End of my rope

Sorry for the situation you find yourself in. My 27 (soon to be 28) year old son is a compulsive gambler. It is a progressive illness and is h**l to live with. As you well know an active CG is irrational, angry and manipulative yet we believe and trust them as they can have an uncanny way of putting this back on their nearest and dearest. TRUST YOURSELF and your instincts. You know what is going on and you don't owe the addiction anything. Right now you are the rational one. Addiction thrives on secrecy . Its not like you have to tell all and sundry but parents etc need to know... especially as your husband is in denial and will more than likely start borrowing .

Try to think of it as 2 people... your husband who you love and the addict who is out of control.

Take Care

Cathyx

Hi Always, welcome to the forum 🙂

Sadly even standing your ground & leaving may not make him stop 🙁 Being here isn't remotely disloyal in comparison to what he is putting you through so take all the help you need & if that means telling his parents for you then I would say go for it - Just don't make any rash decisions. I'm glad if not a little confused that you have isolated your finances because this is a progressive disease...Are you saying that if the secret debt goes unpaid, creditors can't come after your house etc?

Can you get to a GamAnon meeting? If not, I would thoroughly recommend calling the helpline & getting yourself some proper support. You're not actually doing him any favours with the softly softly approach & you certainly are not the one in the wrong here. I've never had to answer to anyone for missing money but my Mum (also a CG) took money from my wardrobe when I was sick in my room & only admitted it when I went to call the police having convinced myself a burglar had been in whilst I slept. Manipulating you & twisting words to shift the blame makes us able to justify diabolical behaviour & leaves you at best scratching your head in disbelief. Live with this long enough & you start buying into the madness that you are somehow the cause & that is complete nonsense. Living with a CG is hell & not a safe environment for children who are too young to make decisions for themselves but learn from the behaviours they witness.

The best way to help him is to help you & decide what you will accept then make sure you stick to any ultimatums you issue. It's going to sound nuts but for the sake of your sanity & the kids, it's time to take care of you - ODAAT

Hi

It's not disloyal to post here any more than checking what's going on is snooping. The advice will always be to trust your instincts and put yourself first when living with an active addict.

Seems to me your husband is getting away with the classic addict tactics of manipulation and deflection. Truth is nothing you say or do makes him gamble but the flipside to that is nothing you can say or do will make him stop until he's ready. That said there is no reason on earth you can't let him know you know what's going on and there's no reason to feel you need to keep his secrets from his parents or anyone else in fact keeping a CG's secrets often doesn't end well. The addiction is progressive. Bills and expenses are being met for now but this forum alone is littered with stories where they fall by the wayside as the gambler sinks deeper.

You've protected your own finances which is good. The next step is to decide how much more if any of his appalling behaviour you're prepared to tolerate then tell him. Draw your lines in the sand and don't be drawn into anything else.

Take care of you.

Hi Alwaysthemug,

Well done for your post, and thanks for sharing your story with us.

It seems like you are struggling with what to do to help your husband to stop gambling, and whichever way you look seem to present with “what if------?”.

You did well by separating your finances from his, and try and keep it that way for your own sake, and also for his sake so he doesn’t run up more debt in your name.

Making his parents aware of his gambling problem will remove some of the burden off your shoulders, and it would be an additional support for him too. It’s most likely they’d also offer their support, and better that way than enabling him to continue to lead a life of lies and secrecy, and which will result in stressing yourself out.

Maybe you’d try and encourage him to do something about his gambling problem; let him know Gamcare is ready to help and support him every step of the way if he will follow our advice for stopping gambling.

In fact, both of you can contact our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and speak to one of our advisers for help and support. Counselling support can also be provided by us in case any of you need it.

Meanwhile, stay in touch, and keep posting.

Best wishes,

Beatrice

Hello,

You're not being disloyal at all - you're seeking advice on what to do and how to help which is 100% what you should do - for your sanity at the very least.
In my experience - they like to keep it a secret because they feel guilty about it. But I told his parents and his best friends - just so the burden wasn't all on me and so that he had other people to care for him and to support him. I chose to do that to keep him safe (seeing as he'd tried go take his own life), but I think it helped because more people can keep an eye out. Yes - they certainly don't thank you for it at first but now he understands that I only did it in his best interests. And I think relationships and family's should be based on being open and honest and supporting each other - not harbouring self-destructive secrets.