Have I made a massive mistake?

Well Lily. I am a recovering compulsive gambler and I was recently put in a situation when my wife, my 10 year old daughter and myself were invited to a birthday celebration at a greyhound race meeting.

My wife wasn't encouraging me to gamble as she is well aware of my past, but wanted me to come along for the social aspect. I agreed even though I knew that it would potentially be a trigger. It was up to me to show strong will and resilience.

I let my wife and daughter select a few harmless £1 bets and my only involvement was a bit of crazy cheering on the track side.

Having said that, I think that if I was involved in the actual placing of bets it could be damaging and lead me back to gambling. So therefore, best to stay away if possible.

as another CG I can only completely Echo the sentiments of ALN. It’s really a bad call as he won’t be able stop afterwards as the cycle will begin again.

Also whatever he tells you he is betting multiply it, small bets won’t give him a buzz.

Gamblers are liars...he will have £ you don’t know about for this and will prob borrow more to fuel it whilst there.

Also I don’t buy the not being able to avoid it because of where you live. If he likes the social side then go and enjoy that, if he has to place bets he shouldn’t be going.

He’ll think he holds the cards by convincing you he can gamble when the likelihood is the debt will increase once more as he won’t stop.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but I know because I’ve been there and done it...a CG cannot be for fun regardless of what they tell you.

I wish you well

Thank you all for such quick replies. I must admit I’m starting to regret the decision hugely. Just for a little context, horse racing has been a very big part of our lives throughout the whole year. He has family that have owned racehorses, everybody we know either goes racing or watches it locally and to top it off his birthday falls on Cheltenham race week. For every week that he remembers he has gone there, had bets and it was only within the last 24 months that things started to spiral. I’m certainly not making excuses or trying to justify - I just wanted to make it a little clearer behind my thought process. I’m certainly no push over and in an idea world he would never place a single bet again, even this week, but ideal worlds don’t exist.

The real mistake is to put yourself in a position where you take on responsibility for his gambling. His parents won’t understand your decision? What on earth makes it your decision? You’re taking on a responsibility that’s absolutely not yours to take. Better to tell him that if he gambles, that’s his choice and he’s responsible for it.

If you read round the forum, you’ll see plenty of stories about what happens when a CG has a little controlled bet. The compulsion is fed and the CG ends up back where he left off previously only worse. Educate yourself about addiction and don’t underestimate where it can lead.

Gambling is an emotional problem with financial consequences. Focusing on the money diverts from where your attention is really needed, that is on you. Start making your life about you, not him.

CW

Yes you made a mistake. Now you have to realise what mistake you made. The mistake is thinking that a gambler is the only one with a problem. You talk in contradiction. He's surrounded by it, family, horses etc. Then you say his parents won't understand your decisions. So do they know he's a compulsive gambler? Do they think he shouldn't gamble? Once a gambler always a gambler. A compulsive gambler cannot stop. This will have ignited the desire to gamble. Compulsive gambling is not about money, it's about feeding an addiction. Unfortunately it's forever. The choice is his, the choice to manipulate you is his. You have to look after yourself and not be lead down the destructive path with him as his enabler. This is not your fault but you need help and to change your behaviour. Knowledge is power, as Cheltenham is a racing town I'm sure there's a meeting near by.

  	You made the mistake of actually entering the path of gambling. It can affect your career and your health if you don't stop. Hope you stay away from it as soon as possible and look for something healthier

His parents are aware of his previous gambling as they gave us help with the financial side. They weren’t aware of the ‘controlled bets’ during this week however my partners brother may have said something to them and they caught on. His brother has no idea about the gambling problems we have faced yet he has been racing/gambling/drinking all week due to the Cheltenham Festival - as would my partner if none of this had ever gotten out of control. I find it really hard when the person probably second closest to him is completely oblivious but carries on doing all of the things I know my partner wants to deep down. I’ve suggested he tells his brother lots of times but he doesn’t want too, and it’s not my place to tell him anyway. My partners parents also haven’t said anything to their other son. This is why my head gets so scrambled.

How do people carry on watching the sports they may have once gambled on? Whether it’s football or horse racing - how does life go on when you’re interested in the sport but you can’t gamble? Do you stop watching the sport all together?

Some say to stop watching, especially horses. In my experience my husband still watches sport. He wants to watch and learn not to associate it with gambling, enjoy it for what it is. You are still talking about everyone else, why do you keep it a secret? If you think deep down he wants to gamble, he will. What are you going to do about the fact you are manipulated by him into believing controlled gambling is ok? Until you realise you are just as caught up in this unhealthy thinking and really don't know enough about compulsive gambling, this will continue. There is no point controlling finances if you don't know why. Compulsive gamblers cannot gamble, letting them have money to bet on anything is enabling. I thought for a long time that I should keep it secret, not talk to anyone about it. I was so wrong. It's up to you who you tell. It's about getting help for yourself. This is about learning from mistakes. His parents are also mistaken, you can't bail a gambler out and then expect them never to gamble. The bailout sets them free, takes away responsibility for their actions. He's an adult, he's making bad choices. Stop worrying about him, worry about you.

Turns out every comment about ‘controlled bets’ being the gateway to hell were right. 2 £25 cash bets that I knew nothing about. Feeling stupid/upset/guilty that I helped bring this on. I know his actions are his own but maybe if I’d of put my foot down none of this would of happened.

You are not to blame. He's an adult. No point getting you to look after his money if he's going to ask for it back. It's up to him to choose not to gamble.

It took a long time for this situation to arise and there are no quick fixes. The way forward is to learn how to do things differently and that takes a long time but it works. Start with you and set the example to those around you.

It sounds like there are a lot of toxic secrets in his family. His parents know and have bailed out, his brother doesn’t know. Or does he? How do you know whether he is also a CG? Alternatively, how do you know that his brother isn’t also bailing out? Perhaps being led to think that his parents don’t know and are best protected by keeping the secret for their sake? Gambling thrives when the gambler gets each family member to think that the other family members couldn’t cope with reality and to keep the secret whilst feeding him gambling tokens/money. Getting it out into the open, so that all the non gamblers are on the same page inhibits gambling. If it’s not for you to tell, insist that the brother is told by your husband or his parents or else you will do the telling.

Go to GamAnon and CoDA meetings and encourage his parents to go as well. If they won’t, go anyway.

Basically, it’s about accepting your part in the situation. Not about whether you can/did make him gamble or make him not gamble - he’s not a puppet on a string. The gambling is his. But do you tolerate more than you should? Are you accepting behaviour from him that’s objectively abusive? Clean up the mess that he makes? Expect nothing of him but too much of yourself? Do you settle for less than an equal life partnership? Are your needs important or is everything about fixing him?

Your life starts with you.

CW

Cynical wife wrote:

It took a long time for this situation to arise and there are no quick fixes. The way forward is to learn how to do things differently and that takes a long time but it works. Start with you and set the example to those around you.

It sounds like there are a lot of toxic secrets in his family. His parents know and have bailed out, his brother doesn’t know. Or does he? How do you know whether he is also a CG? Alternatively, how do you know that his brother isn’t also bailing out? Perhaps being led to think that his parents don’t know and are best protected by keeping the secret for their sake? Gambling thrives when the gambler gets each family member to think that the other family members couldn’t cope with reality and to keep the secret whilst feeding him gambling tokens/money. Getting it out into the open, so that all the non gamblers are on the same page inhibits gambling. If it’s not for you to tell, insist that the brother is told by your husband or his parents or else you will do the telling.

Go to GamAnon and CoDA meetings and encourage his parents to go as well. If they won’t, go anyway.

Basically, it’s about accepting your part in the situation. Not about whether you can/did make him gamble or make him not gamble - he’s not a puppet on a string. The gambling is his. But do you tolerate more than you should? Are you accepting behaviour from him that’s objectively abusive? Clean up the mess that he makes? Expect nothing of him but too much of yourself? Do you settle for less than an equal life partnership? Are your needs important or is everything about fixing him?

Your life starts with you.

CW

His parents know everything and I am told that his brother knows nothing. My partner tells his brother that he’s stopped gambling because we are saving for a wedding, not because he is a CG. His parents found out last night that he had placed a few cash bets and the whole situation went crazy. His dad shouted at him and.m called him every name under the sun. His mum was crying because he had told me but not her. I wonder whether they think I don’t care as much because I’m not as emotional. I’m mixed up in a big family drama as well as my own worries and feelings and it’s all too much for me now

Sounds like it’s the sort of drama that’s totally ineffective and allows all concerned to stay stuck. You might care to look out for Harriet Lerner’s book, “Dance of Anger”. Or Robin Norwood’s book, “Women who love too much”. Read round the forum as much as possible. And go to GamAnon.

CW

You're not obliged to tolerate living in a soap opera. It's always possible to decline to engage with the dramatics and concentrate your energy on you and how you want to move forward.

How do you want life to be?