Here we go again

Morning diary

Saturday was a good day for me and my children. My daughter got to spend the weekend with her fianc while I kept busy with my boys. We took a trip to the gym and the three of us had an hour long workout. Their fitness puts me to shame. The afternoon I spent doing the gardening which already looks like it needs doing again!!! Friends arrived in the evening for a BBQ and we had a great night, and too much wine 🙂

Yesterday me and the boys had a very lazy day, weather was overcast and none of us could be bothered to move far from the sofa.

Today we are a bit more energised and may go for a swim later. I'm having to force myself to do anything- had a few anxiety moments, a lot of down ones, few up moods but will continue to paint the smile on my face while I fight to make everything ok for the most precious things in my life

They are the reason I wake up every day

Shellyb

Evening diary

Today has been a fairly good day for me and my tribe. Daughter went off to work this morning me & the boys had a long lie in, in honour of bank holiday.

After lunch we went for a power swim, youngest is learning front crawl with swallowing half the pool and did fantastically. I managed to fit in a fair few lengths too in between having to let the boys do acrobatics of my hands knees or shoulders.

After swimming the lads were so energised they fancied an hour in the gym. So off I went to finish myself off on the treadmill for an hour

Although I've kept myself busy I have to say the exercise is great for the mind too.

iPod on music playing and I jogged rowed and cycled miles - great destress. And 2 very tired boys 🙂

Morning diary

After a busy weekend I'm feeling deflated today. Ready to go on training course which I could really do without but work dictates

Feeling a bit list inside my own life at the moment but it will pass. Just wish I could fast forward 6 months and feel sorted and settled

Such a roller coaster ride and I wanna get off.

Tomorrow's another day

Morning diary

After a busy weekend I'm feeling deflated today. Ready to go on training course which I could really do without but work dictates

Feeling a bit list inside my own life at the moment but it will pass. Just wish I could fast forward 6 months and feel sorted and settled

Such a roller coaster ride and I wanna get off.

Tomorrow's another day

Hey Shellyb,

That's great to hear (not the feeling deflated part obviously, but the general positive flavour of your recent posts). It sounds like you are reclaiming your life. YOUR life, and your children's lives too.

More power to you. Congratulations on keeping focused and strong.

Has your partner come to his senses yet, or is he still off chasing spinning wheels and falling cards, losing his money, his sanity and now his family too?

Best wishes,

Molehole

Hi mole

To be honest I don't have a clue what he's doing? If he's still gambling then more fool him. If he's not then past experience says it's only a matter of time before he is.

He is a binge gambler. Bet after bet for a week 2 or 3 til 10's of thousands gone then nothing for maybe a year then it all starts all over again.

Whatever he is doing it's no longer my problem - that sums it up really. His gambling became my problem.

No him no problem. Sorted 🙂

Anyway. I hope your recovery is going to plan.

Wishing determination strength and above all true happiness your way. If there's one thing I've learnt from reading the recovery diaries and that's no CG is truly happy until they quit it

Shellyb

"no CG is truly happy until they quit it".

Amen to that. It took me years to realise this. I'm really happy for you that you have broken the ties that bind. Onwards and upwards. His problem is no longer your problem!

All the best moving forward. Mx

Hi Shelly

Again I have followed your thread and am so sorry that the affects of gambling has had such a devastating affect on you and your family , all innocent victims that should never have been put through what you have

Myself a compulsive gambler now 30 months in recovery with in that 5 relapses but I'm determined to not let it beat me I know I can never beat it I believe the best I can do is control it there will be times when life is tough and a wrong decision maybe made and gambling could play a part but for me it's how I deal with it when it happens , I was with my partner 16 years gambling all the way through it but not too an extensive level my problems started when I was on my own I then spiralled out of control and got myself into real difficulties , you hear many people have to hit rock bottom before they can admit their problem , myself I'm still not sure if I hit it but I know for sure I wasn't far off and I wasn't prepared to go any further to find out , I have a daughter of ten who I have joint custody of and she was my main motivation and still is to this day to change my life around , in those 30 months real progress has been made but there still a long way to go it is the hardest and biggest challenge of my life

You have really done the right thing in protecting yourself and family and can't start to say how difficult it must be for you I am full of admiration for you , fortunately my split was non gambling related she knew I gambled and to some extent she did too it was the best decision for both of us though no regrets on both sides and we get on ok now

Your ex I have no doubt will hit is rock bottom one day and my guess it will be way too late by then and will have lost everything which just for me shows the destruction gambling can go on to do , I know this is not now your problem but I'm guessing for your kids it must sadden you in many ways

I can confidently speak on behalf of many CGs that your thread will have touched many and also inspired many to keep going in their own recoveries and can see what could happen to anyone of us if we let gambling play a part in our lives

I can see this site has helped you so much with the support and advice and its great to see you taking the time to support others and not judging which in truth no one could ever blame you for after the affects it has had on you and your family

I wish you all the very best and hope life gets better and better for you , I hope you continue to post and keep us all updated

Castle2

Bless you castle & thank you

To be honest ( and I can be too honest but it's almost an antidote to too many lies I've heard) I've only read a few of the recovery diaries as they can make me angry. Sometimes anger cos there's people here that truly with every fibre of their being want to live their lives gamble free and will do everything to never place the bet that puts them back to square one, while some seem to play at it.

Anger is one emotion that I can do without adding too.

I have followed your thread since Easter last year when I found Gamcare. I'm so pleased your daughter is your light at the end of a dark tunnel. I wish my sons dad would at least put them somewhere near the top of his list of priorities instead of at the bottom

My boys are showing anger and hurt and on the few occasions their dad has attempted to make contact with them the children have vented their anger and hurt towards him. In return their dad behave like a petulant child saying ' he wouldn't bother contacting them again' or ' you won't have to see me again then'

Hardly helpful hey?

I hope my ex does hit rock bottom with an almighty thud. Not because I'm vindictive but because there are 2 boys that are absolutely amazing and he is missing out

Shelly x

Shelly

Lets hope for your boys sake he does but as your only too aware by now it has to come from himself and not anyone can make him see sense nor even your wonderful boys , like yourself it saddens me greatly

I find it amazing how this site can bring unity on both sides , we both recognise the fact that we are in recovery even though its on different sides , I share your frustrations with recovery diaries I have seen too many started and left unfinished to give up with not so much as a try is unforgiving and even more so for their families who undoubtedly will have to suffer more as a consequence

I have leaned though the only recovery I can control is my own and the same must apply for you stay focussed on what's best for you and your family it's very easy to get sidetracked as much as it can help it can also have a negative affect , I have always struggled with the balance of this site but I can say hand in heart it saved me in more ways than one i will be indebted to it and the amazing people that have given me so much support

Again I can't thank you enough for sharing your thread it brings hope to many others and I hope in return it can bring you some comfort whilst your life starts to change for the better

Castle2

Nice posts shelly and castle

I'm realizing that I need to put recovery from this addiction at the top of my list. It has to be my priority. If its not I won't have the other things - family, friends, life, work, happiness - that I value so much

As Castle says its good to see things from each other's perspectives - unity and help to heal the hurt hopefully.

Thanks for sharing

Triangle

Evening diary

Today hasn't been too bad. Stress relief at the gym this morning did me the world of good. While I'm there I don't think about anything that's going on so it's a bit of escapism.

From school kick out time it was a mad rush to pick the boys up feed them get them changed and out the door again for the drive to their training.

I spent 2 hours on the edge of my seat as all their hard work seemed to pay off all in one lesson. Moves that they have both been working on all came together tonight and I'm so so proud of them both. They are proud of themselves. They have practiced and trained so hard, it hasn't come easy, they work hard for their results - I guess the same as a CG would have to, to recover. It's not gonna be easy but if it's worth something to you you will work hard at it and make everyone who cares about you proud and never give up

Lots of luv from shellyb - one very proud mummy :-))

Shelly

I am truly humbled by the kind words you posted upon my thread,I am proud of the life that recovery gifts me,I hope the same life is gifted for you my friend.

One which does not have the destruction and misery that the selfish act of gambling bestows upon it,even worse in your case,like many others without you actually waging a single bet yourself.

Keep living a life without that destruction and things will improve.

I hope in time your children return to feeling safe,it is something they deserve at the very least,to grow without the fear,to have a childhood.

Duncs stepping forward never back

The support on this forum never ceases to amaze me,

I have good friends I could turn to and family but not close but none of them understand what it is like and it's not something I can explain.

The closest feeling to it is grief. Grief for all that has been taken from my children and me.

Grief that's been caused by the closest person to us. Grief that's been caused by the one that should protect us but still walks free.

So tonight before sleep takes over I pay tribute to those who are living a better life with honesty and integrity thro staying on the right path & righting their wrongs and I also pay tribute to my daughter & sons for being such amazingly strong through all that's been going on around them.

One day I will let them read this diary and know that I got my strength from them x

Hi Shellyb,

Reading through your diary this morning I think you have made the right decisions recently. Your story really hit a nerve with me as it has similarities with my parents while I was growing up.

My Dad did have his problems (alcohol & gambling as did Mum but one thing I always remember is the way my Dad used to blame everything on her even after she stood by him so many times. They separated a few times for numerous reasons but my Mum always took him back. I never fully understood the arguements at the time but it was simply mental abuse.

They are now divorced 10 years or so and the thing I used to ask her was why did she put up with it for so long. Her reasons were for us and she still loved him. I only wish she'd have made the change sooner for her own sake more than anything.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I think you have made the right choice for you AND your kids. You could also ask them what they think about the situation and you may be surprised at how much they understand it all.

Stay strong!

W