Worse than ever

Hi there,

Mentally I have zero want in stopping. I am probably 70k down over this past year and it all feels pretty numb I don't really feel anything.

I got myself a little bit together for the past year than a culmination of small months has lead to this last week knowing that Cheltenham was coming up it. It whet my appetite which timely just coincided with me taking out a loan to consolidate my credit card debt. I felt free without so many shackles of the repayments and laughed in my head of how every time before I've been given this reign I've spent all the money and been back in square one. Of course I believed this would never happen again. It did, much quicker than usual. Betting 1000 on a horse feels like nothing. I had made it all back 5k down but my horse while clear fell at the last and then I am even more tilted. I can't stop. 

With 3 days left of Cheltenham I have not one voice in me telling me to stop even though I can firmly realise how depraved this is. I would rather blow everything than lose but I just can't care enough to hit rock rock bottom. I've been at rock bottom that many times and not stopped it doesn't feel like it exists. The sad thing is losing everything is never everything I can go bankrupt its so so so depraved.

I guess it must mean something that I am here but it doesn't register as any feeling just complete nothing.