My boyfriend and I have been to hell and back through his gambling addiction i wont go into the history as its nothing you all wont have heard (family holiday money gambled, borrowing £1000s,Lies, Betrayal, etc etc) Anyway.. this time last year he hit rock bottom and decided enough was enough after everything i stood by his side and supported him but he knew this was his very last chance and if it happened again he would lose me forever, He told his parents and had their support too. Everyone around him wanted to help. He was going to GA meetings every week, his dad took control of his finances, things were looking up! We even started saving for a deposit for our first family home, I believed in him so much and really believed this was the time our life together with our girls changed for the better, Tonight my whole world has been shattered with him telling me he has been gambling the past 2 months, Thousands to be exact no more deposit for our family home, all trust is gone again, everything in our 'happy' life has went to S***. 🙁 I am absoloutely devasted beyond words. this time has been the hardest by far 🙁 Is it time to walk away? 🙁 Is there ever any hope from this terrible addiction 🙁 Does anyone who has been through this ever get their happy ending? 🙁 So many plans for this year all shattered 🙁 Thanks for reading K x
Hi K I'm sorry to see this. I have been where you are. Now my husband has no access to money. That's the best way in the beginning. No cards, no cash. If he does need money he supplies a receipt. Have you sought help? Gamanon, counselling? The person you can help most and change, is yourself. In my opinion slips are part of recovery, some never have another bet, others do. After attending GA he should know exactly what to do, keep on going. My husband gave up after a year, told me he was ok, didn't need GA. Now he goes, sometimes 2 meetings. It's a tough road, for them as well as you. It takes 100% commitment. Ultimatums do not work. Addiction is very powerful. Get some help for you, set a few ground rules. I would never trust my husband with money but I'm also aware that if he wanted to gamble he would. I can't control him, only support him emotionally. I've done much soul searching and had counselling, gamanon is where I choose to seek help and support.
Hi, sorry to read this, why has he confessed? Has he caused more financial problems/ debt? I know he has spent what has been saved and the reality is you maybe living the rest of your life worrying - is that really what you want
However if he has spend 'most' of the money without accruing debt, then maybe he is ready to stop, maybe, We all say never again when we have nothing left - it's easy then, we have no other options (other than stealing)
either way this is your life and you have every right to choose how you want to live it. He needs to forget about your relationship right now, he needs to focus on his recovery, being a good dad and maybe he can make enough steps to save your relationship but you must see actions, the words dont matter. You also dont have to decide definitively right now. be kind to yourself and give yourself time to think about what you want
whatever you decide once again im sorry you are facing this and best wishes whatever you do.
Hi Kkksss,
Sorry to hear what you are going through, living with addiction is not easy and unfortunatly there is no quick fix. Its a life long battle and one you must realise how to live with if you are to have a future together. As pervious poster has mentioned you both need support in this. For you coming here was the right thing to do, you can also look up GamAnon which is a support group for people who have friends or family with this addiction.
From what I have read of your story, it does sound like he is genuinely trying to beat this though. He had barriers in place but they have failed. I have been attending GA for over a year now and have had a couple of lapses also, the barriers I have in place at least protected me from doing too much damage. Basically we are compulsive gamblers for life, that the way it is, we will get urges or thoughts to gamble at some stage and we may act on them so we have to make it as difficult as possible to do so. These are the barriers we put in place.
Your next move is not easy, you obviously love and care for him or otherwise your would not be here. If you stay he now knows that you did not follow through on your promise to leave if it happened again which can be dangerous. If you stay I think you have to take control of the finances. If he has no access to funds he cannot gamble. As compulsive gamblers we leave open access to funds as deep down we resist the thought of never gambling again, this is one of the reasons in recovery you hear the mantra 'One Day at a time' as forever just seems impossble.
If I were you I would accept he has slipped up, I would only stay under certain conditions. This means you need full access to every type of account he has, banks, social media, emails, the lot. The way me and my partner work it is we have a joint accoun that all main bills come out of, my wages go stright in there, and we both have a debit card. If I need anything I can use the card as 99% of transactions can be made using a card nowadays. If I need cash for anything like a taxi etc I get a reciept as proof. You have to be careful here also though as some shops do cash back so you need to know what he is buying. Others are even more restricted and their partners are given money for lunch etc, but restriction to money is a neccecity as once he is back gambling he can do serious damage to finacnces and credit rating as you no doubt have seen.
My partner also has access to my emails also and most importantly my Credit rating account. Sites like Clear score etc are free, so if he his not on those, sign him up and change the password so only you have access. These show up any loans or credit cards he may take out in his name so he cant gamble behind yourback.
You need to site down with him and do a full inventory of his gambling, if he gambled online this should be straightforward. Check his bank statement online and see which sites he was betting on and how much he was spending. Its not easy to do but valuable. Then get him to self exclude from those sites. Next register with Gamstop so he will be blocked from sigining up with others.
I know this all seems a lot but if your living with a compulsive gambler Im afraid you need to be armed with knowledge of whats involved.
Remember he is the gambler and needs support, but you are living with him in this battle so its vital you also seek it.
I wish you well.
I would just like to say thank you so much for your replies! They are all so so helpful to me and mean a lot! I would love to reply individually to you all but my head is still a mess atm with it all, Thank you again k x
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