Hi everyone
I don't really know where to start. My husband is a compulsive gambler. We have been together for over 11 years, for our whole adult lives and we have a young child. It has been a very stressful 2 years.
I was concerned about my husbands gambling and asked him about it but he assured me he was in control. He was not. In fact he was so out of control he stole a significant sum of money from the company we both worked from. The first I knew of this was when I was confronted by my boss and was being accused of being involved! Thank god, it became apparent that I didn't know but it took a while for people to believe that. He had used a secret bank account and had gambled the whole lot. His actions resulted in me losing my husband, my job, my financial stability, my professional reputation, my friends at work and even our house was put at risk. In one day, I felt like I had
Oat everything
I told him he had to move out on that day, but remained supportive as I didn't think screaming and shouting would help. I listened to him, helped him find a GA group. He said he was relieved it was all out in the open and he could now confront it, including the consequences of the theft. He went to prison, and I visited him and supported him and his family through it, the visits. Everything. This was incredibly hard as we are both law abiding people normally, so had never even had any experience of the police let alone a prison.
Anyway, he was released from prison, and I told him he couldn't come home for a number of reasons. Mainly though, I needed to know I could trust him and that he could handle the responsibility of being a dad and husband, and the normal financial pressures of running a home (including his debts).
In the last few weeks we have been looking at him coming home, I've been looking for a job that I could do in the evenings and weekends so I could still look after our 3 year old child in the day whilst he was at work. We even went on a little holiday I had saved up for together last week. It all looked so positive.
On Saturday, the day after we got back from holiday I discovered he had been gambling for about 10 days and had been doing so all the way through our holiday. I discovered by accident. I already had control of his credit cards etc but he had gone out and reordered one of them and used that on an online account. 2.5k gone in 10 days. He took steps to hide it again, made no attempt to tell me or anyone at GA and had I not have discovered it who only knows where it would have ended again.
I'm now back at the point again of do I let him be part of our family anymore or do I just give up. We had taken every precaution I could think of financially and I had been clear that all I wanted was honesty. I told him I would be upset if he slipped but that I wasn't naive, if he did then it was crucial that he was honest about it, at least then I would know I could trust him and we could talk about it. He was nearly 2 years gamble free, and then out of the blue he has done it again. He said he doesn't know why, he had ordered the card to pay for treats on our holiday (I would not have been happy about this, he has enough debt as it it) but then when it arrived he used it to gamble instead.
The thing is whenever he does it, he always uses secret credit, he never uses cash because he knows I will spot it quickly. I'm totally gutted that our first opportunity to be together as a family for 5 days, and actually he just spent the time placing bets on his phone whenever he went to the toilet.
My head says that I couldn't have been more supportive, I've always put his needs first and that if a stint prison and nearly losing us wasn't enough to stop him for good, or at least be honest then what is. But my heart sees my little one doing trips between her parents, having to move out of her home and live god knows where, probably never seeing me as I'll have to work every hour. It sees me alone and single, without the family I had planned and watching all of those around me have their babies and family days out. What if there is a chance this has scared him enough to realise what he is about to lose and we can still have that, is it possible my little one can have a happy family life?
I've had a long chat and explained how devastating this is, how he has taken everything from me financially and emotionally. How I feel worthless because surely after going through all of this I at least deserved a bit of honesty and a bit of consideration. I went in to detail the physical and emotional impact this had on me 2 years ago and that he has done the same again. How I hadn't put him under any financial pressure, or given him any of my worries or stress (and believe me there has been a lot) He said he hadn't realised because he was too worried about going to prison last time to see how much it had hurt me. He says he sees it now and he will never out us through that again, but how can I ever believe him.
Please help, how did you rebuild the trust. Is it possible, or is it better for all of us to end it now before my little one gets even more aware! Either way, I'm going to always be asking should I have tried again, or is he secretly gambling again?
Any advice from partners affected or recovering gamblers would be gratefully received.
Hi sad
I understand only too well. The only difference I can see to your life and mine was that when my husband stole from his job he got away with it and escaped prison etc. he paid the money back before it was noticed.
I've been down your road almost annually for 15 years. My children are now old enough to understand and believe me it breaks them. My kids understand what a gambler is and seen how it changes a person. They won't even look at their dad now let alone speak to him. He scares them with his angry outbursts when I find out about his gambling and deciet
My husband never used cash either. It was always credit cards then pay day loans to pay the credit off then cards to pay the pay day loans etc. it was never ending. He put everything at risk without a second thought. Or maybe he did think but we were worth the risk
He gambled with my life my future our children's lives and future
3/4 weeks ago I'd had enough. The children had had enough and now it's a struggle but we are making it on our own. I thought it would be impossible but I'm doing it. Me and my kids are a team. We have trust and honesty. Something that was sorely lacking in my marriage.
The truth is you can't fix it. You didn't break it. You are not a victim but a casualty. Casualties can get better xxx
Shelly
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm still at a total loss as to what to do. I wish I could get the house into my name because at least then I would know that it was safe. My husband is in total agreement to hand it over but as I understand it the mortgage company would have to approve it and as I'm currently on benefits I can't see how that will happen. I'm going to try and get an appointment for some legal advice today to see if there is anything they can suggest.
Hello Sad
It is Sad for sure
From an addicts point of view i don't think there was anything that would have helped me unless I was ready to change.
I need to want to stop gambling but its not as simple as that
In needed to accept that this illness is powerful and be willing to put in daily effort and change learning to become a better person
I've stopped for periods of time and gone back to it but there is hope in recovery.
I've seen men and woman change their lives around when as many of the other posters say on here they make that commitment
Can my family trust me? No they can't. Not 100% but relations are so much better between us now.
Sometimes the grass isn't always greener. Yes I'm an addict but i'm also a very good person who happens to be ill. What matters is I accept this illness.
Hope you make the right choice for you and your family
All the best
Triangle
Thanks Triangle
He had missed 3 GA sessions in a row, he thinks he just took his eye off the ball and this has shown him just how important the sessions are, that he needs to attend every week to remind him how easily he could slip back. I could tell at the beginning that he was finding them really helpful. I desperately hope it was just a slip....only time will tell I guess.
hi sad ,sorry for all the damage you have been living with,i am a gambler ,stopped playing since last December. i,ve lied all my life to my wife and children and now i got a chance to give them all back,i am a better papa a better husband ,all is becoming much better ,but not everything is a dream,all the urges the mood changes,well a gambler got an instinct for a bet for the edge ,the buzz of winning or even losing,what i can tell from personal experience is that we can not be trusted,even if we got the best story of all times.we always find a way,i got my wife a very good life while my companies were sucessful but all that change after closed them,pay attention to all the pattern like ansiety and an huge will to get out.do not trust ,no money even 2 pounds its dangerous,and short leash.i wish you the best .
Hi Ive just joined this site because like you I dont know what to do.
Ive been with my partner for 7 years he has raised my son with me like his own, but he has always battled with a serious gambling problem. To date he has stole from two employers, been in prison for 1 year (I stuck by him too)and has blown hundreds of thousands of pounds. But he has finally been given a chance at university on a fantastic course. I believed this would change him and we have just had our first child together 7 weeks ago
I had such belief and trust that for the last year he had stopped gambling and everything seemed perfect. I believed he had finally cracked it!
However....last week I was on a family holiday and he did not want to take part in anything or pay for something so simple as a drink. He tried to convince me he was watching the finances as he was now a reformed man and did not like to blow money.....I found out 3 days ago this was all lies for the last year he has been secretly gambling and gambled every last penny he has.
I am devastated...I am so so so gutted that he could put us all through this. I am aware its an illness, but its so so selfish. After a lot of arguing about it I am planning on leaving him. I've come to the conclusion the majority of pathological gamblers wont change and we all get hurt in the process. Its taken a lot for me to realize this and its going to take a lot of courage for me to leave.
Its so sad what we have to go through! I wish you all the best
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