Hi everyone
I found out my husband had a gambling habit/addiction/problem a few months after we got married and I was pregnant with our daughter. Great timing! That was 10 years ago and although he had counselling etc then and appeared to be cured of his addiction he has continued to relapse several tmes over the years. The last time I told his that if he did it again we were finished.
So, now we have 2 children and in August guess what, I found out that he has been gambling again and has lost several thousand pounds equivilent to about half his annual income. Despite putting various things in place to help him: my having access to all his accounts etc, he found ways of concealing it from me. And despite his promises to be honest and to tell me if he relapsed, once again I discovered it myself.
I am so furious still that I feel like my head is going to explode!!! I want to kill him!!! I want to kick him out but I'm worried about the effect it will have on my children. That is the only reason he is still under my roof. I feel that the last 10 years have been wasted. I married him without knowing about his addiction, he ruined both my pregnancies by gambling while I was pregnant, and I have had to support us financially the whole marriage which puts so much pressure on me its having an effect on my health. I get terrible stress migraines and there are nights when I cant sleep all night.
He's getting couselling through Gamcare which he feels very positive about but I just have had enough and want him out of my life. He causes me nothing but stress and pain and I've had enough of the deceit. Apparently he had suicidal thoughts which he has spoken to his cousellor about and I'm worried that if I kick him out he'll hurt himself and I'll have that on my conscience.
He doesnt want anyone to know about his habit but I need someone to talk to. My whole life has become a lie because of his addiction. I dont know what to do.
Tootsie, I don't want this to to come across the wrong way at all! But reading your message, I felt that you could be me in 9 years time. I too married my husband not knowing of his problem only for me to discover it whilst pregnant... Long story short when my baby was 8 weeks old I finally kicked him out after he had blown his whole wages for the month. I too have supported us in this time but my maternity pay halves this month and my savings were destroyed in January by bailing him out - so I'm very much struggling financially.
I can't claim to know how splitting up would affect your children, I'm lucky enough to have parents that are still together and my daughter is only 16 weeks old so will know nothing about what has/is happening currently. But what will affect them is their mum being unhappy and the general mood in the household being one of tension. You have to do what is right for you and your babies and if you feel you can no longer have a relationship with your husband then I would say it's time to move on. I know that is extremely easy for me to say (I have only been married 1 year) but I totally understand how you feel about wasted time, ruined pregnancy and financial responsibilities. Asking my husband to leave has/is still so hard and I still have days when part of me wonders 'what if' but every day get very very slightly easier.
Sending you strength xx
Sorry Tootsie, just seen your post on Kelly's thread. Thankyou. It's been the hardest decision I've ever made and against everything I ever thought I wanted in life but I can't put my daughter through the hell I've been living in.
Xx
Hi Ladybird,
When i read your post I too thought that you sound like me 9 years ago!!! So many of the threads I've read have similarities. Thank you for your kind words, it's nice to have someone say its ok to do what I think is right for me rather than assuming I'm going to stay and try and support him through it. I've been supporting him emotionally and financially for almost 12 years now and I've had enough. I'm sick or hearing excuses for his gambling: low self esteem, low mood, less than idyllic childhood etc etc. Believe me, my mood is pretty low at the moment too! At the end of the day, we all have a choice and have to be responsible for our actions. I think you're very brave and should be proud of yourself. x
Hi, Tootsie,
Thank you for your post on my thread, I can totally relate to everything you said. Which is perhaps more honest than how I showed the state of play, I am very angry and I might as well say so.
I suspect that I have stayed for all the wrong reasons, ie it's hard to rock the boat, it seems like a failure after such a long marriage, financially it would bite, it's better for the children if we stay together. But the last is not really true. Ironically it's the children - the older ones - who think we should indeed split. I'm absolutely not setting a good example of what marriage should be.
So yes, I do think that Kelly and Ladybird have got it right.
Have you tried the helpline here? Or counselling? Or GamAnon? I think we need as much support as we can get. It's far too isolating to try to cope alone, also it means that we end up not thinking about anything else.
Thanks for all your support.
CW
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