How to secure your own finances when cohabiting

Hi B, soz, I know you wanted loved ones to respond & I think you'll need to get him to agree to signing it over but I'm just wondering if you'd be better off looking to put a charge over the property instead. It will need to be done through a solicitor but I did it when I stumped up a deposit out of wedlock (about 10 years ago) & recall it costing me about £1000.

Sadly the reality of living with a CG is that left unchecked, the bottom could fall out of your finances @ any given time. If he's committed to GA & getting himself sorted, there is no reason why he will relapse (despite what people think, it's not part of recovery) but the reality of it is we have this for life & I know for me, I like knowing that my finances can be interrogated @ any given second.

Don't ever feel bad for protecting yourself, you have to do what is right for you - ODAAT

Morning,

My heart always sinks when I read that an active CG has managed to get a mortgage. It's complicated, sorry. What follows are pointers, absolutely not legal advice.

The issue isn't his willingness or otherwise to sign over. It's the mortgage lender, who needs to agree to any transfer of the house. They made their lending decision based on his circumstances and yours and long term you need a fresh mortgage offer in your sole name, to pay off the existing mortgage and start again. In other words, the house and the mortgage have to be in the same names. You need your own Solicitor and he might as well; the firm that bought the house for you are unlikely to take you on because he was also their client. It will cost you in fees short term but better to deal with it as best you can.

Short term, you can protect your deposit to some extent. There should already be a written agreement between you as to what happens to the equity, especially if you provided the deposit. It should have been done or at least offered when you bought the house. Your Solicitor can check this and also advise you about separating your share of the house from his.

Make an appointment to see a competent Solicitor and an independent financial advisor as a priority.

Hope this non advice helps.

CW

Hi

I will contact a solicitor, but as you can see i am posting in the evenings when things are occuring to me and i am looking for some advice from people who may have gone through the same thing as me.

Thank you for your advice. I am currently in the process of sorting all of this out and also seeing whether there is any way of salvaging our relationship when the trust is shattered. Im sure too many of you on here know what its like to have been supportive when the CGwas initially found out/admitted but to feel completely broken when the relapse has happened.

It is made worse by the fact that the lies had been going on for over 6 months and whilst we were moving in together (just after we stopped running credit checks on my OH - once our mortage had been okayed.)

Has anyone got any experiences of overcoming a second time? It is much harder this time because all i can respond with is "you said this last time" and the dear that he could by lying and i wouldn't know.

Morning,

First time round, I got lies, denials, manipulation and blame. He said that he wouldn't "invest" in spread betting any more but it continued unabated behind my back. I walked on eggshells respecting his "privacy" (secrecy) for almost another four years but I needn't have bothered.

This time round, in a bid to stop gambling and stay at home, he cooperated with SE, handing over financial control, credit checks etc. And he's been going to regular meetings for about fifteen months. We both work on the assumption that he can't be trusted with money. Everything is in my name apart from one account in joint names from which I administer his allowance. There is no overdraft facility, the balance is minimal and I have told the bank that I don't authorise loans or gambling transactions. He did sign over the flat, (reluctantly) but the transfer is open to challenges from creditors for a few more years (he would have to leave if he did produce any creditors).

The GamAnon advice is to separate love and trust. I trust my colleagues/GP/bank without loving any of them, I don't trust him.

As to recognising the lies? The trouble is, active CGs are effective liars. In the absence of physic powers, you get an instinct from the behaviour that you should ignore at your peril. If you smell a rat, it's not your paranoia, it's because you have reason to believe that there's one there and therefore the smell should be investigated. A CG in recovery won't expect to be trusted. However, the GamAnon advice is not to interrogate. You may be inviting the lie and you won't believe his answer anyway so it won't reassure you. Rely on what you see in financial documents (statements, credit reports etc). And rely on your own instincts and judgement.

Look after yourself.

CW

Half-Life wrote:

Hi again

The blunt truth is if a CG is determined to gamble they can get round any barrier yiou have in place. I found this out when Mr HL had been bailed out completely but went back at it changing the logins to the credit reports so I couldn't see the new loans and the secret bank account he was channelling them through racking up then spinning me a line (which we're only too anxious to believe). He was also draining the kids savings and channelling funds through my son's bank account.

Since then I check everything on a near daily basis just to make sure I can login. I pay for email alerts that will let me know if anything changes in between credit report updates and I also open his post. Savings are in my sole name and the house was signed over to me a few years back. Life insurance polices are in trust to keep them beyond the reach of potential creditors. It's absolutely fine not to trust them around money. Mr HL knows the abuses of trust he inflicted are the cause and he accepts the consequences. He carries no cash and shows me receipts for what he spends on the joint account so I can see he's not taking out cash on the sly. He has as much input into purchases as he ever did and he can look at the bank accounts anytime he likes but he will never have unscrutinised access to them again.

Hi - What email credit alerts did you sign up to? I'd like to do the same and i'm happy to pay for a bit more peace of mind.

Cynical Wife - How did you broach that conversation with the bank? I'm thinking of ringing the bank, explaining my OH is CG and saying i don't authorise any lending against the house and any changes to the mortgage need to be made with both of us there in person. Is this possible?

Hi,

Despite his gambling career, we don't have a mortgage and I'd like to keep it that way. I didn't need a lender's consent, he signed the transfer for the flat but refused to sign any private document setting out the agreement between us. We didn't divorce, but he could try to claw it back if we did. Also there is an unlikely possiblity that if he were to run up credit behind my back, his unpaid creditors could try to claw back his share of the flat for up to five years. Far fetched but I would hate to be the one it happens to.

I wrote to the bank by snail mail and resent the letter. Not the local branch but the main customer services centre. They didn't reply but they have the letters. I don't think telephoning an overseas call centre will get you very far. As to your house and the mortgage, unless he resorts to forgery, no transactions can take place without joint signatures. Would repeat earlier advice to consult a Solicitor and an IFA.

As to the emotional side? It is NOT going to resolve quickly, it took a long time for the problems to brew and there are no quick fixes. I was prepared to try (subject to two ultimatums) because of the kids and for far less noble reasons like avoiding disruption and sticking with the devil I know. He has made and continues to make a huge effort to change but it's been really difficult. Easier now but not plain sailing. I can remember now (at least some of the time) why I thought it was a good idea to marry him.

If you have doubts, don't ignore them and don't feel bad for having them. Repeat advice to call the helpline and find a GamAnon meeting.

Keep the focus on you.

CW