How do I find my own happiness, while he's busy self destructing?

men..... lol Is it terrible that I had an evil Muah HaHa! laugh come into my head when you said he was hurting and you were looking forward to enjoying his pain. I'm the EXACT same way!!! It may be a bit evil of us to be like that. But I do so enjoy it!!! lol It's my quiet revenge for the pain and suffering I had to endure on the prior evening as I babysat or just ran around cleaning up after him! lol I get no greater joy than to see him hit with a bad hangover! lol

I'm sorry you don't have a facebook, but completely understand. You trolling??? No way! lol I have that problem too. They say that its much easier if you just scroll past the posts that annoy you or make you angry, but I am THE WORST at doing that! After about the 5th stupid, arrogant, or downright offensive post someone makes - I can't help myself! I have to tell them what a douchebag they are! If you had a facebook, you'd notice that my blunt honesty is one of the characters that my real friends treasure about me. They know that if they want good advice or the honest truth (even if it hurts) all they have to do is ask me. I won't sugar coat anything to spare feelings. If you didn't want to know the truth, you probably shouldn't have asked me, of all people! lol

Well, busy morning. I have to pack. And unlike you - There is NO WAY I could just "wing it" and stop at the stores to shop on the way. I have to have EVERY detail planned, checked off of the list, and precise. lol I'm so OCD about trips away from home! I wish I could do it the way you suggested. Just let go and let the trip take care of itself. Nope! I can't even type that without anxiety! lmao! The groceries were purchased yesterday. The cooler (ice chest) is in the car, waiting to be packed with 3 days worth of groceries, and the list is being checked off one thing at a time. Just like if I enter the woods for a walk, it will be on a CLEARLY MARKED TRAIL! I would have a heart attack if I found myself lost! lol There would be no sitting down, reading my book and sipping my water until I was ready to mosey out and find my way back. NONE OF THAT! Anxiety is setting in just typing that too! lol I think I'll skip the walk in the woods, as a matter of fact! lol Maybe a stroll along the ponds edge. At least then I can see all the way around it and know where the cabin is from anywhere I'm standing. lol See, you've sent me into a full blown panic attack 8-{ Just kidding. But honestly, I could never be free spirited like you. I'm so overly scheduled, by the book, if it's not on the list or part of my routine - I am liable to have a meltdown! That's me. Oh, to learn how to relax and let life be what it is. That would be so nice.... I envy you for that! 🙂

Speaking of the woods, I may not have any reception at the cabin. It's pretty far out there. If not, I won't be back around until Sunday. I hope I have service, because reading your posts and replying is one of my favorite ways to relax and enjoy my coffee!

Time to crush some candy before I go take the group on their trip. We aren't bowling today, we're going to tour an old house in our town that was maintained as a museum, then having a picnic lunch by the lake. I'm so excited! I love touring old places and I also love being by the water! It should be a blast. Then home to finish checking off my list and hit the road!

If I don't post, have a great weekend and I'll check back in as soon as I'm able. Well, I'm off!

Be blessed!

You are Not going to Believe this!!!! So, my clients and I were sitting at the park by the lake in our matching orange shirts (my memberships' shirts). Along comes a vehicle and out steps a lady who was very pretty, in a beautiful black dress and classy sunglasses. She walks over and waves at me and says "Hi, I'm from the Cleveland channel 5 news. We are interviewing people in your community about KROGER (our local grocery chain) PHASING OUT PLASTIC BAGS BY 2025. We'd like to get your opinion on it. lmao!!! I COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP!!!! So, I say yes. She waves to the gentleman who is now out of the vehicle and holding a Giant television camera and tripod over. He walks over, sets up right in my face, as I sat in my yard chair, and puts a big fuzzy mic in my face. She then asks me my name and profession and interviews me about PLASTIC BANS!!!! Of course, I mentioned just having talked with my friend in the UK about an island of plastic in the ocean and how we take for granted that once we throw our trash away it is gone, but it's not. It effects us for a very long time while it decomposes. So I'm going to be on television at 5:30 on the Cleveland, Ohio Channel 5 news! Our recent enlightening conversation came in handy as I was filming my interview and also getting a free TV spot for my business, since I was wearing our shirt! IT WAS SO IRONIC that I was looking for the star of the "Punked on TV" show to pop out and tell me I was on candid camera!!! LOL!!!! This really is a small world Blue!!

I had to jump on and tell you. Of course I used it as an excuse to pause in my packing duties. lol I better run. Much to do. Checklist and all....lol

Enjoy your free concert....lmao!!! I say BREAK OUT THE TUBA!!!! Hahaha!!! I love it!!!!

Be blessed!

Just popping in real fast, before the pizza arrives. I survived! NO internet. NO cable tv. NO cell phone service! We roughed in (in my version anyway). Cabin was gorgeous! Hot tub was fabulous! Rafting down the river was....ahhh...I'll update you on that over morning coffee. He survived it, just barely tho! lol

Ohp! Pizza's here. Gotta run! I'll post in the morning. And yep, I remembered my toothbrush! lol

You know, as much as I love going away, I do love coming home! It was nice to shower in my own shower and sleep in my own bed last night! I have a ton of things to get done today though, so no rest for the weary. I still haven't tackled that back wall of my house that's covered in spider webs. And the weeds are getting out of control fast. I need to do all of that, and try to get the lawn mowed today. Mowing is his job, but it's going to be 87 degrees outside and he has to return to work in that hot factory (like 106 degrees inside) so I'll try and see how I'm feeling after I finish all of my jobs to do the yard mowing too.

Rafting...oh what a mess! He was clueless! He would not listen to me when I tried telling him that he was rowing all wrong, and then he would be so concerned with everyone else that he wasn't paying attention. So he found himself outside of the raft, pulling us off of rocks more times than he would probably like to admit. I wanted to badly to pop him in his head with my ore several times, but I didn't. So he did survive, but we will never do that again! Kayaks maybe, but no rafting or canoing with him!

Other than that, it was a great time. It was nice to escape reality for a while. But here we are - back to reality. We were home about 4 hours and I heard him grumbling about his money situation. I was fuming mad! Why do you continue to grumble and struggle?! Oh that's right, because you make a $30 payment, and then charge $50 before your next payment YOU WILL NEVER GET AHEAD THAT WAY IDIOT!! He is quickly failing and I told him that the only way he will ever get ahead is to surrender to treatment and surrender his finances. I think he almost stopped breathing when I said it, but I reminded him that he already knows this stuff. Just because I don't remind you of it 1000 times a day, like before, doesn't mean I don't know it too.

Me? My finances are great. I just took a mini weekend away vacation and I'm still sitting pretty in my bank account. That's the benefit of saving and being responsible and frugal when you need to. Why doesn't he just accept the hard truth and surrender already?! What will it take?! Probably me suffering through no more long weekends away. Probably me going without too. That's so unfair. ugh....

How about you? What did you do to entertain yourself over the weekend? Any new free concerts lately, compliments of the neighbors? Did he find the perfect flat? I look forward to your reply. I've missed catching up with you.

Have a great day far away friend!

Be blessed!

Oh no! You're a river zig-zagger too?!!! Those are the worst! lol But unlike your s.i.l. I will not begin to act like I have a clue as to how to teach you differently. I'm no pro. I just know that zigzag is not the proper direction! lol See, the ones who make a mess of the trip have the most fun. He can't wait to go again! I would just as soon shoot myself in the foot than raft down a river with him again!! lol

I'm so proud of you. Home for 2 whole days with no escaping! Wow! That's impressive. If it's getting chilly, that makes for an uncomfortable book reading session on a park bench huh?! You poor thing. What in the world do you do in the winter?!! That has to be horrible for you to have all of the benches covered in snow for months and it being so cold your nose could freeze and fall off if you stay in it too long. (I'm googling what your weather is like there) Oh, it looks like it's a bit chillier there than here right now, but your weather looks to be almost the same as ours. Except you guys use that funny c with yours instead of the f. lol I had to ask google to translate too. haha! Our winters are rather mild. I mean we have weeks of really nasty stuff, where your nose just might freeze and fall off or you may find yourself hip deep in snow, but for the most part it melts away and it's just uncomfortable and dark....That's the worst part. The lack of sunshine sucks!!! In fact, our area is so cloudy and lacks sunshine so much that it is not uncommon for us to be vitamin D deficient (I am now taking supplements for it as a matter of fact). For me, it was actually a bit chilly for the river. It was high of 82 degrees (27.777777c for you, according to google) lol all weekend, but it was cloudy and the warm part of the day was only about 2 hours long. For the most part it was cloudy and about 76 (24.444444c) lol which is pretty cold when you're getting wet. Oh and for about a half an hour of our trip down the river - it POURED rain. Not long enough to mess up the rafting, just long enough to completely drench us and leave us looking like a couple of wet rats, arguing and bickering down the river in a zigzag pattern. lol

I've learned that we (America) is far behind the trend of the world in trying to cut plastic out of our lives. Sorry for that. I told you we're lazy and entitled. I am learning now though.Well...I'm learning more about how much stuff I have that is plastic and how I don't know how I'd survive without it!!! But I have been more aware of each time I throw something plastic away. There's a lot! I'm not sure how to fix the problem. I guess it would first start with the producers of the products we use. They would need to start transitioning to glass or other parishable products so that we would purchase our items in that container instead. But then, we'd have to choose between a glass container and plastic and be willing to pay the extra for glass. Which is where the whole problem is. Damned if we do, damned if we don't.

You know, he's actually said that to me about the losing part of his cg. He told me that most of the time he's excited when he finally loses it all. It's like his permission to let go and focus on living again. That's so sad to me Blue! I can't imagine being excited for the worst to happen to save me from myself. I can't imagine being in that place in my mind. Unfortunately, I don't see him even considering surrender. I think he's going to be one who loses it all and I'm not even sure that he will stop then. I was so hurt yesterday (by my own doing of course). His check goes directly into his bank account. It was deposited while we were on our trip. When we got home, I was still in a haze from the weekend and having him all to myself. But reality SMACKED me right in the face. I was outside fighting the good fight against the spiders and webs....(oh what a site that was) and he walked out all cleaned up and dressed. He said, I'll be back. I asked where he was going. He then told me he was going up to the gas station to play his numbers with the $13 he had left from payday. I was devistated. But quickly realized that the fantasy weekend was over and here we are back to reality. Back to him chasing the dragon. Back to him not having any money for trips and extras, but spending his last dollar on his addiction. ugh..... Oh, and lets not forget that immediately upon sitting down in our house on Sunday evening, he began stressing about how little money he was going to have coming in and how large his bills were in the coming month. But, he went to the **** store and spent his last dime on lottery the very next morning?!!!! AAAAGGHHH!! The insanity of it all. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I so afraid to force a change or walk away?

Haha! I love online shopping! My s.i.l. has an Amazon Prime account and shares it with the family. I jump on there and order what I want, it's here in a couple of days and if I don't like it, I ship it back FREE! I love it! Of course, for someone like you that would not be ideal. But for me, the planner - it works great. I always have things planned out weeks, if not months, in advance so I have plenty of time to order and return. lol It's great in my world. Especially since I HATE shopping. When you wear plus sized clothes, it's difficult to shop in the stores. And many of them say "we have the plus sized clothes available online" anyway. So, I skip the embarrassement and the frustration of searching for my size and do it on Amazon. My favorite shopping place! I will admit, I do buy some of the most outrageous stuff too though. It's so easy to click a button and it'll be here soon. So I see something that looks cool and CLICK, its on it's way. lol The Air Fryer I bought is probably the best purchase I've made though. You should try one if you don't own one. It makes fried foods without oil or grease! It's amazing! Crispy fried potatoes with no oil! Listen to me, I sound like a commercial. lol

Well, I guess I'll go crush my candies now. I really don't know what to do with myself today. I scrubbed the siding on the house, bug-sprayed away all of the spiders, and mowed the grass yesterday. I could probably do some dusting and things around the house today....but that doesn't sound like much fun at all. hmmm.....what to do.....

Have a great day Blue! The sun is out here. I hope it's shining on you too!

Be blessed!

OH NO!!!! I just typed for a half an hour and hit a button and it all disapeared!!!! I don't have time to retype it all, so this will probably be short. But it's actually page #4 of my novel!!! lol

The air fryer did a great job, but it was a lot of waiting. I'm still learning it, so I couldn't just set it and forget it. I'll get there though! lol I made a homemade thai chili sauce to go on chicken wings. I'm sure you'd pass on that! lol But it was really good! I made french fries (do you call them chips) with them and they were amazing! Super crispy and not grease sogged! I ate really late though. I went to visit my nephews out of town yesterday. They start kindergarten and 2nd grade today so it's a pretty big deal! I always loved the 1st day of school! New clothes, new shoes, new teacher, new friends to be made. I'm looking forward to the call this afternoon to fill me in on how it went. 🙂

I'm really trying to separate. It's so hard Blue. It's like being in a pool and trying to swim laps, but being chained to the side. No matter how hard I swim, I can't move forward. (actually it's much like our rafting trip, but I digress) I want to grow and move forward and do more and have more and gain. But he keeps me chained to "getting through today is enough". I'm not happy with the neighborhood I live in. I think it's time to sell this house and go buy another one. But I can't really afford to do it all on my own. I need someone I can depend on. I need someone who is striving to do better in life. I need someone I don't have to constantly pick up from falling. I want to lean on someone else. He is NOT that guy. He is loving, kind, affectionate, helpful, and very mild-mannered. Those are things I love about him. But none of those things will advance us into the future or help us to improve our situation. Do I keep improving my situation and keep dragging him along with me, to reap the benefits of my hard work, while he continues to destroy his own future? I can't do that forever. I don't know how long I can keep up at this pace. I don't want to lose him, but the resentment continues to grow and grow everyday.

I pray you never find yourself in that position again. I know if he is willing to lose all that he has for his addiction, it must have been a pretty bad place to be in when you finally decided enough was enough. As much as you say you want to bury it and forget about it, I'm so thankful that you decided to share it with me and help me through this. I believe your desire to help me will feed your determination to stay the course. I think you're going to be a forever success story! Your process may not be the traditional path to recovery, but it's working. And something about you tells me there's really nothing ordinary or traditional about you :P That's what makes you the beautiful person that you are though. Your spirit is so pleasant. You make me think happy thoughts, even when you're fussing about the bad parts of your day. lol You have a light about you and the way you think. It's so fun! Never change that! Just keep chugging along. You're doing great! Like the Little Engine That Could (children's book) "I think I can, I think I can"! up the hill 🙂

I suppose I could go crush some candy. Then maybe I'll go get those clothes out of the dryer that have been in there for 2 days. Maybe I'll start the dryer again 1st and pray the wrinkles bake out of them. lol Or maybe I'll leave them another day. I'm on vacation - I won't be controlled by this *** housework!

I hope you got some good rest. I also hope you impressed the VIPs! I'm sure you did!

Be blessed!

EDIT - I had to come back and add WOW! I STILL TYPED A BOOK! I realized it after I hit the save button and it posted. HAHA!

Curse those blinking lights!! Much like my trash can. How can he walk past it, or better yet - add trash to it if he has to perfectly balance it on the top of the pile that is about to come crashing down over the side of the can, because it's so full that it won't fit one more piece of rubbish?!!! He does though....never fails! I have to pull the trash out of the can and literally sit it by the back door, so that he realizes that he needs to take the trash out! lol

It was really full yesterday too. I decided to try a recipe for my favorite pie, since I was home all day. So I baked 4 Pecan Cheesecake Pies 🙂 It was delicious!!! But it was also 87f (30.556c) outside, so my air conditioning struggled to keep the house cool. I block my kitchen from the rest of the house with a sheer curtain in the summer to help keep the kitchen cooking heat out of the rest of the house. So, while standing in there making those pies and dinner (roast pork chops, homemade macaroni and cheese, and steamed brussel sprouts YUM) I looked like I had been running a marathon in the desert! My hair was soaked, face was beet red, and I was hot! But it was all worth it! I did enjoy the pie, and I'll freeze a couple of them for a later time, but I'm not sure that's exactly what I wanted. May have to find another recipe to try while I'm off.

I was searching for a good book to read, but couldn't really find anything that sparked my attention. Any suggestions? I could probably occupy my time with much needed housework, but that just sounds ridiculous! Who goes on vacation and works everyday?! Somehow I've managed to find something way too productive to do every single day that I've been off. I'm not very good at the whole just do nothing thing. I may skip the cooking and cleaning today and go visit my uncle. He's dying of lung cancer, like his little sister (my mom). It's always so painful to see him like that. It takes me back to when my mom was dying. I can't imagine what they must be thinking and feeling. I can't imagine a doctor telling me that my life is coming to an end. How do you make that make sense in your brain. How do you find any way of enjoying your remaining days when you know death is coming. It's all too much for me to process. Makes me very sad. But, I do love him very much. He was my mom's favorite brother, so he's special to me. I need to be there for him and make memories while we can. So maybe that's what I'll do. I think I'll skip cooking and cleaning for my uncle. Yep. That's a plan. <3

The fiance is working over all week, so I haven't had much time with him since we got back from our mini vacation. I've been entertaining myself most of the time. I know, you're thinking "Oh, how perfect". lol I, on the other hand, hate it. I wish he were home so that we could go places and hang out. I don't like to go to public places alone. I think I told you that about my dining out. Well, it's pretty much anywhere. Except clothes shopping. Well...I don't want him there while I search and search for the clothes, but then I want him to magically appear when I come out of the dressing room for an opinion of how the clothes look on me. lol Then I need him to disappear again! :P Hmmm....I could do that too....I haven't bought myself anything in a while. Maybe I'll go buy myself some clothes or shoes 🙂 But first I will go visit uncle!

So here's a funny one! He called me yesterday on break from work. He must do his deep thinking while he's working and left to his thoughts in the loud factory with his headphones on. He said I have a plan! (duh, another one?!) I will not allow myself to gamble unless I have $500 in my savings account. I simply replied $500 isn't enough to do anything with. That won't pay for a vacation, that won't buy you new clothes, that won't cover the holiday spending, that won't cover another layoff from work. You need way more than that in the savings. And that also tells me that once you've saved $500, you'll gamble it all away and come up with a new plan. You know your only option is to surrender to stopping entirely. He replied "AWW DANG! I just knew you'd be so proud of me"! Uhhh....no. I'm neither proud, nor disapointed. I know where you're headed. I won't feed into your "plans" anymore. I'll simply wait for it all to fall apart and you to realize you have to STOP. Until then, your plans don't excite me, good or bad. End of conversation.

You are 100% right. I will not buy a house with him. If I sell mine and buy another, it will be in MY name and something that I can afford on my own if I had to. I've searched high and low though, and for my price, there really isn't anyting better than what I'm living in. If it doesn't take me out of my current situation and improve it, then I won't pay a penny more for it. Maybe I'm expecting way too much for what I'm willing to pay. Or maybe I need to just relax and wait for that perfect deal to come across my path. Maybe I need to learn how to be content. That's probably more of what the problem is....the content part.

I don't know how you fixed the blinking light problem, but around my house if I stomp a few times and shout out a couple of cuss words from the kitchen, things start getting done! Maybe that's the magic spell. It goes (stomp, stomp) "Son Of A B****!, Why in the **** hasn't the dishwasher been unloaded?! Am I supposed to shop, put everything away, drag it back out to prepare it, clean the kitchen, load the dishwasher, and UNLOAD THE **** THING TOO"?! And P**f!! like magic, things start getting done! Maybe try that spell. lol

Well, coffee cup is empty. Time to go crush candy. It's much cooler today outside. I think I'll open the windows and enjoy the breeze 🙂

Be blessed!

Haha! Shopping trip never happened. I hate shopping. I have to syke myself up and then GO while I've got the motivation to do so. Needless to say, giving myself hours between deciding and going was a bad plan. I'll just order something for myself online... 😉 lol I have a pretty boring wardrobe. I prefer jeans (stretchy of course), joggers or stretchy shorts, tshirts, or tshirt material tops and tennis shoes. Nothing fancy here. I changed the dress code when I took over at my agency. The old Director used to wear 3 pc suits! She was far too flashy! She was definitely good at looking the part - just not at doing the job! That was my job. And when you do the job - there's no time for 3 pc suits! lol We are a humble agency and our members don't need an intimidating, stuffy person behind a desk to greet them. They need someone approachable and down to Earth. So 1st change - NO MORE DRESSING UP! Casual, everyday clothes welcome! I'm a great boss! lol Even though, its just me bossing me most of the time. Well, except that 10 hours a week that I have the assistant there.

lol I find it hillarious that we are on separate ends of the planet and still deal with the same issues with these ridiculous males in our lives. lol They really are a strange breed aren't they?! If only they would realize that we are the superior thinkers, and accept that our answers are always the right ones, we would do so much better in this world! You'd think they'd get tired of saying "I'm sorry, you were right afterall" over and over and over again! lol So sorry my spell didn't work. It probably P***ed your kobolds off and that's why they didn't help. Oops...

I had to google your house kobolds. That was a very cool read! I hope you are nice to yours, because from what I learned this morning, it could make your life even more difficult. See, I didn't need a book - I just read wikipedia about kobolds. Ship kobolds, mine kobolds, and house kobolds. Pretty cool little things 🙂

My home is a single family house. It's actually pretty cheap on the market here. I only paid $25k for it. Our median market is probably around $85k-100k. I bought this one when I was divorced. My ex left me for a heroin addicted stripper and became a J****E too. So he not only bailed and left me holding the bag with a $100k house, 2 vehicle payments, all of the bills, and 2 sons, but he wiped my credit out in the process. So I was on the verge of homelessness and couldn't find a house to rent for me and my kids that I would even consider living in for under $800 a month. Buying was my only option to find affordable housing. My brother and his wife used their names and credit, along with my money and bought my house for me. I then filed bankruptcy, and started building my credit back up, all while paying the mortgage and any expenses attached to the house and an additional $100 to them for their kindness and for the end of year taxes as well. After 3 years, I had finally recovered enough for them to transfer my deed into my name and became a homeowner again 🙂 But I'm at a point where I think I'm ready to move on from here to something a little better. Or maybe not. Maybe I need to stop trying to change my environment and just work on making it better here. Maybe I should just look into expanding the house or yard to accomodate what I want. Maybe??? The problem there is, if I invest money into major renovations here, I won't make it back in a sale because the property values in my neighborhood are low. So if I did it, it would be only for me to enjoy, not an investment to make more out of the eventual sale of the house. It would probably end up being a loss in the sale. So, I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard spot. Typing that story out to you reminded me of how hard I worked for this little house and how much of a blessing it once was to me <3 I needed that reminder. If the right opportunity comes along for a move, I'll take it. In the meantime, I'm going to be content.

I recommend that Maya Angelou biographies collection. But I also read the entire Harry Potter Series (J.K. Rowlings), The Shades of Grey Series (E.L. James), and the entire Flowers in the Attic Series (V.C. Andrews) and loved them all. Wow! My memory is so bad, I know I've read MANY more and can't think of a single other title right now. Those are clearly my stand-outs. I'll pass on the alian spider stories!!! That would wreck my ability to lead a normal life afterward. No thank you! No scary or mind f*****g books/movies for me! lol

You did great with being philosophical! lol More wise words have never been spoken (or typed) lol I appreciate your feedback. You reinforce to me what I already know to be true. It's nice to hear it from someone who's been there though. Then I know I'm on the right track. Thanks!

Well, the male has awakened. Guess I'll go entertain him for a bit before he leaves for work. But 1st - I must crush my candies!

Happy Friday!!! I hope you have a fun-filled, perfect weekend!

Be blessed!

Holy c**P! 280.000! That's 325,400.00 American dollars! That's a lot of money - and should have been a lot of house! Well, around here it would be. Not a mansion or anything like that, but probably a 3500 sq. foot house with 3 or 4 bedrooms in the suburbs. A most desireable neighborhood. I'm pretty sure I'll never afford one of those. Not working for a non-profit anyway. I'm ok with that though. I don't need a super fancy house. I just want one that meets my needs, makes me feel safe, and can accomodate my friends. I miss entertaining. My house, yard, and street are really all too small for entertaining. It sucks! Plus there's the flop house across the street with God knows who living there from one month to the next. They throw their trash in the street, sit outside yelling and screaming profanities and getting drunk. And it's right in front of my house on a 1-way street that's probably 12 feet wide. It's quite annoying and embarassing when I have company and we're trying to sit on my porch in and chat in the fresh air. Maybe I could buy that house for cheap and have my youngest son live there! That would fix everything! lol I'll just buy up the little houses on the block and put all of my own family in them. At least then when they are annoying me I can slap them and have less of a chance of going to jail for it! Haha!

I love your plan to avoid taxiing... have a beer and void your ability to drive. That's genius! lol "Oh dear, I'm so sorry. I decided to have some drinks myself, so I can't drive to pick you up". Genius I tell ya! lol I hope your table survives the night! lol I'm sure you're enjoying your quiet time too. As far as the dinner choice....I too eat the frozen noodles, but I've never questioned what the "stuff" in them was. Now I probably will. lol You would think it was meant to be there and has food properties right???? Or maybe not....and I'm eating something that grew in it before it was frozen!!!! OH NO!!!! lol Ehh...I've never really been too fussy, so as long as it tastes good and I don't get sick I'd probably still eat it. lol

The Flowers in the Attic series is great! It's my all time favorite. It's a twisted tail of a wealthy family. It keeps your nose in the book! I can't remember how many books, but I think it's like 4 or 5....I googled it! There's 4. Flowers in the Attic, Garden of Shadows, Petals on the Wind, If There be Thorns and Seeds of Yesterday. You can get it in a box set if you prefer paperback vs. reading it on your phone or kindle. I'm a phone reader if I have the option (I didn't have that option when I read those books, many years ago). I enjoy flipping pages, but I never remember the book, so I find myself in perfect places to read and don't have the book with me. My phone however, never gets left behind! lol Shades of Grey - I was completely obsessed with those books! It's strange how a book about such a kinky private life was not at all like P**n. It's a hott love story with drama in between. I loved it! The movies did the book a grave injustice! But that usually happens with movies based on books. Except Harry Potter - I loved that too! lol I could never get bored watching Harry and the gang fight the evil spirits that area attacking Hogwarts. lol

Isn't it funny how thinking back on our old homes we wonder how we were ever so content to live there. lol I've lived in some real **** holes in my years. I made them home and I was happy there. When life throw you lemons, right?.... You know, on that day that I was on the news and had taken my group out. I took them to tour an old house in our town before we went to the park. The bathrooms were GORGEOUS! One was the "men's room". It was all gray. It looked a lot like a locker room, the wall tile was all gray, along with the sinks, tub, and toilet. All gray. It was stunning! Then the "lady's room" was all pink. Same with it. Everything was pink, including the wall tiles. Gorgeous! But it reminded me, I had lived in a house with an old bathroom that had that exact same tile. It was hideous! At least I thought that at the time. But seeing the perfectly manicured and pristine bathroom in this house with that pink tile, I understood the beauty of it. That's wild. I guess it's all about perception. Maybe about tile and grout maintenance too...lol Mine weren't anything close to perfect in that old house I lived in. But maybe with a little effort they could have been. hmmm.... Haha! That's like me! If you stand 50 yards away, squint your eyes, and tilt your head just right when you look at me, I look like a beauty queen! lol

My strange male is exactly the opposite of yours. Haha! Mine knows that I'm the boss, and I'm ALWAYS right. For the most part, he lets me be. That's another character I love about him. I'm bossy. He knows it, and he's ok with that. Sometimes he'll push back, but not really much. He's very laid back and easy going. Much like you that way. On the RARE occassion (hehe) that he's right and I'm wrong, he will do a dance around me and taunt me by asking me to repeat myself when I say "You were right". lol I dont' know the dance too well though, since I RARELY see it enough to learn it.....lol

He's working again today. They were mandated to work Saturday this week 🙁 He needs the money to help dig himself out of the hole he's dug though, so maybe it's a good thing. We'll see. But, in the meantime, I cleaned the house from top to bottom yesterday. All of the laundry is done. The outside is mowed and the house is spider web and spider free. I have NO IDEA what to do with myself. I really should go shopping or something. I just hate the idea of sitting in this house and doing nothing. But, I've been a complete failure at that since I've been home. I planned to do that the entire week....but can't force myself to sit still. I have to be productive, what the hell is wrong with me?! lol

I think I'll go candy crush, then get dressed and go shopping. But I must get moving before the urge wears off and I talk myself out of it again. Have a great weekend far away friend!

Be blessed!

Congrats on your table surviving! And congrats on owning one!

I came from a very modest, and poor home for most of my childhood. Well...after I was 12 and my mother finally left my very physically and mentally abusive, alcoholic father. He worked hard and provided well, so we had a nice little home, but it was filled with rage and pain! On our own, after she left we were poor and wreckless, but we were happy. We moved around alot! For the most part, we would live somewhere for a few months and Mom would be able to keep up on the bills on her very limited income. She was disabled by then, as the years of my father's beatings and throwing her around had broken her back and she couldn't work anymore. And the ***hole, monster never gave her a dime of child support or helped us with anything. He disowned us for choosing to live with her, so I lost my father at that age as well (good riddance to bad trash). Then things like holidays would hit and Mom couldn't help herself but to buy us gifts and make a holiday feast (with the rent money) and that would start our non payment month, that she could never catch up on. Which lead to the evictions that took them around 2 to 3 months to complete. Then we'd be moved in somewhere else. That was about 6 years of my life.

My mother was only 15 when she married my father and had me. He beat her (and us) and controlled her every move for their entire marriage. So Mom had no education, no work skills, nothing. She only knew how to be a great mom and wife. But once she left my dad, she was broken and lost. She began partying like a teenager (those years she never had) and turned into an alcoholic who was in the bars all of the time. But then at 19, I became pregnant with my oldest son and our lives changed. He changed all of our lives. At that time we were all out of control. Partying, fighting, not working, my sister and I had dropped out of school. My little brother was staying at friends houses most of the time so that he could get to school in the mornings and have some type of normalcy when he was there. It was a pretty bad situation. But when I found out I was pregnant, all of us started re-evaluating our lives and our choices. We realized that it was time to grow up and prepare a good home for our little one. He really was "our" little one too. We all adored him! It was him that made me decide to go back to school, get my degree, and start my life. I needed to be a good example of what a good person and a good citizen was for him.

Wow...got off track. So my point was, I have some experience with having little and living in the "not so popular" parts of town. But I have street smarts and I made a lot of connections with people that I wouldn't have otherwise. Now I am able to connect with people of all walks of life. I'm not intimidated by the "thug" that may scare other people. I've learned how to adapt. So, I can manage just fine in my current neighborhood and I've made the best of it. I do feel at home. But, I also could live without the headaches of idiots. It's not something that is urgent, nor is it dangerous to live here. Which is where the struggle comes in. Do I find another house that doesn't have the "bad" neighborhood and spend more money to remove that annoyance from my life and have a house that I can entertain guests in again, without fear of the neighbors doing something ridiculous to embarrass me? Or do I live here, apologize for the idiots across the streets all of the time, but afford to enjoy trips, shopping and the other fun stuff in life? I do prefer the living part! Why can't I just have the best of both worlds?!!

Speaking of shopping - I DID IT!!! I went out and found some great deals on the clearance racks at the store. I actually found my first pair of distressed (holy and frayed) blue jeans for 10.15€ (thanks google for the conversion and for helping me figure out how to enter the euro symbol since I don't have one on my keyboard) Strange - to enter the € I have to hold the Alt button and type in 0128 Isn't that funny! That's quite complicated! I spent 172.10€ on me! 3 pairs of jeans, a long cardigan sweater, a hooded fall shirt that says "Pumpkin Spice is my favorite season" lol, a nice babydoll dress, and a pair of sneakers. I'm happy 🙂

I'm bummed. Since he had to work yesterday, today was supposed to be date day. Well, he's sick. Throat hurts, aching, coughing. He's about to go to the clinic. So it looks like no Melon Festival for me 🙁 The Melon Festival is in a nearby town. It's great! They celebrate their big crop - Watermelon! So, there's watermelon EVERYTHING! Deep fried watermelon, watermelon soda, watermelon candy, and the best of all Watermelon ICE CREAM! It's a fun little gathering in a small town. We planned to go there, listen to the bands, walk around, eat some ice cream, and then end our date at the Chinese Buffet restaurant that is in the neighboring town which is amazing! Now, it looks like I'll probably find myself sitting in this **** house watching him sleep. Oops...I mean, awww I'm so sad for him that he feels bad. Poor guy needs some rest. We can just stay home so that he doesn't feel worse. I'm ok with not dating this week. (was that convincing?)

I think it's so funny how they just assume that things magically get done around them. My house would fall apart if I left it to him! I make the repairs, do the yearly maintenance, do the emergency maintenance, tend to the dusting, closet cleanouts, window washing, bathroom scrubbing, carpet cleaning, spider killing, weed killing... you name it, I do it! Speaking of weed killing - I'm no gardener either! If it can't be mowed down with the mower, I don't permit it in my yard! I do have 2 potted plants that I almost always remember to water.....almost....that sit on my porch. That's the only color you'll find in my yard! lol

Tomorrow is my last morning of vacation 🙁 It went so fast! I'm going to try my hardest to sleep in and do nothing. We shall see. With the sick one around, it should prove to be challenging. When he gets a cold, the whole world stops and he thinks he's dying. So it's always me to the rescue! lol

Well, he stirs, so I better go baby him for a bit. Then I can crush my candy while he's at the clinic 🙂

Be blessed!

Aww you're sweet! Thanks! I'm happy to be here! I look forward to our back and forths.

You don't know what Pumpkin Spice is?!! Oh what a world, what a world...(stole that from The Wizard of Oz) Over here, it's the spice of the fall season. Coffees, Ice Cream, Pastry, Scented Candles. It's glorious! Do you have pumpkin pie or sweet potato pie? They are a cinnamon, spicy, maple, sweet flavor that is delicious! That is the flavor of "pumpkin spice". It's so popular in the US that its gained a cult-like following. People are crazy for it! But then there are the people who think it's gross (hmm hmm) that tease the people who love it. Hence our little impass here. lol That's what makes the shirt funny 🙂

He has a sinus infection. He left here talking to me like he was about to go to the oncologist and find out how many days he had left on this earth. lol Clinic for a cold? No, not me, ever. Him - oh yes of course! Please pause the world, he has a little sinus pressure. lol Needless to say date day was a bust 🙁 It was miserably hot outside by the time we made it to the festival. We had our ice cream and left. After paying to park...ughh. Then we went to dinner at the chinese buffet - delicious as always. Hardly a word was exchanged between us though, he was being a short-tempered j**k to me all the way there, because he doesn't feel well. We stopped and rented a couple of DVD movies at the movie store and came home. He fell asleep and I entertained myself for most of the night making a delicious new pie.

But something great did happen. My brother texted me and invited me to go out on his boat to cruise around on the lake this morning. I'm so excited! I love the water! So, sleeping in wasn't an option, but it'll be worth it to get out on the lake and feel the mist from the water splashing as we hit the waves <3 I may be going alone. I'm ok with that. He's still sleeping so I'll wake him and see how he feels. I'd just as soon welcome his absence than deal with the boohooing.

I guess I should get some candy crushed before I have to get dressed and head to my brothers. I hope you have a glorious day. Do you celebrate Labor Day? We have a federal holiday today. It's a day off for a lot of US workers. A lot of people get paid for the day off. I'm salary, so I get the same check every payday anyway. But, none the less, I always take my week off of work before the holiday to get a free extension of my vacation 😉

Be careful eating those watermelon seeds! When we were children, my mom used to tell us that if we ate the seeds, we'd grow a watermelon in our belly! lol ...Come to think of it, maybe that explains my weight problem....stupid watermelon seeds.....

Be blessed!

I didn't end up going 🙁 When I finally got in touch with my brother, he said that he was still in bed but that we could go if I still wanted to. I told him no, maybe another time, since the fiance wasn't feeling well. You see, prior to that phone call, I woke him up 3 different times to get ready if he was going. The 1st time he just went back to sleep. The 2nd time he said "do you think it'll be ok to be around the nephews like this" to which I replied, "Yes, you have a sinus infection. That's not contgagious". Then the 3rd time he just said "You know, if you won't be mad, I think I'll just stay home and rest. I feel really bad and I'm sure I'll make you miserable". To which I replied "I understand. If you feel that bad, I won't be mad. I'll go by myself. Rest and feel better." So, then I called my brother and we just cancelled since I was apparently the only person really feeling up to going. And unfortunately, I don't own a boat soo....

Well, he did end up waking up and sitting on the couch all morning. I changed out of my boating outfit and into house clothes and was relaxing and planning what to cook for Sunday dinner. A couple of hours go by and he says to me "Do you want to go out to my aunt's house for swimming and hanging out with everyone"? .........I thought I was going to Explode!!!! Nevermind that I have been wanting to go on a boat ride ALL SUMMER and haven't. Nevermind that I was just at your family's house yesterday (on date day). Nevermind that I have plans to entertain my son an niece for dinner today. WHAT HAPPENED TO, I SHOULDN'T BE AROUND KIDS and I DON'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR TIME BECAUSE I FEEL SO BADLY. Was there a miraculous healing when your sister called to tell you she was going out there?!!!! I blew up! I sent him out ALONE and spent the afternoon home by myself, until my son made it over for dinner. We were almost ready to sit down to eat when he arrived back home. We ate our dinner in separate rooms and then he came walking in to tell me and my son that he was going to go to the horse betting track for a while. ( Probably expecting me to go off again) Then he left. My son was gone when he returned. So I sat on the couch without speaking a word to him for the remainder of the evening and went to bed. I'm so tired of being at the bottom of his totem pole. I deserve to be a priority. I can't believe he could be so selfish and self-centered.

Yes, this is the last of the stores of it's kind though. We have Redbox, which allows you to pick a DVD from a self service machine outside of our stores. You keep it for an agreed upon, and paid for, time and then return it to that same machine. But we only have the one store left, and yes, they have the "backroom" for adult rentals too. lol I realize that most anything can be downloaded onto my tv or streamed from the internet. But there's something about stopping at the rental store and browsing the movies. Much like walking through the library, instead of downloading a book to the kindle. I'll miss it when it's gone.

I've made some lifelong friends at my past jobs too. Infact that's where I met my fiance. I was bartending at the bowling center that is attached to the horse betting parlor. He worked there too. And yes, he had a problem then! All day long, as long as he had money - it was bet, work a little, bet, work a little, cash in a bet, work a little, make some tips to spend on more bets, work a little more. I should have known! But me, being the "we all have our cross to bare" person, looked past it and figured it wouldn't be THAT big of an issue. pffft..... then it turned into, "he loves me enough to change for me". pffft...... now here we are 🙂 I guess I can be thankful that it did bring you into my life. For that I am glad, truly.

I'm attaching a pumpkin pie recipe. You really must try it. I hope they sell pureed pumpkin in a can there. It's much easier if you have that instead of a whole pumpkin. I'm not sure about the conversion, so if you should decide to try it, you'll have to google all of that. Pumpkin pie is a tradition on Thanksgiving here. Do with the recipe what you please. I just thought you may want to try it 🙂

I'm going to finish getting ready and head back to work :/ Have a good day!

Be blessed!

Pumpkin Pie recipe:

3/4 cup granulated sugar

Hahaha! I got to sign in with just a click on the capcha button! No pictures this time! I get so excited when that happens!

This is actually early pumpkin season here. It's an autumn harvest. It really sounds like a difficult process if you don't have the pureed pumpkin or the evaporated milk 🙁 And you don't like whipped cream?!!! I get the whole not eating meat thing - but WHIPPED CREAM??!!! That takes any dessert and makes it even better! I just can't make any sense of that one! 1ol

I haven't talked to him since Monday when we got into that argument. Probably 10 words total. I really am so hurt and angry with him! I'm angry with myself too. I give so much. He gives what is convenient for him. I know it's wrong of me to expect others to care as much as I do, but d**n. When do I get to be important? When do my interests and desires become important? It wouldn't have cost him a penny to join me on the boat. But it was not something he really wanted to do so he played the "I'm too sick" role. That would have been a good role to play, had he not changed it up for something he wanted to do. That's what angers me so bad! We can see those people and hang out with them anytime - including the day prior. But getting an opportunity to get on the boat and go out on the lake isn't available anytime. I have waited ALL SUMMER for an opportunity. I'm so busy running around trying to please everyone and include everyone and make sure everyone is ok. But when it comes to me, it's up to me. **** that! And then to use me as an excuse to go bet away any money you may have or add more debt to your credit card? Hell, I don't know that he did any of that. I have no idea what he did. I really don't care. I'm tired of fighting for my place. Clearly I am not anywhere near the top of his list. I deserve the top spot. I'm a good woman. I have been loyal, loving, caring, empathetic, supportive, encouraging, helpful, committed, and steadfast. I deserve to be treated like I'm worth something. 2nd best (hell, 5th best) is not fun.

Anyway, enough boohooing about poor me. Work was good. I was very busy getting caught back up. It'll be another busy day today too. I don't mind though. It's better than sitting there waiting for the clock to move. The faster the days move along, the faster I'll get back to the weekend!

I'm a firm believer that for all that goes wrong in the world, if we open ourselves to the lesson to be learned, it makes the bad times worth living through. Yes, a bad occassion brought me here, but meeting you and finding the enlightenment that you bring to my world has made it all worth it. I am blessed. I hate that I have this monkey on my back and I do want it off so badly. But I realize, thanks in big part to you, that I have no control over his addiction. I can only focus on strengthening me and beating that burden off of my own back, because it isn't mine to bare. I need to allow him to carry the bricks he keeps piling on his back and not offer to help anymore. You have helped me to see that more clearly. I am thankful for that. So, even though bad brought me here, good has come of it!

Kudos to you for being nice! You have to earn those buttons for use at a later date. They are currency for when you need a favor 😉 Trust me, I have a truckload! Now if I could only find someone willing to cash them for me. If I had a coin for everytime I thought of him before myself - I'd be rich!

It's going to be a hot one here today. Record setting high temps. The schools even closed. I'll be hiding in the AC and watching the television. I cooked yesterday, and made enough for today as well. Taco salad! Yum! So I'll come home and mix another fresh salad up, warm up the leftover taco meat and dinner is served. Easy! I love 2 day meals. I hate having to cook all of the time. I can't afford to eat at restaurants everyday, so I have no choice. So, I just make BIG meals that make good leftovers and eat them twice 🙂

Time to get a move on it. Have a great day my friend! Maybe I'll get lucky and the capcha will let me end with one click too...(fingers crossed)

Be blessed!

You are so funny! I am here picturing you sitting at your desk (you probably look nothing like my imagination lol) just doing the back and forth with your eyes like you're watching a tennis match lol. Just hoping no one will ask your input. lol I have a feeling you're not a big fan of confrontation. I'm so completely opposite of that. I have been known to be a big mouth. I have never been good at biting my tongue. That's probably why I'm so good at the professional advocate thing. Never the less, I'm so glad you survived it! lol

You don't have AC at your office?! I couldn't deal with that! I'd be a sweaty mess! The heat was so high yesterday that it was physical labor to walk from the office door to my car. The car was so hot that it was suffocating until the AC kicked in. I wasn't sure I'd survive it. But I did 🙂 Here I am 🙂

That quote and the translation were beautiful! I agree. It's something I know, just easier said than done. I am a very selfless person, so it's very difficult for me to understand that everyone isn't like that. I'm learning though. I'm a work in progress, that's for sure.

Haha! Yes, I'm ready for the weekend! That's the problem with vacations. When I get time off, I want more time off! lol I actually schedule my return week accordingly. I already know before I leave that I'm not going to do well with returning. lol So I schedule as little responsibility into that week as possible. I need time to acclimate! lol

Speaking of time to acclimate, I am being bombarded with texts and calls this early in the morning. Leave me alone people!!! I'm having coffee and writing my friend!!! It's silent time for me!!!! Go away!!!! lol

Ughh...there my phone goes again. I guess I better run. Have a good day!

Be blessed!

Thanks for the input Kate. Welcome to the feed. I am working hard on it. The hardest part is that we are coming up on 8 years together, engaged, and I love him to pieces. I have come a long way from where I was when I started this feed, but I still have so much work to do on me. I realized through this last couple of weeks that he enjoys taking me back to where I was. It feeds his fuel to continue to screw up his own life with his cg. That's the cool part about this forum, sharing has enlightened me. Just typing out the story to share reveals to me my own failures and faults in how I deal with him and his addiction. It strengthens me and my resolve to focus on myself and my own healing. I'm not willing to walk away from him and give up on him though, and that's the hard part. Living through the addiction and trying to focus on me, and praying he will surrender to treatment is a very difficult journey.

Blue - No, I wasn't at work. I was at home sitting at my cozy desk in my dining room. Not the kitchen, but close! lol You were correct about me being home enjoying my coffee and being bombarded with calls and texts. That's something you probably figured was happening at work, since you're not one to even let your personal phone make sound or answer yours predictably. lol Me, I don't miss a call, so everyone calls me first for everything! hahaha...Another one of those "try to fix the world" characteristics in me. So now I'm admitting, I probably overwhelm myself....(see, there's more of that clarity you help me with). If I turned my phone to silent and leave it in the other room, I wouldn't find myself bombarded would I?! (ahhh, I get it now!)Yep, I'm definitely inviting that chaos in with the morning phone distractions. Work in progress, remember..... lol

I'm so glad you get to spend some time with your friend. Those lifelong friends are the best! I have 1. I had a best friend from age 5, that went all the way through school with me as my best friend, and then through adulthood as well. Then, after 35 years of being best friends, she and I disagreed on one of her choices, and she blocked me out of her life. I was angry, hurt, confused, and lost for some time. I mourned it like a death. It was very sad. But then I got angry. How dare you walk out of a lifetime of friendship?! You were my sister, more than my friend! Then I finally let it go. It took me about 2 years to get over that. I still wonder about her and wonder if she misses me. It's been around 4 years I think.

But that wasn't supposed to be about the bad part of it, it was supposed to be about the good part! I also have a friend that I've been friends with since I was 13 years old, from school. She and I are still very close. Life keeps us busy, but when we do get a chance to hang out, it's like we never missed a minute apart. We talk non-stop and laugh as much too! I look forward to those connections. Good friendship is priceless!

No worries - in my imagination, you're beautiful. 🙂 Even though you refuse to compliment a single thing about yourself!

This coffee is exceptionally good this morning, by the way! I make it the same everytime, yet some days it tastes perfect and other days not so much. Oh well, I'll take the good with the bad, even in coffee. lol

Haha! I picture that pumpkin sitting alone with a sad face. I'm laughing so hard here! You would be the one to stumble accross the lonely pumpkin. lol And when you become a mega millionair from the pumpkin patch you decide to invest in - don't forget that friend in the US! I wonder if my partner thinks I'm a loon?! So many of our conversations cause me to say and do strange things when he and I are out, and he is clueless! Like the pumpkin - I guarantee that when we are out and I see my first pumpkin of the season, I will most definitely start laughing. He will have no understanding of what in the world is so funny. And I won't have any desire to explain to him that it's an inside, joke from across the world....lol

He bought me flowers....on his cc. lol He apologized for being so selfish and promised to try harder. We will see...

Speaking of him....he wakes! Guess I'll go for now. I hope you had a wonderful visit with your friend! Happy Friday Blue!!!

Be blessed!