My husband has a gambling problem. I'd venture to tell you that many of the men in his family do too, whether they admit it or not. Every year when American football season comes around, he starts betting with a bookie. Every year he wins a lot of money at first, but by the end he's spent the money and lost even more. It consumes him. I feel when he's really in the thick of it he neglects myself and our daughter. I feel like each year it gets worse financially. I separated my bank account from his otherwise I would have nothing too. When he wins I ask him to give me the money so I can put it in savings for when he loses. Often times he will give me a little of it, and then tell me he won't give it all to me because he is a grown man and I am not his mom. He says it is belittiling to him when I ask for it and act like he can't handle it. Now we are at a point where he needs to take out another loan (on top of a $25,000 + $9,000 and about $11,000 in credit card debt). It seems like over the years it just gets worse, and he is not always honest about how much the loans are, if he even tells me about them, or how much he owes someone. He cannot get a loan on his own anymore and needs me to co-sign for it. When I told him I would not do that he said he doesn't love me and wants a divorce. He cannot believe that I won't help him out and how unsupportive of him I am. I cannot trust him, and anything I try and do to help (like asking for the money when he wins to put in savings for when he loses) he thinks I am controlling him and trying to act like his mom. We make a good living and should be so much further ahead in life than we are thanks to gambling. It also leads to stress about our family. I would like another child, and so would he, but how irresponsbile to have one when we can barely make it the way things are now. I feel so much anxiety, stress and helplessness.
Britts,
Reading this story makes me so sad as I completely know how you feel.
My partner has a gambling problem and I had no idea to what extent until he tried to take his own life and expressed it all in a suicide note.
Like you, I dealt with the "you're not my mother" and "it's my money" comments.
And like you, I really struggled with the fact that this issue was keeping us from our future - to get a mortgage, to have a wedding and to start a family just because he kept putting us more and more in debt.
Your husband sounds very stubborn and very defensive - which will certainly prove difficult.
The way out for us was that I gave my partner an ultimatum - I said I couldn't live like this anymore. That he had a problem (whether he wanted to face up to it or not) and either he gets help and lets me completely take over all of our finances or I walk. At first, he let me walk and he went to stay with his mum. But after only a day - he agreed.
He now gets his wages paid into my bank account and I'm fully in control of all of our finances. I take out all the money that we need for rent and bills ect and then give him whatever is left over...so he still has his own money but at the same time I know that all the bills and everything is paid so we won't get into more debt.
I think you just have to sit him down and talk to him and make him understand that where although he doesn't think he's got an issue, that you do. Tell him you're worried about your family and the future financially. I think 100% the key to any good relationship is communication and if you can't tell him how you feel, what have you got? And yes he may get defensive and yes he may say you're "unsupportive" but just explain that you're only saying it because you love him and want to help.
I think in these situations that's all you can do...either address it or live with it (which isn't healthy for anyone). Everyone deserves to be happy and if you're not - something needs to change.
Hello britts
Welcome to the forum its sounds like you are having a very difficult time and I am sorry to hear you are feeling stress anxiety and helplessness. Please find a link here to the (NCPG) National Council on Problem Gambling –National Helpline for the USA there is a 24 Hour Confidential Helpline you can contact for support the information is on this link http://www.ncpgambling.org/
It sounds as though you could do with support for yourself and you may be able to get support in your local area if you speak to them at NCPG. When someone has a problem with gambling you are right not to trust the person with money and it is a sensible step to separate your bank accounts to keep your finances safe. A person with a gambling problem often needs help in stopping gambling. You can encourage your husband to get support while at the same time it is good step to look after yourself and perhaps get the support you need. You may also want to consider speaking with your doctor about how you are feeling.
Please also see a link here to guidelines for family members when someone in their life has a problem with gambling http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/partners-friends-and-family
Take care
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