i posted here last july about my partner and how he blew 400 in 10 days and then had the cheeck to tell me he had no money towards our first family holiday. I used a small inheritance to take us on holiday. He didn't contribute a single penny. I opened his bank statement and found how much he was spending on online gambling.
With some great advice from one of the sites moderators I spoke to him , I was kind, supportive and non accusatory. he admitted he had a problem but promised that he had blocked all the online sites and felt that he could give up .He showed me his next bank statement and there were no bets on it.
Something made me open his bank statement today. 200 in 10 days. We have 4 daughters to support. I haven't bought new clothes in I don't know how long, we rarely go out, we can't afford to go away and he has gambled what disposable income he had. I realise a few hundred pounds is not as much as some, but it is a big deal to me.
he promised me, he lied. I just knew something was up as soccer saturday has become a very grumpy affair, he is glued to his phone and Mr Moody is back.
I'm sick sore and tired of being lied to
Hi Wishful1, so sorry that you are experiencing these problems again.
The best case scenario would be that he told you he was experiencing urges to gamble again. The second best would be to tell you straight away after he has made a mistake.
Unfortunately, he has let the problem snowball again, which invevitably always leads to you being found out at some point. You are quite right when you say it isn't how much, but about the effect it has on you and your children.
You have a right to live without constant worry; he cannot expect you to continually be looking over your shoulder.
The time has come to take this up a couple of notches my friend - you can't allow this to continue; he has no control, he has let you down and now you need to ensure the safety and security of you and your family. He needs to block these sites again, he needs to either hand over full and final control of his finances to you, or show you his statements, each and every month.
You have given him trust, you have believed in him; it hasn't worked, and now you have to be practical; if you doubt yourself, then remind yourself that this is all for his, yours and your childrens long term benefit.
It is disappointing that he felt he couldn't come to you. Everything was out in the open, there were no more secrets; there is great shame in admitting you are having urges, or have made a mistake but nothing is worse than you finding out of your own accord. He must understand that and offer you absolutely honesty, without exception.
JamesP
As ever great advice James, thank you. I spoke to him last night, at first he denied that he had been gambling again and eventually admitted it. He allowed me to look over his bank statements and over the last 7 months or so there have just been a few bets here and there, totalling about 100. This month however he has spent 300. he says he doesn't know what happened this month.
Again I think he wanted me to feel sorry for him, I don't.
I told him that this is his problem, that he needs to sort it out. I told him I would support him, but that he needs to seek help, to come up with an action plan and to let me know what he decides. I also told him that this is it his last chance, I realise that this seems harsh, but I have myself and our kids to consider.
You're very welcome Wishful1, no problem at all.
100 over seven months would sound like some sort of progress in other circumstances, but not when you consider what has happened between you before.
These are the kind of times where I wish I could speak to him myself. If I did, I would say that you won't get anywhere, ever, by "cutting down" - the reason is that he (or I) can't guarantee how we will feel or react on any given day - the fact that he has spiralled out of control to 300 this month is proof of that.
I tried and failed countless times, until I realized that even pennies in a penny arcade are too much; it isn't about what you are spending, it is what it will lead to; it has to be zero tolerance, there is no other way.
You are handling this in exactly the right way; there is only so much you can do and any kind of action has to come from him. It is fine to try and fail, but not trying hard enough and not giving you the honesty you deserve, is unacceptable and you have ever right to consider your future.
Let's hope that this is the turning point where he really does put everything into this.
JamesP
Hello Wishful
Sorry to hear about your problems.
Gambling addiction is serious and it affects many but like James says recovery does need action
the only thing i would like to ask is you keep communicating. Giving any addicts 'last chances' rarely works as they have no incentive to declare a bet if it happens again. Maybe the solution would be to ask him to be honest with you if he does bet again?
I totally appreciate where you are coming from Triangle, but for me this is it, there will be no other chances. I fell in love with a man who was pleasant, outgoing thoughtful and generous. Now I have grumpy, self centred stingy and quiet. This is not what I signed up for.
he has booked a session with an addiction therapist, this is great, I am proud of him that he has taken this step. I have told him so, but I worry that he will lie to her and this will all happen again.
I know I need to keep communication open, but right now I am still very angry and let down, and he is delighted with himself that he booked a therapy session. I think relate is the next step for us, or we have no future.
Dear wishful
I too fell in love so deeply with a fun loving laughter filled man and went on to have my amazing children with him.
He didn't turn from this amazing man to a monster tho. He always had the monster inside him he just hid it well. What I actually married was a liar and a very good one at that.
I discovered so much about him over 15 years and none of it was nice
I too gave one last chance many many times.
The last chance ended 3 weeks ago, it's hard, it's emotional and devastating its a head **** at the best. But I'm here 3 weeks on and still fighting for my freedom from 15 years of lies gambling and debts.
I can't have communication of any sort with him at the moment. Not even about our children. He's not in the right frame of mind. Maybe one day. But not yet.
Just remember all the feeling you have including anger are normal in our situation and you are entitled to them. More so than he is. You didn't cause this influence or choose the situation you are in now.
I wish you luck and strength going forwards x
Shellyb
shelly,
thanks so much for your comments. I have read your story and I am so sorry for the pain that you have been put through. You are amazingly strong to have taken steps to protect your family. I sincerely hope that you will be able to build a relationship with this man who is your kids father. That is up to him though, you need to focus on you, get yourself safe and secure and let him come to you when he has calmed down, the very best of luck to you x
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