A catch up

I am so happy to read this post....the story reminds me alot of my past and I think that's part of the reason I always look out for you posting 🙂

I still worry a little for you, as he is still actively gambling, but I know you wouldn't allow him back if you were not in control of that.

Its so nice to read positive things happening on here as there is a lot of unhappy stories.

Damo x

Hi Damo

Thank you for your support.

After my son left at the beginning of the year both my husband and I said we'd never live with him again while he gambles, and we meant it at the time.

We definetly made the right desicion when we told him to leave and if it ever got to that point again I know we'd do it again to protect ourselves and he knows we would.

I know my sons addiction comes down to him, only he can decide when or if he wants recovery. However during the months we didn't see him my husband and I have done a lot of questioning ourselves, - what it was that we wanted. The bottom line is we just want him to be well and to treat us well too, the gambling was a sort of side issue it was the awful behaviour we couldnt handle. Im still not really sure what compulsive gambling is or what causes it, yes of course I see what it does but what ever it is or isnt in our our eyes hes ill, and needs help.That doesnt mean we'll accept awful behaviour and let him treat us badly for us it means loving him while to trying to be understanding and patient and being there to support him if and when he needs it.

We decided to just wait for him to see if he approaches us and if he did it would be on our terms not his and he could either do what we ask or we'd walk away again. I cant say for certain wether hes reached rock bottom, maybe he hasnt if he,s still gambling but I know he has had some harsh consequences came back to bite him (too long a story), I do think hes a had a very big reality check if nothing else.

He knows in no uncertain terms that its our way or not at all, and he is doing what we ask, and there wont be any excuses. We dont talk about whats been and done, not that weve forgotten the awful things he's said and done, but staying angry and upset doesnt help any of us.

One important thing Ive had to learn is to leave him alone, he gets on with his life and I get on with mine, pretty much like any family does. Its calm and peaceful and hes doing everything we ask and as long as it stays that way it should be fine. Yes of course we want him to stop gambling all together but theres more chance of that ever happening if he knows he can come to us for moral support and if we keep fighting thats never going to happen. I was once told to take things one day at time and thats exactly what I do.

X

I wish someone had taken this stance with me a long time ago. Very courageous what you did.

KTF

So happy that you have found some peace and happiness! You must be thrilled at the re-emergence of your son. May the recovery long continue:)

Cathyxxx

You are doing your best and giving love and support to your child that's what parents are for. That's all any child can ask for no matter how old or the problems they have. By setting your rules he has boundaries he should not cross. Stay strong I am happy to read that you have him back.

Bee Jay

Hi Phoenix, so pleased you're son is back home with you and you are all feeling optimistic about the future. I wish you all every happiness xx wcid

Hi Phoenix... thinking of you and hope all is well in your world:)

Cathyx

Hi Amom

Thank you for asking 🙂

Im afraid we're not much further forward my son has slipped further and further back into gambling, he never really stopped. He had greatly reduced the frequency and amounts he was gambling and seemed generally happier and better in himself. The last few weeks have seen him become more withdrawn and hes gambling all his wages with in a few hours each week again.

Hes polite and theres no sign of any aggression and stays in his room practically the whole time hes at home.He does contribute a little to household bills and is paying us back money hes stolen from us, although in hindsight I wish we'd insisted on more, think we've been too generous. He's stopped taking care of his appearance again and his room is disgusting, although he occassionally might do some laundry.

When he came home it was with the intention of him going back into education, and he was told by the university he could go back but due to finance issues hes not been able to go. He did talk about making other plans but hasnt done anything about them. We made it very clear that him coming home would be on our terms, and took precautions to protect our finances and we have control of his bank account and debit card so believed that in turn would be at least limiting any financial damage he could do. But it hasnt worked out like that, he has another older card registered at many online sites that we thought had been cancelled, and now he refuses to cancel it, and we cant do it he has to speak to his bank to do that. Again its like cat and mouse hes always one step ahead.

For all hes quiet and polite hes still as incredibly selfish as ever, and thats the part that bothers me the most. Im not in good health and my husband works long hours but we dont even get a thought its all about him, he'll not do a thing to help either of us.

Theres no sign of him wanting recovery and why should he, hes too comfortable and its our own fault we should of toughed it out longer. Ive no idea what or even if we do now, its the same merry go round all over again. Im not well enough to go through any more dramas and my husband is far far too weary of it all. Part of me wishes hed just go away and leave us alone.

X

I

Hello Phoenix67,

It sounds like it has been a frustrating time for you and your husband, when trying to help and support your son who is problem gambling. It sounds like you have both put a lot of steps in place to restrict your sons access to gambling, and give him the support to stop, and your intial action of no longer having him in the family home had helped him to realise the consequences of his gambling behaviour and actions.

It is can be very difficult to see someone you love and care for, behaving very different and affecting the emotions and health of the people around them because of their problem gambling. We understand that you may want to provide all the support and help possible, however the problem gambler will have to take repsonsibility and action their recovery themselves as this will allow them to show their commitment to the recovery process, but also will give him some sense of empowerment and achievement in having taken steps towards their own recovery. It can be difficult for family to take a step back and allow the problem gambler to initiate the steps and process of recovery, however if they are truly motivated and ready to stop then they will do so. It might be helpful for you to seek some support via GamAnon, who provide support groups for affected others.

http://gamanon.org.uk/

This is the link to their website, where you can find information on a local support group.

Please feel free to contact our helpline and netline advisors for any further information and support; 0808 8020 133.

Take Care

Forum Admin

Oh Phoenix Im so sorry. It's hell on earth. Be kind to yourself. I know you can't get to Gam Anon so I am going to bring my last meeting to you..." sometimes not making a choice is making a choice". If you aren't sure what to do then sit tight rather than doing or saying something you can't follow thru with.Sometimes we know what we should do but just aren't ready.

We both know you can't make a CG see what they are doing and nor will your tears make this stop. Please try and remember you have done/said everything you can... recovery lies in your sons hands.

Maybe a call to Gamcare for some support in the meantime??

Please take care of yourself.

Cathyx

Hi

Samson Im very pleased to hear you're in recovery, its great reminder for me that recovery is possible.

We have reminded him of all the good things he has in life, and what he risks losing, but he doesnt answer, blank stares at best. Hes dad crying and begging him to get help didnt get the response you had with your dad, we have literally tried everything. He refuses to talk about it, and if he thinks for even a second you might mention it, he leaves the room very quickly. He cant look me in the eye, either looks down or to the side, and this is just asking him simple every day things. Its very obvious to me that hes having a very hard time.

Our relationship had broken down to the point where we thought it could never be repaired, and to even be on speaking terms with out arguing is a big positive. My other son still wont have anything to do with his brother, says hes done with him and I understand why.

Amom you're spot on its exactly how it is, and I never looked it like not making a choice is a choice, I saw it more like I was putting my head in the sand, so thank you for that :). Ive been feeling like we should be doing something, just no idea what after all we've said and done everything we can think of many times over.

A relative said to me recently we'd given in letting him home, he'd never learn if we gave in, and he was just manipulating us all over again. Maybe he is I dont know but I do know hes had some pretty harsh consequnces during the time we didnt see him and I know he's had big reality check, not enough for him to want recovery though.

Weve asked ourselves what is it that we want and its still the same, for him to be safe and that he treats us ok. Its been made very clear what is expected of him and so far hes doing what we ask, wether thats because he has remorse for the way hes behaved or is just fearfull that we'd make him leave again Im not sure.

Hes safe so that stops me worrying so much but we dont do anything else for him, its not like the usual parent son relationship any more.

Cathy, I feel so much better so thank you, Ive been stressing over what we should do but now I feel more confident just to sit tight and leave things as they are for now. Hes safe and its a quiet calm home and Im grateful for that.

Ann x

Hi

Thank you Samson.

My son has said a few times he wants to stop but seems to think will power alone will do it, and when I mentioned GA he said he's not like people who go to GA, Im not sure what he means by that. He went to counselling for a short while but stopped going and wont go back. He has all the support available to him for recovery but for what ever reason he wont use it, so wether hes frightened or doesnt really want to stop I dont know.

I see the same thing happening every week, it gets close to pay day and he starts getting very irritable and restless and by the next morning hes very withdrawn and I know his wages have gone. Ive asked him if he'd like me to take his wages off him and keep them safe and its no. I cant think of a single thing we haven't tried, but he just doesnt want to know.

I dont understand how after all the things thats happened he doesnt choose recovery, he and us have been to hell and back, and its still not enough.

Im ok, well if thats the word Im getting on with my own life, but its hard to stay positive when this has been going on for years and its the same thing over and over.

X

Hi

Im not really sure why Im posting again, but its 3am and I cant sleep and the loneliness tonight is really hard. I say loneliness, maybe thats not the right word, my husband is asleep in bed and my son is in his room on his phone but I feel very alone with this tonight.

My son agreed to letting me move his wages from his account to mine and Ive sat up all night waiting for them to appear in his account. Id checked one minute not there, went back 5 minutes later and half was already gone, Im guessing its all gone by now but Im not going to look.

Ive tried talking to him but he just stares blankly into the distance not saying a word. I dont get it, I dont raise my voice, Im calm dont say anything negative but nothing absolutely nothing. I have to stop myself shaking him to get any response from him.

Hes not aggressive or abusive and I know he must be hurting so much, but Im so dam sick of this and cant ever see this ending. Today I fell over, I have mobility problems and getting back up is difficult but he just sat there and watched me, never said a word. Im fine and its just another thing to add to a long list of his selfishness, he doesnt give a s**t about anyone in fact I think he might well hate me and his dad.

I cant decide whats worse not seeing him for 6 months and finding him living in a filthy hole of a place or living like this. I wont let myself get to low point I did earlier this year, but Im so seriously fed up of this and cant even bare to look at him.

Morning, Phoenix,

Presumably you posted because you're upset and losing sleep over your situation? Which is what the forum is there for.

Look, my sympathy and support is there and a given but no magic wand. You can't fix him but you know that. All you can do is take care of you and your husband. But also you might think if in trying to help him, you end up cushioning him from consequences.

The trouble is that standards and expectations of him are so very low and he's not exactly raising the bar. He's not been agressive, all good, but failing to help you after your fall? Is that really an acceptable way to treat your mother? And sorry, I'm not trying to be hurtful but in my opinion it doesn't help you to convince yourself that it's ok, the lost sleep suggests that it's not. If his behaviour isn't acceptable, maybe it's best to acknowledge that?

I would suggest a reread of the GamAnon literature and a return to the counselling. Also, beware of chasing mice, it's no good getting involved and investing your emotional energy in racing to be the first to get to his wages. It won't stop him, even if you do win the race.

And one last painful question: is he paying a fair rent for his food and board or are you effectively freeing up his wages for gambling?

The GamAnon advice is to detach with love, it's not an abandonment but an acknowledgment that he has to be his own salvation. Focus on you, on your needs and on your husband.

Take care,

CW