I cannot tell you all how reassuring it is to have found this site.
I've felt so alone for the past 6 months afraid to tell anyone about my boyfriends gambling problem through fear of judgement and uneducated opinions.
Background; my boyfriend and I have been together for the past 4 and a bit years. He's the love of my life and I want a future with him more then anything but slowly the image of that is slipping away with out any control ...
Long story cut short ... he's had a problem that I have been aware of for the past year and a half. We have come to blows about it multiple times however he only just accepts it's an issue because it's now affected my mortgage and us getting our first home together.
I feel so neglected by him for wasting all this money and whenever I mention I feel second best it never goes down well. Which led me to research more on gambling addiction. After doing so I realised how bad his problem really is and I'm about to suggest he gets help etc.
If anyone has any recommendations for this I would really appreciate it?
Thanks 🙂
Hi Lydia, welcome to the site! Like you I am a relative newbie but have found great comfort in reading other people's stories and getting their feedback, it makes you feel like you're not so alone.
I am married to a CG and have been with him for close to 17 years, since I was a teenager. I also felt he was the love of my life and felt like with enough live and support from me he could overcome his issues but sadly as of 2 months ago we are now separated because he couldn't get a proper grip on his addiction and it turned him into a compulsive lier and there was absolutely no trust between us. It's heartbreaking because he's such a lovely guy and when things are good they are so good which is why i've stuck by him for so long, his gambling has continued on and off for 13 years.
Looking back I wish I had never lied or covered up for him, never bailed him out financially and taken more support from friends and family. Without taking these steps you'll be leaving yourself open to a lifetime of pain because gambling addiction only gets worse if it's kept secret. Also don't leave yourself open by getting credit for him or giving him access to your finances because it will only hurt you in the long run. Don't let him make excuses for his actions because there is no excuse and don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed, this is what I did for years and that's why I stayed so long.
He has to take steps himself to make things better i.e. meetings, handing over of finances and address the real reasons why he gambles. Also please don't make your lives all about him, if you need to take a break from him while he sorts himself out do it because this isn't something you can fix for him.
Best of luck to you as you try and work through this x
Hi Lydia
Sorry to see what you're going through. Life with an active CG is hell.
Sad truth is until he wants help anything you can do or say is futile. You are right when you say you feel you come second to his gambling. The best advice is put yourself first. Make your finances and valuables inaccessible to him, sever every financial connection with him you can, read up all you can about the addiction and get any RL help and support you need whether that's from friends/family and/or groups such as Gamanon. No need for you to feel you have to keep his secrets for him and in fact doing so can often not end well.
It's very easy to get consumed by all this and rush around trying to fix things for them. Start to let him feel some consequences to his actions and take care of you.
Thank you for your replies. Just reading them has made me feel ten times better.
Hi, Lydia,
Sorry to hear what's been happening. We always try (or want to try) to fix them, but the sad fact is that we simply can't. They have to fix themselves. Put another way, the three Cs: you didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. The best advice is to focus on you and what you need.
If you read round the forum, you'll see where unchecked gambling can lead and like all addictions, it's progressive. There's a lot that he can do to limit his access to gambling and to overcome the addiction but he hasn't yet and until or unless he decides that he wants to, you're in for more of the same. And your problem isn't that you lack the magic formula to make him stop gambling. Your problem is coping with the effect that his gambling is having on you. The best thing is to continue what you've started, keep posting, call the Helpline, go to counselling and GamAnon to get targeted help from people who have the same problem.
I would stop and think long and hard about your needs and what you expect from your relationship with him. You have already found out that as an active gambler, he regards the next bet as being of far greater importance than you or your wishes or needs. Do you want to sign up to a lifetime of this in emotional terms?
If you take out a mortgage on a house together, and he continues as he is, he won't be able to contribute his fair share towards the mortgage and your household expenses because he will have gambled it away. Either you will end up supporting him and paying everything by yourself or worse, if you can't, the lender will take repossession proceedings against you. And against him, but he'll have nothing because he will have gambled it. The other spectre is that his creditors may eventually seek to secure their unserviced loans against the equity in your joint house. Be aware of all this, perhaps consult a mortgage broker or IFA but do what you need to do to protect yourself financially.
Take care of you.
CW
Hi yes as a cg it is a minefield so you have to tread carefully.Sadly my own family no longer trust me and feel betrayed and believe me its heartbreaking because I have created this situation so its not their fault any more than yours with your partner.No matter how Mr Nice Guy he is he has to want to fix himself and be 1000% committed no bs and that means taking a long hard look at his own situation and life he may not like it but its called tough love.Hopefully this forum will guide you in the right direction if you want to help him if and he chooses to take on board the advice and listen as well as admit his problem then its a start the ball is his court.You have to ask the question are you prepared to support him in his recovery nothing else no bail outs or bs just be mindful.If you have been with him a while then you will know if he is genuine but dont take it for granted you will always be on your guard.But on a positive note it can get better it takes time with loved ones but dont let it be the be all or end all remember you have a life too, its down to him if you are both on the same page it can work out only time will tell good luck.
We moved into a place rented and with in tI have been reading some of these comments. I have had joined just as I'm going through so much emotions and don't know what to do. I have been with my partner or x for 7 years.
Hi Emma,
It looks like you posted this here as a duplicate and I have deleted it here, so you find it easier to gain support for yourself in the thread that you started. Hope this helps.
Kind wishes
Forum Admin
Hi Rhoda,
Thank you for posting this in support of Emma. I have copied and pasted your response to Emma in her own thread in this section.
I hope this makes sense.
Kind wishes
Forum Admin
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