Advice please

Hi,

Apologies if the following comes across as unfriendly, I don't intend to be but I do advise you to stop and think very seriously about your situation. Otherwise you risk ending up like me, not to be recommended.

Something is worrying you about his gambling. Some instinct is telling you that all is not well. Suppress that instinct at your peril. If you think that something is wrong, there's a reason why you think it and it's not because you're imagining things or because you've suddenly become paranoid. It's because he's a gambling addict who has resumed gambling.

Why exactly do you suggest that what he is doing is harmless and you are probably fussing unnecessarily? Because he says so, perhaps quite firmly and it's easier if he's right?

Active gamblers are manipulative, all that matters is the next bet and they will say or do anything to get you off their back. Are you really being overprotective? Or do your concerns interfere with his gambling?

There is such a thing as social gambling, where a player can take it or leave it. But once addiction steps in, social gambling goes, compulsive gambling takes over and a CG can't win because they can't stop. A CG can't take it or leave it, the compulsion rules.

Not everyone who drinks, even to excess is an alcoholic. But once addiction takes over, an alcoholic can't have a little drink, similarly, a CG can't gamble in a controlled way. And addiction progresses, unchecked, the only way is down, all his money, then on to other people's, (yours, debts, loans), with permission at first and then in some cases, eventually without. Bills, rent and mortgage are paid at first and then as the addiction progresses, they go unpaid, unless you pay them. And it's not just the money, it's the moodiness, eggshells, remoteness, lies, blame that goes with addiction, the stress to you. Is this how you want to live your life?

If he really wants to stop, there's a lot he can do to show you he's serious. If not, I wouldn't get any further involved. Don't buy a house with him unless you're prepared to risk his share of it going to creditors.

Do what's best for you.

CW

Hi there you are wise to be cautious, does your boyfriends mum know about his gambling? How do you know he has stopped the online roulette? do you believe everything he's telling you? - I'm sorry to sound negative, my son told me plenty of lies before I found out he was gambling, he wasn't ready to admit to having a problem at the time. at his highest my son was gambling £300 a week, maybe not as much as other people but still damaged his lifestyle and health, not being able to pay bills and being agitated because of it all. I am now on my sons online banking and can see every transaction he makes and am able to transfer money in and out of his account. Would this be a possibility for your boyfriend? If he's serious about your relationship and your future together would he let this happen? at least that way you can see everything? If he's not ready to make that commitment then I would give it some time before I committed into buying a home together. I hope you get sorted, there are plenty of success stories on this website so it can work out. Take care wcid.

Hi there. I too apologise if this sounds negative or hurtful in anyway.....but please heed the words of the above posters! Do not tie yourself in anyway legally to this person whilst he is gambling. The problems it can cause down the line when you eventually reach your limit, which you will, everyone has one, are costly in many ways. Take it from someone who knows. If your gut instincts are telling you that something isn't right and you don't trust him 100% then listen to that...ignore it at your peril! I wish I had listened to my head and not my heart all those years ago and stayed well away. But then I would never have had my extra 2 children, whom I adore with all my being as I do my eldest daughter (not his). They are the only good to come out of him, but he will use them to destroy me as much as he can, he has basically told me so!

My other advice is to read as much about compulsive gambling as you can. Understand the traits and behaviours exhibited by them. Tick off all the ones that relate to your oh. Remember them. If you do decide to buy a house, make sure you cover your @r*e legally as much as you can. Seek advice on this. I know people who have had a contract drawn that states, on one case, that it is not an equal share to the house as she earns considerably less than him, so in the event of their relationship breaking down, the house will be sold and divided at a 35/65% or he will buy her 35% share out. Just a thought and you would have to get the correct advice but it may give you peace of mind moving forward.

Good luck and all the very best x

I found out that my partner is gambling online again he promised me that he would stop the last two times that i have found out but this time i feel so used. He has useed the netline service on here and has a number to call tomorrow but he is still insisting that it is fine to play on fruit machine/ gambling sites if they are free. I dont know what to do anymore as he has broken my trust yet again.

cherie

Hi, Cherie,

You're not alone but it's time to get help and support for you to cope with the situation that you're in. Move the focus on to you, rather than having your happiness and peace of mind determined by whether or not he gambles. You don't control his gambling.

If he wants to stop, there's a lot he can do and none of it involves free play on machines. But you can't make him stop...just as you don't make him gamble. Hence the advice to concentrate on helping yourself.

Read the forum, so that you can recognise the gambling addictive behaviour for what it is. GamCare offer counselling to family members, also group support meetings ie GamAnon are helpful. Tell someone you trust in real life.

Take this help for you, that's the best starting point.

Finally, if you click "new topic" at the end of the friends and family page, you can start your own thread.

Take care,

CW

Hi

I was a gambling addict for 16 years.

I have to be wary of transferring my own addictive traits onto yr boyfriend- but. ..I think what CW says above is right.

If you're an addict then 'rationale' goes out the window. He admits to being a former addict. It's therefore highly unlikely he is capable of gambling in moderation. Only non-addicts can do the moderation thing.

And anyway, a former addict knows the devastation. He might say gambling is no longer a big deal, a take or leave. But if that's the case why still have this little fun preoccupation? Seems the only answer is that the addictive 'fog' is still there. Why else flirt with something so risky?

I managed quite a few serious relationships with gf's being kept either totally in dark or mostly so. Also kept a pretty respectable normal life - even crafted something of a care free lifestyle image. (actually being 'chilled' meant sneaking off to gamble all the time -cos I was scared -scared deep down that I wasn't what I thought I should be)

If you're an addict you can't be @rsed with yr gf knowing too much - gets in the way too much and you feel ashamed. circumstances might dictate partial disclosure to get by (perhaps intermediaries know ). Sometimes the shame might get so strong (after a loss) that there's a spontaneous need to disclose. Even then it's sneaky how disclosure is often only partial.

But unless you have full access to his credit profile (which is possible) its more likely than not that the truth is worse than you are told.

Sorry that's quite a sobering post. But it's written by a fellow addict.

I'm surprised this hasn't been suggested already, but full bank statements and access to his credit file are the bare minimum if you are gona become liable for his debt (which u pretty much would be)

Best wishes

Louis

Thank you Cynical Wife and cardhue the advice is much appreciated and its nice to know i have somewhere i can get help too x