How do I find my own happiness, while he's busy self destructing?

Thanks all. I know I'm damaged goods. CW you are correct. I come from a broken man. My father was a verbally and physically abusive devil from the time I was born until the time my mother left him. He then refused to change anything about him for us and in fact turned his back on us when he and my mother divorced. He never attempted to make all of his wrong right. So yeah, I would say that probably has a lot to do with who I am. When I got into this, I was of the mindset that I wasn't going to judge him. We all have our crosses to bare. But the truth is, I was judging him for it from the beginning. I did want to fix him. I did want to help him see how amazing he "could" be. I've worked hard to try to stop being that person, but clearly this is not something that I can fix or even need to fix. That's for him. I just have to find the strength to make those hard choices for myself. To believe that if he doesn't think me worthy of fighting for, then someone else will. That's the hardest part of all of it! Have a great day everyone. Thank you so much for being there.

It’s not about whether he or anyone else thinks that you’re worth it. Change will come when you start to think that you’re worth it and think and act accordingly.

Take care of you.

CW

I'm so glad I found you guys! Thank you so much!

So tonight he asked for a link to this page. He's reaching out. I pray he finds something that works. Fingers crossed! Note the incognito name...

Sorry to be harsh but how does him extressing an interest in GamCare change your project to work on you?

He may well be trying (I find coping with addiction very trying). I hope he does find recovery but you need to heal and recover as well.

Focus on you, take care.

CW

Comment about spam now deleted.

That's funny! How do they get here?

CW I'm not sure how me noting a name change was to try to protect my privacy and my thread was NOT about me. If he asked for a link to a page that may help him to open his eyes and realize just how badly he needs help, is it not my responsibility to try to help him find his way? I get the focus on me thing, and NO that has not changed. But if he needs supported while making positive steps to get into recovery, isn't that what we are supposed to do? The reason for the post was to inform those who I have been finding support and strength with that I wanted to try to protect my anonymity from HIM. I don't even know that he will be in this section of the forums, but I'd like to continue to share my feelings and thoughts private from him. That's all. Am I wrong? What is that comment about spam being deleted? and How funny! How do they get here? I'm confused. I hope I am making sense. I hope you all still post and give me guidence. I appreciate it and meant no offense by doing this. I feel there is a wealth of knowledge and support here. I think it would be a disservice to anyone who needs help to deny them this connection if I know how powerful it has been for me. Have a great day!

Hi,

Just saying that what you need to do doesn’t depend on what he does or doesn’t do, either positive or negative. Apologies for any offence.

CW

Thanks for bothering with me during your busy work day Blue! CW, no worries. I'm still very much focused on me.

Hahaha your posts crack me up Blue! It is now 9:42am as I'm reading this. I have a late work day today, so I slept in TOO LONG. Your work description was a good start to my day. (giggles) I work in mental health, and with some of the most severely mentally ill people in our area. I don't think I need to tell you that my days can be a real roller coaster! It never gets boring that's for sure! But, I was born to do what I do. I just need the vacations (or is it annual holiday in your terms) that I get desperately. I get 3 weeks a year (could use 1 a month). Unfortunately, he never looked at the link. I made an observation the next morning, and asked the question "Have you overspent your budget on gambling this week"? To which, he answered "yes". Which is when I politely and without agression stated, "Oh, I see. That's why you were talking about how you needed to get some help last night. You always do this when you are on a losing streak and end up broke (I think you guys say skint)". I said it matter of factly and without threat and turned away to continue what I was doing. I won't pretend to not know his manipulations anymore. I'm going to leave him to reflect on his reality. Me - I'm going to continue to do whatever it is that I need to do to separate and strengthen me. Yesterday, in the art program at my agency, we did Faces Of Recovery masks. They are paper masks that people in recovery from mental illness and addiction paint and decorate to represent the mask that they wear to hide their addiction or mental illness, or to represent what hides beneath their everyday mask. The masks travel all around our state in a traveling art show to bring awareness to mental illness and addiction. I decided to join my members and create my own. I must say, it was a very deep and moving experience to reveal my truths on this mask. I spend so much of my time helping everyone else sort out themselves and try to heal that I rarely ever reflect on what lies deep in me. It's kind of scary in there! haha! Anyway, I'm proud of how it turned out and I'm proud of me for accepting the truth about me. But I must admit, it's draining and frustrating to try to sort out what is healthy and not. So much of who I am is not healthy for me, but I've helped change countless lives by being the selfless person that I am. I don't want to ever stop being the person that people can count on and that will go the extra mile to help those in need. I'm proud of her. But in my personal life, I really do need to realize my worth and expect more from my partner. That whole worth thing is the hard one. Ughh.... Blue, I don't think you need to worry about editing any comments. I'm not so concerned with that. If he takes the time to read so many posts that he finds this thread and realizes, good for him. I have no secrets here. I'm not ashamed of what I've written and I will own my truths. I just like to have my privacy to share my thoughts without provoking him or arguing or hearing him be defensive. I would love for him to get on the forum and read what other addicts have written. I think it would help him to really see more clearly if he realized that your stories are so alike that I have a hard time separating one from the other! And I mean that Blue, much of what you have said was like you were standing in my livingroom journaling our daily activity! You candidly telling on yourself and revealing yourself so truly has helped me so much! I know others can agree. Please never stop. Have a great day my friends from far away! Your support and listening (or reading I guess) means alot!

Hi HT, just wanted to jump in here with a couple of observations...

In relation to the work that you do (which is incredible by the way), don’t underestimate the stress that looking after people who are less able to look after themselves can bring.

I also want to reference what must have been @ the very least an uncomfortable childhood, (if not always, then @ times) & say that working in mental health isn’t the same as working a recovery program.

Focusing so hard on everyone else’s problems (read...judging EVERYONE) meant I never had time to even accept let alone face my own! Recovery has been a real eye opener & coming to terms with recognising, what I’ve considered for years to be my strengths are in fact character weaknesses (who knew being a highly entertaining (if I say so myself) angry Bird was so unhealthy) has been somewhat of a challenge! Being a people pleaser is great for everyone around you, who rely on your good nature & I imagine, take advantage of it, but it’s not healthy for you to be so far down the pecking order in your life!

I completely identify with you saying you don’t know what makes you happy...Whilst I have successfully put down my addiction after some 30 years, I am still really struggling to figure who I really am & what makes me tick. I’m no expert but I think you raise a valid point about your co-dependency & hope that joining in with the mask exercise has given you much needed strength to encourage you to push through for you! There are going to be uncomfortable times ahead, in your mind & probably your heart but the sharp shooters all come from a place of love...Regardless of which side of the fence or what side of the water we are all here striving for a common purpose.

I haven’t seen much evidence from people using this site alone as a recovery tool but I have heard many stories of the comfort of recovery & for me, the little effort I have put into the 12 Step program so far has been more rewarding than I could even start to explain.

Sounds to me like you’re embracing change & already on the right track, you definitely do need to work on your self care! Keep it up, it’s progress not perfection - ODAAT

P.s: My name’s Kelly & I’m a compulsive gambler! If anyone had tried to tell me I’d ever be writing that down when I 1st came here, I would have cyber punched them clean out (& that will be my over active imagination again...probably more likely I would have laughed in their diary)...Addiction is progressive but so is recovery!

Have a great holiday Blue! I hope you don't read this until you've finished, so that I'll know you spent the time doing exactly what you had planned, NOTHING! Kelly, thank you for sharing your observations. I think it's funny you put "judging EVERYONE". When I am helping to enable him, he tells me how much he appreciates my selflessness and how generous I am with my time and efforts to help everyone. But when I respond negatively regarding what he's doing or don't give him what he needs from me to be okay in his sickness, he calls "judgy". "Why do you have to be so judgy"?! "Don't judge me"! Haha! You can't ask me for my help or expect me to take care of everything you need and not get my observations of what you're doing, or better yet not doing, to improve your situation for yourself. I can't alway be the fixer. I can only show you or tell you how to take another path, and let you try it. But in the end, I always end up being the one who gets let down. My expectations have always been too high for him. I'm done focusing on his excuses to continue to fail and lose. I'm not expecting anything anymore. I'm just going to try to refocus on me in those times and find my own healing. I want to put some of the expectations on me now. Especially since I know I'm "a doer"! I won't let me down, well not nearly as much as others have that's for sure! I'm glad you are in recovery Kelly. I'm sorry that it was 30 years that you were in the grips. That's such a long time! I hope you are embracing and enjoying your new life! Have a great weekend!

Hahahaha! Welcome back! That's funny that you got snockered. You know there's a country song that I'm fond of that says sunrise, sunburn, sunset repeat...Sounds like you've got the idea. Well we must add (snockered) in there somewhere. I did the same on Friday. BAD IDEA! I don't drink. Maybe once or twice a year I will partake, and then regret it for several days to a week and remember why I don't drink. Well, Friday was my once this year. I literally started crying while reminiscing with my brother about past hard times and I cried for 3 solid hours! I think all of my emotions are just raw right now. I honestly didn't know I could produce that many tears! I'm not really sure that I would have cried even close to that much, had I been sober, but none the less, I did. Bad night! Worse next 3 days! OH THE AGONY OF HANGOVER!!!

I have been sticking to my guns. I'm still calling bs when I hear it. Not aggressively, just stating that it's not fact, or that it's manipulation, or that I don't accept his twisted truth and I move on with my day. I've also had the opportunity to see myself as the enabler that I was before this awakening and to STAND UP and say NO! He has a family gathering for his cousin's baby shower coming up soon. He asked me to get online and shop for her and he would pay for it. So I was busy shopping away and talking to him about how much this, or that, would be. He decided that he would like to get her some diapers that were most of his budget (or the budget that he told me he had when I started shopping) and asked if I would put some money in to add to the pot and get her something in addition to that. NOPE! (the old me would have offered half of the total cost, even though he pays nothing toward the things that "we" buy for my side of the family) I explained calmly, this is your side of the family. You pay for the expenses for food contributions, gifts, and that kind of stuff. I pay for the same for my family (only I'm not cheap so I spend more with my family and he "we" look way more generous to them). So I stuck to my guns. Then, he says to me "I don't have cash for that. I could use my credit card". I said, OKAY! The old me didn't realize that was one of his manipulations. I am such a stickler about wreckless charging on a cc that I would have said - NO! I WILL PAY FOR IT NOW, AND YOU PAY ME BACK (your half) LATER. This time, I ran his card and left it on him. I know his balance is growing higher and higher, but fighting with him only makes me crazy. If he must completely fail to realize that he's sick, then I must let him.

I was so proud of me. Hardest thing I've ever done! I don't do well with watching someone I love head down the road to self destruction. I want to be on the edge of the cliff pushing him back away. But I can't. I get it now. I'm just going to pray for him and continue to move forward in life focusing on me and my responsibilities and happiness. Someday....maybe he'll see. Maybe.

It's good to have you back Blue! I missed our chats. I check the forum every morning when I sit down to have my coffee (before I go on fb and get lost in Candy Crush mania). It brought a smile to my face to see you back with another silly story. You really are a bright star! Keep shining your light. Have a great day, and aloe helps alot with sunburn.....

I'm assuming you're concerned about your partner reading your posts here because your gambling problem isn't something you've shared? I don't want to misunderstand. That's how I understood what I read. If so, I'm sorry that you have to worry about your posts being read. But, I must say that you being open about your failures as well as your struggle to overcome is inspiring and says alot abour your character. I think if you were as open with your partner as you are here, you'll find it's a good thing. Allowing your partner to support you as a partner does can't ever be a bad thing. Loving someone who has a gambling addiction has been a challenge, because he is actively embracing it. But the truth is, under the addiction lies an amazing man! He's loving, caring, helpful, loyal, and attentive. He has great worth! So do you! You have beaten that monster off and are successfully moving forward with your life. I would venture to say that you are a wonderful person (from what I've learned about you) and your partner may be more understanding than you think.

The truth is, we all have a past and mistakes that we'd like to hide from the world forever. But for every mistake there is a lesson to be learned. As long as you have learned from them, they are what molds us into the person that we are today. Our scars represent our truth. They represent battles fought and won. They respresent a journey of learning. Don't be ashamed of your scars. Just because yours come from a different battle, doesn't make them any different than mine or anyone elses. We all have them!

Instead be proud of you! Own your journey, struggles and all. It's what makes you, you!

Vegas - NO! He's asked as recently as a couple of days ago if we could book a trip there (we've never been). It's been on our list forever, but we always manage to find other things to do. I feel like a trip like that would make me an enabling hypocrit. Even though I would love to go and see the lights and the shows and say that I had the "Vegas experience", I know that it would feed his addiction and encourage that behavior. I'm trying hard not to do that! But on the other hand, I feel like I'd be shorting myself of something I've always wanted to do, to shelter him from himself. That's a tough one!

I hope by now you're healed. I hope your Sunday is full of blessings and I hope you find a nice shady spot to enjoy it in!