Hello, I don't really know where to begin to be honest. I've been married to my husband for just under a year, we're expecting our first baby together and yesterday I found out he'd be gambling again.
I knew he had a problem before we got together five years ago and had got himself in a lot lf debt which he is still paying off. Back in January he finally admitted to me that he still gambles and the debt had continued to mount up. Last night I found out that despite counseling and his promises that he was doing really well, he'd been gambling online again this week. I've also just found out his parents have been bailing him out everytime he got into financial trouble and he also owes them a few thousand pound.
I'm so completely fed up. He is so excited about our baby that's due in November, but how can he gamble away money we had saved for our new arrival? I had previously taken control of all of our savings, but I now have to spend a third of it this month so we can ensure our rent is paid.
I'm heartbroken. I can't take the lies anymore and the fact his parents have been lying for him for all this time too. If I wasn't pregnant it would be easier - I would be gone. But I can't give up tht easily anymore. I feel completely stuck.
We both earn good money and have decent jobs. We should be able to enjoy ourselves and look forward to the exciting times ahead but he's ruined that and I don't know how to begin to forgive him.
I am going to take control of all of his money. He won't even have a debit card in his wallett. It's the only way I can even begin to trust him.
He's so ashamed and upset - yesterday he bruised his face by punching himself so hard and made a stupid decision to try and end it all - luckily he saw sense and I think it was the snap he needed to finally admit everything, but this is terrifying and beyond anything I know how to deal with.
He has tried phone counseling and was doing really so the calls decreased but what else is there? Is there a rehab centre he can go to, or regular meetings with other gamblers? Please help, I don't know where to turn...
Hi nicspicer
Welcome to the forum.
It must be very difficult for you newly married and pregnant and feeling that you are unable to trust your husband.
You must also feel let down by your husband’s parents that they have been aware that he is still gambling but have not been open and honest with you.
At this point it really sounds like you need to focus on yourself and what it will take for you to feel happy and peaceful. I can see in your post that you've done your best to support him and that you are planning to take control of all the finances which is a good strategy to help the problem gambler abstain. Your husband's recovery will ultimately be up to him, and how much he wants to stop gambling. There is always a way forward, but a lot of it depends on how determined a person is to quit. It's understandable that you feel like your trust for him is gone, and it's really up to him to earn that back through time and his actions.
You say your husband has participated in phone counselling which he found helpful so I am wondering if he would benefit from talking to a GamCare adviser on our Helpline 0808 8020 133 or Netline about the possibility of arranging face to face counselling.
Your husband can also find out about attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings which is
" a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to do the same,”
from their website www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk
This forum has many members - some are gamblers and their friends and families. Hopefully you'll be able to hear and benefit from their different perspectives. Do have a look around and read other people's stories too.
We're also here for you on the Helpline or Netline both are open 8am to midnight every day. We'd be happy to speak with you about any of this, and give you some support and you could also encourage your husband’s parents to contact us as well.
All the best
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
Thank you for your reply. It's made me feel better to see that other people can understand what we're going through.
He has taken a big step and it attending a Gamblers Annoymous meeting tonight with his parents, so I hope this is the start of a new beginning for him.
It's going to take time and I'll be there for him as much as I can, but he is the one that needs to make the effort and change his relationship with gambling and money.
Thank you xx
Hi Nic, welcome to the Forum; good to see that some positive advice has been given to you already and I hope that today is a better day for you.
I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago, so my opinion comes from that perspective.
My heart goes out to you for what you have experienced. When a compulsive gambler starts, he never, ever thinks that he will lose control - the truth is that they almost always do, every single time but you still can’t bring yourself to believe that that is the case; your partner didn’t intend to spend the money which was put away for your new arrival, he thought he would be able to have a small bet and walk away, win or lose - but it didn’t happen, and was never likely to.
It can consume you; you live a life where you are a haunted, obsessed, anxious shadow of the real you - he hasn’t changed; he is still the same person you met, but gambling makes him do bad things and take bad choices. What you have to do my friend is establish a level of absolute honesty between you - explain you want to know how he is feeling and that you would rather know the worst of it than nothing at all; ask him to phone you, every single time he feels even remotely like gambling; this is very important because you always have an element of control before you start, no matter how strong the urge - if he calls you, which he more than capable of doing, every single time, then there will be no more lies. Not only is it a very powerful deterrent, it establishes a level of contact - gambling is a very isolating experience; you not only feel cut off from who you are, but from the world itself at times - if he calls you, then he has every chance of nipping it in the bud.
Maybe there are other issues - I have been a part of this Forum for seven years, and it is very, very common for people to come here who are on the verge of being a Father, or who are just about to be married, where they find themselves gambling more than ever. Gambling stops being about the money after a while - it soon dawns on you that you chase the sense of euphoria when you win, not the money itself; imagine if you won 500 on a 1 scratchcard, imagine how it would make you feel - this is what compulsive gamblers want, that feeling, every hour of every day.
This is why people increase their stakes after winning - their old, smaller stakes become meaningless because it doesn’t give them the euphoria they desire, so they increase it; winning is actually more dangerous than losing because all it does is drag you in deeper.
Most of this sounds like I am excusing what he has done or stuck up for him; I’m not, because he has a responsibility to get help (which he has done, and credit to him for that) and a responsibility to give you absolute honesty as I said above. All of his cards are now on the table - there can’t be any cover-ups anymore, there can’t be anymore lies; he chose to be part of a relationship and have a child with you, so he has a responsibility to be the very best he can be for both of you.
It is positive he admits he has a problem, and is doing something about it - there are many who never reach that point, and it took me a very long time to do so. What he has to do now is make some serious progress; I’m sure that, without gambling in his life, he is a decent and honest person, and I am sure he will make a good Father - if he tackle this now, and manages to more or less conquer it, then there will be no better time in his life to do so with a little one on the way (congratulations by the way).
This Forum is a great resource, and people will be here for you every step of the way - non-judgmental advice and support can be like gold dust at times, so don’t hesitate to post here my friend. I wish you well, and I hope today is a much more positive day for you both.
JamesP
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