Working in betting shop and fighting with my own addiction

Mate, well done for not gambling. I can understand how people feel when they see people winning. I have won so much but still have absolutely nothing. The bookies faces when I withdrew thousands on several occasions was that of dismay, little did they know I was chasing huge losses, that is usually the norm. Ask yourself how many people do you know that win in the bookie....There isn't any.That is the reality of it all.

My nephew is a manager in a bookies too...It sadly has made him gamble...We think we are in control...However, machines, dogs, horses or whatever, determine the outcome so we don't have no control whatsoeva over the outcome..Besides the odds are stacked against us...One more thing statistically every time we bet there is no greater or lesser chance of winning but the odds are never in the players favour.

Continue to win by not placing a single bet. That ensures you'll win.

I woke up this morning with a thought 'how sad I am because I've gambled not just the money, but my relationship as well.' I still dont understand why couldnt I stop myself at that moment.. its not what I wanted.. now everything is in such a mess.. I hate myself..

Laygro

Fella I feel for you, me I came within a day of ruining a twenty year relationship, three kids had to see the damage that my compulsion waged on not just my life but theirs too.

I understand today nearly two years into recovery that the scars will be there for life, the damage, the emotional damage can't be repaired, but you can look forward, you can through abstinence make changes to your life.

in october I waged a few hundred quid, 21 months of abstinence wiped out in three hours of madness, it was a very very foolish thing to do, why did I do it?

Because I let myself think I was cured, I stopped relentlessly pursuing recovery, with that I learnt a valuable lesson, in searching for a quick solution to a very temporary money shortage, I know without doubt

That the answer will never be found in a bet.

for us the outcome will only ever be the same. MISERY.

You made a choice to arrest that misery, I hope that it continues, I hope your resolve grows, mine does, I can say I wont be giving my gamble free days back to addiction.

The odds are just not worth it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thank you Duncan for sharing it with me. It will help to remember what is hidding behind that £1 bet or lottery ticket.. In my search for the reasons which led myself to gambling I have identified another strong obsession for money.. I remember myself in the past when money didnt mean so much as it does now. I feel that the roots of my gamble could be coming from this obsession, the need for more money.. So my question today is when have I developed it? when money became so important to me? 6-7 years ago it didnt play that improtant role in my life as it does now..

I have just came back from my first Gambling Anonymous (GA) meeting.. its the best day in my gambling 'career'. I was so scared to go there, didnt want to see people who might be my customers, but I had to.. If I am fighting with it I gonna use every possible 'weapon' to beat it.

I went there 25min earlier, being the first one and waiting for someone to join me.. It was a very long twenty five minutes.. So many things went through my mind. And they started gathering. I saw one familiar face, I felt a bit akward as he recognised me straight away. It wasn't easy to hold my emotions while listening to other members. I am glad that my addiction hasnt evolved yet as much as it did to others.. I'm glad that I came today.. but I'm sorry that I didnt go there the first time, when the person I love suggested it.. that probably would of saved me from losing her..

Now I know this is the place which will help me to answer my questions, this is the place were I can say anything and be heard without being judged . And now I understand that I am not a victim of gambling, I am a victim of myself.. I only can change my destructive behaviour by changing myself.. And I will do it by going to the GA meetings every week for as long as I need.

I WILL BE A BETTER PERSON I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE!!!

However, it will never take away the fact that I hurt my sweetie, my little girl.. I will always hate myself for everything bad I've done to her and for everything good I havnt done.. I love you..

I've only slept an hour yet, to many thoughts in my head.. to many uncertainties..

It was an emotional afternoon.. i was walking forward and backward in town without understanding were im going.. I was thinking about gambling and demaged relationship.. start thinking about the GA meeting i had yesterday. It helped me to highlight the fact that I dont need noone to stop me from gambling, I need to change my personality so that gambling would play no role in my life. What I probably trying to say is that by changing my priorities, daily habits or the way I do things, gambling will disappear from my life and all other negative stuff affecting me as well. I understand that it will take some time to achieve this, but I am up for it!

later my darling came back home, she looked worried. I thought I will try to calm her little bit by touching her hair and massaging her. i am glad she didnt push me away. Then I walked my sweetie to work, even though we didnt really talk to each other, but just to be next by her side felt really good. it was the highlight of my day.

To sum up, another day with no gambling.

hi , ive read some of your diary and i do fit in your trousers , and i do feel im strong but the urges are still coming and i wish if possible to start going to those meetings,can you refer me to one ?i live in east London.

Hopefully you are going to earn back the love of your life,keep strong!

It has been a busy and emotional weekend. Saturday all day at work kept me busy and active.. Sunday was a difficult one.. I felt like going through emotional rollercoaster.. it was pretty hard to be at work.. I just wanted to go home and avoid seeing people. However, I didnt have any choice..

A good thing which has happened throughout the weekend was the talk we had.. It doesnt change much, the relationship between us, or the fact that I have lied and kept it in secret so destroying the trust, but it helped to clear some tention.. I hope she will be more relaxed now as she has a difficult period in her life at this moment and all I want to make it easy as much as I can..

Tomorrow there is another GA meeting, I cant wait for it. It gives me guidance and reminds me what I dont want to be anymore. Thats the only way I see towards the change of my personality.

JUST ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I went to GA meeting today.. It was nice to talk loud about what I am going through and also to be listened. However, I feel a bit down at this minute.. I always thought I will have a normal life without any of this stuff.. It is hard to admit that I am a gambler and that I need more help than just my willpower. I wish I could turn a few pages back and rewrite the story..

A good thing is that I havnt had a bet yet this year. 21 DAYS.

JUST FOR TODAY I WILL NOT GAMBLE.

Still struggling to get my thoughts straight.. But continuing to focus on the daily little things to get me through this.. Anyway, Just for today I havnt gambled, I havnt tried to tackle my whole life problems and I have relaxed for at least half-hour..

I've been at work all day. It was a difficult one. My mood was crazy in the morning, I wanted to get out as quick as I can. I've tried to focus on different tasks I had to do throughout the day.. it helps little bit. But because my work is about interacting with punters, it reminds me the taste of gambling, the taste of winning.. I've tried not to think about it, but I know its still in the head hidding somewhere..

anyway no gamble this year yet. dealing with one day at a time and testing my patience. today I will start reading a book, havnt done it for a long time.. but i will do that after my GA meeting.

Laygro.

Just one day at a time.

Laygro well done in not gambling this year. I think you need too read deep into what gambling can do too you an how addictions can affect people, like am reading Richard Hughes the jockey book an how he fought the demon drink it's an addiction. There is gamble life story books out there, how famous people have had it all an lost it all through gambling. If you have a gamble problem you are at high risk too losing everything. I nearly did an came for help. You need too feel strongly that's it's wrong an focus on how you can stay gamble free. Like attend your meetings an read on how people have been where we are an how they got they life back an stayed gamble free. It must be hard having gambling problem an working in bookies, it's like a alcoholic working in a pub, would be really hard. Good luck hope I have helped a little. Stay strong an keep gamble free

Thanks allyc for the advice and support. It is much appreciated. I am affraid that I will relapse one day, so I'm just trying to prepare myself for that weak moment. I hope I will find some strenght from people in GA meetings and from people posting their diaries in this forum.. I hope I can strenghten my mind for it..

I am feeling fragile even now and all sort of thoughts are coming to my head.. It is fustrating that I cant control my mind at this moment.

Laygro

Fella don't be too hard on yourself, when you write

'I cant control my mind at this moment'

you do yourself an injustice my friend because for the whole of this year you have triumphed, you have made a choice to end the misery, yes there is sh#it to deal with the fallout of our actions, I will be emotionally repaying the damage for the rest of my life, but you should be proud.

f**k my friend, it may not feel like it but you have actually made yourself a winner, unlike the rest of the punters that come in your shop to win you like me win through Abstinence.

Keep making the right choice

Duncs stepping forward never back.