TO GAMBLE , I PASSED A BOOKIES TODAY AND NOBODY TRIED TO DRAG ME IN .

I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS .....I AM STEPHEN ..... I CHOOSE NOT TO GAMBLE

Sorry ' Who am I ' that last post was meant for my diary . Stephen. x

No worries Stephen. Thank you as usual for your wisdom, I actually did have a lovely walk this evening with my partner in the rain and I hadn't taken a coat, but it was strangely exhilarating. We both enjoyed it. Had a wonderful evening such a contrast from earlier on.

No need to apologise- I always love to read about your journey. I am glad your are focused and keeping busy. I reckon the shirt will be a massive hit!

So proud of you. You are doing amazing! Keep shining like the star inside of you x

Day 20.

Today has been a good day, nothing inspirational or amazing has happened. It's been a normal working day and I'm looking forward to having my tea soon; healthy jacket potatoes after yesterday!! 🙂

I haven't had a single urge today. It feels strange. It feels good.

Day 22.

Had a really rubbish day yesterday, felt so down, nearly gambled, but I didn't.

Still feel abit out of sorts, but know I can get through it.

Hang in there and things will ease. As long as we stay GF we're winning Take care S 🙂

Day 22 ' Who am I ' you are doing so well . Sorry you didn't feel too good yesterday , sometimes we can feel a little down and the addiction tries to weaken our resolve . You have come through it though and I am so pleased .

Thought of your exhilarating walk in the rain on monday . I love an evening stroll to the pier where i look out over the River Humber , so peaceful it makes me feel so good , however never go in the rain and you have me wondering why ever not ? I have waterproofs and it would be exhilerating as you say .

Annoyed with myself yesterday , treated myself to a big bag of Sensations Crisps and not only did I eat them in one go but I also cut my tongue . Ouch it's still stinging .

I see a counsellor for the first time tomorrow , looking forward to that .

I feel my ' Angels ' are helping me on my quest . I know many people don't believe they are real but when I acknowledge them I can feel their comfort and support .

Take care you lovely person ....... stephen. x

Thanks Sharon and Stephen, your words mean alot.

Stephen sometimes I think you are an angel.

So... Day 24, still gamble free.

Had abit of a breakthrough yesterday.

Last night my partner and I were trying to decide what to do. He had loads of lovely ideas.. anyway fast forward we haven't gone out. He has just said to me, 'I don't want to upset you, but I think you need to get some help. I think your depressed you've been rooted to that bed all night, you literally cannot get out of it'. This hurts, but I guess the truth does hurt.

I think he is right.

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion the reason I gamble is like a form of self medicating, when I gamble I totally switch off, sometimes it even makes me feel better, win or lose, it's not about the money, it's almost like I use it as coping method. However, I understand that gambling may help me zone out at the time, but afterwards it just makes me feel worse and is very destructive to our life and our financial situation. Gambling is not the answer. It is never the answer, it is something I have used instead of dealing with my feelings.

I now know I need to work on my feelings. When I said in an earlier post 'What is it inside stopping me doing the things I want to do', I now realise the only thing stopping me is me. Sometimes I/ we make plans, but they don't happen, because of me.

I need to start working on being positive and having a zest for life again. I need to start forcing myself to do positive things. The daft thing is I always feel better after, it's just sometimes the initial getting ready and stepping out the house thats hard.

Today we have plans and I am going to embrace these plans and embrace the day.

'Let's spread our wings and fly' as a friend recently reminded us all.

Hi hope you'very got something planned for today! I can imagine for someone else to comment that you may depressed is hard to handle but the help and love is there for you . I can relate to yours posts though, part of me thinks that I my head I think that I don't deserve to be happy so I continue to punish myself over the mess U'very got myself into. I had a counselling assessment on Thursday and it surfaced that I haven't really been happy for 5/6 years which is sad and such a waste. So although it'S a struggle to be positive maybe try and set a goal of being positive for a short amount of time each day and extend it slightly everyday? I' certainly working on this ad I realise I have been possibly a bit depressed for a long time. Sorry this post is a bit blah blah but zinc totally get what you're saying. Have a great GF weekend and take care of yourself S 🙂 x

Thanks Sharon, this means alot.

I'm sorry you haven't been happy for a long time either, but I am glad you have had the courage to go for a counselling assessment to start adressing this. Your advice is great on trying to be positive for short amounts of time each day and extend it slightly everyday. I'm glad your working on this and I will definately try this. And yes having plans and forcing yourself to stick to them definately helps!

I do have plans today, I need to buy some presents for some upcoming birthdays and tonight we are out for a few hours socialising which is good. Hope you have got some plans for today too.

I hope you have a lovely day, be strong and remember you are on the start of of a wonderful journey, finding yourself 🙂

Hi Thanks for your thoughtful reply 🙂 I'm at work but when I go home I've decided to write myself a letter to open in a years time which will say where I want to be by then....If this sounds a bit jingly bell I agree!! But a year is a reasonable amount of time for me to get my life back on track and something to aim for, so in those low moments and times of feeling wobbly I can focus on who I want to be and where I'm going. Have a super Saturday, take care S:)

Thankyou ' Who am i ' for your lovely post on my diary . As always , your kind words lift my spirits .

Your now 25 days into your journey . Well done , I appreciate what a challenge it is . Wishing you every happiness and harmony in the coming days .

I am over my 24 hours of the blues . Feeling good and positive . Think my angels were trying to tell me to just live with it as it would pass .

I never bothered with my angels when I was gambling but I don't think they ever left me even in.the darkest of days . Its a comforting feeling , if I ask them something and the answer is ' Yes ' I feel a nice little tingling down my spine .

Take care ...... stephen

Day 27.

Still staying strong.

Sharon, writing a letter to yourself sounds like a beautiful idea!!!

Stephen thank you as usual for your kindness and I'm really glad your angels were watching over you and giving you strength.