Here we go again

For my children I am doing the right thing, for my sanity I am doing the right thing, for our future I am doing the right thing.

Should my husband ever choose to recover and stay away from gambling for life he has to do it on his own now

No longer can I stand by & watch or support. No longer will my children see the destruction gambling does to their dad & ultimately me

From now we move forwards and will never be dragged back

Shelly

I always wondered which straw it would be that broke the camels back, what it would take for me to no longer put up with or support another 'lapse/relapse'

A lot of people I've seen ask in the f&f side of the forum ask the question... Can I do this again? Or how many more times? A question I always asked myself

This time I didn't even consider asking myself, can I do this again. It was something he said & I knew I'd spent nearly 2 decades of my life doing. He said something like " I was told to come home and tell you the truth because your a good wife and will support me"

That one sentence woke me up.

He didn't actually tell me cos I'd already found out. He was told this by his councillor weeks before but didn't have the balls to tell me.

But in that one sentence I knew my reaction was being taken for granted. He was being flippant with my feelings.

So not only was he still an active CG a liar & cheat but he also thought it would be ok for me to pick his pieces up and fix it for him.

I guess me opening the door & slamming it behind him with a one way sign on the way out ( so to speak) may have come as a surprise.

A lot of CGs I've heard say that when they come clean and open up they feel a sense of relief. Today I fully understand that feeling. Nearly a month has passed since the CG in my nightmare left and yes it's been tough coping with emotions from our children and dealing with my own but my god I feel 12 stone lighter.

Shelly - a new era

Hi shelley, i just wanted to say your strength and determination to make your life a better one for you and your children is truly admirable. I am a CG (13 days free now) and came on to this section to see if i continued on the road of gambling life could end up like for me and my family, your story really is heart wrenching. It really shows how much gambling can consume you to a point it changes you as a person 100%. I'm sure at 1 point your husband was a decent man and a good father but as soon as gambling became number 1 in his life and you and the children werent it destroyed not only his dignity but your life, your childrens life and the well-being of his entire family.

Your continued support for him through his many "slips" shows the compassion and love you showed to him, but his lack of respect for that and the abuse of trust is unforgivable. I'm so pleased you made the decision to take life back for you and your children...we only get 1 after all.

Will be following your journey with great interest and honestly real hope in my heart that things just get better and better for you and you family

Jess x

Today marks a milestone for me - my finances are completely separated from my soon to be ex husbands. I'm now safe from his next bet.

Solicitors again next week to arrange support for the kids etc and that's me done for a bit

I'm making good use of the local gym which gives my brain something to do rather than dwell. My mum always said I could be stubborn so I'm gonna use my stubbornness and not let this get me down :-/

Dear diary

WAHHHHOOOOOOOO

Whatever else has happened this last month I don't care. It pales to significance when 2 boys can overcome their sadness and focus on what's important to them. Hard work pays off in whatever you do and today theirs did.....

Invitation to join Team GB to compete in the world championships later this year. Get in there sons!!!!!

If you want something bad enough you have to work at it

Shelly - 1 bl**dy happy mummy

Hi Shelly

Just a quick flyby..I'm off the forum now and well on my way to rebuilding my own life on my own terms . ( just piggy backing on my old mate V) . I ceased loving the ex so I had nothing to loose on my old diaries hence the self indulgent and vitriolic tone.

I have followed your thread punching the air and willing you on.

I have also been told I'm stubborn ,determined and single minded as if they were bad things..but you know what? Those very same things are also life savers.

If I were a man they would be considered qualities with a big slap on the back and a pint down the pub.

I stopped looking for strength outside and tapped into my own myself...

You are a grafter and no coward and have probably got no credit at all for your tenacity maybe thinking it's just normal...well, it isn't .

You are a minority of people who should get recognition for just being you as you have worked so hard against impossible odds.

Imagine what you can achieve from a level playing field.?

I have FULL RESPECT For you Shelly....your family have one fantastic Mother .

Rachel xxx

o*g Rachel how lovely to hear from you. Hope dotty is well and looking after you too :-)))

I've thought of you many times over the last year hoping you have managed to break free

I'm so happy you have turned a corner and walking towards a new life hopefully kicking your heels in the air your way.

Thanks so much for dropping by you have no idea how much I appreciate it.

If stubborness is what it takes then I've got it in spades lol

Whatever it takes and whatever your doing to keep that smile on your face keep doing it. I could hear the sincerity in you post and that means the world.

Much love to you Rachel and respect to you in return xxxxxxxxxxxxxx shelly xxxxxxxxx

You go girl!!!

It's been a rough ride and financially it's still tight with CCJs pending but it's 100% better than it was and nothing compares to being in the driving seat.

It is easier if we loose by our own hand but if it's 100 x worse when we feel we have no control.

I sleep in my bed without clenched fists and breathe. My body is also on my terms. I no longer sleep in leggings and jumpers to make me as unattractive as possible to keep him off me. The barrier of resentment ..lol

Keep stubborn and keep safe....once you have had a taste of life without the stress of a gambler you will never go back, you cannot get your self esteem and confidence back whilst in an active gambling relationship but it comes back quickly when you are out of it...you remember who you once were.

I actually forgot how to smile and my smile is what I'm known for!!

You may feel survivors guilt and even a period of a depression after a few months of breaking free but this is all normal.

Your doing this with dignity and respect my friend..for me I had to mirror the same arrogance and belligerence to keep me safe....why? Because I am too soft and caring needed to adopt a character that would not attract this in again as once we are free we are in danger of attracting it in again with a different face...like a moth to a flame.

I had to be prepared to go to any lengths to self preserve...just as a gambler needs to go to any lengths to self exclude.

Rachel ...your biggest fan.xxxx ...keep safe,..keep stubborn ;-))))

So I'm nearly a month in to rebuilding my life bit by bit after the tsunami that was my husband and his gambling ways.

Funny thing is I don't think it was the gambling that did the ultimate damage. It was the lengths he would go to to lie and cheat his way out of his gambling debts etc

My children are doing ok. They're relieved he's not around but I have asked if they want to contact him but they don't. They don't want to hear the self pity he has and who could blame them.

I'm just worried that they're blocking it out and not actually dealing with any pent up feelings. It scares me that they too will turn to gambling as a way out as a friend anything

I don't want them to be anything like him. I want them to grown into successful young men with gentlemanly manners. I doubt my mother in law thought she was raising a monster. But I know she's ashamed of what here son has become

So moving on - the rest of my life will only be full of the things I put there. I'm looking forward to building a life for me and my kids with no one around us who constantly tears us apart.

This is my life and i am taking control of it.

Shelly - moving on

Morning diary

Feeling a bit down today and all motivation has disappeared. Things seem to be going on and I'm powerless to do anything. Data protection and all that jazz.

Today is a day where I have to force myself to get out of bed and face the day.

Just like a CG has to get past the urge to place a bet, or the depression that hits them when they know they're in trouble friends or family get the same emotions. The ones left behind but helpless to do anything.

I have my boys to focus on at least

Hi Shelly - Sorry you have been feeling low, and I hope the 'duvet day' has passed.

Of course I can't know what particular events are causing your problems at the moment, but you can hold your head up high in the knowledge that you have done the right thing for yourself and your boys.

My mother had to go it alone with me and my brother after my feckless father jumped ship and from our point of view we had a much happier life without him. It was tough at times, but her sense of humour and love for us got us through. You'll be fine, I know it.

Joanna

Hi Joanna & thank you

Duvet day has passed but mainly due to school run etc. today I feel the need to reinvent myself. I no longer want to look like the person I have been for15 years. So today some brave lady is taking the scissors to my hair!!!

Tomorrow I'm seeing my doctor and I'm going to talk about how I feel. Not something that comes easy for me but it's got to be done before the consequences of his gambling eats me alive

I know I'm doing the right thing - not easy tho :-/

Shelly

I think the feelings you are having are a common theme in recovery, the first period,the initial weeks are like the 'honeymoon' period. Everything is new,the feeling of elation and well being are replaced after this period with the carnage left by addiction,in your case someone else's.

Keep working through it,it will only improve.

Be proud of what you have achieved,build upon this,look after you and yours.

Make sure you do what you are legally entitled to do to make sure those debts created are paid by the person who made them.

Life is cruel at times,but as you kindly shared upon my thread yesterday,bin the stuff that causes sh#it.

From that you can grow.

Don't forget you are recovering too.

Be kind to yourself

Duncs stepping forward never back

I did it -

The hair that has been my security blanket has gone.

I'm no longer looking in the mirror seeing the wife that stood by a CG for too many years that promised recovery that never happened. No longer does that wife who was taken for granted look back at me.

I look in the mirror and see me - for the first time in a long time I actually liked what I saw. Above all a smile.

I know it's going to be a bumpy road ahead but my suspension is good!

Shelly - reinventing myself one step at a time