Divorcing GA Husband - So Confused

Marker.

I am a recovering compulsive gambler, sadly your situation will never change because of your husband's acceptance that he is an active compulsive gambler.

All through my gambling life I was intolerable, self centered and bluntly ignorant to the fact that gambling was such a destructive act.

I would hazard a guess that your husband's addiction is formulating a way to get it's dirty little hands on all the possible funds coming his way, truthfully I don't know if you can intercept any for the benefit of your children, I truly hope that you can.

Because unfortunately if you can't it will be gambled never to return.

Regards his aggression well that comes with addiction, I was angry with the world for twenty years, blaming anyone or anything for my shortfalls.

My advice is simple

Safeguard yourself and your children from any damage financially and emotionally.

I hope you find the life you deserve, you like too many other good folk are the innocent victims of addiction.

Please do put the whole truth in your divorce papers, because you have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

I hope you find therapy here,thanks for sharing your story, it serves as a reminder what a life as an active gambler will result in.

No self worth or desire to do anything but feed addiction.

That old saying, how can you look after others if you cannot look after yourself

Seems sadly apt with regards to your husband.

I live in hope that one day he will find the want to seek help and look to make amends for his life feeding addiction, until that day in true only one thing will continue to be born,a self created life of destruction and misery.

I again hope you find inner peace and a life without the above mentioned.

I myself walked dangerously close to losing my own family through addiction.

Humbled

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi marker

I am a recovering CG.

I will take a stab at your questions. Other posters may well have different answers and reasonings because the questions you pose do not have a single answer.

1. Why won’t he talk to me? He has completely shut me and the kids out of his life. It could be that he is cutting all ties to make it easier for you to dump him. OR because he is so angry and hates himself so much that he feels he doesn't deserve a family. There are many other possibilities however.

2. Why is he angry at me? Divorce is what he wanted, I have just done what he has been telling me to do? He could well be angry that you would actually go thru with the divorce proceedings. The answers supplied to Q1 also apply to this question as well though.

3. He hasn’t returned the acknowledgement of service yet, I had a nasty text about my reasons for unreasonable behaviour, which naturally were gambling related. He is so angry about that, why? It’s the truth. Perhaps because you have exposed his 'dirty laundry'? The truth hurts. Maybe it is his way of firing a missile back at you. Again, a long list of possibilities, one of which could be that he is trying to make it easier for you to go thru with the divorce.

4. Things are getting so bitter. I am trying to remain calm and not be angry anymore. He seems to have made up for that though. He is so angry and bitter. Why? The only person that he has any right to be angry with is himself. You are not the cause of his problems, so try to not worry over this. As CG's, we will try the 'blame game'. Don't fall for it. Do NOT feel guilty. You have no reason to be.

5. Will this make his gambling worse, having the sense that he has lost everything? That is entirely up to him. It is totally out of your control. If he wants to gamble, nobody will be able to stop him. He has the ability to choose whether he wants to seek help or not. If he wallows in self pity, the likelihood is that he will gamble to escape his misery that gambling has caused. A classic 'Catch 22'.

6. What am I supposed to do? My feelings are all over the place because I love him and never wanted it to get to this. I am starting to imagine life – a good life – without him and that freaks me out a little. Me and the kids are fine. We go out and do things, we laugh etc. I’m doing ok in life. Im just not used to being this content. Exactly! You and the kids are fine. There is nothing wrong in that. The unfortunate truth is that some CGs do not recover, OR, do not WANT to recover. When the family has had enough anguish, it is not unreasonable that they cut ties. You and your kids deserve a chance at happiness. Do NOT feel guilt about wanting that happiness. Don't let a CG hold you back if he is unwilling to attempt recovery.

Take care

Hi

I am also a CG and have not gambled for 28 days.

It seems he is angry with the world, angry with his life and frustrated at his gambling opportunities (or lack of).

He has to want to stop for ever and mean it. Only time can allow this to happen.

A CG is not a nice person but lies and deceives in order to get "the next fix"

Your priorities must be to look after you and your children.

Despite me still being in the early stages my improved confidence and better attitude has been noticed by my family. It's like a weight lifted.

The big danger is the redundancy money

Wishing you all the best for the future

Thank you so much for your responses guys. Really honest and heartfelt.

For all the years I have been on forums like this I would always wish that my husband was one of the ones who were doing a diary, or were x amount days/weeks/months into recovery. I always wished he wanted to stop as much as I wanted him to.

For someone like me … I love my husband, he is the father of my kids, I shared a wedding with him, and all the happy memories (which are mostly amazing blips of happiness shrouded in misery). He is a nice, honest, caring person when not gambling. But looking at it, its mostly been gambling.

I am gutted for my kids. They are two of the most amazing, funny, beautiful innocent little babies. And they deserve to have two parents doing everything in this world for them, BUT it’s just me. I know my husband loves them, but I don’t think he loves them enough. An awful thing to say, but he knows his absence has affected the kids, and he isn’t moving heaven and earth to rectify that.

I have countless emails off him over the years condemning his own actions. “I shouldn’t treat you this way” “I should make more of an effort with the kids”. The last few have always said he will never change, and he is proving that to be right. He denys he is depressed, he just admits he is ‘empty’, I’m no shrink but depression at the very least is an emotion … my husband appears to have none!

My eyes have been opened to how dark a world gambling is if you get hooked. It is like living in hell and the only hope you have is when a lightbulb moment goes off.

I think the word denial sums it up. Head firmly in the sand, if he cant see the problems, then maybe they arent there.

Denial can go on indefintiely, you just keep going on your path, if he tips over the line and start a recovery, you'll find out and you can think about that then, but for now, you're doing great.

Hi Marker

i woke up to a text from my husband informing me yet again that he is leaving me and my girls- because if he doesn't go we will all end up hating him. I've heard this many times but this time I wasn't filled with panic- I thought okay maybe it's for the best. I didn't reply and he seems completely normal since I've been in from work. Completely fine with his decision. But like you said you are doing okay and I'm actually beginning to believe that we will be fine without him. My husband has also described himself as empty and says he is depressed. It angers me that after everything he has done he decides to leave me!! He does nothing to improve his mental health and our whole family is suffering. Like you I always wish my husband would be proactive and find this site to seek support from others- instead it's me who's been on here for months. My husband chops and changes constantly- he loves me, I'm to blame, wants to get better but does nothing to improve his health....

I completely understand all your questions but unfortunately have many more to add rather than being to answer them!!

Its so very hard.

Hi katie,

It is beyond frustrating when it seems like we are the only ones doing everything to keep our family together. Loyal supportive wife, beautiful children ... Skys the limit. My husband really does have nothing without us, but nothing seems to be what he wants, what he knows. The limited people who know our history always tell me i have done all i can and more than what most others would do. But we understand it is an illness. But how long can that be used as an excuse for their behaviour. To gamble away MY childrens future is inexcusable. To prefer a night at the casino or hours lost on the computer instead of spending quality time with the kids is inexcusable.

Like i said i secretly hope our impending divorce is the wake up call he needs, because once i apply for the Decree Absolute that is it. But certainly the next few months i cannot wait around for that to happen. I have to live, i have to keep life sweet and ticking over for my little ones. And if he doesnt change. I will survive 🙂

You sound so strong. I wish I had a bit of your strength. It's just so hard to know what to do for the best. Sometimes I really do think we would be better off with him not in the house. It would be much calmer that's for sure.

I know we have to let the money go but like you it makes me mad to think he has wasted money that should have been saved for our girls future. My husband thinks he's beyond help and to be honest I'm beginning to think that I can't keep fighting for us on my own. He was meant to arrange couple counselling for us but hasn't bothered so was does that tell me?

I have my moments of being strong. But i guess when i reflect over the last 10 years, and the fact i am still standing, and my children are well turned out. I can be proud of myself.

The one thing i know without a doubt is that everything i have tried these last 10 years hasnt worked. Divorce is the only other option really. And if that doesnt kick him into touch nothing will.

Much like your husband mine says he will never change. He doesnt clarify whether he means he wont or he cant, just that he will never change. Theres only so many times i can say you can or you must.

Fighting to save a marriage on your own is one of the loneliest places to be. Its awful, and for it to fail over a deck of cards in my case is pretty demoralising. But you know what he has no right whatsoever to make me feel so shut about myself, and to feel like a failure. He has brought me down to his pitiful level, by having me give up my life to support his. I was not born to subsidise him in any way shape or form. We were supposed to be a partnership, supportive and loyal to eachother, but i was the only one doing all that.

I said to him before, i have always been his partner even when he wasnt mine.

It sucks it really does, but much like they need a lightbulb moment, the family of, need one too. Otherwise we are all going to end up in a vicious destructive circle, and inevitably it will be our children that bare the brunt of it.

So all i am doing right now is focusing on the kids. They need me more than he does, and they appreiciate the things i do. My little 2 year old even says thank you 🙂

How you getting on? My kids loved having me all to themselves when Mr P was deployed and I do like being my own boss.