My husband is an addict. I knew when we got together. He had a relapse a few years ago and we worked through it together. We both had counselling. I paid his debts. I made clear I wouldn't go through it again.
I've been suspicious he had relapsed again recently but kept making comments hoping he'd come forward. Yesterday I found a betting slip which he made a rubbish excuse about.Â
However I also read his text messages and saw the extent of it. He doesn't know I did this.Â
He keeps denying he is gambling and that the slip was his dad's. I hate that I looked at his phone. But do I confess it to him so that he has to admit it all. I don't know what to do.
Dear Charakadisney
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Hi charakadisney
stop checking up on him, don’t punish yourself. Do you think he’s thinking ’should I confess?’.
its not up to us to fix them, stop them, mother them etc.
In the past he’s not had any consequences. You paid his debts. Is he repaying you?
it’s time for tough love. You know he’s gambling. You can probably tell by his behaviour, mood, distractions.
what do you want to do? This is about you and what you need to change to get a different result.
if you ask him he will lie. Tell him you know. Think about what you want to say. If you confess to snooping he will use that to spin you a lie.
in my experience when a gambler wants to stop they surrender, they hand over finances, no access to any money, credit reports, complete transparency. They will realise that money is the fuel and that they can’t be responsible with it.Â
get some help and support. Look at protecting your finances, making yourself more distanced from the gambling. Detach.Â
I know this sounds drastic or not helping him, but the person who needs help is you. It’s about letting them deal with their problems, taking responsibility. If you want this to change stop paying his debts, helping him out, giving him money. Give him advice, love and support but nothing else.
I’m a great believer in meetings. I’m also aware that what I did made things worse. It was only when I safeguarded myself and my finances, went to meetings, counselling, read everything I could about gambling, relationships, enabling, did things change.Â
There are no guarantees but protecting finances and stop paying gambling debts is where to start.
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