Here we go again

Morning diary

Well after living off adrenaline for the last month I'm exhausted. I've been living with this knotted stomach and sick feeling long enough. I've been self medicating with the gym as I've heard its good for depression etc so I dread to think how bad I'd feel if I hadn't but now I have to admit I need medical help. Even if it's to sit there with my gp and roar

So dragging myself off to docs this afternoon. Sleep without constant brain activity would be nice.

I have good days and bad but I guess that's to be expected. I won't let the ex's ways keep me down. I will get past this. It was a long time coming so guess me recovering from living with a CG will take a bit of time to get over.

I'll get there and come out the other side a d**n site better off.

This time next year Rodney .... I'll be just fine

Hey Shellyb,

Hope it went well at the GP. It takes real strength, ironically, to admit we don't feel good.

I'm only talking here from my own very personal experience, so feel free to ignore it, but what worked for me was talking therapy. CBT.

I used to feel very anxious and got panic attacks even going to work. The doc stuck me on SSRIs for 6 years and they improved my mood but made me feel soft like something from Fraggle Rock. If you are suffering from depression (and who could blame you after what you've been through) then maybe try it for a while, although they take 3 weeks to kick in, and for the initial few weeks the anti-depressants may even exacerbate existing symptoms.

But if you are feeling anxious and down then I would wholly recommend Cognitive Behaviour Therapy before taking strong drugs.

Ultimately, it is YOUR health. I've no idea how you are feeling, and I'm a million miles away from ever being a healthcare professional. But having followed your thread it sounds like after years of awful stress you have finally broken free and need time to come to terms with and process what you've been through now you are finally in a safe emotional place. Talk it through rather than reach for the chemical cosh that your GP may be pushing for because of lack of time, etc.

Best wishes,

Molehole x

Hi molehole

I'm really not one for going to docs let alone take meds. Used to get tonsillitis regular as a teen and dong think I've ever started and finished a course if antibiotics let alone anything else

Went to gp this aft, embarrassed to talk about myself. Filled out a questionnaire type form. Chatted some more. I wouldn't say I was depressed excessively nor would I ever consider suicide which was one of the questions. Self harm etc is not even in my vocabulary. But what I am suffering with is poor sleep, gritting my teeth all night and waking up with horrendous jaw ache & headache then lacking motivation to even eat during the day. The first thing that goes for me is my appetite. Not felt hunger for a month !

Doc advised very low dose citalopram. I have to go back in 3 weeks for check up. I'm quite conscious of being on tablets but if it stops me living and surviving on adrenaline to get thro the next few weeks I'll give it a go.

A couple of years ago me & the ex went thro cbt together because of his gambling. Id like to say it helped but in all honesty it didn't. How can someone with a degree a perfect life happy marriage etc know what it's like. No more than a midwife who hadn't had kids could tell me what pregnancy & child birth is like.

Thanks so much for the concerns I do appreciate it. It does me the world of good just writing on here at the moment - I can say what I need to and no one is judgmental. No one knows me so I can carry on with day to day life without someone looking at me in that sympathetic sideways glance

I hope life continues to treat you well in your quest for a bet free future x

Cool. Oh wow, never thought your GP would suggest Citalopram 😉

All I'm saying is I was on the SSRI Citalopram for 6 years, and doctors usually prescribe it because they don't really have the time to listen to what your issues are.

But who am I to question? Good luck and welcome to the chemical community. It will take at least 2 weeks for the Citalopram to kick in, and before that expect to feel all your anxiety and depression symptoms amplified until the drug kicks in.

I don't mean to sound nasty - but be very careful before you stick a pill in your gob to cure your ills, it is a rocky road that will lead to you being dependent for the rest of your life - much the same as being co-dependent on a CG.

You sound too strong and focused to accept a life on drugs. You may as well smoke a joint and come to the same conclusions.

PS/ a good joint doesn't have the side affects of massive weight gain that Citalopram does. (Again from personal experience).

mx

Thanks mole 🙂

Remembering to take them is my biggest hurdle. I'm useless with meds. For me anyway!!

I'm good with my patients I'd like to add. o*g I handle meds for a living you'd think I'd remember to take my own lol x

Shel

Afternoon diary

Feeling absolutely exhausted now. Between 3 kids work the house to run & the boys training schedule I'm just about done in

Topped off with lack of sleep it's starting to take its toll.

Why did I have to marry a CG who selfish ways left me to juggle the lot grrrrr

Wanted to share my evening real good laugh - well I found it funny anyway

Text from the ex saying he's a c**P dad so why bother!

The funny bit is he was real real real real severely totally and utterly c**P at gambling but he still put in the effort!!!

I'm sorry I may be a little warped in the humour dept but I'm sitting here watching my boys training with a fit of the giggles

Anyhow - apart from trying to encourage contact with the children the rest of the day wasn't a waste of time. I felt ok to return to work today and will be gradually building the hours up as well as studying so I'm getting there. Court mediation tomorrow. That'll be fun :-/

Not the easiest day ahead today to include the dentist 🙁 but I'll keep looking forward to the weekend. This weather we're supposed to be getting will see me doing some back breaking work in the garden and hopefully get some colour at the same time.

X

Hiya Shelly

Thanks for the post

Still following your thread , I see life has been a bit up and down and very much agree with Duncan there's times when the emotions are high and then hit a low after a time you start to get used to them it's felt by us all , just keep doing what you are doing and posting I find one inspirational post triggers a positive emotion when we are a bit low

Great news with the boys and their achievements that must be so pleasing for you and give you immense pride it's a shame their dad is missing out , I see he text you no doubt feeling low himself and gambling will just make it even more raw for him

It was nice of Rachael to post to you I do miss her as I learned so much from her she had so much wisdom Ange just like you she never judged , as you know she had a diary in the recovery section , maybe it's something you could do and transfer your diary across as you post on quite a few others over though I can assure you it would be greatly excepted and appreciated , but it's your diary your recovery and you do what ever suits your needs that's all that matters

It's just great to see you posting and hear how you and your family are doing

Take care

Castle2

Feeling really tearful today

Doesn't matter what I've done who's spoken to me the tears have just fallen. First time I've actually cried since this all kicked off.

Don't know why.

I need to shake this and quick!

Shelly

Good morning Shelly,

I've read through a few of your last post and will first if all say that you can be really proud of yourself you doing definitive a good job on your boys and you are doing the right thing to build yourself more and more back up.

It's such a pity that sometimes had to be this way because one part of a team is just not working together with the rest of the team.

Tears are sometimes good Shelly they are a sign for our feelings and help us to get over the things we can't change.

sorry I've got to go to work now but will stay in contact promise

With love and respect

Wolfgang

Good morning

For al f&f of CG's I'd like to say - there really is another life to live if you choose to take it

Having spent the best years of my life offering support to a CG who always promised a recovery that either never came or never lasted. Hundreds and thousands continually thrown at a machine that not only took his money but took his self respect his wife and children his friends etc

I'd had enough. I reached rock bottom before he did.

I'm a strong person. I had to be to live that life. It was more of an eXistence than a life in all honesty.

2 months on from the end of my relationship with him and I feel a lot brighter and stronger. I've still a lot to deal with but one thing I don't have in my life any more is lies. I live an honest life with my children and friends. I'm honest on my diary. I have never had anything to hide. And no one in my life hiding things from me.

There is now a light at the end of my tunnel. Something I could only have wished for while living with a CG

He dragged me down & and now I'm pulling myself and my children back up in a happier environment

Shelly

f&f diary

Only a few hours ago did I post on a CG diary in recovery. Then I come back to read for the evening in the hope of understanding, widen my knowledge etc to find an update from the author who has crashed and burned again today after 2 months hard work

I'm truly gutted for them but it does make me ask myself is there ever such thing as a full recovery with no going back.

Is it just a bolt hole?

I'll never understand how a CG brain works but I'll always keep reading and learning

Shelly

A few weeks since my last post on the f&f forum so just an update. 4 months ago I made that break. I broke away from a life with a CG and a liar

I said back then and I'll say it again. It wasn't the debts the gambling that broke me. It's only money to me and means nothing.

It was all the lies broken promises and hurt that was inflicted that broke me

4 months ago I longed to be a year into a new life for me and the kids.

I didn't have to wait that long. Now in just a short time I have faced my past and I'm enjoying my present and look forward to my future.

I don't have any outside worries that can be caused by others. I just have an honest life ahead of me.

I read on this forum every day. I've read my life in others diaries and it hurts so much that I lived that life. And allowed it to happen

There is another way. There is life away from the destruction. Believe when I say yes it's hard to start with but the toughness of it all goes away a lot quicker than u think. No more lies. No more head games. No more paranoid living.

I just get up every day now do what I do and sleep at night.

I've done this with 3 amazing kids by my side and under my wing. I'm a mum who's finally put her children's and her owns happiness first

I've recovered from my past.

4 months on I'm living

Shel

Hi Shellyb,

Well done you! I've been wondering how you were getting on.

You may remember commenting on my thread a while back. I've now left my boyfriend, strangely though it was more his decision to end things than mine. I left the house and am with my mum. It's only a few days in and it hurts like hell. I would have carried on truth be told but my partner and the man I love deeply is just not ready to quit and is being eaten alive by the compulsion he just cannot see. I don't want him to be like so many others on here that needs to lose a good woman first but seems that's the way it's going to be.

I'm glad you are sounding happier and you'll no doubt inspire me to plough onwards now.

It sounds like the kids and you are getting settled into a new life with no lies which I too look forward to.

Take care and best wishes.