Boyfriend is gambling

Mac, I sympathise hugely. I've been there, although my partner never actually stole from me, the rest is so familiar.

Firstly, destroy your bank card and order a new one, and change all your passwords/online banking etc.

Protect yourself. Give him an ultimatum, that unless he gets help and shows that he is stopping, you will report him for theft. It is theft.

Then speak to him about how his behaviour has made you feel, the lies and the absences, and the uncertainty. Try not to do it accusingly, but make it clear to him that he actions have had consequences for you and your family.

Then gage his reactions. if he does get angry and turns it all back on you, refusing to take any responsbility, then perhaps he is not yet ready to admit his problem and quit. In that case, yes, you probably should walk away as you will never be able to trust him. Sorry.

If he is willing to try to turn things around and you want to try to build your relationship again, it will be really tough. I don't know how to find the trust again. Maybe after a full year of no broken promises, no surprises.....maybe it will take a decade. I don't know.

Simonesays, thank you for replying.

I have cancelled my card now although I like to think it will never happen again, i cant be sure now.

I'm not sure I will stick to any ultimatum I make to be honest, I'm not ready to leave him and I don't want to make more threats that I have no intention of carrying out. I've tried this before and my words all seem meaningless now.

At times I'm sure he loves me more than the need to gamble and that he will quit but at other times I'm scared of the life that may be in store for us if he doesn't.

I wondered if maybe the fact that he has only been doing it around 18 months means that he's not in too deep yet? He seems to think that as long as he maybe just gambles with a few pounds here and there it will be ok.

I've asked him to call me at anytime that he gets the urge and we'll talk and maybe consider some distractions but he hasn't called me once yet, he just does it and then lies. As far as I know he has no money at all at the moment and I'm hopeful that as of his payday next week I will control his finances but we'll see.

The biggest fear he has is that I tell his parents but I'm not sure how much longer I can cope with this alone so maybe that will scare him into quitting, or maybe just lying more??

Can anyone offer me any further advice please?

The gambling gets worse, I think.

This month all of our direct debits bounced and I’ve had to sort it all out as I really don’t want my credit rating to be affected and for us to run into troubles with utility companies

He has refused to go to GA meetings and won’t come along with me to betting shops to self-exclude. I went to them all myself in our town and spoke to some really kind people but they all tell me he needs to help himself and I can’t self-exclude him.

All of my friends are telling me to leave him or at least try telling his parents.

Should I tell his parents? He’s a 35 year old man, do I really need to involve his parents and worry them with this? Can they help him anymore than I can anyway?

After 3 days this month his wages was completely gone, this is quite usual but he seems to not mind this. I’m pretty sure he has borrowed money from his brother as not long ago his last penny was gone but still I find betting slips around the house.

What should I do? I’m still not sure I can walk away.

I've just joined this as my ex boyfriend has a really bad gambling problem. He had a death in the family last year and i think this triggered it. He lied to me about where all his money was going, he then pawned a lot of my belongings as a way to feed his habit, as well as his own stuff and gifts i had bought him. I love him so much, but a week before christmas he dumped me because rather than be honest with me and admit he had gambled away his money to buy me a present he dumped me. A month later we decided to try again, although i had to forget everything what he had done in the past, 6 weeks ago he cut me off completely and i am heartbroken. I know he has problems, but i feel i have let him down and i need to know why he has cut me off. But he wont talk to me or see me. I am trying to move on with my life, but i miss him and i am worried about him. I think i miss the person i fell in love with because he wasn't like this and i feel i can help him get back to that person. My head knows i've done all i can but the heart is a fool. So in response to the above, the gambling doesn't get better, you've somehow got to be strong enough to walk away and then stick to that decision or accept who he is.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling heart broken but I guess maybe in time you'll realise it's for the best. My boyfriend threatens to end things all of the time too and it's always me that puts the effort in to try to mend things although I get absolutely nothing out of being in the relationship anyway.

I think maybe or certainly in my case, he'd rather just be alone and away from the constant nagging etc.

We know we 're only trying to help the people we love but if they aren't ready to stop it seems the love of a good person won't help. I hope your pain eases.

My relationship is over too, deep down I know that. I've tried again tonight to be kind and sympathetic but it's wasted, he shouts and storms off to bed and leaves me in tears.

I too hang onto the person that I first met but he doesn't seem here anymore, he was a gambler even then but it didn't seem to absorb him as much.

We were going to try to go and self exclude him from the bookies in town tonight, but as always there was an 'excuse' not to go.

Thanks and yes deep down i know it was over a long time ago. All's he done was lie, steal and go awol anyway, i got nothing out of it either. I think the more you try the more they won't accept it and blame you for nagging, that was my case, i got the blame for starting arguments alls because i ask where his money has gone, because he too has a good job. He would rather lie than tell me the truth and accept my help.

I hope in time your boyfriend does the right thing before it's too late. Good luck.

Hi Mac,

I joined this site today and was scared how similar your situation sounds to mine. In fact, all of us relatives/friends share similar stories because that seems to be what gambling addiction causes and I have been so frustrated at the lack of attention it receives.

Gambling addiction is toxic and just as bad as any other addiction. I am in your boat right now, except it has been going on longer and we share a child.

My fianc and I knew each other for years before we became an item 4 years ago. I knew nothing of the problem until he confessed it and since then the problem has just escalated and escalated. We have a 20 month old baby, he is 33 years of age earning good money and yet we survive on handouts from my parents, even to the extent of moving in with them when we couldn't make the rent payments and fell into arrears. We couldn't pay bills, he spent every penny almost on this problem. It was made worse because he is a market trader and deals with cash every single day. He would finish work and disappear into the bookies and come home 11pm, 2am, 5am and then eventually not at all.

Since we have moved, I have better control over my own finances, and I'm not dirt broke every single month. I can't tell you it will get better because I'm not there yet, but I want you to know you're not alone. They have this problem which doesn't just destroy them, it destroys the people who love them the most.

You and your partner are in my prayers and I really hope we both can help pull them through this disease.

Hi Lost in love,

Thanks for replying, I suppose quite a few of us on here have similar tales to tell.

We almost had a child, I went into labour extremely prematurely and our baby didn't survive, this sparked my partners depression but the gambling was apparent way before.

I'm getting tired of feeling like I'm the one suffering for it. How do you cope with that? I'm the one worrying, crying, panicking every day at work about money. Making sure he has a meal every night. We have no social life whatsoever. Gambling seems to make him so very boring, to put it bluntly. He won't even do the smallest of things like go for a walk with me on a nice day.

Like I said in an earlier post, I just don't seem to get anything from him. No conversation, no time, no affection, no reassurance, no thanks or gratitude, nothing.

I maybe sound selfish myself in saying all of that but whilst he walks around the house whistling and singing like he's happy I'm quite often holding back floods of tears. Something doesn't feel quite right!

I'm the only one in the world that knows the true extent of all of this yet I am the one he is nastiest to and lies to, this is why I wonder whether I should involve his parents. They are a lovely couple and I'd hate to hurt them but I just can't cope with this for much more alone.

I'm glad your situation is feeling better and you have a grip of your finances now, best wishes! 🙂

Mac1

I am so so sorry for your loss, words cannot describe the impact it had on the both of your lives. But what about you? You survived that ordeal, you are not destroying your relationship or financial security, he is. It seems like the gambling makes people so incredibly selfish to where they cannot even see what they are doing to us.

You sound EXACTLY like me, like I could have written your post. I say this to my partner all the time, how can he be happy when he is doing so much damage. There seems to be no love anymore, no attention, money to put into machines but not a penny for a birthday cars for me. Mother's Day, my mum organised something from our son. Valentines day, he disappeared the night before and rolled in at 10pm on the actual day. New Year's Eve, we spent 2 hours together because he was gambling, I spent the rest of the evening with my family. Every occasion is spoilt by gambling. Day to day, once he is on the grip of it, he will be irritable, disinterested in me and our son, and itching to go to work to earn more money to gamble again.It did get to a point where I felt so low I resorted to self harm. I sought help, and got through it, but my recovery almost seemed to annoy him as I proved it could be done.

My way of coping is to try and switch off from his behaviour. I adore him so right now I can't see myself leaving him, even though he will promise to get help and never does. So I'm faced with just having to not let it dictate my day. I used to obsessively call him at 6:30 when he would finish work in the hope that it would stop him nipping into the nearest bookies, but all it did was cause resentment and he would switch his phone off so I couldn't call anymore. So my current philosophy is to let him get on with it and attempt damage limitation. Don't trust him with a 30 here and there. Pay our bills, do a food shop, buy stuff for our son before he even knows we have any money. Then if the worst happens, we are not stuck in a hole.

The people we love are in there somewhere and that's why I can't give up. It's the gambling that makes them so lack lustre, and I know what you mean- boring is the right word! I have no social life with him, but I try to see a friend now and again to live normally. When hoer with a gambler, it feels like the insane becomes normal. Tears everyday become acceptable, the worrying becomes part of life. You won't be able to switch off completely, but just try to believe that same person is there, just lost right now to a disease.

It mKes them so so selfish. Say right now, he took our debit card against my wishes, we argued and I had to transfer the funds to our child's savings account just to make sure he couldn't withdraw it immediately. But I know he is gMbling, he planned to by taking the card in the first place. He turned his phone off at 6:30pm, he's normally home by 8pm. It's now 9:30pm, phone is still off, no word from him. Best case scenario, he will leave the bookies when it shuts at 10 and roll in at 11:30/12am and blame me for "putting it in his head this morning". Worst case, he won't come home at all. I'll be sat here, like you said,worrying and panicking about if he is ok, has he eaten, how much did he lose, where is he sleeping etc. he will then call me tomorrow evening or the next day. It's happened a few times before where iv called police, hospitals, family members. I am waiting for the day he changes, or when I become strong and fed up enough to cut my losses and walk away, whichever comes first.

I would tell his parents if it was me. You are bearing the brunt of the impact of his gambling as you are the one he is around. He is transferring his nasty feelings he has about himself onto you because it makes it better on him. You and his parents combined can try to get him through this, call it an intervention or whatever. Don't keep fighting alone because soon it will start to destroy you. If it wasn't for my son and my faith I don't think I'd still be here. His parents know of the problem but don't see why it's such a big deal. So it's all on me which, as you know, is such a huge pressure.

Keep me updated please and good luck!

Lost in love,

Thank you. It was a huge loss but we're 5 months in now, I didn't think it would get any easier but slowly it does.

Somehow the depression and the gambling has managed to take centre stage. I stayed strong mainly because I had to. Someone had to be strong when the other person in the relationship fell apart. I don't resent him due to the depression at all but I feel angry that he's not helping himself, the gambling just continues to make him feel worse and subsequently, me too.

He's never stayed away for long periods of time, although thinking about it... He works very long hours and I've always believe he really was working. The hours do get longer around pay day!! The lies are daily though and that really hurts. Swearing on my life, his mothers life. Lying is so easy to him. I know he's not ready to quit. He tells me he has no money and asks me for mine for things he needs. I've refused but then I discover more betting slips so somehow he's getting more money from somewhere it's just he'd like try to spend mine first.

I suspect there is debt I don't know about. He won't give me full control of his finances but has suggested I look after his wages next month. He's said that many times before.

He's just got in tonight and I found another 2 slips from the bookies. It makes me so angry and hurt that he's not looking at the damage it's doing to us. He got really angry with me for mentioning it, shouts, screams, tells me I might as well leave etc. I suppose I should now. Like you, I love my partner but I'm maybe not dealing with it as well as you are. I can't seem to switch off to it. It's holding us back in life and this life isn't the one I want. If I could see he was ready to change or showed some remorse I'd walk every step of the way with him but he just throws it all back at me and says nasty things, not thinking for a second that I'm just trying to help him beat this awful thing that is taking over him.

I really don't know what to do, leave now and forget the life we once planned or stay for a while longer and continue to be his emotional punch bag for a while longer and try to adopt the same frame of mind as you and hope we aren't too far from a turning point.

I'm so sorry to hear you had your own problems with self harm, but great that you managed to beat it. I'm sure you're a wonderful mother to your son, I hope your determination to stick by your man pays off very soon.

It's strange to even be having these thoughts and conversations, I never thought I'd have these problems in life but it seems it's a silent illness but a really crippling one too.

Lots of luck to you too and thanks for sharing.

Mac1

I truly wish I could offer you some words of comfort but I can't. Not while you are gripped and being drowned by a compulsive gambler

I too thought I could help my husband. I went to counselling I sought him help. Eventually telling his parents

15 years this went on for

He'd threaten to leave me or commit suicide if I left. It was a vicious circle

He too blamed me for his gambling

He lied constantly, he ran up debts everywhere. I stopped counting at 96k

The plain truth is yes it's gonna hurt, but walk away now and don't look back.

You cannot fix him. He has to do it himself. No one can stop him. There isn't a quick fix or magic cure. Threats don't work.

I lost 15 years of my life trying to help. I feel like I've screwed up my kids for trying to make it work. My husband just lied his way thro our marriage. Gambling is one of the most selfish pat times and to a CG it's the only thing that matters in life.

If you truly want honesty. Pack and go. Or pack for him and show him the door. While you enable him things will not change until he's good and ready. But even then you need to be prepared for lapses and relapses.

It takes guts to stay - takes more guts to leave. I found my courage. I'm now a single mum of 3 with no idea what the future holds. But I do know I'm not lied to anymore by someone I once loved and only honesty exists in my future.

Shellyb

Hi SHelleyb,

Thanks for replying to me. I have no doubt in my mind that when you say to leave is the best option, you are spot on. I know I should, and now someone like you, a lady that has lived it for herself.

I feel very sad to read your story, 15 years and 96k.

I tried to convince my partner to go to a GA meeting that happens to be on tonight, for a few moments I thought he was going to agree, but he won't. I'm not surprised. I think I need to go to his parents, even now it looks unlikely that I'll be in his future. I don't want to see him end up in the gutter. He's heading that way. He has no want for nice things, holidays, things for our home...etc.

It's so sad that he's been taken over by this, he seems to have no pride or the will to overcome it.

I feel so unbelievable sad at the moment but I know if I stay it will continue for a long time. I have goals in life that I feel he'll never want to jointly achieve, marriage and babies, a mortgage etc... I think for me the saddest thing is that he really doesn't care if I stay or leave. He honestly couldn't care less if I am here or not.

I wish you so much success for the future.

Mac1,

I feel you have struggled so much yet been so strong. Ultimately, you have picked up the slack while he has been allowed to wallow and do his thing. It is so hard to pretend it doesn't happen, but I am near my limit. I have asked my partner to move out as he came home on that night I mentioned at 8am the following morning. He went to a casino, kept his phone off and gambled a weeks wages AND emptied our savings account.

It has got worse for me the last couple of days. Today he went to "work" only to come back a few hours later crying because he has just lost our wedding fund. We had saved 2000 and it's gone, just like that and I'm in complete shock. It was kept in a bank account and we don't touch it, let alone use the debit card it is associated with. But he decided this morning to sneak the card from its usual place and therefore that shows me he planned the whole thing.

All he can do right now is be angry with me mixed with floods of hysterical tears. Iv asked him to leave, because my own self worth and sanity can take no more. The wedding money has been my final straw, I need space and I can't get that when he is attacking me one minute blaming our arguments about him coming in at 8am the previous night, then hysterical crying. I feel no sympathy for him anymore, I'm just done with the stress of it all. I don't feel like I should suffer anymore when I have so much more of life to live. I don't know about you but sometimes I feel like I'm in a fog and weighed down by all of it. Today I just stepped out into the garden with my little boy and felt like now enough has to be enough. If he changes, that's great for him, but I can't wait anymore. Imagine I get a mortgage and he causes us to miss payments? What if we have more children like we planned and money is even tighter? Life with a gambling addict sometimes feel like no life at all, especially seeing as he won't get help.

I hope your last few days have been better!