Worry and Regret

Exactly 36 weeks since my last bet. I do and I don’t take notice of my day count. It makes me happy for a few moments when I notice it but I am more than aware that doom is one bet away and destruction would commence. I’m aware of this and respect that my life is good because of the decision I made 36 weeks ago and everything positive thereafter is a consequence of not gambling. I am happier, fitter and healthier in body and mind. That’s a fact.

Of course it could have been so different. If I’d delayed the decision to quit gambling by even a day it may never have happened and today I’d be in disarray. 

Ive lost 12lbs since the lockdown began. Running consistently throughout and eating far healthier and less in the past five weeks. Shock horror. Ive been trying to lose just over a stone for the past decade without success and as soon as I became consistent it just happened. Similar story to my gambling journey. Its one thing to say you want it and another to actually do something about it everyday with consistency. 

Im sure I sound like Im up my own backside but I’ve been beating myself up for years and now I’m doing good so I’m happy to acknowledge it.

RR

Hello Mr RR. Hope you well. And well done too 

I'm feeling OK at mo and still gf. Incorporating walks and running and loving finding random new routes. My running is slower and ploddy but I have at last the benefit of meeting buddies again. I'm chuffed with thst. I'm out there doing it .... 

Enjoy your rest of the week.. Stay safe 

Boo ???

Thanks for your post Boo.

I ran 8 miles this morning with a strong fast finish. This afternoon Ive taken the kids a long 90 minute walk through the woods and nature trails. The area was very busy today compared with the usual and with this I get annoyed with the amount of litter thrown away during the route. The route is a lovely scenic walk and today the amount of rubbish left around was ridiculous. Why do people do this? Take care of nice things. People can be so lazy sometimes it annoys me. Anyway, I’ll try not to rant.

We are in strange times are we not. The world is changing, people are changing and what is and is not acceptable changes all the time. I look forward to returning to normal and peaceful times. I’ve been back at work for four weeks now and so structure creeps back into my life. The weekend is a different matter and I’ll need to be more patient than I’m probably capable of. I miss the things I used to do at the weekend but it’ll change in time.

I was supposed to be flying away on hols in ten days time. Its a shame and I feel sorry for the kids missing out but there’ll be others to look forward to.

I am noticing significant differences in terms of my finances due to the time off gambling. I really, really appreciate this. I’m not out buying lots of stuff but this subject is no longer a cause for concern or worry. At one point I couldn’t get to sleep for worrying about lost money and debt. Now I’ve no need to worry and Im very fortunate to be able to say this. It makes perfect sense I used to gamble a lot and I used to take large risks and today I don’t.

RR

Oh crikey have I been doing some moaning about work this week. I need to settle down. Probably like most gambling addicts I dont do well with patience. I want work to return to normal. I can deal with home life being different. I dont miss shopping, in fact I love not having to go shopping. I don’t often go to pubs and I can get by without going to restaurants although I usually love eating out. I can even accept I’m not flying away on holiday next week. But, work in the current situation is driving me insane.

I’m fitter and healthier than I’ve been in years and I thank lockdown for that. It gave me a window of opportunity to exercise, eat better and rest better and my stress levels reduced to a nice level. They’re defo starting to creep back up again.

As always, I’m most grateful for no longer being a gambler in action. I shudder to think the damage I could have created for myself in the past 13 weeks. I’d have gambled online which is to say I’d have access 24 hrs a day and 7 days a week. It would have been disastrous.

I miss the football. I look forward to the new season and later the opportunity to return to viewing games in person. 

RR

Hi RR... its good to read whats its like to live life normally and to be persistent and consistent in recovery.

I have memories of being this way, but its several years ago now.

As iv'e said in my own diary. Am surprised am still alive. But I am so I still have my chance to change.

Keep up your good work.

I relate to much of what you say, except the football. I have no interest in a bunch of blokes kicking a ball about 🙂

Regards.. S.A 

I’ve been a bit down today. It’s funny how that happens to us. No real reason for feeling like this. Its just a day and tomorrow will be better.

I went a 12 mile run yesterday which was stupid because I’d hurt my hamstring earlier in the week and had a few days off running. It started hurting six miles from home and I had to endure a bit of pain for six miles on the way back. I was in the middle of nowhere out in the countryside and didn’t have much choice.

Perhaps today I’ve missed my run and realise I could be facing a week or so out of action. If I’m careful it could be 4 days fingers crossed.

I rely on my daily runs now. Some may think that’s sad or weird but I don’t care. It sets me up for the day and I feel good and positive afterwards. Today, on a weekend when shutdown still exists, I’ve been bored and found it quite difficult.

I’m tired and need a good nights sleep. Tomorrow will be better.

RR

Hi I know what you mean yesterday I was a great day happy and laughing with family Today job to walk the dogs and just on a down day I hope your hamstring gets better soon and you can run again scotty 

Frustrated and bored this afternoon. I went to the garden centre to buy weed killer, grass feed and some other items. It started pouring as soon as I got home and hasn’t stopped.

Went a run this morning with son and I still don’t feel great. Same yesterday.

Anyway, just need to cowboy up and get on with life.

RR

Hiya my friend 

We all have up and down days I don't know if you have read any off my posts but I was the exact same as you in one hour I lost nearly  £8000 that I never had and got myself in so much debt leaving my partner and kids in such a whole.  24th of April that was my devil day leaving me ashamed and embarrassed having to go to a church twice for food parcels to feed my family. Each day is another day away from the evil of that terrible addiction called hell, from one day to the next I'm just taken it all in if I can get through all this and just have enough money to live and feed my family I will be more than happy. I've never been in a position before where I can't dig myself out but I'm so determined that my gambling day's are over. I hate what I've done,  and can't believe I allowed myself to be so stupid but that's addiction for you. I hope you can pull your mood up my friend 

Hello RR. 

Some days just lately are heavy. Its easy to get thrown of course with our moods lately. 

Im hoping that it's your hamstring at the root cause and your norm be  restored. 

Do take care and keep us up to date with progress 

Boo ?

Hi... hope your feeling more upbeat.

I went for a run today and thought of you. Its been a couple of weeks since i last jogged. I think I lost the habit because of the hot weather but am planning to get back to it now as i have some time off.

Life goes on.... 

The weather where I stay has been horrendous for the past week with rain that never stops. I’m back to running which gives me a focus and breaks up a day off staying in.

I feel sorry for the kids. They’re getting a bit bored but if the sun ever returns I can start taking them out again.

I am about nine and a half months off a bet and its been a strange time. Lots has happened in that nine months. The world has changed so much, people have had to change so much. I’m incredibly grateful that I managed to stop gambling. I have a lot to be grateful for. COVID-19 hasn't affected our finances and I’m aware that for many on furlough or made redundant times are tough. As we move into the second half of the year many challenges and tough times may lay ahead but we just need to do our best and deal with what comes our way. We’re all best equipped to do this without gambling in our lives I think.

RR

Good post RR  true there are better things for our time and money. And things that don't have such a detrimental effect on our mental health . I think yours was the second thread I read when I first came on this forum and I found it inspiring. Well done on your journey so far and I'm glad you accept that there will always be difficult times I too am beginning to accept this as a lifelong recovery. I'm day 32 today and am really starting to chip away at things and recognise signs and symptoms of this awful addiction. The future is brighter even with the hurdles that we face. Best wishes RR.

As I sit here with ice packs on hamstrings and calves I thought I should post something I’m not doing anything or going anywhere for the next 20 minutes. 

I’ve had a highly efficient last few days. I’ve weeded and cleaned the driveway, treated and cut the grass and this weekend I’ll be trimming hedges. I continue to run daily but after stupidly doing some speed work a few days ago my old football injuries come back to plague me again. From waist down all major muscle groups are prone to injury and ridden with scar tissue. I need to manage myself better and be aware of what I can and can’t do ( that’ll never happen I’m a big kid who still thinks I’m 18).

I read somewhere recently that the share price in various gambling companies increased significantly in the past month. Bizarre to think that shares in the world markets has plummeted in past three months yet gambling companies continue to thrive. This was due to increased traffic in online gambling. Inevitable really. Still it makes me sad.

I need to start putting down some of my past experiences with gambling and I’ll start this shortly. Sometimes stories like this don’t always read as well as they were in reality. I’ve had some bad experiences. Some crazy, bonkers situations. I wish I had been captured on camera. I often wondered how I appeared when in a brutally desperate situation - the worry, the concern, fear. Then, the big save when you win it back or the acceptance when you lose everything you have. I lived in this state almost daily for years. How did nobody know? How could I have hid my behaviours so well?

RR

Hello RR. Sorry to hear your nagging aches and pains but solid in still not gambling and taking time to still see how the big gaming industries are thriving.  I've said all through lockdown they would never struggle and I fear for the vulnerable people who will be drawn to it. I know only too well. 

I'm still doing some running two to three times a week incorporating walks too. And working my two 12 hour shifts each week. It all adds up to keeping Mr boredom at bay. 

Just hoping for slight weather improvement but we can't have it all as they say... Being in a good place  with my mind and body with more than suffice at the moment.

Take care 

Boo ??