My Story:
I found out 2 months ago my partner is a gambling addict. And I am so angry.
We have been together for 4 years. I thought we had a pretty amazing relationship.
I told him into our first year of dating my family had a history of mental illness, addiction or/and drama, so I never let any guy close. Because I felt like men lie a lot and create drama (no offense to the fellas, being honest). I told him I couldnt go through that again and I'd rather he break up with me at any point then put me through that again. I still have my family drama and enough anxiety to put up with.
I also told him I have trouble forgiving anyone who lies to me because I am not a liar and I think it's a messed up thing to do to people.
I found out he had a lot of debt into the first year of our relationship. I would lend him money and he'd pay me back.
He said it was from paying for his ex girlfriend who was apparently high maintenance and a bad car loan.
3 years into our relationship I told him I felt like he was always paying off credit cards, so I would pay it and he could pay me back and save money for our future.
When he told me it was £4000 I was shocked. But he argued we were always travelling and living abroad. He said he had a little extra debt he put onto a no interest credit card loan.
I knew he gambled a little, but everyone in England seemed to (i'm from Australia), so I thought it was a cultural thing. But I had spoken to him of my fears of gambling addiction, which he quickly dismissed with excuses and comforting little lies - mocking his "silly" friends for big gambles.
The next year we moved to Taiwan. There I decided to pay off his no interest credit card loan - because I felt like his debt wasnt disappearing. I was mortified when all up I ended up needing to lend him over £8,000 to get rid of his debt (that amount is inclu. the original loan [i know it's not much to some, but it's a lot for me]).
He manipulated me - telling me he told me how much it was in England and that i got confused - and with the cost of our move that's why it added up to so much. He said he told me this. I got upset and angry at myself for losing track (believing that he had originally told me it was that amount). I was in tears and he STILL didn't tell me the truth.
We cut up his credit cards when I payed off his debt - to celebrate. We had a contract made up for his repayments and a payment plan.
A month later I felt he was acting odd... (he acted like that 6 months before hand in the UK and I got angry at him and he stopped) - it was hard to explain..like he was withdrawn or wasn't present. It would make me so angry. He just didnt seem there.
I had a feeling something was going on. I said to him "you're not lying to me about ANYTHING, are you? If you don't tell me now and I found out you have been that's IT for us" he promised me. I asked him about ten times. I didn't think it was gambling... I just felt there was something.
A few months later, in one day, I caught him twice on an online poker app. I said "I lent you all that money. You can't be gambling. That's my money. I want to see your bank accounts." He seemed speechless for once. And after a minute he told me "i think I have a problem.."
I was shattered.
He had managed £2000 extra debt on a card I'd cut up. he had memorized the card numbers. his parents paid it off, not wanting us to break. But he also has £2000 overdraft on another bank account.
He had this perfect family and a perfect childhood and he does this to me now?? He was meant to be the one person who could look after me and support me equally, as I do for him.
I was going to break up with him.. We did break up for 2 weeks... ...but he makes me so happy and... he seemed committed to changing...
He's joined gamblers anonymus online (as we are overseas), he's taken an extra job, he says all the right things, writing a list of who he's wronged, banned himself from sites, put a lock on his phones wifi (that only i have the code to), told his family and he's finally trying to look after his health.
He makes me feel special and I know he couldnt work any harder to prove he's changed.
And so I feel like we could still have that future...
And then every so often, randomly, all the anger comes back and the uncertainty - what happens if he's just a master manipulator? We spent ALL our time together and I didn't figure it out.
I have no friends or family in Taiwan and our relationships future is all down to me.
Sometimes I get a little angry and embarrassed with myself when I tell people - it sounds so obvious. It makes me feel like a bit of a failure..
We have to apply for his visa to Australia this month - I'm his sponsor.
It has tripled in price over the last year and a half and is VERY complicated. This is a huge commitment. His parents have offered to pay - they are desperate for us to stay together. He said he'll pay them back too, so there's more debt to add to his collection and he has his student loans from uni.
We have been doing all the paper work for the visa, but I just think how can I trust him in the future? How can I get over this anger?
I have money, I'm 26 years old, I'm ambitious, I'm independent - should I move on? He was my first real boyfriend, am I an idiot biding my time for him to really screw me over? Have I not experienced a real healthy relationship? Or is this just life with its hurdles and struggles, that I seem to keep hitting into no matter how hard I try to avoid them?
I don't have much faith in people "changing" - due to previous experiences.
I can tell he's really committed - he said he got comfortable and took advantage. I used to get angry at him when we got to a new country because he would be so lazy and unambitious. My brother said he's worried he's "just riding my coat tails".
I just get scared he'll slip into his old ways when we get to Australia and his little lies and manipulations will be so subtle again I wont notice them. So I reassure myself, but these fears creep back in every so often.
It doesnt help every Gambler my family knew lost everything and there love ones really suffered the most.
Can anyone provide any advice how they forgive? Or release their anger? I've written a lot of letters that seem to help a bit...
But sometimes I now get really angry over small things that are unrelated (like not being able to find my keys) - I'm a little worried repressed anger is manifesting itself in day to day things...
Hi,
Brilliant first post, Sorry to hear of what's going on. Sounds like things are tough.
This is coming from my point of view, now I gamble/d and have been aiming to stop, one of the main focuses to stop was my girlfriend. I noticed our relationship starting to break down because of gambling but after hours of talking it was in MY own personal willingness to stop. He should be thinking the same especially if your looking to move to Australia. It's a very very big deal and if he's got the right attitude to it he should outlay everything with you now before the huge commitment.
It sounds like you need to take a good long look at what you want. Could you take another relaspe after he moves to Australia? - Why are his parents so desperate to keep you two together, are you being used as his crutch? - I think you need to talk to him and clearly explain all your fears. You are 26 so a yound woman and despite him making you happy is that enough? I often do dumb things which upset my gf and she is 25, I often feel she would be better off without me and we would be better off finding people better suited to ourselves because sometimes its such an effort to reconcile after mistakes are made. I love my gf and want to marry her, but a part of me wonders if she would be better off without me. Ive never got into debt over gambling but my mood swings when i gamble are terrible and that impacts her I know it but at the same time I am ambitious and put up with alot of her c**P (though id say im more forgiving)
You are about to make a massive commitment. You suggest he isn't that motivated to build himself and you have feelings of supporting him without getting that back. I have 2 female friends in the same position with their bfs and they are bitter as hell about it. You need to address why he acts in such a way as long term thats going to bite you in the a*s if you are ambitious whether that stems from gambling or something else.
You have a big decision to make, this will majorly impact your life and you are only 26 - you can start again...... I often think me and my gf have stayed together because we think we have committed 7 years so it would be a waste to split but the reality is if its not going to work long term you're simply wasting time.
Good luck!
Hi again,
Thank you all so much for your replies.
And thank you for the compliment Michael CG.
I do think I need more time. I spoke to my partner again last night. re-hashing everything.
I think I do need to read up more on the addiction (Thank you 'Halflife' for the recommended reads).
I didn't feel like I was bottling up my feelings because I really felt I layed into him and spoke to so many people, but I guess I still have more to say..
My problem is I have such a fear of the future. I know I couldn't handle a relapse. He knows that.
I have dealt with people and addictions before. And I've told him once you relapse, if I take you back it would happen again. I know I would feel certain of it. He would get conditioned to think I would just accept him regardless and I would be insanely resentful if that was our relationship.
My mother said "of all the people to do it to, he must know by now you can't let things go."
She is right, I do have a real problem forgiving people.. and I'm trying to work on it...
I'm in love with him. It has been four years, but the amount of time doesn't really affect the value of the relationship for me - maybe because I am still quite young? Whereas he used to say "we've been together 4 years don't you know me??" (He can't say that anymore.)
It's just that I have been so happy with him and I feared if I went home I'd realise I lost something special that made me happy because I was scared to try. And then I would be miserable and alone dealing with my family's issues and my own regret.
We've also travelled the world living together in four different countries, as well as a month farming overseas. We've spent 24/7 together - that's why I was so surprised he managed to keep this from me at all.
He understands me and went through all that with me. But I know I would drop him in a heartbeat if he betrays me again.
I am trying to be hypervidulant with his accounts. It has been challenging because I've never had a credit card, loans or debt - I think that made it a lot easier for him to manipulate me.
I do still feel so naive, so all of your advice is very helpful.
When we were originally breaking up we did start planning to go home to our prespective countries and he was looking into counselling in the UK and talking to his parents about treatment. He really didn't think I'd take him back - neither did I. And he has repeatedly said if he goes back to gambling he's lost it for himself. So, he is saying the right things and I do believe he means it now. But time seems to twist the truth and it's more my fear of his complacency returning and that turning into a lie.
He says he can prove to me that he can do it, by working hard, getting permanent counselling and keeping gamble free.
I just felt so secure in our relationship before... how can you trust any of it? How do you get any reassurance back?
I guess time will tell...? 🙁
Hi,
You seem to feel bad about not letting things go and about being angry. My question is, why? I think anger at being on the receiving end of what active addicts dish out is quite normal. There's a distinction to be drawn between allowing yourself to feel anger at a wrong done to you, which is instinctive, and allowing that anger to corrode you long term, which isn't good for you. Never mind anyone else's interests in brushing the proverbial under the carpet, your anger should be dealt with, by you, for you, in counselling or however else you see fit, so that it doesn't damage you long term. That's quite different from the addicts around you manipulating you into feeling that you have to forgive the unforgivable and accept the unacceptable because it's somehow wrong of you not to. In this context, I would question the motivation of your mother's comments.
I would advise you to find out what your proposal to sponsor him in Australia actually involves. If he continues to gamble or relapses, running up debts, what exactly will that mean for you? Educate yourself generally about this addiction, read stories from both sides of the forum so that you know what you're dealing with. If you can get to GamAnon, it's worth it.
Generally, you're in some danger of having your life depend on what an addict that you're involved with is doing. That's no good for you, focus on yourself and what you want for yourself.
Take care of you.
CW
Hi, CW makes as always some very important points, she hurts me at times because I am a CG, and what she says is the truth, CG's are weak when an addicative behavioural trait is present in you. I deserve to lose my partner, I have always treated her with respect, love, and care (we never argue) but instead of placing our relationship on the pedestal any proper relationship deserves I have let my chasing of gambling losses more important than our future together. I have a problem with money, I want what I had 6 years ago,and instead of letting go and valuing what i have, a loving relationship and partner, I have jeopardised this for the pursuit of money. So i deserve to lose her. BUT LOVE KICKS IN, I LOVE HER, so i can't tell her - its a terrible situation. But I really feel for you, as you don't have the mind of a CG so understanding the addication is very hard, I really feel for you, because YOU LOVE HIM. LOVE HEY, its an issue. He is young enough to stop, but will he?, has he reached his rock bottom. Takes a lot sometimes, a lot, everything you own, I can't advise what to do, but I think you need to focus on you as CG say's. Good luck.
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