Husband's gambling has devastated me

Hi, sorry to hear what you're going through. The answer is no, you're not being a bad wife in any way. 5 months after we got married my husband came to me and told me he owed £5,000 to loan sharks who were going to hurt him if they didn't get paid. I of course paid this off, like your husband he then was good for a couple of months before it started all over again...the cycle continued for close to 5 years before I walked out a couple of months ago. Was it the right decision for me? Without a doubt, it was so tough but we're still talking and he actually seems to be doing much better now he's had to sort himself out.
It's so unfair your savings and future are being compromised and if it continues my advice would be to step back, that doesn't necessarily mean moving out but maybe just let him sort his own issues, debts out....love from a distance. I can honestly say life is so much better now I've detached myself from him. I will always love and care for him but it's a huge relief to not live with the day to day worry that comes with living with a CG.
Good luck x

Having very much been the man you describe, if I were you I would walk !

Tough love...Yes!

But if you are not 100 percent certain he is fully committed to stopping he never will be, and will hurt you and your son time and time again.

Ultimatums dont work with addicts either, they have to want to get well themselves, unless you are sure that he does and is working at it 100 percent....then you and your son WILL get hurt time and time again.

Sorry, this wont be what you want to hear/read, but It is the very likely outcome.

If you have any goodwill left, draw one last and very clear line in the sand and the minute you know him to have crossed it, walk.

The good news is that If he wants it enough, he can stop!

Positive thoughts

Sbb

Thanks for your advice. I feel as though I should leave if I think it's going to happen again but this time I'm just not ready to go yet. It's still worth fighting for although I don't know if I'm just being naive. I think I maybe need him to let me down one more time so that I know I've tried everything I could. I have control of all the accounts now and he's gave me passwords for his online banking so I can check to make sure there's no new loans or anything. Also I am checking his credit file daily to make sure there's been no new loans or overdrafts. He's on board with all this I know it wouldn't work if I was forcing it. I think now the only way he could gamble is by borrowing money from someone dodgy which really frightens me. Is there any other ways of looking after things that I haven't thought of? I'm not trying to trick him I just want to know that I have covered everything for my own peace of mind. He's admitted it's so bad that he can't carry any money which is going to be a real pain. I'm prepared to do all this if he's actively trying and going to meeting etc. I really hope we can get through it but I feel like he's broke me this time so I'm not sure x

Is there counselling offered to gamblers? Either 1 on 1 or for couples? We're not sure if it's just meetings or if he could ask his doctor to refer him somewhere for extra help.

BKL31 wrote: Is there counselling offered to gamblers? Either 1 on 1 or for couples? We're not sure if it's just meetings or if he could ask his doctor to refer him somewhere for extra help.

Free counselling can be arranged through this site. I recommend it !

Sbb

Hi I'm in exactly the same shoes as you, right down to the not ready to walk just yet to know I tried before walking and I remain hopeful. How old is your little boy? I told my husband that I can't promise we will make it through this time but that I would give it a shot. I said that if we separate I would never come between him and our 3 year old because she is his one redeeming feature. But I pointed out that she would get to an age where she asks questions and it will be up to her to make her mind up about how her dad let her down. He has been to every ga meeting and he turns on the 'find friends' on iPhone when he goes so I can see he's there. I have taken a different stand This time. I protected him last time, kept it hidden, paid things off. This time our close friends and family all know. Yes he's humiliated but he needs to understand the consequences. I'm trying to get my head round the fact that it is an 'illness' but I struggle with that having never gambled because like you I question how you can place that bet and risk losing everything. We almost lost our home before Christmas and thankfully my parents helped us. Now anything of importance / monetary value is in my name. I agree with others that he's got to want it. My husband has certainly gone about things differently this time. Last time it was £100k yet he didn't think he 'was like them' at ga. so he never went back. We didn't put any practical measures in place as I didn't think he could get credit. I didn't realise that he's easy money for payday loans. So this time he's handed control to me, sticking to meetings and 'appears' to be commited to getting better. My advice to you as someone who is sharing exactly the same feelings is don't do it alone and don't feel bad. None of this is your fault. You need to plough your energy into ensuring stability for your son with or without your husband. It's sad, it's really sad but you are already stronger than you think for getting this far. Good luck xx

I don't feel strong I feel pathetic for being in this position. If it was a friends husband I'd tell them to leave but it's so hard when it's actually you it's happening to. He's the most amazing husband and dad if you put the gambling aside so I think that's why I keep trying. It's happened regularly, about every 6 months or so since we've been together, so I know I'm naive to think it will stop. I have control of everything and he's at the moment determined to stick with meetings. It's just the worry of what he could do next to get the money (I keep thinking loan sharks and that terrifies me). I'm also struggling to not just hate him and be bitter. We both have good jobs and earn good money and I'm so angry that at the moment we can't offer our son more because we have to pay off his debts. Do you find when your husband goes to meetings he stops gambling? Mine says when he goes he doesn't gamble but he talks himself out of going because he hates the groups and the people. I know it's going to be a daily thing and we'll have to speak about it all the time. Our son is 2. In the week my husband was out of the house, after I put him out, I found out I was pregnant. We've been trying for ages and a month ago I'd have been so happy bit now I'm just devastated because I'm adding someone else into the mix that's life it could ruin. I haven't told him yet because I don't know what it will do to the dynamic. I feel like it's all unravelling x

Do not feel pathetic at all!!! You are not pathetic! Far from it.

Honestly reading your post it's like you're writing on my behalf. I said to my husband that if it was someone else I would advise them to leave, they deserve better, they've given more then enough chances. Yet here we both are giving them that chance - again! My husband only started ga in November so early days yet. 8 years ago he got into a mess and only went to one group because same thing hated it, couldn't relate to the others - because he wasn't ready to accept that he was in the same boat. This time (so far ... I won't get complacent!) he is sticking at it and I only have his word that he's not gambling. It's stressful because I'm not his mother I'm his wife and I shouldn't have to have the burden of keeping us above water when he's a grown man. Part of me thinks it's similar to dealing with the 3 year old - don't make threats you're not prepared to follow through, ignore the tantrums etc. Not what I signed up for but just like your husband mine is a good man aside from the gambling. I've asked him for total honesty and I return I've promised not to go mental!! I said if he had days where he was tempted or even days where he has a blip be it a 50p bet or an undesirable means of obtaining money then I want to know.

I really hope that the new addition to the family can heal some wounds. A baby will never be glue to mend cracks but you say your husband is a good father this is a real incentive to get better. How was he with your first pregnancy? You can't ignore that the need to provide could be a warped trigger despite going against all logic to us. You need to tell him though because you don't want unnecessary stress. Do you have family nearby. Your priority has got to be you and the two little ones. There is only so much support you can give to your husband. I would say trust your instincts!!

But don't ever feel pathetic. You can't help who you fall in love with.

I'm new to this site so I don't really know how it all works yet but I'll look out for your postings because I really hope you get through it as a debt free, gamble free family of 4! X

Hi BKL, welcome to the forum 🙂

Many people on here (including people that have never tried them) & I'm sure in real life hate the meetings, especially the people that aren't ready to quit. We're accountable there, people in exactly the same position as us blow our fairytales to smithereens & tell it how it is. Many people step into the rooms & among the heart wrenching therapies, we see our own 'little problem' & convince ourselves, I'm not as bad as 'them'! When people relapse they might get a pat on the back for coming straight back to the meeting but they don't get a big hug & told to carry on the way they are & it will be ok, they get told they need to take action. If he genuinely hates the group, he should get to another meeting & if he hates that group too then he decides which one he hates the least & stick with it. Funny how hard it is for us to look in the mirror & not like what we see...I spent a very long time judging other addicts but they've just done stuff I haven't done, yet! I'm in no position to judge & whether they're ever gonna end up as friends, I don't know but these people are the ones who climb into the abyss with us & show us the way out...I wouldn't refuse 'treatment from a healthcare professional if I didn't like them. You will need to have this as a minimum standard because we are adept @ talking others round to our way of stinking thinking & sustained meetings & working the recovery program will guide him away from the consistent relapsing. The find my phone tracker is one option, my now husband face-timed me when he was feeling anxious. This is not fool proof but I kept my phone on ring when I was doing something outside of the routine & expected him to be having concerns.

I think given the stress that you are experiencing & the recent pregnancy (I'm going to say congratulations because it is a huge deal & I hope you can start to relax & look forward to this in time) you really should consider getting yourself booked in for some counselling, whether he accepts it for himself too or not. GamAnon would also be a great place to go for real life practical support.

He may say he doesn't want to gamble but the constant relapsing is proof that he does & he will, what he means is he doesn't want to lose anymore. Took me way too long to recognise the difference, my mum still doesn't. It doesn't mean they don't love us, just that they aren't willing to do what it takes to accept gambling causes the problems, doesn't fix them! It's also an emotional issue (even for those of us, me, that struggle to accept it) so news of the new baby will likely be exciting & daunting @ the same time so you will need to decide what standards you need for your own sanity & insist he sticks to them because you're looking after all 4 of you now & that's a huge ask. The addicts that bought me up made mistakes but I'm fairly well adjusted & have an incredible life, you will ensure your babies have that, with or without him! You guys will need to talk but on your terms, he lost the right to call the shots when he let you down again.

Trust your instincts & look after you - ODAAT

I'm not sure he actually hates the people or the meetings he probably just hates that he has to go. I suppose sitting listening to a room full of people sharing similar experiences to his makes it hard for him to deny he has a problem. He seems committed to going this time (which he always does at the start) and then as time passes we just both have to stay vigilant and not stop talking about things. I've always asked for total honesty and said that if he's trying and communicating and comes to me and says he's had a slip up then I can't be angry with him and I'll help, but he never does, he always lies even when I find out and already know the truth he still tries to lie and that's when I get so angry because I realise he has no control over this and it's actually so serious. He was great the last time I was pregnant but still had the same issues with gambling. To honest I don't know what motivates or triggers him. Not sure if it's stress or something else. We have a good support network of family and friends who all think he's the most amazing man but even they as time has went on think I'm wasting my time. I'm really lost at the moment. I think I need to give it one more go for all our sakes and then I can move on knowing I done what I could x

I should add that he's also devastated and worried for the future, he's not sitting defiant while I break my heart. I feel like im betraying him by speaking like this. I do believe he wants to try that's not the problem, it's wether it will ever change that I'm not sure about x

Your not betraying him. He has done the betraying. I accidently fell into a gambling machine in the bookies. No debt, but realised that I had a problem. He has the problem. Your gut feeling is the right one. You have a little one, and one on the way. The stress of managing everything, when you need an equal partner is not to be under-estimated. You need to do what is right for you. The fact that you doubt that he will not gamble again, probably answers your question. I sincerely and truely wish you every happiness for the future. Make decisions that are right for you and the two little ones.

Julie x

Thanks everyone for the support. I feel better for talking about things. Wishing you all luck x

Wanting to & doing are not the same. Mostly we want to do it our way even after years of knowing our way doesn't work. My mum does the same, even when faced with overwhelming evidence she still can't bring herself to be truthful, it's very hurtful. I was ill in bed once when she stole money from my wardrobe. She denied it & I was mortified that I had been 'burgled whilst I slept' with her only owning up because I was going to call the police. I'm like an elephant & have bought this up many times over the years (like one of those stories that you hear so much even if it weren't true you would think it was) & yet she brushes me away whenever I drag out the big guns & says she doesn't remember. How do you not remember a distraught child, sobbing because she thinks she's been violated & it was you that did it?!? She went to a meeting with a friend, didn't like it. Has no home to call her own, has alienated all of her friends, pawned family jewellery, regularly spins my Nan yarns about why she needs money (mostly involving me being a female dog) & yet she won't accept she has a problem...It's a sobering thought recognising it. Don't let him kid you he has no control. We choose to tell people that to justify our own stupidity but ultimately no-one has a gun to our head. He not only chooses to gamble but he chooses to compound his guilt & your pain by lying through his teeth to you, no-one controls the words out of his mouth but him. This is a progressive 'illness' (if you must) but it can be arrested if he is willing to do what it takes & so far, he has done nothing more than pay you lip service. Gambling hurts, it promises us so much but it takes our soul so yes, he is sitting sad with you when you are faced with another relapse but you have every right to be angry. You being here is as far from a betrayal as you can get. You have to figure out for both of you how to move forwards & that means getting support for you from anywhere that you can find it. He can't fix himself, you can't fix him but you can help you & in turn find out what your best options are for supporting him, if you have the energy. It can change but you have to put you 1st because he has this for life, there is no cure. You love him & you hate him all in the same breath, I know how it hurts from a mother-child perspective but our feelings count for nothing I'm afraid. Keep posting, keep purging, don't forget to call the helpline in hours if you need a bit of professional support. I wish I had a magic wand, I really do, but I don't so I wish you every strength as you try & figure out your future - ODAAT