If I may, you dear have a very negative self image! You're right, I don't know you like everyone else (in your world) does and all I do know is what you have shared here. But, there is nothing that I've read in any of your posts that say you are uncaring or that you lack compassion and empathy. If you spoke as bluntly and openly about where you've been and where you are now to the world, I think you'd find it empowering. I think the shame, guilt, and embarassment would soon turn into triumph, praise, and encouragement. I live in the recovery world. I see everyday what owning your victory over addiction does to people. It's beautiful!
So, you share openly with me from your perspective, so I'm going to be open about mine regarding your little secret. From the other side: I would be sad to learn that you had carried that secret around for our entire relationship and never felt confident enough in our partnership to share that with me. I would be angered that I have been with someone for ....long and didn't actually know the whole person. But most of all, I would be relieved to know that you had opened up to me with your truths, both good and bad, so that I can support and encourage you in whatever way you need. I think complete honesty and trust are the foundation of a strong relationship. It is the lack of those 2 things that is greatly impacting mine now. My fiance has a reason to hide, he is sick and in the grips of his gambling. You have no reason to hide - you have conquered your demon. Stand proud and shout from the roof tops. Be that inspiration for the next person who needs to see hope for recovery. Let your partner celebrate with you and for you. We live for our partners happiness and celebrate their victories! That's what a relationship is all about. This world is hard and dark. You were lost in the darkness, and found your way out. That says AMAZING things about your character and strength.
Now, do with all of that what you wish. I just wanted to share from my view of things. Since that is what I appreciate about you most, your perspective. However you deal with it, just know that you are worthy and it's ok to have made mistakes in life. We all have! It's the lessons learned from them that matters. I have made many regrettable mistakes and if I could go back and undo I would! But, the truth is, I'm pretty proud of who I am today. All of those lessons are responsible for that.
Please don't feel like you need a diary. I appreciate your shares and I hope that in some way I can mutually support you as someone on the other side of that fence we both peek over. I know you are an addict in recovery, yet I think you are worthy of support, trust, friendship, encouragement, and love. I promise the rest of the world will say that too! I challenge you to start turning those negative thoughts into positive ones. As each of those thoughts come into your mind over the next week - think of a positive attribute about you to respond in your head with. Literally every time! You have to change those negative thoughts into positive ones. You have to know your worth. Your 1st response, courtesy of me - "I can, and do, help others because of what I learned from my past mistakes".
Have a great week Blue!
Blue, this is as much about you as it is about me. Support is a mutual exchange. I don't like to always be the person taking in any relationship, be it friends, coworkers, lovers, siblings, or just citizens on the same street. For every blessing we are given, we need to try to be one to someone else. Please don't regret sharing anything being about you. I learn and grow from everything others share with me. I am a very empathetic person, so I appreciate being able to see the world from other people's eyes. It's keeps my perspective fresh. There's nothing worse than a closed minded person who only sees the world from one perspective. There's so much more to learn and see! Thank you for opening up. I never intended for the words I wrote in my last post to offend or put you on a defensive side. I was just offering my support and encouragement. This is very much your life. You decide who, what, where, when, and why. I was just trying to show you what it looks like through my eyes.
As far as teh rest of the people out there, I can't forget them. It's in my nature to want to help others. It's the fuel that feeds my soul! But as far as a treat - I think a nice Reese Cup ice cream sunday sounds great! (was that what you meant when you said dairy?) Maybe you implanted the idea! haha!
You say you're not good at giving emotional support or advice, yet you are doing it (and doing it well I might add) on every forum post you make. I have found great support and advice in you 🙂 You're correct on one thing for sure, you do have a terrible time at seeing yourself in a positive way. It's ok, I'll continue to throw some positives in to remind you every now and again, eventually you'll get it! 🙂
Oh no! Your scale is winning?! I hate that b*****d! It's such a buzzkill. Takes all of the fun out of life! I however, have lived on the fluffy side of life for my entire life. Now in my 40s I am battling that too. It never was a real issue, aside from the teasing from other kids or my #@%*# of a father. I was always able to do everything that the other kids did, many times even better. I had no problems with dating. Heck I rocked fluffy! Now....along comes the 30s and the back started hurting. And then the 40s and everything hurts! My body is definitely tired of carrying all of me! I've lost 40 lbs (sorry I don't know the weight conversion) but I have so much more to go. It's a constant struggle.
And food, yeah, that's my addiction. Always has been. I recently found the book the Easy Way to Quit Gambling for my partner. I read about it on some other threads, told him about it and he was interested. I actually did buy that one as a gift for him on audiobook, so that he could listen to it at work. I think I may get the weight loss version of it and give it a read. It's a constant battle. I too have my vices. Like I said, we all have our crosses to bare.
Right now, for me though, it's about the healing and strengthening of my soul. I've been so empowered by the choices I've made and the separation from his addiction! Seeing my life from a totally different perspective is an adventure, that's for sure! I am still fighting the battle of the bulge, and I won't surrender. But for me, finding my peace and happiness is far more important so it will stay at the front for a while. Once I have succeeded in remembering that I am perfectly capable of standing on my own, whether my partner wins or loses (pun intended), I will be better equipped to face the fluffy issue head on.
There's so much of me that needs work! Lord have mercy! One day at a time though, right! I feel like I've burned some calories just typing all of that mess out!
Enjoy your day Blue! I hope something beautiful happens for you today that makes you smile 🙂
ps. I didn't get the ice cream....but I did eat about 8 mini reese cups! oops....
Haha! That hairdresser visit sounds like it was an adventure! I'm a people watcher. I would have loved listening to that old lady moan and groan about all of the annoying things in life. Matter of fact, my sons (grown now) tell me all the time that I'm turning into that old lady! Haha! I do find that in my neighborhood I'm the one everyone waves too and says hello to, but I'm also the one sitting inside saying 'I can't believe they have their music up so loud today, I'm trying to enjoy my AFTERNOON."! Or, "Did you see the new neighbors? They have a truckload of bad kids that we'll have to worry about running around screaming up the neighborhood"! HAHA! I have to laugh. Sometimes I even shock myself that I've become the old lady on the block. When did that happen?! Who stole my fun-loving, dance when you hear the music, give the kids a popsicle side?! Then I step back, and smile. I guess it just comes with age. Pfft! I don't want to be her! So I work to be the old, young me! One day at a time for that too 🙂
I think limiting the amount of stressors in my life as much as possible helps me a lot with not being the grumpy old lady on the block. For a long time I have been overburdened by the weight of the world. That's exhausting! In this new journey, and it's not been long, I am working to release that worry to the universe and not carry it as my own personal responsibility. I have to accept that there are things that just simply aren't fixable. There are people who simply don't want to change. There are situations that can be someone else's trouble instead of mine. I've always accepted the blame, jumped first to volunteer, and allowed everyone to leave their worries on my doorstep. Literally, I have watched people come to me saying "Help me, help me, I don't know what to do"! And leave me smiling and content that they had solved their problem, simply by casting it onto me, because they knew I would take care of it. My fiance and his immediate family are all procrastinators. So bad that they don't know how to do basic do-it-yourself stuff that we've all learned in life. To the point that many times I have wondered how they've survived this long! (not even kidding) His mother calls me "the Do'er". Because something comes up that needs done, and I Do it. When I start a project, I'm committed until it's finished, and finished well. It used to feel like a compliment that she called me that. Now I realize that it's somewhat of a character flaw.
I am proud of myself for being an achiever. I am proud of myself for not ever relying on anyone else to lift me to my feet if I should stumble or fall - lesson learned from my mother, after that #$@&* of a father abandoned us. Wow She Was Strong!
I am a survivor. I am strong and determined. Those are strengths. But I am also loyal, empathetic, supportive, giving, and loving to a fault. Many have taken advantage of that in my life. But today - I am working to find balance in all of that. I want to alway be those things, but in a balanced life. I need to figure out how to allow others to carry their own load. I don't mind to help, but first I need to see you attempting with all you have to do it yourself. That's something I never waited for. Oh you have a heavy load to bare - let me pick that up and carry it for you. Never allowing those in my life to know the struggle that it takes to build that same character and strength that makes me who I am. I am strong because I was conditioned that way through a life of struggle. A life where I had to pick up the load and carry my own. I don't wait for someone to help. I HATE to ask anyone for anything. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. Why then have I always allowed myself to be burdened with everyone else? *Sorry, I think I just got lost in my brain. I'm rambling as I work through my own stuff.*
Anyway, you see where I'm at now. There's a bazillion thoughts running through my head and I'm only now learning to reach for one, sort it out, and then reach for another. This juggling act I've always done is tiring!
Sheeewwww...I'm tired now! I only just woke up and that share made me feel like I need a nap! haha!
I'm so glad you managed to smile! Life is so full of bs! We must try to always find the funny in it. That helps as we trudge through it, to keep us focused on the fact that we're moving forward and not on the fact that we're mired down in stinky, thick, hot bs. YUCK! THAT IS A HORRIBLE ANALOGY!! You know what I mean! 🙂
Wishing you another smile for today, maybe shoot for 2! Be blessed! 🙂
Wow! I overslept too. Well, for me it was. My alarm actually woke me up today. I'm always up about a half an hour before my alarm and drinking coffee, already posted here, and playing Candy Crush by the time my alarm goes off. Today, I realized I skipped the forum and started Candy Crusing first. My schedule is now all screwed up! haha! d**n that Candy Crush! d**n that long rest! But, I did remember in time to check in and read your reply.
It's so funny, we are worlds apart, yet have so much in common.
One definite difference though, is I would have cussed that s-i-l out about that thesis comment!!!! How dare she! My younger sister is so much that way, except she has a good "excuse". She's an addict with mental health issues. But she refuses to get help. For 25 years she has blamed everyone and everything for her shortcomings, as well as her addiction. Rather than accept that she is sick and accept help, she instead embraces her life in shambles. I have raised her children for her, while she took 2 trips to prison over the past 25 years (all drug related offenses), yet when you speak my name to her - I am satan! It's funny, when she was in prison and I was driving long distances to bring her children to visit and writing her and supporting her, I was the best. But she comes out and rather than continue in a program and fight back against her need to use, she immediately returns to old behaviors and those same friends. I refuse to help her as she undoes any progress she's made (while I'm busy raising her children for her) so I become the hated one. Now her kids are grown. I haven't talked to her in over a year. But one of her children recently told me that she's in a sober living facility! I do pray for her every night. So I'm hoping this is prayer answered!
Oh my - look at the time! I have to run. I'm going to get back on schedule today, I'm sure of it! Probably right around bed time this evening. haha!
I hope you get some rest and peace in the middle of this hectic day of catch-up-with-yourself!
You know, here in the US we have a service called Clicklist that is the most amazing thing ever! I absolutely HATE grocery shopping! I hate all shopping really (it's a fluffy people thing, I think). Anyhow, we are able to shop online for our groceries and set up a time to pick them up at a drive up area of the local store! It's amazing! They even deliver, as fast as in one hour, at another local store! (probably why our country battles obesity). I am such a fan of it though. I'm a planner. I love to be able to meal plan, shop, and then pick everything up without having to deal with those dreadful supermarkets. Maybe you should use that service if you have that, or start one up (there's your million dollar idea, remember me when you get rich). I don't eat much bread. I miss it dearly, but I've been instructed by my doctor to try to cut out carbs. So I try to stay away. However, I did make BLTs (bacon, lettuce, tomatoes) for dinner the other night on a wonderful sourdough bread. IT WAS HEAVEN!!! Funny how we appreciate the little things in life once we don't have them anymore. I REALLY APPRECIATE BREAD!!! HAHA! I may even have walked though the store if I had to in order to get that bread!
At my place of employment, I'm the boss. There are only me and my assistant in my office. She takes full advantage of the fact that I'm a control freak and someone who would rather do it myself than let someone else screw it up. She's readily available when I do decide to pass some work off on her. But she talks NON STOP the entire day, while I'm busy trying to work. Drives me insane! SHUT UP!!! I guess I'll just have to start finding more work for her to do (all part of the new me and letting others carry that load) to keep her busy. She's very quiet when I give her work to do. Guess I'm going to have to take control of that situation and make some changes too.
Lord have mercy! This is exhausting! This self-evaluation thing is so much work! I can find my need for change in every single relationship I have. It's scary to look at myself and the world with those rose colored glasses removed. ughhh....
Btw, I didn't mention in my last reply that I am very impressed that you're able to do someone else's thesis work! That's a big job! Is she studying to do the same thing that you or your partner do? Because if not, that has to make you both pretty smart! I would never venture to write a thesis for someone else regarding something I hadn't already done myself. That essentially means you needed to learn her field of study in order to complete her thesis. That's genius material right there! If that's how you did it, I say you can and will do great things in your life! If you dream it, you can achieve it that's for sure! Kudos to you!
As far as that headache and sweats, I don't know about there, but here the allergens have been TERRIBLE this summer. I have never sneezed so much in my life! I hope you're feeling better. Migraine headaches are the worst!
Happy Friday Blue. I hope you have the best weekend ever!
This is so weird! You are speaking of your Friday night in past tense and at the moment it is 10pm Friday night here. How far off is our time zone?! Now I feel like we're from different universes! lol
I spent today with my nephews. They are 5 and 7. They are my reminder that life is not always so serious! I get to see the world through their eyes when we're together and I LOVE IT! We visited a petting zoo. Mostly deer, but there were also goats, emus, and a donkey. Oh and I can't forget the peacocks! Beautiful, graceful, snobby peacocks. We fed them. The deer and goats walk along freely with you as you go. We were bombarded by deer! Many of them were taller than my youngest nephew. It was so funny to watch him try to hold his bag of food up high enough to keep them from just taking the whole thing. At one point he gave up and just sat it on the ground and walked away. I almost died I laughed so hard! Those are the moments that make life worth living!
One of the most important lessons I've learned in life is that it's important to make memories with those you love. When we leave them forever, that's all that they have to hold onto. My mom passed away at 53. That's so young! I felt so robbed. Lung cancer btw. So it was an ugly end. For me, the memories we made are how she lives on in me now. I still feel very shorted, but it's not in my control. I think I've already told you how I feel about not being in control! lol
I enjoy when you wander off into your thoughts and tell me stories. They're always a good read!
As far as the how to get the control freak stuff in order...yeah, I'm not the person to ask. I hate to over extend my arm patting myself on the back, but I take much pride in doing things well. Why on Earth would I invite someone to halfa** it if I can just knock it out and know it's right on my own?! I say if you know you've got it - Rock it!
Pasta....Oh delicious, sauce covered, buttered, cheesy pasta. Oh how I love pasta!!! I have been unsuccessful in removing that from my diet. I have however, switched to whole grain (had to do some adjusting there for sure). But not having it - not an option!
You should probably go get some bread! haha! Since you've procrastinated so long, you can get sourdough!! Silver Lining 🙂
Engineer huh?! My oldest son was going to be an engineer (finances didn't allow for that much schooling). So I know you're smart! He's brilliant! Of course, he may also have been a great lawyer or politician. Because he has an amazing gift for bs! He could argue his way out of anything! And he can take something that I know to be 100% true and make me doubt myself with his gift of bs! lol Truly amazing!
I think maybe your sharing more than you would have in the past is an indication that you are finding the support that you need on this forum. I think you may also be feeling the benefits of paying it forward too. It really does fuel the soul to take a tragedy or a mistake and turn it into an opportunity to offer the next person a hand up from where you've been. That whole 12 step thing really does have some power in it. I see more and more how powerful the transformation is in people who battle addiction to get into recovery, and then help to lift their brothers and sisters when they reach for help. It really is a beautiful thing to watch!
Last, but certainly not least - HIP HIP HURRAY!!!! HIP HIP HURRAY!!! CONGRATS ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY!!! BE PROUD!!! SHOUT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!!! Even though I missed it, I will celebrate you today! How many years did you say?!!! It's a profound amount isn't it?!!! I'd scroll up and find it, but we both type so much it could take me until your next anniversary to find it. lol.
Well, back to the nephews. They are spending the night and the movie is over. Time to entertain. Who's up for candy and junkfood at 10:30pm?!!! ME!!!!
Enjoy what's left of your weekend Blue. I'm guessing it's still Saturday for you. I bet your universe is so much cooler than mine!!
Live and learn right?! I went to the in-laws baby shower yesterday. It was outdoors. Gorgeously decorated, lots of food, tons of people, games, laughter, and then me - stuck in my lawn chair in the shade from the dreadful heat and sweating. Sick as a dog!!! That junkfood just stuck to my bones and had me feeling 3 times larger than I already am. I was bloated and miserable!!! Curse those overnights when I act and eat like a kid at a birthday party!!! I sure hope my nephews weren't feeling the same way! lol Poor fellas. And he has a family reunion today that's in the middle of the HOT day. yaaaAYYY.... (not working to pretend to be excited at all)
I'm amazed! No plan, no 12 steps, no groups? Just determination?! Wow! Go you! I wish I could lose weight like that...I feel like most days I'm working to see just how far I can push it without gaining any weight. But the truth is, I need to LOSE, not maintain. I'm always searching for the easy road. Truth is, there isn't one. But my brain just won't cooperate with my stomach and stop me from picking the bad food, or too much of it. That's how I've always connected with my sister or my fiance's addiction. I believe food is clearly mine.
So you say there isn't alot of gambling in your face where you live. Do they have lottery in the stores? We have gambling opportunities EVERYWHERE you look. The government makes a lot of money off of lottery, casinos, and horse tracks, so they throw that poison on every corner here. It's pretty disgusting to me. They know it ruins families, leads to addictions that have people homeless and even committing suicide. But as long as the profits are high, it's worth it to them to peddle that **** on my streets. All while forming task forces to break in and arrest drug dealers for doing the EXACT same thing on our streets. (not saying the drug dealers don't need to be jailed - because I believe they should be under the jail!) But the difference for them (govt), THEY GET RICH, even at a local level. So it's ok. -stepping down from my soap box now-
So he asked me last night, Are you distancing yourself from me? Do you still love me? Are you still happy to be my fiance?
My answer was simple. You asked me to work on me. You asked me to figure out how to make me happy. I am distancing myself from your disease. I no longer want any part of your sickness. I realize I am sick and need to work on healing me. You can't expect me to heal and find happiness and continue to enable you and be all of those things that you looked to me for before. It doesn't work that way. I love you and I want to be your fiance. But happy to be, not really. The more awake I become, the more I realize how little you've done in this process to help yourself. That's not a good thing. That doesn't make me happy. That doesn't lead us to anywhere good in this process. - end of conversation. I don't want to argue -
He swears he's making strides.... yet he has admitted that he has spent half of the little bit of savings he had started 3 weeks ago, and hasn't added anything (just took half out) and his cc is back up to where it was when I helped him clear it - just before I started this working on me thing. I asked him "What strides? Give me an example?" He replied "I haven't gambled since Thursday". (it was Saturday when he told me this) I simply stated that him not gambling for 2 days is not strides. I agreed that he has to start somewhere, but we're not going to be calling abstaining for 2 days "STRIDES".
Here's a question for you - When do I believe that he's actually making real change? Is it after the 1st day of abstaining or the 100th? What in him or his behavior will indicate to me that he is actually fighting and not manipulating me? Clearly my own understanding of him is flawed or I wouldn't be battling with codependence issues now. Any suggestions or tips for me?
Wow! English isn't your first language?! You write like an author! See, you are one smart cookie! I knew it! I would love to be bilingual. I want to learn sign language and spanish. I've always wanted to. I just never make time for me in anything. Guess that's something I get to work on now. Did you learn English as a 2nd language in grade school or on your own? I never picked up any languages in high school. I was too busy smoking pot, drinking, skipping school, and being the rebel child. Lord have mercy! Oh to rewind and do that over again - and I was pretty darn smart too! I screwed that up good. Stupid teenagers... I could have gone to college and became anything I wanted. Well, if Mom would have had the money. Then again, I was smart enough that I could have probably gotten scholarships to where I wanted to go, had I applied myself. Oh well, that ship has sailed!
You get college educations almost free there?! Wow! That's genius! Why is it so hard for my government to get with it and realize that our children deserve the same?! Oh that's right - because they won't give up those tax dollars to our children...pfft! I won't get started on that racket. What about healthcare? Is your healthcare expensive? Ours is so bad that I have to feel like I'm on the verge of death before I will see my doctor! It's horrible! And I pay a HUGE portion of the premium for junk coverage.
Well, the baked beans timer just beeped on the oven. Time to go pull those out and start getting dolled up. I wonder if I can put enough make-up on to look excited to be there? Probably not. I have this problem with my face. If it's in my head - it's written all over my face! I can't hide my truths for anything! So sunglasses it is! lol I'll just wear the biggest pair I own and hide behind them for a few hours, until the agony ends. ughh....the price we pay to be good in-laws....
Happy Sunday. Be blessed!
Totally failed with the sunglasses! I didn't have enough care to even try to sound enthusiastic about being there. I think it was pretty clear that it was hot, and I was NOT in the mood! I found a quiet table, enjoyed my lunch (way to much and way to heavy for that heat) and then through the ole eye j**k to the fiance that I was ready to excuse myself and go home! Luckily he was glossy with sweat and seemed to be waiting for me to throw the let's go sign! 🙂
Thanks for the feedback on the situation with him btw. I'm glad to know I'm handling it the way I should, or as close as I can at this point. It's strange realizing that it's ok to be shut off from any aspect of him. I have always made it my responsiblility to be his everything - always. I had to know everything about everything. I had to support everything about everything. I had to fight about everything too! I would get so frustrated with him for not doing what I knew was the answer and helping himself that I would feel so let down by him! It was a horrible feeling. I realize now that I was expecting way too much from him. Not because he isn't capable of doing those things, but because I expect everyone to think and feel and be as determined as me about stuff. Especially my life partner. What a real let down it is to realize that not even the man who professes to love me is willing to sacrifice everything for me, as I was for him. The key word in that sentence being WAS. No more!
Today, I am focused on me 🙂 Today, I am learning me 🙂 Today, I trust that I am worth it 🙂 Today, I am prepared to walk if it all falls apart 🙂 Today, I am reminded that I am in charge of only me!
I honestly don't think you'll ever know just how big of a part you've played in all of this! You stumbled onto my post just in the nick of time! Thank you a thousand times Blue!
Wow! You could have fooled me with your writing that you struggle at all with English! And does that mean you speak 4 different languages, 2 fluently?!!! What is your native language? Sorry I suck at the whole demographics thing. I have no idea what the languages are, I just know I LOVE the accents!!! They are the BEST! I bet we sound like bumbling idiots to you huh?!!! Your english is superb! Well, your written english is anyway! lol There you go again - downing yourself immediately after telling me you speak all of those languages. Believe it or not - that makes you a pretty intelligent human being! Oh, just accept a compliment and be over it! lol
Time for dinner. I haven't eaten since yesterday at 6:45pm, so my fast is officially back on and it's time for my dinner (1 meal a day). I'm actually happy to be back to intermittent fasting. My body feels so much better without the weigh down of all of that food from the weekends. It's crazy how much I've learned about my eating habits simply by stopping eating for 23 hours a day. It was all consuming! Now I know I can't eat until after 6:30pm, so I'm actually more productive. No worries to rush home and cook. I've got time to waste. What to do today....lol
Today I'm having an enchilada stack. It's kind of like a lasagna, except with chicken, sour cream, tomatoes, peppers, and onions layered in corn tortillas YUM!!!
You too have a great week Blue! And please, pat yourself on the back occassionally! It's good for ya! 🙂
o*g Blue...You HAVE to start a diary!
I’m deffo with HT (sorry for crashing your diary) on the “how is English not your 1st language” front?!? I guess I may have just answered my own question as I look back @ my spelling of the word first & my over punctuating (I just love a good exclamation mark or 7) - girl hitting herself in the head emoji.
I’m drawn to this thread like a moth to the flame...So much recovery, so little faith in yourselves 🙁
I’m a fizzy drink & Galaxy Ripple (not that’s there’s much chance either of you know what on Earth one of those is) kinda gal myself & as for only eating once a day :-0 I’m sorry to hear you have both had fluffy battles & hope that as you both continue working on yourselves, you will find this becomes an issue that stops having the same level of control over you. I too fought the Candy Crush demon & happy to say, feels like I’m winning.
Thank you both for the comfort I have found again here in the last few days...I look forward to spying on you both soon 🙂
ODAAT,
You don't have to spy! You're welcome to join the conversation and I'm glad you did! I too love exclamation marks!!! And over punctuating.
Isn't Blue the absolutel best! I have enjoyed our conversations and the support tremendously! One day I will convince Blue that he/she is worth it and actually get a "yeah, thanks, I know I am" out of them. (I'm just now realizing that in all of our conversations I have never learned the pronoun of choice for Blue. Doesn't matter either way to me, just when I start to type about them that I find myself wondering. lol he/she, they/the doesn't matter to me. Blue Rocks!!! (overuse again I know lol)
How about you ODAAT? Care to share a little about yourself or do you prefer to just read and not? Doesn't matter to me, I support your decision either way. I don't mind sharing. I know I've enjoyed reading on others pages. I've found a huge amount of knowledge and familiarity in these webpages. The scariest part for me was how similar EVERYONE'S story is.
When I began my thread here, I was clueless. All I knew was that I was sick (codependant) and needed to figure out how much of my world was "my own unique issues" or "the common thread". Guess what - most EVERYTHING was a common thread. Blue helped me to see much of that, along with reading other forum posts and threads. When Blue started sharing their life with me, I realized that I was not alone in my struggles and that what I thought was an isolated incident was actually common and popular addict behavior. I've been blessed to take this short journey with Blue and healing has started! It's wonderful!
Welcome to the thread! Please feel free to hang out a while if you like!
BLUE,
German?! Wow! My oldest son (you know, the one who's brilliant like you) took German. He never really learned to speak it very well, since there aren't many german speaking people in our podunk (translation slang term for poor, small, underdeveloped, rural) town. You're welcome 😉 haha! German is a very difficult language, according to my son. But it fired him up to learn all that he could about the German culture. His bucket list includes a trip to Germany for an extended vacation (a month or 2) to explore the culture and the country. It really is a small world isn't it!
My bucket list includes Ireland <3 Just from what I've seen on TV, it is a beautiful country that I'm sure I would fall in love with. Someday. Heck, I don't even have a passport. I should probably start there huh?! haha! It wasn't until after my mom passed that I decided it was time to start living while I'm alive. Life is so short! When my mom passed at 53, I decided that from now on, if I want to do it - I'm going to! No time for "someday". The time is now. Well...as long as the bank account agrees. Unfortunately, that **** thing keeps me grounded most of the time. But I'm always exploring new adventures and saving for them. Hawaii and Jamaica are both my list, and finally Paris. I'm sure the list will refill again after I've started checking those items off, but that'll be a few more dollars saved away. I've already taken care of the economical ones. Those were easy. All of these trips are big chunks of cash! Chunks that just aren't in the budget! lol
Well, he told me yesterday that he is depressed and can't figure out why. I asked him when was the last time he had gambled. He replied that he bought $5 worth of raffle tickets at that family reunion on Sunday, and hadn't gambled since the Thursday before that, or since. I told him that according to what I've read, depression is a real symptom of the addiction and is usually what leads addicts back to the gambling. I explained that from what I've learned, this is the hard part. I told him I was sorry he was depressed but that there was nothing I could do to help it. He has to feel it, fight through it, and figure it out for himself. He then said that since I have distanced myself from his gambling, we don't have much to talk about anymore. I explained to him that I had plenty to talk about. He just never wanted to or could focus on anything other than his obsession with gambling, which caused me to obsess with his obsession with gambling. (sheew! that's alot of obsessing!) I told him I just won't anymore. I enjoy being separate from it. I want to talk about life and real important things. Things that he never found important. Because in his world, EVERYTHING was/is 2nd to his addiction. I wished him well, told him I would pray for him and that I loved him, and then went to bed for the night. No time to sit up and relive your stresses. I have my own. I also have work this morning, so I had to rest for ME! Is that cold? Too much? Not enough?
It felt right. I felt like I needed to acknowledge that he's sad and I was sorry he was sad, inform him of what I have learned to be true, and let him process it on his own.
Oh no! It's getting late. Here I am typing a book again! I better get to work! Have a great day Blue! Hey, btw does this mean we're "trending" ?! lol
ODAAT & Blue it has been a pleasure reading and responding this morning (a.m. here anyway). Thanks for the smiles and giggles to start my day! They really do make a difference!
Be blessed!
Busy looking busy. Haha! That's could be a new profession! My son walked in to visit as I was reading your reply Blue, and he asked me 4 times what on Earth I was reading. I kept laughing out loud as I read. You are so funny! So did she go get that drink? Did it help? Nevermind that, I'm glad you survived it!
Well, bad news. He texted me that he gambled on his way to work and lost (with a sad face emoji). I didn't even respond. Is it me, or is he trying to pull me back into those codependant behaviors?! I feel like he's trying to get me wrapped back up in him and his problem so he has someone to be mad at for b****ing at him for gambling. I think I may have been his excuse for his wreckless behaviors on more than one occassion! That makes me angry! How dare you be so selfish that you try to pull me down from where I've worked so hard to get, only to use me as your personal excuse to screw up. NOPE! NOT HAPPENING! Have fun with that mister. I'm not interested. I didn't even reply to the text. I won't concern myself with it. I'm sure when he calls me on his break to check in, he will bring it up. I'm going to stop him in mid sentence on that too! NOPE! NOT HAPPENING!
It's all so frustrating. But I'm not giving that any power today either. I will brush it off and move on with my day.
Oh Blue, I'm so sorry I confuse you. I've never been a very grammatically correct person to read. I just type as I think. I don't mean to make it difficult for you. I'm sorry. I must say - you could have fooled me with the replies. You are so comical! I have a difficult time realizing that you ever struggle to understand or communicate with me. You do a great job of pretending! lol
I agree, I don't know what we could possibly be sharing that's so entertaining. I think we talk about the most ordinary stuff. I'm glad we are though. And yes, of course I counter spied on ODAAT! I was on her diaries before I ever left for work today. I love the read! She's got lots to share. I don't know if I would be big on the diary part, but I do love having the feedback of my thread and the funny, delightful, entertaining friend, Blue, who is always sure to reply and uplift me for the day!
I only hope that in some small way, I am reciprocating what you've given me. I hope that I have helped in even the smallest of ways to mutually support you Blue.
I'm quite curious to read ODAAT's intro. I hope she replies. I've read alot of her diary, but I'm more interested in who she is today, and what her life is today.
Gonna go cook. It's only an hour and a half until I get to enjoy cheese torellini in tomato sauce with beef and cheese, baked into a delicious casserole. (here I go again with the "what I'm having for dinner" post....)
Have a great evening! Get off the couch and go enjoy yourself with your partner! Life is short, remember!
Oh, I’m a sharer for sure, some might even say oversharer...For dinner (I say dinner because that’s what seemed appropriate but it was 9 P.m. & apart from a few prawn crackers on the train is all I’d eaten since I got up @ 5 P.m. so it probably should have been called breakfast) I had a packet of mackerel fillets & a cheese & broccoli Pasta n Sauce (which for you out of towners is basically little bits of cardboard & powder that you mix with milk & water & heat up until they resemble pasta)! Not exactly health food & I’m not quite sure how they cleared it with trade descriptions to use brocolli in the title but it makes me feel like @ least I thought about one of my five a day.
Oh HT, it’s not you that’s confusing it’s me...Blue, if it helps, most of what I write is utter nonsense but really really funny 😉 No diary...Have you seen Mrs D :-0 I have no idea where that starts but it deffo wasn’t in the hospital ward where my mother lay tired & exhausted praying that I wouldn’t be ginger when the midwife congratulated her on her beautiful auburn baby! Not only are most of my most intimate shares scattered throughout other people’s diaries (or just banished to cyber space because the authors didn’t want them anymore) because at the start I thought I should answer peoples questions on their threads but it’s seriously crazy! I mean even the stuff I’ve written makes very little sense...Who in their right mind abbreviates like that & what is it with all the punctuation 😉
I think the bulk of the problem when people come to England is not those of you who speak it as a 2nd language but us clowns who don’t even know what a verb is let alone how to conjugate one! Add all our accents into the mix (half the time we can’t understand the person who was bought up on a different estate let alone another County) & you really are fighting a losing battle. I’m getting travel sick just listening to you both & whilst I do have a passport & nothing against planes, I’m not very good sitter so I prefer the creature comforts of the UK despite not always being able to understand the lingo.
When I first started to come clean with my gambling I deffo used my now husband as an excuse for my losing...It was nothing personal against him, just rather nice to have a scapegoat. I’m struggling a bit to see what’s in this relationship for you @ the minute but then again, judgemental is one of my middle names. You must try to keep putting yourself 1st & absolutely, if he wants to talk about his problem, I’m sure there’s a GA meeting he can get to.
Sounds like you’ve already topped up on my kind of crazy so will partly know by now why I’m here...The rest of it probably the, sometimes brutal, honesty from both of you & the willingness to work @ your recoveries helped in no small part by my small obsession with mouth watering delicacies.
ODAAT,
lol cardboard with powder huh? Sounds like Kraft Macaroni & Cheese from here. The "old" kind. Now they have the packets of "creamy" cheese sauce to pour into the pasta after it cooks. I'm sure there's some real carcinogens in it or some type of scientific development. But it's delicious, none the less! I've made my share of homemade cheese sauce, and I've never been able to copy the mystery sauce in the prepackaged macaroni and cheese. haha! Btw Those cheese tortellini turned out AMAZING! Definitely keeping that recipe!
Thanks for the feedback. If I'm being honest I'm working out that whole what's in it for me thing too. I can say he is kind, gentle, loves my kids and family, thoughtful (when he stops obsessing over CG), and he's pretty much my best friend. The list used to be much longer, but with this whole new self-appreciation, focus on myself, and taking off of the rose colored glasses I'm seeing some truths that are hard to swallow. Many of his manipulations were, in my rosey eyes, his love for me or his romantic side. He's said and done a lot of things to prepare me for, or to make up for his stupid CG mistakes or to hide them from me. He's one of those people who believe that not telling me what happened, or only telling me part of what happened isn't the same as lying to me. I on the other hand HATE a liar! The worst characters in a person are lying, cheating, and stealing. He has never taken anything from me (well, I guess wasting it before we can benefit from it or share it is taking isn't it, but that's not the same I don't think, as stealing). I believe he's been faithful. (but I also feel like gambling is the mistress) so that there's a lot to be sorted out.
I do believe he's worth it. I do believe he can be amazing. But I also believe that I'm worth it, regardless of what he decides to do for himself. That's the journey I'm on now.
We have those language barriers here too. From one city to the next there are different dialects. For the most part though, if you speak English, someone understands it. They may laugh at you from afar after having a conversation with you, for the way you say things or your mystery accent, but it's understandable. I'm just thankful that you are able to understand me! And I, you!
I'm definitely at a disadvantage as far as reaching across the world to touch other people. I couldn't communicate with another soul that didn't speak English. I feel so uneducated when I talk with people from other countries and realize how many other countries have a majority of their people who speak at a minimum 2 languages. Here I am, lucky I know my native tongue. It really is a gift!
Have a good day!
Blue!!!
He came to me yesterday and said that he is going to call the local treatment agency!!! He said that he realizes it's worse than he was trying to convince himself it was! (manipulation? maybe.) I'm praying he is having the break that he needs to face it and fight it.
I'm not putting any more energy into it though. I had to shout it to you though! (shhh...don't tell anyone I got riled up) Maybe, him seeing me working on me and my eagle eye not focused on his every move is finally changing his view of himself. Maybe he is realizing, as he attempts to NOT gamble, that he really is powerless.
I'm not getting too worked up as I also know it's near the end of the week and payday is midnight tonight. Once the money flows in, we will see the reality of it. Many times he has admitted defeat, until he gets paid and finds himself on a winning streak. Then it's I'M FINE! DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME!
It's so sad that he has manipulated me for so long that I can't even allow myself to be to excited about his good intentions anymore. They really are only words. I can't help but have a little hope still in there though. I won't be holding my breath though. Nope. I do hope change finds its way into his world though. He' in need, that's for sure!
I hope you're having a great day Blue! I'm off to work now! 🙂
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