I have been with my partner for 7 years, we have a little girl aged two.
So I always new he was the not the best with money but when ur 21 who is good with money.
I then become pregnant We moved out and rented a property.
So the on maternity pay was difficult so I excused he reason he didn't have the money .
But then it was insane. I remember one night he got very very drunk and betted 800 on a gambling site and was in tears saying was just. Stupid mistake and don't know what he did it .
I thought that was it , drunken mistake .
So life went on after that was ok for a few months but then rent wasn't being paid again.
So your all thinking alarm bells why didn't u question him.
My god I did the screaming matches , but he always talked his way out of it giving excuses.
Then ur Guna say what didn't u take his banking and money .
I tried it all I begged and begged but he always got out of it and talked me into its ok.
At this point did I think was gambling I didn't cause I work part time and he was the main provider so just thought he struggled.
When ur dealing with a first time baby and just moved out u just try and try.
There was always excuse work haven't paid me right . And I've paid for this and that my car petrol u name it I heard it.
So his family suggested take control of his money.
It worked for so long but the devil would come out cause they only gave him so much a month.
But he would be screaming and raging for his money. So his sister gave up.
Then the brother done it he gave up.
Then one day my rent wasn't getting paid and that was the last straw as I was an guartnor for a pay day loan just so I could stay in my home with my daughter.
Then I packed my stuff and went to my mums
then everything came out that he betting problem was doing it on line and gambling all the time.
The reason I tell u the whole story is because I need to understand from someone who has had it have why help me understand .
Also people need to knowhow those lie break a person and how those lies make u feel ur insane and how those lies make the person want to hide away and cry and feel they have no one to turn to cause they don't know what to say or do.
This all happen just before Xmas.
I feel he's not dealing with the problem either I still don't think he's fully admitted it and showed people he's getting help .
I need him to do I feel sane again if he fully got help then I could understand more.
We're loosing out daughter first home and starting again.
And I'm walking away with a lot of debt from him.
Hi Emma,
Welcome to the Forum. Thank you for posting here and reaching out to us and our members.
You say that you would like to make sense of what is happening and you describe all the changes you have gone through as well as your journey living with your partners´gambling problem.
A gambling problem is very difficult to understand, mainly because it doesn´t make sense. Rationally, the behaviour doesn´t make sense and it often takes people a long time to find out what may have caused or contributed to developing a gambling problem.
What does make sense, is that it is incredibly worrying and frustrating for others, who are affected by a gambling problem, such as you and your little girl. It is frustrating, as you cannot stop the problem or change it and it is worrying as it brings great uncertainty into your life and future.
You have now chosen to distance yourself from your partners problem more, by moving out and by being more in control of your own life and future. I think gaining some distance is a good idea. The thoughts and events you describe sound as though you have gone through a lot of confusion and I hope that this recent step can bring you some more clarity.
It is good that you have your mum around to support you and I would encourage you to also use our services to gain support for yourself. You can talk to an advisor one to one on our Helpline on 0808 80 20 133 or on the Netline http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline and both services are open from 8am to midnight every day.
We are here for you.
Kind wishes
Gabriele
Posted on:
Sun, 22/01/2017 - 21:54 by
Joined:
2016-12-06
Oh Emma, so sorry you are going through this...but you need to think of you and your daughter. Gam care advisers are here for you too, to help support you through this situation. Why has it happened? I don't know; but I know I am a sensible, mature person with a responsible job, but I would stay in a casino all night feeding £20 notes into a machine. The gambling takes over, you stop thinking and caring about anything and anyone else...till the money runs out...until hopefully one day you come to your senses. It isn't easy to just stop...you crave the gambling...nobody else can make you stop, until you really want to. I know I hurt someone close to me...once in the casino I would ignore my phone....or not even take it in. They sat me down and explained how my silence, not knowing where I was, whether I was safe or not, made them feel. I had been choosing to ignore their feelings, until confronted with them. Please Emma, don't let this man hurt you any more. If he is nOt prepared to face his problem, it will not get better. Get help to sort out the debts you have been left with, and build a new home for you and your daughter....you deserve to be happy. Your life will get better.
Thank you so much for your replies. It so so hard talking to friends and family cause they don't understand why I never left befor e. But I just wanted it to work for my family. I know he's a good person inside that what kills me. I understand it's an addiction and it's so hard to control. Just feel the last two years of all the stress and worry have been for nothing as he is not eking help. If he got help and really dealt with the problem then I would feel like there was light at the end of the tunnel. He reckons he's not gambling now but I know him well enough that he will be . I just hate the way that he can lie so easy but as I read more on here it's part of the issue.
Hi Emma, welcome to the forum 🙂
We don't understand our actions half the time so it's little wonder that you can't make sense of them! But everything you read that fits is all too common with us. It is rubbish that you have invested so much time, love & money into making it work but the debt you are walking away with now will be a drop in the ocean to what you could walk away with if you stick around. He's not getting help, you recognise that he is lying to you & sadly, there is no light @ the end of the tunnel when you're with a CG in action. You're so young to be taking on all this stress & I really do applaud you for having the strength to look for help & I hope that you use some if what has been offered. You shouldn't be witness to a childlike tantrum from a grown adult not getting his way & it most certainly isn't acceptable when there are children concerned. Please direct his family here if they are hurting too & there are GamAnon meetings up & down the country where you can all get some real life support.
This isn't your fault but you have to look after you & your little girl because he's just not up to it. Keep reading, keep strong - ODAAT
iHi Emma. Just want to say a couple of things: You are very brave, especially in your situation with a young child and one on the way. But I think you still love your man, despite his problems, and maybe if you could direct him to this site, he may well see the light, ditch the gambling and focus on a rewarding future.
I have to also point out that many young people find that the responsibility of raising young children can be overwhelming, especially with the significant financial expenditure, and sometimes the pressure and insecurity can drive people to desperate measures. (i.e. gambling etc.) I know this is no excuse, but hopefully your OH (Ex. hopefully not!) will realise that it is possible to refrain from gambling, to live within your means, for all of you.
Hi Emma.
I have to say you have done the right thing by leaving.
This is about you now and its about building some stability in life again. It would be helpful if you could get financial advice about any debts and you can only pay what you can afford. You may need legal advice about it
Clearly nobody can tolerate the behaviour of a gambling addict and it would have taken you down further and further.
He needs to seek help and you need to realise that the addiction is so powerful. It shreds relationships for breakfast as you have seen and he wont really know what he is doing.
I cant comment on whether you love him but please dont let it be a blind love. You need your eyes wide open about this
Please keep ringing gamcare when you feel low and the help is all out there for you
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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