How do I find my own happiness, while he's busy self destructing?

Yup that’s exactly the packet - Kraft and (check me out using the actual word) mouldy socks...I have absolutely no idea why I added mackerel to the mix but hey, tuna bake is a delicacy where I’m from so I guess it’s just a new take on that. I don’t think it will catch on!

I know that admission of being beat all too well, I experienced it practically every day for many years. Went home after every gambling session swearing to myself “no more” & meaning it until the next opportunity to gamble presented itself. Words mean nothing from an active gambler, if he was going to call the local treatment centre, he should have called it, not just dangled the carrot in front of you! It’s actions that you need to see from an addict because all good intentions are just hot air! I don’t know what’s in my diary let alone how much of it you have put yourself through but my good actions, the ironing (can’t think of many more off of the top of my head) whilst I was still gambling wasn’t a manipulation, it was part of my act that I was a normal person. Part truths are lies & even now I’m in DENIAL (don’t even notice I am lying) because I did it for so long it became second nature...Now it’s little white ones to myself not the big fat whoppers I used to tell anyone & everyone I needed to manipulate. There’s a reason I refer to my addiction as Mr Gamble...I spent years in his arms forsaking all others! I too could be a similar lovely to the amazing Blue but having a far higher opinion of myself, I am amazing, I always have been but when I was in action I had no room in my life for anything other than gambling & work.

I’m not particularly well travelled but I speak very basic French & can comfortably order dos cervesas por favor - which actually isn’t much use as I don’t drink beer but other than that it’s hi, bye & thank-you. We went to Mexico last year and I was full of learning Spanish so I downloaded the Duolingo app and went at it like I attacked GamCare when I first arrived. It quickly got a bit too difficult and so I bought loads of books and CD’s to do it properly but haven’t read or listened to one of them after getting lost at the first mention of imperfect tense 🙁 If I’d given languages even half the attention I gave gambling I’d probably be able to speak them all by now accents or otherwise. Talking of which, I love most accents & am kept entertained by my husband who is from the North of the Country & has no idea how to speak either the Queen’s English nor the council house (have absolutely no idea what this translates to in America or Germany but if you ask Dr Google what CHAV means you’ll get an idea of where I’m coming from) version of it that I screech out.

As you may have realised, I stopped worrying about how sick I got or what people might think about what I’ve written...I write because it is cathartic & you must do what you feel most comfortable with & if that means no diaries then that’s fine by me.

And it comes as no surprise to me that you have “not in my remit” in Germany...Us Brits always joke about you guys being sticklers for the rules! It’s widely used by people I work with to aid their quest to do nothing all day as well as mask incompetence so I feel really your pain...AND I speak the same language!

Hope you both had a calm day/evening, wherever we’re at...I’m 2 hours away from finishing my night shift then it’s Home sweet Home for 5 glorious days of doing nothing 🙂

So nice to read from both of you this morning. Thanks for the reinforcement! He got paid last night and took 20 minutes to go get gas (petrol) and cigarettes at the station that is literally 7 blocks away. When I asked what took so long, he replied come c**P about having a coupon so he bought his cigarettes and then stepped out of line and then got back into line after 3 people to purchase his fuel. I called BS! Who does that?! You are at the station to make a purchase. Who would be at the clerk and only purchase 1 item, then return to the end of the line to buy your next item. That's ludacris! I couldn't believe he expected me to believe that. That kind of lies effects my trust extremely!!!

I don't know what my move is now. Just know that I need to stay focused. I'm allowing him to get me fired up over the bs he keeps trying to feed me. I'm sitting here fuming mad because he just told me that I owe him an apology for being so untrusting of what he said about that trip to the gas station. Well, I had to lay it out there, and GIVE HIM NO CHOICE but to insert the actual reason he took so long, which, as I suspected was that he was gambling at the gas station. He thinks that telling me some of the things in detail BUT not telling me the whole story is telling the truth. He even said that "what I just told you was 100% true!" to which I said, NO HUMAN BEING ON THIS EARTH WOULD COMPLETE THAT TRANSACTION THE WAY YOU DID! I COULD UNDERSTAND YOUR 2ND TRIP TO THE WINDOW IF YOU WERE GAMBLING. WERE YOU GAMBLING?! To which he replied yes. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT TO TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH WHEN YOU TELL IT?!!! (not you guys, I mean him when I say YOU) So now, here I sit, fuming mad. I hate lying!!! **** man, he knows that!

I'm not going to be very positive this morning. So I think I will just make this reply short and sweet. Thanks Blue and ODAAT. I appreciate your replies and hope you have a great Friday! ODAAT - enjoy your time off! I'm jealous!!! Blue - tell that woman to take her rump off of your desk! How rude! lol You must be a very patient listening (or just the whole you really don't talk a lot thing) for her to just feel like she can plop onto your desk and dump her dirty laundry there. lol.

Wait! Is that what I'm doing?! Good thing it's on a computer screen! My rump may very well break your desk! hahaha!

Be blessed both of you!

Hi he's trying. The technique we learn is not to ask. You know. If you ask they lie, if they don't lie you still don't believe what they say. Also if you ask, you say I don't believe your lie, they then use the argument or interrogation as an excuse to gamble. To let go, you don't ask.

Thanks MGR. You're right. If I'm being 100% honest, I probably wasn't as concerned with how long he was gone as much as WHY he was gone. I had just managed to twist it in my brain to feel like I wasnt questioning the gambling.

Blue, I too have accused him of cheating. Now I'm wondering how many times he has turned it into a "win" for him that I had accused him of something he hadn't actually done, instead of the "cheating" that he was doing with his real mistress, gambling. That's a deep thought. Wow! You never cease to amaze me with the clarity you bring in your confessions to me! I'm just simply never going to be able to sugar coat any of my misonceptions about CG with you. You've already been there and done that. You see it all crystal clear. Thank you for unblurring my vision, yet again!

Flooded the bedroom?! That sounds disastrous! I think I would die if my bed got ruined! That is my little slice of Heaven on Earth! You spoke of insurance, so I'm assuming it was pretty bad, huh? That sucks! Are you in an apartment or house? Ground level? I ask because I guess it could be worse. Your bedroom being on the top floor and the flood could have ruined the 2nd floor. Yours, or worse yet, someone elses apartment. Either way, I hope it wasn't too expensive to clean up.

You know that woman you speak of at work sounds like the boss that I replaced at my employer. She was the director for 13 years. I was her assistant. That woman was the worst! She would do NOTHING! I did all of the work, and she signed her name to it. I even managed her own home accounts and the account of her incompetant brother that she was in charge of by the courts. She was so bad at being able to answer questions regarding the business (because she didn't do ANYTHING) that our business associates would call and ask to speak to me, rather than her. Anyway, when things went well with my grant proposals, reports, or whatever I needed to do that day, she would break her arm to pat HERSELF on the back. But if ANYTHING ever went wrong, she would instantly blame me! She would yell at me and belittle me. She was a wretched woman! The worst part is, I carried her like that for 10 of the 13 years that I worked under her. Finally she got so absentminded and forgetful that I wasn't able to keep up with her screw ups while still running the whole business. So I called an Executive meeting of the board and after an entire year of them trying to give her time to get it together, they met with her and asked her to retire. She promoted me to her position before leaving. I organized her retirement party, and even named one of our gathering spaces after her, as she was one of the founders of my agency. I later learned that she was running into my members in the community and talking really badly about me. But that was only for about 8 months, before her family had her placed into a lock down alzheimers unit. So, my loyalty and willingness to carry the load is across every aspect of my life! And that woman was the worst for taking me for all I had to give! I don't wish alzheimers on anyone. I'm sorry she has it. But karma is a thing we shouldn't mess with! If you put bad karma out into the world, it is sure to find it's way back on you.

I too love Russian accents! Irish and French are beautiful accents as well! That's funny that there's no Rs in the sentence from one translation to another. Yeah, I'd probably never figure out how to speak another language. That sounds far too complicated for me and it's only one sentence! lol Afterall, I'm no genius like you Blue!

I'm glad you get some relief or comfort from writing things down. I know I thoroughly enjoy bouncing around in your head with you while you write. lol You are hillarious! Many times when I read your writings I feel like I am sitting at your job talking with you. Especially when you interupt a perfectly calm, well written paragraph to insert things like, "the receptionist is sitting on my desk asking me to cover for her so she can go get a drink", "these people have lost their minds around here", or "I forgot to go get bread again". That stuff is the best! lol

You have a great spirit! It lifts me everytime I read your posts. That's a gift. If you've only started to use it in my thread, I'm so very pleased to be on the recieving end of it. I very much look forward to your posts. They make my morning coffee taste even better! lol I feel like maybe the collegues at work enjoy the fact that you don't talk much, but when you do it's funny and full of wisdom. Maybe that's why they plop on your desk and dump. They know you don't have alot to say so you'll listen to them ramble on and on. lol Maybe you should start writing your memoir and when they come up to your desk to start, just pass them a couple of pages to read. Problem solved! They get some of your wit and wisdom and you get the peace and quiet while they read! lol

You're right. I let my bad habits catch up with me yesterday. Actually posting about it helped me to see that. And then there's no denying it when you and MGR both addressed it directly. It is really sad how little trust I have in him. I hate that this is how it looks without my rose colored glasses on. He still hasn't called the treatment place, so that's probably another manipulation attempt. What I know is I'm not going to let myself be sucked back in anymore. He was actually pretty successful at reeling me in. I was deinitely a fish on his hook, but only for a day! I've since snapped that line and I'm back out swimming free in the ocean and searching for the happy place I've been looking for. Thanks for the push!

Focus is back on me! 🙂 And I'm not cooking this weekend! I'm going to let the local restaurants do that for me. I think a steak and potatoes is in my weekend plans!

Have a pleasent and dry weekend. I sure hope the mess isn't too difficult to clean up and put back in order. I hate when my regular routine is disturbed (think I already told you that) so that soaking wet bedroom would have been a near stroke event for me.

Maybe that's a good excuse to take your partner and run away to a nice bed & breakfast for the weekend. Escape the insanity of the real world and head to the country for some rest and relaxation!

Be blessed!

Man did I overdo it! We had a great Saturday for the most part. We went to a flea market (it's a giant collection of booths with people selling items cheap, some used items, some new items). It was fun browsing and searching for treasures. Then we had lunch at his sister's job, where the pizza is outstanding! Then off to a local nature preserve that he had never been to for a walk in the shallow river bed, skipping rocks, and enjoying nature. Followed by an hour long journey to a place that was actually only 7 minutes away from the nature preserve (stupid GPS) to a local haunt. It's the remnants of an old orphanage from the 1800s that burned down. Many of the kids that were living there were said to have been severely abused before it burned down. Legend has it that if you go there at night you can hear the ghost of the kids screaming (I WILL NOT BE VISITING AT NIGHT THOUGH). That was a cool adventure. We had a blast! Then when we made it home to relax, my unlce (mom's brother) who is also dying of lung cancer, called and asked if we could come by and mow his grass and chop down some weeds. So over there we went. Well, my fiance was busy mowing while I was chopping the GIANT weeds with a super powered chopper thing and trajedy struck! One of the weeds that was taller than me fell and it was a briar bush - it fell directly onto my head and I suddenly had PILES of briars knotted into my long hair, and all over my clothes. Needless to say, I made him hurry and finish mowing and drive me home quickly. I spent the next 2.5 hours standing in the shower crying with a bottle of hair conditioner and a comb, trying deperately to get those briars out of my hair and not end up cutting my hair off. I did manage to get them out. Thank God! I did lose a bit of hair, but just strands here and there and not a full on chop it off to the scalp hair cut. So needless to say, my day ended on a crappy note! What better way to comfort myself than to have a full blown sweets extravaganza?! He went to the store and bought cream filled donuts, M&M cookie ice cream sandwiches, and chocolate milk. And I made a pig of myself. Shameful....I know....

Yesterday was the local fair and our demolition derby is a town tradition (cars wreck each other in a dirt arena for sport). We went to the fair and had a blast, but again ate a bunch of carnival food that is all bad for you!

So today, I'm 5 pounds heavier on the scale from the weekend. Thank God for the weekday fasting. Hopefully I can undo the damage in the next few days. It was fun while it lasted, but the aftermath is always painful! (says every addict ever) I told you food is my cryptonite!

I'm so glad everything went back together well in the bedroom! I think I would have surely had a stroke! So from what I've read and understand the windows that were opened were literally allowing it to rain (storm) directly into your bedroom?!!! Oh I surely would have had a stroke!

Your other sister in law sounds like she needs to find another profession! That's a real problem here too. I don't know if it's that the people that take the job really have no business doing it or if they become so burned out by watching people continuously fail their children, that they just don't care anymore. We have a lot of kids in our foster system, due to the drug epidemic that is rocking our nation. It's so sad to see so many kids effected by it. As a professional in the mental health field, that's one of our biggest concerns, the youth. The damage that's being done to those kids will have the cycle repeating itself or will create some really messed up teens and adults if we don't start now to help them when they are young. So sad!

Many of the police officers, nurses, and first responders here are numb to addiction now. They see the same people overdosing time and time again. They come running to the rescue and literally save a life, for that same person to run right back out and use again. I know how frustrating it is, especially since I have a sister who is a drug addict. But there are also people in long term recovery who died 5 times and were revived 5 times before finding recovery and dedicating their lives to making a positive change in the world. It's not easy to watch someone do that to themselves, I agree. But giving up on them, or not even trying for them because people are so busy judging them isn't ok. I believe in recovery. I've seen how awesome it can be. It's scary to know that the very people that we would expect to understand and advocate for it (those who actually work in the field) are some of the most judgemental people who actually don't care at all. But that's a reality that spans the world. (I wonder how to make a thumbs down symbol on my keyboard) lol

Well, I've jabbered on long enough. I have to finish getting ready for work.

Have a great week my friend! My still very annonymous friend. No worries, I still don't have a clue, so I'm sure no one else does either. lol Your secrets safe! Find a reason to smile today! Better yet - look for a reason to actually laugh, like belly laugh! 🙂

Monday must have really gotten to you. sorry 🙁 I hate those days when you're just simply going through the motions and not really feeling much like participating in the world. We all have them. I know I do! I hiope your Tuesday looks much better and is far more cheerful!

Raining inside..NOOOO!!!! Those skylights are the most beautiful things in the world! I do love looking up at the stars through them. But that is the most dreadful thing that I can imagine happening! I guess that's the price you pay for the small pleasures in life. Seems every **** thing that is enjoyable comes with a price! I'm sorry you had to pay that price! I sure hope that you get some amazing views from it. I feel like that will help to soothe the wound a bit better. lol Poor you!

I'm feeling pretty blah today. I have a week off of work coming up at the end of the month and I would love to go away for a long weekend. I've found several options for the escape, but I keep running into the same problem....he doesn't have any money saved for a weekend away. I've managed to save enough money to buy a ticket and run away to just about anywhere and he has little to nothing in the bank and cc debts and loan debts coming from everywhere. It's so frustrating! I don't want to go alone. I mean, there isn't really anything romantic about a weekend by myself! But I also don't want to pay for him. I don't feel like it's fair to have to cover him so that I can have fun. It feels like I'm paying a P********e for his time! lol Last I checked, I wasn't in the market for renting a companion! So I'm feeling a bit put off today!

I lost 3 of those pounds so far. Lord Have Mercy I really do myself in on the weekends! Why do I hurt myself and my progress so bad. Much like him, if I decide to step off of the diet wagon and endulge, I always go WAY overboard! At least the fasting helps to shed it faster than if I weren't! I won't be going to those drastic measures this weekend! That's for sure.

I wish your inlaws weren't pains. I was married for 10 years. His family was the absolute worst human beings I had ever met! Yet for every birthday and holiday I had to be in their faces with the perpetual smile, pretending that they hadn't recently disrespected me or my family like we were trash. For the sake of my marriage (that was c**P) I took their abuse. At the end of my marriage (when he cheated on me and finally gave me what I needed to accept that I was done), when the final order from the courts arrived, I sent a public post (remember Myspace). In that post I said everything that I had been holding inside for 10 years. I was a vile, nasty, evil person in that letter. Wow did it feel good! lol My final farewell.

My fiance's family is wonderful for the most part. Of course they all have their annoying behaviors (we all do) but for the most part they are loving and supportive of me. It's nice to be included and appreciated for once. Don't get me wrong, there's a few stories I could tell you about them too! lol

Well Blue, I'm going to get finished getting ready for work and squeeze in a bit of Candy Crush! I hope you have a better day today. I genuinely do! I'm kind of worried about that smile you had about yourself, not in a positive way... I'm thinking you were thinking of something not so nice. My mom called that a "sh**-eating" grin. Means you're up to something naughty and it's showing on your face.

Find your smile today. You know, the one that's for genuine happiness! If only for a minute, reflect on those things in your life that are good. If we stop in the midst of all of the bad and reflect on our blessings for just a moment, it can help to chase away that gray cloud!

I wish you sunshine today! 🙂

Hurray!!!! It's very nice to meet you (officially) Jana! You just made my day! I really didn't care either way, but I feel like I know you a bit better because of it 🙂 It was also alot easier to understand your story without the thems and theys!

By the way, we have a term for that word you couldn't translate. We say "a**hole". You know, it's that hole in your lower back. lol I wouldn't agree with that name for you anyway! lol

I'm glad you found a blessing in your day! You were my blessing today! I'm grinning from ear to ear to have "officially" met you on my lunch break. I don't eat during the day, so I just come home to let the dog outside and click away at the computer.

He asked me to hold his cc for him today, since he has used it yet again. To which I replied NOPE! He said that it's hard for him to know he's letting me down. To which I replied I'm not let down. I don't believe you will win at this using the approach you're using, so I'm just minding myself while I wait for you to implode, which you will at this pace. End of conversation!

Then I sit at the computer to find this great message from you. Thanks for the smile and the reminder that it's about me first! It does suck that I'll probably not get a long weekend away since I don't really care to go with anyone else. Maybe I'll find something to buy myself. Or maybe I'll let him swipe his cc again and worry about myself being ok and paid for! Why would I worry what he does with his cc?! Not my business right!

Back to work I go. Have a great day Blue! And if you prefer, you can delete that whole post. I'm glad you shared and I respect your privacy.

Have a great day! 🙂

No worries, I have never seen you. So if anyone asks I wouldn't be lying when I say "NOPE! Carry on now, nothing to see here!" lol

My coffee is perfect this morning! Thanks! Hope you enjoyed yours too. I never visit public places for lunch or coffee by myself. I don't like to sit there alone and wonder who is staring at me while I eat or have a drink, but worse than that, I don't want anyone catching me staring at them. I love to people watch! Sometimes to a fault! If I were nosing into someone's conversation and they caught me, I think I would die! I'm way to nosey not to do that, so it's safer just to take someone with me! lol

Work is going to be the WORST today! I have a gathering/open house tomorrow where we put the "faces of recovery" masks that the members and I painted on display before they go into a traveling art show around our state. For me that means that all of the "extra" cleaning needs done. So, in addition to running the business, I have to clean the windows, sweep the spider webs down from outside, and dust the entire offices. Oh the joys of being the director of a non-profit. I really should make a lot more money than I do!

I'm so frustrated today. He has me so angry lately with the realization that I can't go on a long weekend away with him because he has completely ruined his savings and budget! I've tried the whole manage his money thing (not every penny & CCs though) where I held his "saving" money. It always lead to a fight. He'd want it back as soon as he went broke. I'd say no, that's not what you wanted me to hold it for. He'd throw a fit, we'd get into an argument, and I'd give it to him. He'd be good and mad at me by the time I handed it over and would go gamble it "because I accused him of it, so he may as well". It was never good. But he also never said I am DONE gambling. HELP me. It was more like, Will you be the money police and fight me about it because my own conscience won't"? That's exhausting Blue!!!

It makes me mad at myself that for the past 7 1/2 years that we've been together, I have always just picked up the slack and loaned him the money he needed or said not to worry, it's my idea to go away last minute (well with 3 weeks notice) - I'll get it. How have I gone so long just picking up the pieces and putting everything back together as best I could? Why did I allow myself to be that person? Is that why he's with me? Does he love me or does he love that I help him be his worst him? I can't help but to be angry! I can't help but to be sad. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I feel like such a fool. I helped to create that mess! Now I have to suffer right along with him and pray that he gets help. Otherwise, I get to look forward to starting over at 44. Who wants to do that?! Certainly not me! I don't know how to contain my resentment and set it aside. I'm full of it! He kept trying to talk about how he's feeling and what he's thinking about how sick he is and what he's done that isn't working and blah, blah, blah... I just told him - I have heard it all. Who are you trying to convince that you are trying, me or yourself? I'm not convinced that you are doing anything positive about it. In fact, I realize that these conversations are manipulations and "poor me" attempts on your part. I'm really starting to get pi**ed and I don't want to be angry, so I am done talking about this for now. He followed me into the other room and sat down next to me to start with "but, but, but"... to which I replied I AM DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION! I AM GETTING MAD AND I DON'T WANT TO BE MAD! Good night, I love you. (and went to bed)

I don't know what the answer is to all of this frustration, resentment, and anger. I know that there is the Rip the Bandaid off option, where I just put him out and go it alone. But I do love him. I do see the good in him. He does have good qualities that I admire in him. More and more though, it feels like the bad is growing to outweigh the good. In my world, there really isn't room for all of that bad. More because, when you bring bad onto yourself, you bring bad onto your partner in life. I don't deserve that. I try to bring positives and uplifting to our relationship. I'm always working to be a better person and have a better life. Shouldn't he?! pffttt....see, just those 2 words rile me back up! ggrrrrrr.....

I've got to find an escape today! I need to get away from everything! I have a hair appointment after work. Maybe getting some of the gray covered back up and a nice haircut will help me feel better. Actually, probably not. It'll only remind me of how thin my hair has become. (bad reaction to a new medicine and natural aging too - but that's a whole new story I'll tell later)

It's getting late and I've moaned and groaned enough this morning! I hope I don't get on your nerves with my constant complaining. I feel like I dump on you too much. You've taken it like a champ thus far. lol Please tell me if I am whining too much.

Thanks for letting me dump. I've lifted a load off my shoulders and it'll be a little lighter to carry through my day now. Thanks for backing your dumptruck up to catch it all for me. lol

Have a good day Blue! Be blessed!

You never fail to make me laugh! I'm sure your hair isn't as bad as you describe it. My mother had naturally curly hair. It was very thick and kinky. I loved her hair! Maybe if mine were puffy like you describe yours it wouldn't look like I'm a balding middle aged man! haha!

Flat shopping against your wishes...that sounds fun... haha! Maybe he found the perfect one! Maybe it'll be the place of your dreams! That half an hour of travel doesn't sound fun. I'm assuming that means your commute to work will be that long. That stinks! The tube? Is that an underground train system? We call that a subway. Ha! Nevermind. I googled it! I always forget that I have all of those answers at my fingertips.

Work was a lot of work today! I wish I had the luxury of deligating to others. Unfortunatley, in my line of work there isn't anyone to pass the job over to. My assistant only works 10 hours per week. She is also a member of my agency, so when we have big gatherings, she participates as a member more than as an employee. She helps out here and there, but I pretty much do all of the work. My clients don't really volunteer to do too much of anything, except sit and watch me work and then run to line up when it's time to partake of whatever I am offering them. It's not fair, but it is what I have always done. I am rewarded by the difference I make in their lives, so the work is worth the payoff.

I loved my hair! My hairdresser actually does her business from her home. I didn't have any chatty old ladies to contend with. Just me and her. She's great! We talked and complained about our partners. It was wonderful! My hair turned out great too! I mean, I'm still suffering with a lot of thinning, but the color is nice and the cut helped to lift my hair a bit, allowing it to P**f a little. That helps to hide the balding part I think.

He had to work over yesterday. I didn't even see him until he stopped by my work for the gathering today. I got to see him for 10 minutes before he left for work. I won't see him again until late this evening, unless they ask him to work over again. I don't really mind that though. I need a break! I don't want to stress about him or with him. I just want to relax and enjoy the evening of rest for my body and mind! Maybe I'll turn on Netflix and find a good series to binge watch! Any suggestions?

Well, I'm off to turn this slow cooked beef roast into beef, bean, rice, and cheese burritos! It's going to be delicious! I love Mexican food! Have a great evening. I hope the flat was gorgeous and you stopped and had a nice dinner while you were out, or at least a couple of drinks at a nice place. That would make the half an hour tube ride a bit more worth it.

Oh and please, don't ever stop sharing! I appreciate your openness. I appreciate your honesty. I appreciate you. Remember, this is mutual support. I am here to listen and support you just like you have been for me. That's what makes this so great!

Thanks for the laughs! Afterall, I have to pick my chin up to laugh right?!!

Pfft! He came home early! I was in the middle of my movie. It was an old one I've seen 10 times in my lifetime, but a good one. The lock begins to turn on the door...and there he is, 3 hours earlier than he was supposed to get off on a normal shift! Oh well. Tonight is my Friday to "work late" too. We are nomally closed on Fridays, which allows me to have 3 day weekends 🙂 But one Friday per month, I take 10 of my clients out bowling for a couple of hours. They enjoy it and it gets me out of the house. I could think of at least 15 other things I'd prefer to be doing though! Oh and I have to work those Fridays when the board of trustees or boards from the other agencies schedule meetings with me. They like to pick Friday, because they don't want to pull me away from running my business and helping my clients. I find it offensive! Now you know they know that I would rather WORK on a WORK DAY than WORK on an OFF DAY! But being me, I refuse to let them see me sweat so I smile and say Ok, fine 🙂

No TV?! I am far too nosey to not have a telly!!! How do you survive?! No meat?! I am far too hungry to not eat meat!!! How do you survive?! I have read that it's probably the healthiest way to eat, but where do you get your protein from? I love a good salad, don't get me wrong. But, for me, a good salad has so much other stuff in it that it probably has more calories than a big greasy cheeseburger and fries! lol Have you always been vegetarian or was that a lifestyle change for you? If so what gave you the motivation to stop? Does that mean you don't eat fish either? How do you survive?! lol

I wish I could have seen her fall into your office! I know it's a terrible character flaw, but (just like my mom) I absolutely die laughing when people trip and fall! It's hard for people to see that I am actually worried that they're ok because I'm so busy trying to contain my laughter! I am concerned though. I just have to laugh at them while I check on them. I recommend that when you get your TV you watch Ridiculousness on MTV. (do you have MTV there?) You may be able to Youtube some clips from the show. I LOVE watching those videos. It's a series of videos of people falling, crashing, and just making stupid choices that end in chaos. I laugh so hard!

I wish I knew geography better, or had traveled to the UK so I had a clue what your culture or way of life is there. Wait! Are you in the UK or Germany or where? See! I don't even know that! lol You said German is your native tongue, so are you from Germany, living elsewhere? Or are you in Germany and I'm clueless? lol Half of the time when I'm sharing with you it hits me that you're not here in the US and my language isn't even your first language. Then I worry that half of the stuff that I'm talking about may not even make sense to you. I hate to think that you have to Google half of my posts! lol I'd rather Google your country and try to learn more about it, so that I have a little more of an understanding of your terms, surroundings, and way of life. That may help me a bit. I feel like everyone knows how the Americans live. We're always on someone's news making an a** out of ourselves....especially now, with our president (I apologize for that representation of us btw lol).

We are an overweight, overbearing, entitled, overly ambitious, medling, busy-body country that creates those same kinds of children. But there are a handful of us here that try to fight against those ideas and aspirations to raise respectable citizens. It's rather embarassing to a large percentage of us (aparently not large enough to keep him out of office though) that the orange guy represents us to the world. He is not a reflection of us! I don't mean to get into politics. Just sharing a little bit of my country with you, but I'm sure you probably know all of this already. I, on the other hand, am at a great disadvantage. I have no idea how other countries of the world are.

What I have learned is that there are good people, with great personalities, and good hearts on every corner of the Earth! Our houses may look different, our languages may be different, but we are much more the same than different in our hearts. Isn't it ironic. I work in the mental health field, surrounded by hundreds of professionals and support groups. Yet, I had to travel to another country to find the support that has given me the strength to make real change in my life. Kudos to you, friend from afar! And Gamcare too of course. I wonder if the creator of this forum ever realized that it would reach across the world and connect people?

I'm sorry you had to waste all of that time on the U-Bahn. I hope the party proved to be enjoyable for you. I also hope you cleaned out that desk. lol I have had a wall of spider webs that are saturated with dead bugs on the back of my house for weeks now. I'm not as motivated as I should be, that's for sure! But I did get the stuff to clean it. It's on the table just waiting for me. Kind of my reminder that I have to get it done before my entire house is buried under spider web. lol There are some fat, nasty, ugly spiders out there to greet me when I come home after dark. We are not friends! I did not invite them to sublet my house! They must be evicted! But first I have to get myself motivated to do it. I freak out when I'm out there cleaning it. I'm dancing around the yard everytime something falls, afraid it's a spider running around on my head or down my shirt! I think you understand my hesitation now.

Well, time to go crush some candies 🙂 Happy Friday Blue!

You actually jumped a red light and didn't burst into a ball of fire! Congratulations! lol So funny! See, you live in a place that is obsessed with rules. I live in a place that is obsessed with chaos. I think if I had to choose one of the two, rules would definitely be my choice! Don't get me wrong, I do love my freedom. I do love my country and I know we are blessed with an abundance of anything and everything at our fingertips. But it seems that along with those freedoms come a lot of immoral behaviors. There are a lot of bad things happening, with bad people, all in the name of freedom. It's the down side to trying to be liberal and allowing everyone to live and let live. There is always someone who takes that liberty to the extreme worst limits and stands upon their freedom as a reason to do so. It really makes me mad. But, I am also the person who believes that we should live and let live. So, as long as you aren't bringing pain and danger to others - I don't care what your life is in your own home. I respect all people and love to learn from all people. Life is a neverending opportunity to learn and grow. When you stop learning, you stop living!

Thanks for the google subjects! Your Chancellor has been re-elected 3 times. (I think that's what I remember from my reading). That's impressive! At least she is educated and wise about politics and foreign relations. Trump is a babbling idiot with absolutely NO knowledge of anything outside of Trump Industries. We live in fear that his big mouth will lead us straight to nuclear war. I pray he doesn't sit in that seat after our next election. But he still has 2 years of God knows what crazy ideas and big mouth insults he will throw at the other countries of the world. My Mom always used to tell me, when things got bad. "This too, shall pass". I guess that's true here too. We just need to weather the Trump storm and wait it out. lol

I seriously can't believe that the last time you had tv was when MTV played only videos! lol I would be lost! How in the world to you entertain yourself? You probably enjoy walks, and yardwork, and housework, and exercising, and all of those other things I have an allergy to! lol I break out in a rash and start itching at the thought of exercise! lol I must avoid it at all costs! 🙂 I bet you've read 100s of books too huh? No wonder you don't have to google much. You're already a wealth of knowledge! Well read, healthy eater, bilingual, don't fill your mind with the rubbish box (tv). Wow! Opposites do attract! I am on the other side of the water eating all bad stuff, can understand maybe 3 foreign words if you say them slowly, watching some of the most ignorant shows on TV, and I haven't read a good book since I read The Complete Collection of Autobiograhies of Maya Angelou's last winter (great read btw! That's a look at some real American history there). I can't find time to read between all of my candy crushing, facebooking, and television watching, oh, and don't forget the fattening meals (with meat) cooking too! lol You inspire me!

Maybe I need to turn that box off too (well it's a little flatter than a box these days lol) Maybe that's why I battle my weight so much! I refuse to move. The truth is, I live about 1.5 miles from home and should also walk to work, but NOPE! I drive. My town is small, so I'm blessed to be able to feel safe driving on my streets. I have big cities both East and West of my town about an hour drive away. They are HORRIBLE! I HATE city traffic! My oldest son is away for work in another state. He's living in a big city there and he loves it. We went to visit him last spring and it was a constant anxiety just to be there! He drives like a maniac on those busy highways. I would buckle up and hold on for dear life the entire time we were out! No thank you! I don't need that extra stress in my life! I'll stick to small town living! lol

A good impression is everything! Leaving the impression that you were busy is a great idea! lol Make sure to mess you hair up a bit and appear overworked and underpaid when she comes back. Then she'll feel extra bad about leaving you to try to manage ALL OF THAT WORK by yourself. Then just sit back and relax as she does all of that work you neglected! lol That's genius!!! I told you you were smart! 😛

Bowling was fun! I enjoy it, but like you, I couldn't bowl a strike to save my life! I just kind of fling the ball and pray it stays on the lane! lol That's the funnest part though, when I accidently bowl a strike, all of my friends cheer like I've won the olympics! hahaha! It's actually way more fun when you've got a pitcher of beer to drink, but when I take my clients out - that's not a good idea! lol Pizza and Soda Pop for them! We still manage to laugh a lot though! And God forbid someone slips and falls on those slippery lanes....because I look like a heartless, evil woman when I can't stop laughing at them as they crawl to their feet! hahaha!

You're hillarious! Running home to avoid a coffee date! lol I literally pictured you hitting send, looking up quickly, checking left and right to make sure the coast was clear and then quickly exiting the area. So funny!!!

Today is the fiance's family gathering for a birthday party. wewww...hoooo.... (not really) I get frustrated when people make plans for gatherings on Saturdays. Saturday is our "date day". It's the time of the week where we shut out the rest of the world and just focus on us. We spend the day connecting with each other and just being in the moment. It's been very important in our relationship. When I have to spend it forcing cheezy smiles at everyone and making small talk, it really makes me mad! I enjoy his family, but can't we enjoy one another on a Tuesday?! lol

Well, I guess I'll go candy crush a bit. I already drank my coffee while typing this book for you to read...lol (sorry for rambling again) Thanks for the google material. I'm so nosey! Btw don't hesitate to tell me if I get too nosey, I tend to ask too many questions because I'm so curious about everything. I really do respect your privacy. Contrary to my gazillion questions on every post. lol I can't wait to read up on your country. Heck, maybe I'll just call my oldest son and let me tell him all about it. He was infatuated with Germany in high school. He couldn't learn enough about it. It's on his list of places he MUST see. I'm sure he can't speak one word of German at this point though. He hasn't been in school for 7 years now. Wow! I'm getting old fast! Where did the time go?!

Haha! I just realized that the caffein must be kicked in from my coffee. I'm typing so fast I can hardly keep up with myself! lol Time to go see how fast I can crush these candies! I hope my computer mouse can keep up! click, click, click, click!!!

Be blessed Blue!

Haha! I definitely remembered the sunglasses! He got all drunk and stumbling. So I left him there. That's his family. They were all sharing in the gallon of liquor that they drank, on top of several beers. I didn't drink. I didn't think it made a lot of sense. This was a 7 year old little girls birthday party. Why are there a bunch of adults getting snot-faced drunk? Needless to say, I was over it before it really even got started. So I'm home at 11pm alone. Honestly, I don't care if he stays there. I'm tired of being his babysitter. I'm tired of having to be the one left caring for the wreckless mess that is left by all of his bad decisions. He is grown. It was supposed to be date night and I was stuck at his family gathering. But worse than that, I was stuck there basically by myself because he was so busy running around chasing the liquor and sneaking away to drink more than I actually saw him drink, because he thinks I'm stupid and nieve. I don't think I need to tell you that I am not a happy person right now!

I'm tired Blue. I'm growing more and more tired every day that he chooses to not do anything to better himself or us. I'm tired of "I'm sorry". I'm tired of hanging on through the messes to hold out for the good days. He's becoming such a burden to me. Much of our relationship is turning into burden. There, I said it. It hurts like hell, but I admit it. He is more of a burden than an asset to my world. Why do I hold on?

Listen to me, just dumping on you. I'm sorry. I'm just so mad! I better go try to relax and go to bed. I don't intend to be awake if he does find a ride home and stumbles in. I am not his babysitter! I hope he just passes out there and stays! I've never felt this way about him. But tonight, or should I say these days, I absolutely do. I'm just tired!

I think it may help for you to just tell him that you need some space sometimes. Maybe just an hour of you time. I can say that from the other side, I have zero trust in my fiance. But I have lived with the addict and know he's a manipulator and a liar. Your partner doesn't really know that about you right? Maybe he knows there's something that you're keeping from him, but just not what it is. Maybe his intuition is telling him. Luckily, it's old news and you're not that person anymore. Thank God! But that privacy or secrecy may still be something he feels from you. Just a thought. I may be way off. But I know I can say that I feel when my fiance isn't being honest or open with me. It's a gut feeling you get when you truly love someone.

I too like to share with you on the good, the bad, and the mundane. I think your life is quite interesting, and your view of life is very funny! You make me laugh at life. That's a good thing!

I think I'll close on that positive thought. I needed that to end my night. Better than going to bed on that sour note I started this post with. I hope you have a pleasant Sunday.

Be blessed!

It makes me so sad for you when you talk so poorly about yourself. I know that self reflection is important for growth, but I don't feel like you ever give yourself any pats for the work you HAVE done. We are all far from perfect in our eneavor for greatness. You acknowledge your shortcomings (a bit more often than you should, I think lol) and knowing them will only help you to change them, at your pace, and when you're ready. I know I harp, but remember - you have some pretty awesome POSITIVES too! Don't forget to acknowledge those too. I'm grateful for you, because you help me to be better. Ok...I'm done. 😉

He did come home. Not only slobbering drunk, but with his 9 year old nephew, who was coming to spend the night. (who releases their child to a slobbering drunk for the night?) I waited patiently today for his nephew to leave and him to rest his hangover off, and then I laid into him. I'm tired. I'M TIRED! I feel like this new exploration of myself and our relationship is a process of weighing pros against cons and deciding which is more. I told him flat out that he is LOSING. He has managed to make himself a burden to me more than an asset. His good no longer outweighs his bad. He has become a load I have to carry around. I AM NOT IN THE MARKET FOR CARRYING ANYONE ELSE'S BS! I am looking for someone to share the load, someone to ease my burdens. I explained to him that, unlike him, once I become tired enough to walk away - it is FOREVER. I have stayed through a lot of hardship, I am not a quitter. But when I do walk, I will be gone for good. I AM TIRED! I called him on the whole "I'm going to work on me" thing, and pointed out that NOTHING has changed with him. I am not going to wait forever for him to wake up. I am 44. As the song goes "don't know how many sunsets I've got left". Life is too short to spend it trying to be happy or trying to tolerate his selfish, thoughtless ways. Did I already tell you I'M TIRED! His excuse was that I wasn't drinking, so he figured he would. Why does it always have to be about altering your mood? Why can't we just have fun sober? Who goes to a 7 year old birthday party and gets wasted? Why would you think that I should be drinking when I drink about twice a year? (that must be the grown up amount of getting drunk, since Blue does it too lol) It's always about me being the responsible, grown, sacrificial lamb. I'm always thrown to the slotter for his own benefit. I'M TIRED!

Speaking of tired, I'm so glad you got a lazy Sunday in. Those are the best! I broke down and rented a cabin near me. I can't let my summer pass by without enjoying some nature time. So, he will end up reaping the benefits of my hard work and savings afterall. I'm going to the cabin next weekend. Thursday (late) - Sunday morning. I need some time to just think and just absorb some fresh air. Maybe read a book! Any suggestions? So, I guess I'm enabling him. Not because I want it for him though, because I want it for me. Or is that my excuse? I really don't have anyone else I'd rather be with than him. I don't want to go by myself. And I'm already tired of losing because he can't get with the program. I don't know.

Why on Earth were you up so late with work looming? 4 hours of sleep would be a good nap for me! lol I couldn't manage on that little of sleep. I'd be a walking zombie! I do hope you manage to keep your eyes opened and focused and pull off the "OH, REALLY?! WOW! THAT'S GREAT!" act. lol I have faith in you! You can do it! I think it's her turn to hold down the office while you run out for a drink isn't it?! 🙂

Remind yourself of some of your positives today, please?! And remember, I think you rock! Flaws and all, you rock!

Be blessed!

That's great! A plastic free day....how could I survive a plastic free day?!!! Is he trying to be more planet friendly or decrease his footprint by being more green? What is the motivation? I think it's cool that he thinks outside of the box like that. I just don't know how I could survive it! My keyboard is plastic! How would I be able to communicate with you?! As I look around, SO MUCH of what surrounds me is plastic! Now I'm freaking out a bit! My footprint must be HUGE! I drink bottled water all day! That's plastic, plastic plastic! Everything is plastic!

And NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! The cabin is glamorous! I don't want to commune with nature that bad! lol I want to go outside and enjoy the walks by the lake, campfire, sunshine, fresh air, wildlife, rafting down the river. But then I want to go into the hottub on the deck, followed by cable television movies, wifi so that I can candy crush and facebook, dinner cooked in a fully stocked, top of the line kitchen, a hot shower with fluffy towels, followed by cuddling up in a king sized bed with big cozy comforters and the air conditioner cranked up! lol Now I'm feeling so wasteful, knowing that in your universe they are attempting to live through the day without plastic waste. I'm a bad Earthling! Forgive me...please? 🙁

And farm fresh food?! That's amazing! You try to eat farm fresh food that you walk to get?! Go you!! You think so much more healthy than I do! You don't even realize it. I am a lazy woman! If I can't drive there, I probably won't go. I have a fit at the store if I can't find a parking space that's close to the door. Oh I feel like such a terrible human! I envy your thinking. I would probably be so much more healthy if I could get into that mindset. Just walking to work would probably do miracles for my health! But I will wake up tomorrow and get into the car 🙁 Lazy Americans....told ya!

I do feel like I'm giving him something he does't deserve. I do think I'm failing by doing the cabin thing. But more than anything, I feel like it's not fair for me to miss the opportunity, so it's definitely for me. It's a bad place to be. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard spot. So I decided to do what makes me happy. Me going, and having him there to hang out with, away from gambling and opportunities sounds like heaven to me. So it's definitely for me. I'm going to give myself a pass for that, since I did think it through and it made me more sad to not go because of him, than to go in spite of him. I am still a work in progress, right?

Haha! His family dropped him and his nephew off. Which means they actually made a conscious choice to help him get himself and his nephew here. He didn't fall asleep. On the contrary - he sat out in the livingroom waiting for his pizza to arrive. So drunk, that his head was bobbing up and down like he was on a boat as he sat there. He kept coming into the bedroom and closing the door loudly, needless to say I was paranoid for his nephew, so I was up and down peeking out to check on him. Seeing my fiance out there that drunk with his nephew sleeping next to him on the couch just made me sick to my stomach. That poor kid. What kind of an example are you making for your nephew? Why would you want him to see you like that? Idiot!

It's like 9:20pm now, so I think I'll go check my facebook and crush some candies before bed. I hope you had a wonderful meal! I also hope it wasn't too far away. I must know how you did with the plastic free day, besides the couple of mess-ups before you were aware it was a plastic free day (I say those don't count against you, so you're still in the clear with me).

I'll check back in the morning with my coffee. I hope you have a productive Tuesday. I know I will. The week before vacation is always a busy one for me. I have to do work for the week ahead so that I won't be behind when I return. Oh well, it'll be worth it to have the time off and it makes the days fly by!

Be blessed!

You did miss my morning coffee, but it was worth the wait for this mornings read with my coffee. You always make me laugh so much! I love that you're so sarcastic about your partner. I can't believe I didn't pick up on that more and realize you were mocking him. I should have known..lol That's funny, my fiance also told me about this mysterious island of plastic in the ocean too! Something about it's where all of the tides push the rubbish and it all gathers in a miles long (I think he said it was miles) island of plastic! That is crazy! I get the need to try to live without it.

You're such a good person. I use company computer and wifi for all of my personal stuff! I pay my bills, candy crush, social media, or whatever I need to get done, as long as my work is done. I don't care who likes it! lol

Yep, I will never understand the drunk uncle with the nephew thing either. He said that he apologized to his nephew for being in that condition, and said he was sorry he wasn't "fun". I yelled at him. You didn't need to worry about apologizing to him for not being fun! You needed to apologize for ever having him see you like that! You needed to explain that you were putting him and yourself in danger by being in that condition and having him! You need to apologize for ever displaying such irresponsibility and wrecklessness to him! You needed to use that as an example of how NOT to be. But no, you apologize for not being "fun"?!!!!! AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!! Stupid, stupid man!!!! Way to screw up on turning that screw up into a teachable moment!!!

I'm dying over here thinking of you standing in the middle of the woods muttering something sarcastic and hillarious under your breath, angry at yourself for ever letting someone talk you into this whole "wildlife" adventure c**P!! hahahahaha!!!! I imagine you just sitting down, pulling out a snack from your pocket and saying "eh, he'll come looking for me as soon as he realizes there's no stores for me to escape to anywhere near here, in the mean time I'll enjoy the peace and quiet of alone time". lol

I'm willing that laundry to float into the washing machine and dryer and fold itself for you! Did it work?! You know, they say a mind is a powerful thing. I've been trying to harness that power to make the housework and laundry do itself for years! With my luck, it probably worked for you and reached across the world to get yours to do itself, while mine still sits, waiting.....lol

I've got to get busy. Today will be so busy! I have a trip planned (just local) with my clients tomorrow that I must prepare for, followed by my trip (about an hour and a half drive so not too bad). I have last minute shopping to do for both, packing to do for both, and only today to do it. And she's off....

Happy Humpday Blue! You're halfway to the weekend! Yay!

Be blessed!