How do I mend my heart?

Hi,

I cant stop crying because everything youve written is exactly how Im feeling right now. I was together with my boyfriend for a year and a bit. We met when I was 17, and he was 24. I know its a massive age gap but as soon as we started talking, I fell for him so hard. He knew exactly how to get under my skin and annoy me, but then also make me laugh so much. Hes given me my best memories, and I realise a year might not seem like a lifetime, but we geniunely were thinking about marriage inn a couple years and kids. We had dreams. We'd cuddle up in bed and talk about buying a massive TV for our house, and how it was going to cover the entire wall. We had plans about places we would go on holiday, food we would cook, the name of our future kids. And I loved him, i still do, I loved him more thsn my own life. And when he looked at me, his eyes would shine so bright, and I knew he loved me.

I knew about his gambling a week after we met. He borrowed £100 from me, lied and said it was for a friend. Then he admitted it that night a couple hours later, and cried. I didnt know it was an addiction and I couldve never guessed what it actually meant. I told him its fine dont be silly you dont need to cry, just dont do it again. Then a couple months later it happened again.. and again. By the time 6 months had gone, he owed me £700 and he had wasted every paycheck hed gotten. And i remember each time he came crying to me I forgave him; sure I shouted and screamed at him, told him to never see me again,cried, but then I always forgave him. I dont think he ever did it to hurt me, I still dont. He used to always cry and beg and bang his head on the walls. Most the times Id cry for him, not for me.

Eventually a couple months ago, he lost his house. He came to stay with me and my parents. He gambled again, and this time I lost it. Hed sworn on my life he wouldnt do it, and so I lost it, and overdosed on pills. I'm okay, I didnt take enough apparently, although I still hsve to go in for regular blood checks on my liver. He left that day and hes been homeless since. I went to see him the day after the hospital and he begged me to wait for him until summer, promised he would show me he fixed up and begged for me to not move on asnd still believe in him. And so I said okay. How could I not? Sure, he hurt me so many times, but I loved him. And I know its no excuse but apart from the gambling he was never bad to me. He loved me, he was like my other half, we could talk about anything, wed sing out of tune together, laugh at eachothers bad jokes, hed tie my G*****n shoelaces for me..

Today, I met him. And he told me to move on. He cried and said hed done it again, he said im so sorry. he said ill always love you but you deserve better. And I know its true but I csnt stop loving him asnd i dont know to stop it from hurting. my entire future was made up of plans with him asnd now its gone..

Hello Done_k,

Well done for joining the forum and posting your story here. You might like to start your own thread as you may get more responses that way.

It is concerning that your emotional distress about your partner's behaviour was such that you attempted suicide. GamCare offers free 1-2-1 therapy for 'Affected others' like partners and ex-partners. If you aren't already seeing a therapist and you'd like to have some free counselling locally, you could get that from GamCare. People deal with loss in their own ways, and it can take time to grieve for lost relationships. If you'd like some emotional support or a listening ear then please call us on 0808 8020 133 or try or Netline. An adviser can then give you details of free local services.

Take care,

Forum admin.

Hey hun . Massive hugs to you . This rolls coaster is horrible it’s so confusing emotionally . One thing I’m trying to do is look after myself n take one day at a time . You need to do that too hun . Feel and process the pain .. it’s horrendous I know but only way to heal . I had my first session with a counciller today and she said in her whole career mine was the worst case she’d ever seen . I needed to hear that . Addicts can be very munipulative and have a way of making you feel extreme guilt . We must begin learning it’s not our fault nor Is it our obligation to fix someone who harms us . I am up and down everyday . I am over ten years older than you and like my friends are saying to me want to say run for the hills. I know they don’t understand how hard that is to do . But they are right . You are young , you can build another future . So can I . First we must mourn and heal . Take care of yourself and like everyone is telling me protect yourself . Xxx

This thread literally has me in tears.

Done_k wrote: Hi Done K, I am a gambler and reading your story i feel for you so much. You are a young lady and at the start of your adult lif. It really shouldnt be about gamblering. I really hope you get though this ok.

Hi,

I cant stop crying because everything youve written is exactly how Im feeling right now. I was together with my boyfriend for a year and a bit. We met when I was 17, and he was 24. I know its a massive age gap but as soon as we started talking, I fell for him so hard. He knew exactly how to get under my skin and annoy me, but then also make me laugh so much. Hes given me my best memories, and I realise a year might not seem like a lifetime, but we geniunely were thinking about marriage inn a couple years and kids. We had dreams. We'd cuddle up in bed and talk about buying a massive TV for our house, and how it was going to cover the entire wall. We had plans about places we would go on holiday, food we would cook, the name of our future kids. And I loved him, i still do, I loved him more thsn my own life. And when he looked at me, his eyes would shine so bright, and I knew he loved me.

I knew about his gambling a week after we met. He borrowed £100 from me, lied and said it was for a friend. Then he admitted it that night a couple hours later, and cried. I didnt know it was an addiction and I couldve never guessed what it actually meant. I told him its fine dont be silly you dont need to cry, just dont do it again. Then a couple months later it happened again.. and again. By the time 6 months had gone, he owed me £700 and he had wasted every paycheck hed gotten. And i remember each time he came crying to me I forgave him; sure I shouted and screamed at him, told him to never see me again,cried, but then I always forgave him. I dont think he ever did it to hurt me, I still dont. He used to always cry and beg and bang his head on the walls. Most the times Id cry for him, not for me.

Eventually a couple months ago, he lost his house. He came to stay with me and my parents. He gambled again, and this time I lost it. Hed sworn on my life he wouldnt do it, and so I lost it, and overdosed on pills. I'm okay, I didnt take enough apparently, although I still hsve to go in for regular blood checks on my liver. He left that day and hes been homeless since. I went to see him the day after the hospital and he begged me to wait for him until summer, promised he would show me he fixed up and begged for me to not move on asnd still believe in him. And so I said okay. How could I not? Sure, he hurt me so many times, but I loved him. And I know its no excuse but apart from the gambling he was never bad to me. He loved me, he was like my other half, we could talk about anything, wed sing out of tune together, laugh at eachothers bad jokes, hed tie my G*****n shoelaces for me..

Today, I met him. And he told me to move on. He cried and said hed done it again, he said im so sorry. he said ill always love you but you deserve better. And I know its true but I csnt stop loving him asnd i dont know to stop it from hurting. my entire future was made up of plans with him asnd now its gone..