Hi
I don't know where to start really, briefly I am 28, have two boys 8 & 5, I was married to their father. We split and I started a relationship with a long time friend. He has two children both under the age of 6.
We now live together, we have his children most weekends and my children live with us minus one night per week when they stay with their dad.
I have always known my boyfried gambled, I only really got the extent of it about 16 months ago when he admitted to me it was sill a massive problem and he had debts. He allowed me access to his banking and I was quite shocked to find he was gambling between 2- 8K a month. He has a really high income- this actually is probably his downfall as he has always had excess money.
I took control of the finances and together each month we paid alot of debts off. We moved in together and we put money togetherm we want to buy a house so we have been trying to save/ pay debts off. He is around 25k of debt I would guess. I have secured two credit cards on 0% intrest.
He has only manged to give up a few times, but it always creeps back, 20 pound here and there and brushes it off as just a flutter, but it always always creeps up to spending hundreds of pounds in one day, today has been 1000.
Im finding it hard, I love him but I worry, I worry about if his income drops would we actually have any money to live off. Are we ever going to pay the debts off and buy a house.
My income is 1300/1400 a month, I put that into our pot and we pay bilss together. I feel abit resentful sometimes because my job is hard and often I miss things wit the kids, night shfts I hate, im missing my sons first sports day next week as I can't get it off, and then he just goes and spends near enough all my wage in one day. I know its technically not my wage but it nearly totals what I put in so I feel like whats the point?
I would like a baby with hi in the future we have both said when we are more financially secure, but is this ever going to happen?
I feel lost with it, if I go mad I know he will get angry and feel even worse than he does but if I don't react how will this ever get fixed.
Right now with his income it is recoverable he earns around 60k per year. What if one of us gets ill though? what if he gets made redundant, surely the urge will still be as strong and then it might creep into spending rent/ money to survive on?
I love him so much, and in every other way he is a great boyfrined/ dad/ stepdad and we are best friends. He does tell me every time he gambles but I JUST DON'T know how to handle this.
He has tried GA meetings but it didn't seem to work, he never sticks to counciling, he sees it as a waste, he goes to one or two and then says he doesnt want to spend the money. In every other way he is overly careful with money. This also causes resentment because he says so much we need to cut back with spending food/ eatingout/ gas ect but then does that and I struggle to deal with it
He has been gambling since he was about 18 and is now 32.
Any help?
Hi Nurse2014
Well done for posting and welcome to the Friends and Family section of our forum. As you'll have seen you aren't alone here in having such problems - a lot of the resentment and frustration you describe is really common in people who live with a problem gambler, especially one who is still gambling.
I'm sure one of the forum members will be along here soon to offer some advice, but I wanted to suggest as a starting point that it sounds like your position is made more difficult because although your partner is honest with you about the gambling, he doesnt seem to have much in place to help him stop. It's not clear from your post whether he is certain he wants to stop at the moment, which is really the most important thing. For example, he still has access to a lot of money every month to gamble with - is that something that could change?
It might also help you to know that GamCare offer free counselling, for both yourself and your partner, and you can contact us to talk about this on our helpline 0808 803 0133 or talk to us online at www.gamcare.org.uk/netline.
In addition to GA, there is also Gam-Anon for partners and families, which you can look at here and maybe other forum members can tell you about as well.
Best wishes
Rebecca
Come to a GAM anon meeting if you can, some time talking things through with people who know how you feel would help.
Sadly, if he doesn't want to stop, he won't and there's nothing can be done about that. What can happen is you can reprioritise what us important. I would say what's the point of you working if he can afford to gamble your months wages in a day, it sounds like you'd rather invest you time in your children, do it, your wages are irrelevant to him so do what makes you happy.
You're the sane one in this relationship, what you say goes.
Hi, I am a recovering CG.
From what you have said, I would say thet he is not readyor willing to attempt to give up the gambling. As Pangolin has said, A CG has to want to stop. In a lot of cases this occurs when the money dries up. I hope that is not the case with your partner.
If he does get serious about giving up, GA and/or counselling are the 2 methods to attack the problem. Any money spent on counselling would be a pittance compared to what he spends when he is gambling. He should be willing to hand over financial control ot you or a member of his family. This is a very helpful buttress for when he has an urge. If he can't access money, in theory he can't gamble.
I would be wary of 'pooling' your funds. As you have discovered, money will not last when he is in the throes of his gambling. If he gets on a bad run he will he could drain any account he has access to. Don't think that this will not happen. It has happened to many partners of gamblers.
Inform yourself by reading a few threads on this forum. It will give you a better understanding of what may ly ahead for you. Gamanon can be of great assistance to you. The support and knowledge from people who have already been through what you are now dealing with will be of great benefit to you.
Take care
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