Hello - I have not written before and I am afraid what will come next is a long regurgitation of what has happened in my life, but I have to get this out. Although I am not expecting a reply, my diary no longer seems enough and I just want to know that I have shared this. My family and friends just don't seem to understand what I am going through.
My ex and I were together for 8 years; our relationship ended the day after our "8th" anniversary - now over a year ago. He has a gambling addiction, which he has kept secret from me ​nearly the whole of our relationship. I say nearly because there had been a period of money problems about 2 years into the relationship - and at that time, I knew he had lost some small somes on betting. I was clearly naive, but at 24 years old - at that time, student loan debts and poor money management seemed plausible and I never dreamed the extent of what was going on. As we grew up and established our relationship over the years, the earlier signs (if I can call them that) were all resolved and we were building towards a future together - talking of marraige; saving for a deposit.
Occasionally I would get frustrated with our lot. I couldn't understand why two hard-working (and I was - so many late nights; weekends of home working) professional adults were not further ahead in life. Friends were buying houses; settling down; going on nice holidays ... while neither of us drove or had a car; always seemed hard-up and I was going to the cheapest places even for things like a hair cut. I put it down to where we lived (demographically an expensive place) and the difficulty people often have renting and trying to save for a deposit. I could see the savings, small as they were, gradually building-up and there was always some plausible explanation ... flights purchased to visit family; unexpected costs of this or that.... so what was to question? And so it was - for years.
Then in the Summer of 2015, we were talking about getting engaged (laterly I found out he'd told my family how he was going to propose) and enjoying time together. After a lot of discussion, I had decided to leave my long-term job (unhappy at work and 3 hour commute each day) and have time to decide what I really wanted to do; a career change. 3 weeks later - the truth about the gambling came out; together with the knowledge of the financial mess it had got us in (he had used my credit card to gamble - sometimes £1000 a day and almost all our savings had been taken). More than that, how long it had gone on for and who "knew". His siblings had collectively loaned him £8k, which he was paying back monthly. He had arranged for part of his wage to get paid into a different account, so when we did "our finances" - I was never the wiser. I never questioned his salary. I trusted him. The inheritance he had received from his grandmother £10k - which I had been told had paid off the student debts (the issues of our early relationship) was squandered and of course those debts still stood. Everything - EVERYTHING was just thrown into turmoil and I couldn't beleive, or possibly write, how much it affected. I was devastated. But even in the immediate knowledge, all I cared about was him. I felt so sorry for him. So sad for what had happened. So lost at what to do. I left for about a week - but I knew already that I didn't want to leave him and wanted to make a go of it.
I should have been worried straight away ... he didn't seem to want me back. He kept trying to "let me go". He was sorry, but there was absolutely no fight for what we'd had. It was like I had to persuade him to work at it. I took him to a GA meeting (it hwas one of the saddest experiences of my life - all those people affected; the loss) and went with him each week (sitting in the car). From September to May ... that is how long we "lasted". I did try ... in the first weeks; months. We redecorated; got a car - spent money (stupid!) to have a fresh start. But the relationship just couldn't recover. We were never intimate. All of that was lost. I couldn't bring myself to say "I love you" anymore. I was angry and lost. I couldn't trust him. His depression became so overwhelming (he once took off and slept in the car for 3 days ... I didn't know where he was). I couldn't cope and the more he withdrew; the more I did and the angrier I became. He also became bitter - would say hurtful things. But the truth is, both of us didn't do enough. I regret so much not being able to fogive more easily. I hate myself for things said in anger and for pushing him away. The truth is, I wanted him to apologise. I didn't feel that he was trying enough. I felt that he should be doing everything in his power to win back my trust; win back my affection. But he didn't. He didn't touch me; didn't hug me; didn't say he loved me .... he just closed up.
After a "failed" anniversary, I said I couldn't carry on as we were. He said he didn't want to carry on at all. For nearly a week, I didn't think it was serious. But he was. As it transpired, he had already made the decision - as it came out his brother had recently left his wife (news to me) and they had planned to move in together. The next 4 months were a mess. Sometimes he stayed at the house; mostly he was away. But we were still in each others lives. I resigned (had got a job in a shop to tide me over - having left my career before the bombshell) and decided to move back to my family (in Scotland). Throughout this period and long after I returned to Scotland, I told him how I felt. That this isn't what I wanted; that I loved him. He would reply that he loved me to, but that it was over and was "killing him to keep trying".
We kept in contact for a bit. He paid me back some of the money we had agreed (he had recieved a redundancy payment) but I ended up in a financial mess myself owing to credit issues he'd caused (taking out contracts in my name); being landed with the new car. I even lent him some money (by that point he had been in GA for almost a year, so I did genuinely believe he was struggling becuase of new job pay delays etc). Suffice to say, he got himself into a mess all over and I have said that he doesn't need to pay me back the rest of the money. I was just so overwhelmingly sad for him. I encouraged him to go to counselling; which he said he did - who knows.
For a while, there was odd communication - but eventually, I told him that I couldn't keep making myself vulnerable. He seems to have taken that as a sign not to contact me. But I couldn't. I feel like it has been me that has opened up - I wrote him a letter, just expressing everything that I felt. The loss of everything we had; everything we could have had. I honestly could see myself growing old with him. I have never been with anyone before - no boyfriend etc - he is absolutely my first love; waitinged until I was 23 and then met my best friend. And now he's gone. I just can't comprehend my life now. Approaching 33 and have nothing... no career; no home (staying in my sister's spare room - thank goodness for her generosity); no relationship.... just this aching hole. I am stunnned. It is over a year since he called an end to it and I just don't understand where the time has gone. It feels like it JUST happened. My family and friends don't mention him; don't ask how I am; ask if I am dating etc. It's so insensitive. I have absolutely no intention of ever dating again. I don't want to even think about it. I have accepted my relationship is over and cannot go back, but why would I ever put myself in this position again? People break-up all the time. I understand that. People say they love more than any other. But I was so sure of my future; so sure of our relationship standing
the test of time - so sure and all of that has been dashed. I can't turst anything and have absolutely no confidence to move forward; I don't know how to make any decisions -about my future; about my career path. ANYTHING.
And to top it all off - I feel guilt. He is the one with depression (although I know it might seem I do) and this awful addiction. I promised to be there for him. I told him that if he ever needed a friend, to let it be me. That I wanted to be there for him. That I loved him. And I just couldn't do it. I have suspended all contact. It just hurt too much. I was constantly waiting by the phone for a text. Driving myself insane with what he was doing. He didn't want me. He didn't want to try or keep going. He didn't love me enough and I have to wonder if he ever loved me at all; I know the gambling is all consuming, but the lengths he went to to deceive me; always with this false future dangling in front of me. How can someone do that do someone they love? How can they look you in the eye and talk about marriage when they know they've gambled away all the savings? that they could never commit to that life?
It isn't fair. I have been left with nothing. I am a shell of myself. And yet, I am also the one who feels guilt. I am the one who seems to carry the memories and can't move on. It is so unjust. I had such a promising future when we met ... fresh out of a Masters. Now it's another year gone - just wasted in grief. 33 year old, failure - who was blindsided, but clearly also a fool.
Hello Raw013
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Hi, I had to leave a comment because you are obviously in so much pain. Firstly I have to tell you that things WILL get better even though it seems like they won't at this point. You are still young and can move on and have a happy life with someone else who won't put you through this pain but give yourself the time and space to properly grieve for your past relationship. It sounds like as hard as it is that you really need to let him go once and for all and perhaps this is why your family don't ask about him because this is what they believe too and probably feel like you need to let go.
At the age of 33 I left my husband with no car (I think he sold mine), no house of our own, no kids and only debt to show for a 16 year relationship. I supported him time and time again and things were always good for a while but always slipped back to a bad place because addiction needs to be constantly managed or else it will ruin those suffering from it and those closest to them.
I had to live with me parents when I moved out, 6 months on i'm enjoying a great job, have a car back on the road, a place of my own, seeing friends and family and basically doing positive things for me. It isn't always easy, it's scary being alone when I was with someone I genuinely loved since I was a teenager but the relationship was holding me back and I gave far too much of myself to try and help him when I really should have put focus on myself.
How I am getting through is by remembering that I can't look too far into the future and worry about what's coming next but to try and see the positives in what's happening now. It sounds like a Gamanon meeting would be a good 1st step for you and try to broach the subject of your ex with your family and tell them how you're really feeling. You are only 33 and you have a life of possibilities ahead of you, please take care and keep posting x
Hi Raw013. I have been there, feeling that loss when someone has hurt you so badly. Having made plans and had them completely shot down. I was pregnant and had a miscarriage a month before I found out about my husbands gambling. I was about to start a family. He had made me believe everything was okay, I had reservations but they were unfounded because he treated me well and supported me through the loss. Then I found out and it all came crashing down. I didnt know who I was, I didnt know what to do, I tried staying with him for a bit and just made myself ill.
But I have been slowly been rebuilding my own self and my own independence. I became focussed on my work, i have booked a singles holiday, I'm doing loads of walking, I live with my parents now until my finances are back up together. I was one of the lucky ones as we only had a joint account for our bills. Reading these posts you find so many have been through the same, and they have been able to deal with it. You can too. it will take time, determination and LOTS of tears, I still have them now occasionally. but you have a supportive place here and with gamcare in general. As Horizon82 says above, take each day as it comes, dont look at the future too much. Find things you enjoy. Any old hobbies you had once and gave up. Any hobbies you have now focus on those. The fact you have your sister helping you is a very good thing. And time will heal x
Thank you both - it is a strange thing to receive support & kind words from strangers, but I am so grateful to you. I find nights the worst time, as there are so few distractions & last night I just felt I needed to say some of what was in my chest. Thank you for taking time to reply.
I am working (hard), albeit it is not really a career & I know I will have to somehow explain these last two years to employers. But I am keeping busy & seeing friends. I know life goes on & I am getting up everyday; I guess it's just I don't have any enthusiasm. Everything seems a bit tainted. I feel angry sometimes, but so rarely- I mostly feel sorrow & guilt. So much guilt & fear that I couldn't make him happy; more, that I contributed to his unhappiness. I just wish I had some closure - some acknowledgement from him.
I know I am not alone - your experiences prove that - it's just that it's been nearly 2 years since everything came out & a year since he called an end & still I find myself crying every single day. Sometimes guttural sobs (I actually feel like my chest hurts with loss) & sometimes just tears over a memory. I am glad to read that you are both moving forward & finding strength to live life for yourselves. I just feel like the experience has so negatively impacted me, that I'm a version of myself I don't like. I feel I was the worst version of myself with him (latterly - angry; bitter) & now I'm mistrustful. Everything, including relationships with friends & family, seem superficial. I just carry on, with all this under the surface. And my biggest fear, is that the thing I won't be able to forgive myself for, is not keeping my promise to be there for him. Despite everything (leaving me; the debts & the taking of more money); I promised to be his friend.
Again, thank you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone & I am so sorry to read if your own struggles & tragedies. Thank you for sharing them with me & encouraging me to look to the future. I can't picture the future at all now, so definitely one day at a time (just hope this groundhog day doesn't last forever). Wishing you both, and everyone with experiences like ours, health & happiness going forward x
You mentioned he went to GA, did you get any support for yourself? I had counselling whilst he was having his, and it really did help. She helped to explain what gambling addiction was about, how I fitted in with it, and generally dealing with it. She pointed me to a self-help book and as cheesey as it was there were some excercises in it that have worked, including some mindfulness, grounding, and other excercises. Maybe you need a bit of that to help deal with the emotions you are having?
One thing that stuck in my mind, was that you can only do the best that you are able given the circumstances. It is not your fault he has done this. I also promised my husband I would be there for him, when it came out. But he wasnt planning to be there for himself, and i couldnt cope with the responsibility he palmed off on me. I know now that it wasnt my responsibility to look after/ "rescue" him, all i can do is what is right for me at the current time and considering everything else happening.
Who knows if you will trust again, I dont know how easy I will find it. And it gets me down when all my friends are having families and have someone they truly trust in their lives. But i am taking this opportunity to reinvent myself, find out who I am again. I'm thinking of taking up hobbies i did at uni and stopped. I, like you, am 30 and I have friends in their 50's who tell me how young I still am, we just have to remember this, and think this blip is only that - a blip. It can only get better from here x
Hi Raw,
It saddens me to read the damage this horrible addiction has caused you and hope things eventually turn round for you.
I’m not proud to admit that I was the compulsive gambler in my relationship and at the time did not know how my actions where effecting those around me but now after over 18 months gamble free I can see how horrible life must be living with a compulsive gambler. Unfortunately my relationship never survived and I saw firsthand the carnage and devastation I left behind. As much as I loved her, splitting up was the best thing to happen to both us, it didn’t feel like that at the time trust me, If I had been given another chance I more than likely would have taken advantage of it manipulated situations to allow me to gamble. again, and that would not have been fair to her or my son.
It must be very difficult for her to trust again and I could see the suffering in her eyes for the first 12 months or so but slowly she has got back on her feet and is now in a new relationship and seems happy which I am happy about.
Don’t give up on life I’m not saying you are ready to jump into a relationship just yet but never say never, you might be surprised they are some good people out there and in time you might find someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated and puts that smile back on your face. For now just take things a day at a time and make sure you’re the number one priority.
KTF
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