Hi
After quite a while with out seeing my son, he called last week to say he was miserable and wanted to get help. We agreed to meet him outside of home rather than just let him back. He seemed remorseful and very genuine, he said all the right things, but of course we were very cautious. We told him that if he was to come home it would be on a trial basis and it would be strictly on our guidelines and if he made one mistake on any of "unacceptable list" he was back out, he agreed with out hesitation.
Anyway we had a week of him being home, he was polite and thoughtfull nothing like the agressive bully he had been to us for a very long time, very much like his old self before gambling took a hold. He made an appointment with a counsellor and did just what we asked of him.
Yesterday was his appointment with his councellor and he didnt go, made excuses and when we said no excuses the monster in him came back. I knew nothing had changed, I knew he was still gambling, and we have been very cautious but thought this was it, he wanted to get help and even made the call for counselling so felt we had to give him a chance. Turns out it was all part of his manipulation and never had any intention of getting help.
I knew there was high chance he wasnt genuine and told myself not to get my hopes up, but this feels especially cruel, I got to see a nice side to him that I havent seen for such a long time. I know how manipulative he can be but this feels so devious, hes obviously realised that being nice to the parents gets him a lot further than being the monster he was.
I feel so stupid, and exhausted totally beated down, sort of feel empty. He was told to leave last night and hes gone.
Feels like back to square one and im not really sure whats next, I'll just have to pick myself up again not today though start again tomorrow.
Hi as67
I'm really sorry to hear what's happened. We've all been made to feel stupid- living with my husband for 20 years and being duped time after time- I must take the biscuit!! Manipulation is second nature to CG isn't it? My husband used to turn situations round on me so I felt guilty! It's just so hard to accept that our loved ones can behave how they do and treat us so poorly.
You're right though you will pick yourself up again and be stronger for it. Concentrate on you again.
Just want to add- we might be made to feel stupid but we aren't!!
Hi as67
You are not stupid... just a mom who loves her son and wants to believe with all her heart that things have changed! You have changed though. You held your ground and asked him to leave when he crossed your boundaries... strength and courage on your part!
It's a long journey for both you and your son. Two steps forward/one step back but you are getting there! You can also bet that your son is noticing the "new" you which can only help.
Try to keep reminding yourself that this is the addiction... not your son!
Now take a few minutes to salute your strength and resolve in an incredibly difficult situation!
Hugs to you as67
Cathy
Yikes!! Just noticed the poor choice of words in a sentence above
You can also be sure that your son is noticing the "new"you which can only help!
Don't beat yourself up as67...If my mum turned up on my doorstep tomorrow, tears steaming down her face begging to be 'rescued' again, I would do it! I do know better, of course I do but she's my mum & sometimes through the lies & deceit, albeit the addiction fire rages, there is a want from her that all her pain will go away! Once the monster re-emerged, your son will have just said stuff to hurt you but the entire week would not have been a complete act! There will have been times that he would have wished he could have your comfort wrapped around him like the blanket forever but the power of addiction is immeasurable!
You have come a long way, don't you forget that & you are much stronger now but that doesn't make it any less painful! Keep fighting - ODAAT
The nice side you saw, that was genuine, that was him, you weren't a fool, it wasn't an act he meant it, your reaction was the right one.
Unfortunately, the illness has grabbed him again, so its back to the tough love. Next time let's hope he is back for longer, maybe forever who knows.
You are not a fool, the time you just spent with him was genuine, it is cruel to lose him again so soon, but it us also proof you are on the right track, you son is in there, its just going to take a bit longer.
Hi
I thought we were back to square one but reading your posts I realise we're not, for one Im mentally stronger than I thought, didnt feel like that yesterday but I am.
One mistake I used to make was being too nice too soon if you know what I mean, my husband would say stop the small talk with him, he reels you in, and you fall for it. He didnt do that, he didnt ignore him and was polite to him, but you could see our son behaved differntly to his dad, almost nervous around. My husband is a great dad, always been hands on and very quiet gentle man and theres no reason for our son to be nervous round his dad other than he's not as easily manipulated as me.
This time however I have been a lot better, polite but told him how things are going to be if hes to be at home then walked away, didnt get drawn into anything else. If he wanted to talk he was told to talk to his dad that way no risk of me either getting drawn into his mind games as I call them and get upset or angry, it definetly worked.
So far hes never admitted he has a problem but this time he did, that alone is a step forward, he used to tell us that he liked gambling and didnt want to stop this time totally different. He says he hates it and doesnt know why he does it and why he cant just stop and agreed he needed counselling but was very scared having to talk to someone. We told him we are there all the way for him, and will even sit outside the room during his counselling sessions if that eased his fears a little and he thought that was a good idea. But when it came to it, its been too much for him, and when he was questioned about it he went back to being rotten , I dont think he knew what else to do.
I think that hes scared by what counselling will bring up and he will have to face what ever it is, but Im certain its what he needs and he knows that too, but we are just going to have to wait until hes brave enough to do it.
I knew there were going to be some bad days but hoped hed be home longer then a week, it was so nice seeing my son again.
So now we go back to the way we were, and just wait. Tough love most defintley works, its the most progress weve made in a very long time.
Thanks again everyone 🙂
*applauds*
Hi as
I loved every minute of my gambling, even when I was losing!
It was only during the last 2 or 3 years that I got to the stage where although I loved it, I truly hated it as well. At that stage I was struggling to keep afloat financially. The harassing phone calls from creditors, both at home and work. Very embarassing.
I do hope that he was just scared of what the counselling would unveil. It was a very unnerving experience for me, but still a very essential one. Perhaps when next he calls, both you and your husband might respond with.... 'come see us after your counselling session, then we will talk, not before."
If he ever gets to the counsellor, I truly believe that will be a start for him. It will bring out the 'boy' in him. The good counsellors have the uncanny knack of asking the right questions. If he is not a blubbering mess at some stage I will eat my hat.
Best wishes
Hi
Thanks Pangolin, kind of you to say.
Wal1957, we have told him that we still support him but if he wants to come home again it will be as you say, after hes started counselling and is willing to prove he's going.
His girlfriend told me yesterday that hes still gambling as much as ever and hes still stealing from her every week, hes stolen thousands from her over time. In my eyes shes as bad as him for putting up with it, she threatens to go to the police or leave him every time he either lies or steals but she continues to put up with it.
I think he knows he needs counselling but living like this is easier for him than facing what ever that brings up. Wether he was genuine this time or not I cant say for certain but I think that when he said it in that moment he meant it, but got scared, guess I'll never know for sure.
Im ok, its back to normal for us, I feel better than I thought I would of after he left and even more determined to carry on as we were. I dont want to see or hear from either him or his girlfriend again until he is getting help, if they want to continue the way they are they can get on with it. It feels like a huge relief to step back from it 🙂
Hi as
I've seen a remarkable change in you since we first 'met' on this forum. You are much more confident and content. I'm pleased to see that you can accept what has happened this time with your son, and move on with your life. That is as it should be. Good for you. 🙂
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
