Considering separation and divorce after only 3 months!!

Hi,

Unfortunately you are powerless over what he chooses. I promised many ex partners that I would seek help and stop but unfortunately the gambling was still giving me the fix I needed. I found myself torn between doing the right thing and the power of addiction very often and the addiction always shouted the loudest. I had to hit some very dark places before I got recovery in 2009. My life really changed when I got CBT counselling. This enabled me to address my relationship with myself (self worth issues from my past) and the way I deal with life events (emotions and feelings). It had such a positive effect on my desire to gamble that i studied psychology and am now a counsellor helping to treat people for anxiety, fear, depression and addiction. I have had to work very hard at my character change so that I no longer have any desire to escape any kind of feelings/emotions with any mind altering addiction.

Please ensure you look after yourself as you are very important in this serious situation. X

Most people reach a point where they are fed up. I wouldn't necesarily call it rock bottom as not everyone has that one defining big blowout. I've certainly had a dozen moments where I really wanted to give up.

Your husband hasn't reached that point yet, which is worrying because he has lot a lot so much money.

Please do not assume he will pay the mortgage foreve, gambling is a slippery slope, and in the back of his mind he thinks you will be there to bail him out. Rock bottom is when he is alone and realises he has f****d up big time with no one to turn to. I know it might seem wrong, but protect yourself financially because partners can take out credit on your behalf, it happens. Just be careful.

You can't make him get help. He doesn't want help at the moment but that doesn't mean he won't keep telling you what he thinks will get you off his back.

Concentrate on protecting your interests, reading all you can about the addiction and getting support for you.

How would I stop him taking out a loan etc in my name? That’s scary and worries me now we’re married.

I also thought taking an overdose and the police being involved etc in July would have been his rock bottom ‘urgh’ but apparently not!!

I don’t think he’s ever going to change for me which is upsetting as I am 34, accepted I wouldn’t have another child due to infertility reasons in the relationship, moved over 100 miles from my family to be with him and spent 8.5 years (the last few month married to him) supporting him and forgiving him for his illness.

Can’t believe it has come to this and so that’s the reason for my name etc on here 🙁

I only recently discovered my husbands gambling problem. We have been married for less than a year and I have a baby with him. I know how painful it is, I am aware it’s not my fault but does not stop me feeling very ashamed. I am guessing it may be the same for you? The fact that your challenging this behaviour is all credit to you. It’s so hard when you know everyone expects you to be living happy ever after and your dreams feel shattered. Your not alone for sure. I left my husband , don’t feel I have been given any choice than to end things because he has no genuine desire to change at the moment. He is very good at making noises but not doing anything about it. This sounds a bit like your husband to ?The people on here have helped me massively and have been my main source of comfort. Don’t let him grind you down.

Thank you Esme for your message. Can I ask you how people responded when you told them you had seperated? I know I shouldn’t worry about others but we haven’t even been on Honeymoon yet!! You are very brave to leave him as soon as you found out - I feel such a fool for putting up with it for so long and marrying him when I knew 🙁

If I am honest I haven’t told everyone I know yet. I have told family and close friends. Initially they were shocked but as soon as it sunk in they were very supportive , I did get the odd person saying I should go back to him but that’s it.I have been having councilling and it was pointed out to me that I don’t have to tell anyone I don’t want to, if asked I can always say things are not good but I don’t want to talk about it.

I actually think my husbands behaviour got really bad as soon as we got married , it’s like he totally changed overnight.

You really should not feel bad . You are being so brave in challenging the situation now. How could you possibly have known he would be this deceitful, you trusted him and invested time and love into your relationship. Please don’t beat yourself up .The only person responsible for gambling is your husband.

Hi he can take out a loan in your name without being married to you, it's fraud and they forge your signature. Things don't change because you're married. Try not to worry about what people will think. Start working on what you've got to do to restrict his access to money. Credit reports show what is going on regarding loans and cards. No one is judging you.

Thanks Esme and I know it’s him that’s gambling I just can’t belive that I gave him that last little ounce of trust and went through with the marriage believing this time would be different - that’s where the counselling will hopefully help me!

I read one of your threads yesterday and your husband did change his behaviour drastically. I’ve put up with my husbands addiction so long I know the signs to look out for as he changes and becomes distant (never violent) and very moody etc. That is when I know to confront him about it so it’ll stop, then like others have said we enter that cycle, he’ll stop a while telling me all I want to hear then will continue again a few month down the line; never following through on the promises he made - like I’ll go to GA! I just don’t know where to begin with this separation.

Thank you for your advice merry go round... I don’t think he would be stupid enough to take out anything in my name, or I’d hope not. As his job is in fraud so he would lose EVERYTHING!!

I checked my own Noddle report last night and luckily nothing untoward.

The only things we have in joint names is the mortgage, help to buy loan and a joint current account which he puts a set amount in as do I to pay our bills and he has never used that to fund his gambling for the 6 years we’ve had it.

Like I said to Esme I just don’t know where to start with all this 🙁

Find a meeting get some real life support. Fear about his job is excuses. Why is he gambling if he's worried about his job? He's also making excuses about GA. There are a few things that you say which you need to look at. You say you confront him when his behaviour changes. It stops for a while, he promises not to, then it starts again. Stop the confrontation. You know he's gambling.

Stop the confrontation and just leave instead? I think that’s the position I’m at now as I’m sick of the lies - it’s those and the ones to my face that hurt the most.

And you’re right about his job - I guess I’ve been naive there as well 🙁 if I say anything I always get the comment “well I’m not bothered now anyway as I have nothing else to lose” as if he’s guilt tripping me!

Like yesterday I asked why he was still gambling and he said he thought if he won some money back I’d forgive him. This made me even more angry as he clearly hasn’t been listening that it’s not the amount it’s the lies, deceit and lack of trust! I also told him not to use me as an excuse!!!!

Thank you ALN - I was always under the impression that his credit cards and loans were based on unsecured debt so they can’t ask for the equity / to sell the house or ask me to pay his debt?!

Is that not the case?

Hi, again like all the others my heart goes out to you. I'm new to this so if I get my facts wrong please bare with me. I am also new to the shock of gambling although my husband has been doing it for a longer than I like, (thought it was six years, now it's 8, the ever shifting sands of the gamblers mind it was 5k now it's over 30K) and he has lost us everything. There are a few thing as a newbie I have discovered. Sometimes the truth on here isn't always what we want, or expect to hear. However, I am finding that after a few days, thinking of all the stuff we are surrounded by, some of it slowly starts to seep through. For example a few people have suggested I go to gamanon but my nearest is over an hours drive away so have made excuses in my head for me and my partner not to go. Having read this specific post and it's threads, it drives home how important this is so I'm deffinately going. Not sometime soon, I will sort it tomorrow. Now the other peice of advice I have been given is my husband must pay the debt off. Now I totally get this and it is important. Just now this will not work for us because we have an elderly relative with alzhiemers to care for. I don't want to stay at home and do that, so I'm going to work to pay off the debt, as much for company and escapism as anything. When the father in law passes then it is a strict stipulation my husband works. That said I have come up with an alternative. Which I will gladly explain but not on your time. My point is, listen to everything, take on board what you can, dismiss what will not work for you. As for your husband, if he wants to stop there are things he MUST do to stop. They have all been listed above and they are imperative, no excuses! Whatever he tells you at the begining it is likely to be much worse, he will have you not knowing which way is up and which way is down if you listen to his excuses. Now your husband is saying things are not neccessary and you have to ask yourself why, think really hard about it (it is most likely because he is not yet ready to stop). While you are doing this consider this, your husband says it's his money and doesn't affect you, he pays the bills etc. If he hadn't been a gambler what would your life have been like, what would you have done, where would you have been or gone, how would he have treated you? Your 15 year old Son, has he had everything he needed, has he had what you wanted to give him, does he have a college or uni fund should he want to go. Have you or your son gone without at all because there wasn't enough money? If we use your wedding vows to make a point you felt you should stand by him. But he should also give you the best of him and he isn't. He is giving you his problems and wasted his redundency money, do you drive? You could have had a rather spectacular car with that. If you are a couple there is a lot of give and take, your giving he is taking. One way or another he has stolen from you whether he earned the money or not, he has also stolen your time and your piece of mind. Several people here have said you need to take care of you first, this is so important. You cannot look after anyone if you are not whole, please get that gamcare help, and doctors if neccessery, the doctor can help with the medical side of things like depression and stress but gamcare can help with so much more on the gambling front, their counsellors are excellent. Sadly we all have a back story like you and your Dad's cancer, I have a chronic heroine addicted son and don't know when the day will be when the police knock on the door with that awful news, and I have a past that would make your hair curl. I think you will find so many people here have equally unhappy stories and sadly the gambling addict uses your distraction to feed there habit when they should be supporting you. (like the lady with the new baby)

It is incredibly important you protect your money, I now know where every penny we have and haven't is. I am closing credit cards down as the balance is transfered. What cards you can't close and destroy request new ones with new numbers, the CG can remember numbers on them. Financially you cannot take your eye off the ball. I now have banking apps for everywhere and no matter how busy, or how tired I am I check them every day. If he manages to get any further debt, it is his, in his name for him to sort out and I will have no part of it.

As to whether you leave him or not only you can decide, but leaving doesn't need to be forever. I have left my husband so I can heal and focus on what needs to be done. This isn't selfish this is sensible to meand selfull. I want to be with him, I love him with all my heart, but he needs to fix him and if he does I'll be in clover. If he doesn't then I will be half way to separating for good anyway. But I still support him, see him almost daily and control every one of his pennies. You asked what people think when you tell them. Well people will tell you what they think you want to hear and act all supportive, maybe they are and maybe they aren't the simple fact of the matter is you do not really know. "what other people think of you is none of your business" (that's a saying) Try not to care what other people think of you, if they care about you they will be there for you, and if they don't care about you, you don't need them in your life.

What is it like for your 15 year old living with this and watching what your going through? That matters.

My last titbit (thank christ I hear you say) Think very hard and make a real decision where the line in the sand is for you. This is what you won't put up with no how no way. Not an ultimatum for him but the line for you. For me if my husband doesn't fully engage with couselling and groups, or if he gambles again, or if any more skeletons come out of the cupboard I'm done. Not might be, I'm absolutely done, I'm worth better. This has empowered me so much because now I know just what I am willing to do for him and what I'm not.

Sending big hugs. Take care of you x

Patsy01 wrote: I don't want to stay at home and do that, so I'm going to work to pay off the debt, as much for company and escapism as anything

Please realise that bailing out a gambler, whether they be your husband or friend is like trying to fill up an empty jug with a big crack on the bottom. Bailing gamblers out never works.

Gambling is like a really bad itch. They are itching to clear their loss. You bail them out, they are itching to gain profit, or win money to pay you back. There is no end to it.