Hi all,
I'd like to thank you in advance for reading this.
I've been with my fianc for 4 years. He has told me how before we got together, he had a problem with gambling. He's spend hundreds a week on fruit machines, having to borrow from his mother so he'd have money for his ex and kids.
Fast forward to the present day. In the last 6 years, he has had one instance of gambling to the grand sum of 50. Until yesterday.
Before I had left work, he told me he was on his way to work. I get home; his bike, jacket, work boots, everything he would bring to work was here. Tried calling, straight to voicemail. Texted him. Thank you Apple, I was able to see when the message was read. Tried calling, voicemail. And then nothing. For 4 hours. I was out of my mind of worry.
Finally get a text saying I'll be home soon.
He gets home. I get pretty much nothing out of him. Wouldnt tell me where he was. After another while of questions, I learn he has blown 800.
His reason was it was payday, and he was upset. (It was his sons 15th birthday, and due to a turbulent relationship with his ex, he doesnt get to see them very often).
I can tell hes P***** off at himself, and that he's embarrassed and that he's sorry. But I feel so... betrayed? I think I'm more upset that he lied to me and ignored me and had me so worried.
I asked him today if he wants to maybe talk to a professional, try stop before he starts again. He said no, he went 6 years without gambling and could do it again.
Maybe I'm just venting. I don't know how I should be feeling. Part of me is thinking whats done is done, get over it and move on and trust it was a one off. The other part of me just wants to cry.
At no point did I 'give out' to him. I understand, to an extent, that he didnt choose to be unable to stop himself. And I know pointing out what we could have spent that money on wouldnt be helpful.
Ive found myself being very careful cause no matter what, he's feeling like S**t and me having a go isnt gonna make him feel any better.
Is it likely/possible that this may be a one off?
Hello Thaedydal,
Welcome to the forum and well done for posting here.
It sounds like you are feeling hurt by your partner's recent behaviour, and although you want to be sensitive to his experience, you are wondering if this lapse has been an isolated slip or whether it might be repeated and become a full blown relapse into a repeating pattern of problem gambling.
Your partner has said that he's been free of gambling for about 6 years, and he feels confident that he can achieve abstinence again. He has linked his lapse to the significant date; pay day and his son's birthday.
Sometimes reflecting on a lapse can be an opportunity for the person who has gambled to identify ways they could possibly tighten up preventative measures; for example if payday is a trigger for some people, they might arrange their finances in a way to limit instant access to their money, or they might create more transparency and supervision of their spending as a way to inhibit a gambling spree. If they want to block their access to a gambling venue they might self-exclude, or if they want to be safer online they might install a browser that filters out gambling sites. If they've identified that spending their free time alone can create more risk for lapsing, they might schedule their days with social commitments so they have more companionship and less solitude. If they believe that their gambling lapse was about trying to escape from emotional distress, then they might practice other ways of self-soothing/ stress management, or they might seek therapeutic support for resolving emotional problems. So a lapse can be transformed into a learning experience, and the learning can then be used to strengthen recovery methods. Your partner is welcome to call the GamCare Freephone to discuss his lapse if he'd like some support with it.
It is understandable that you may at times feel unsettled, disappointed or angry about his lapse. Initially he didn't respond to your communications and you felt anxiety about his unresponsiveness. Perhaps you also felt some shock about his behaviour, and you may have felt hurt because he didn't seem to be caring for you while he was gambling. These are the sorts of feelings many people report in this section of the forum, when they post about how a partner's lapse has left them feeling shaken and sometimes insecure about the future. We cannot predict the future, but certainly there is support freely available if you are your partner need more help.
Please feel welcome to continue using the forum, and if you like you can also call a GamCare adviser on 0808 8020 133 for emotional support or information about local services.
Take care,
Adam.
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