I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down

Hi Newmum,

Thanks for sharing your story, i'm actually on the other side of this. I'm the one that gambled away a lot of money and I'm the one that wants to divorce my wife (we have daughter together), to protect them. I want to stop and I'm putting things together to do that, but I am afraid I will mess up again and I dont want them to suffer. I have debts - they have our savings.

We gamblers are great liars... and we hate it when someone catches us out. I've also previously had arguments with my wife, sort of blaming her in a way etc. I was total idiot - and I'm surprised we are still together to be honest.

I love her and I love my daughter but I do think the best thing to do now is to separate and see if I can sort this mess out. I want them to keep everything we have.

I dont need anything - all I need, is to stop gambling. I would love to remarry her one day.... who knows...

Dear new mum, so sad to read your story. I'm wife of cg and was in similar situation to you when I had first child. Promised never again, no more gambling. Still gambling when had second child. Went to GA, I took over finance. Went for a year, cured, stopped going. Now the children are 14 and 17, back to GA. It's a rollercoaster, it's never ending until they decide to stop. It's the hardest addiction to beat. I can't give you advice on separating because we stayed together. I can say there have been many times I've thought about leaving, but here I am. Only you know if you have made the right decision. if he isn't stopping then you will be away from the madness. Call the helpline and talk if you want to. Keep your money separate. Make sure you don't pay his debt. Try not to worry about in laws they don't know what it's like to live with the stress. There is always a gamanon meeting for you or his parents to find out more. Try and just enjoy the baby x

Hi

Sorry to see this. An active CG will have us believing up is down if we let them. They are expert liars and manipulators and this one is playing you.

Sounds to me like you have taken the right decision. Life with an active CG who won't stop is a nightmare and until his family live it you should be discounting every unjust criticism of you they have made.

I'm another who stayed but Mr L is under no illusions about getting any further chances. My advice would be to look after your finances, make sure any proceeds you are due from the house sale aren't swallowed up into paying his debts and to keep putting yourself and the kids first.

like another poster, Im the CG. Im so sorry to hear the pain you have suffered. It's a small insight as to what I have done to my wife and two, almost three children. What I have done is entirely my fault, I have made all the choices, I also mastered the manipulation, I couldnt tell you when but at some point in the last twenty years I stopped bending truths and started full on lying. I have no idea at this point if my marriage will survive but we have stayed in the same house as the quickest way to repay the astronomical debt. One thing that has certainly helped me, despite numerous attempts to stop before is that my wife has full access to both of our credit files, all alerts go directly to her and I have been 100% honest and open, I have given her full password access to every account on my file. I now phone the debtors in her presence. I cant help but wish we had done this previously. Instead I fudged and manipulated, promised x y and z - with full, good intentions. By becoming a master at it, I managed to use my wife as an enabler - without her even releasing.

Protect yourself, stay firm and do not buckle.

One day he will thank you for it and if he doesnt then he really is an idiot

Best wishes and I hope you find some solid ground for yourself and your daughter

position. I'd love to speak over the phone if you could xthe exact same

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quote=Newmum]I've been reading others posts on here for a few months now and they've really helped me. I thought it was about time I posmyself. It's a long one though, I apologise. My husband and I have been together 8 years, married for 5. We have a 9 month old daughter together. I always knew he liked to gamble, started off as a footy bet on a Saturday and the fruits machines in the pub. I thought nothing of it when we were younger as i though well i like to get my nails done, and i smoked, so i just thought that was his thing. All of a sudden he was interested in horse racing and I started to see it as a problem a little over 2 years ago. I found he was gambling on a credit card, it was in his name but the debt on the card was joint so I had the online details and saw that he was making the odd small bet from the card. I flipped, told him if he can't afford to bet using his own physical money then he should be doing it at all. He apologised, said it wouldn't happen again, I continued to check the card online and he didn't do it again. I also told him if it happened again I would walk. A few months later we sold our 1st house and moved into another house. We took 10k equity out of the house to pay some debts off, including his cc and we were in a lovely new house almost debt free. We both had good well paid jobs and decided now would be a good time in our lives to start trying for a baby seen as we were financially stable. We fell pregnant very quickly and were so excited. We began saving money to enable us to give our child the best start and for me to take the full 9 months off on maternity leave and it enjoy it without worrying about money. Throughout the pregnancy we did nothing but argue, he started to become very aggressive and would constantly tell me he loved me but didn't like me and he would storm out and threaten to leave me on a regular basis. I just took it and tried to push forward. Fast forward to October 2016 and our beautiful little girl arrived. He was amazing to begin with then he started to get angry again. He was constantly on his phone, ignoring our daughter, this was the base of most of our arguments. We would go places and socialise but be glued to his phone. I knew he was gambling but he always told me it was only small bets and I couldn't suggest otherwise as there was no money missing from our accounts. One day I found a CC on his wallet that I didn't know about, he flipped saying I shouldn't be going through his things, he got very aggressive again and began to scare me. He made up some lie about the CC and I foolishly believed him. The arguments continued about him being on his phone and I began to think that me and his daughter would be better off on our own as he wasn't really involved in day to day life and the arguments were making me so unhappy. In March (the day before my very first mothers day) I noticed bets coming out of or joint account. I digged a little deeper and found out he'd transferred money from our CC into his own bank. This is when it all came out, he had a problem... a 10k problem. I couldn't believe it, deep down I knew something was going on but I couldn't prove it. Even my parents had said they thought he was hiding something big, due to the way he was acting. I asked him to leave and he started to threaten suicide. He left that night with his sister and I woke up on my very 1st mothers day heartbroken. That day he went missing, he wouldn't answer anyones calls, sent me message saying he's be better of gone. I had so many people out looking for him. I sent a text saying if I didn't hear from him in the next 15 mins I could call the police, he then called. He came home packed some stuff and moved to his mums, I said I needed space. Later that day his sister sat down with him to sort his debt out and got in touch with gamcare and stepchange. To find his debt was not 10k, but just over 20k, he still wasn't telling the truth. The original CC that we cleared with the money from the house he had kept and maxed out. He had another CC the one I had found in his wallet and also a 10k loan. He set up a debt management plan which would be in place for 14 years and got set up with one on one counselling. I took 2 weeks to concentrate on me and my daughter but decided to have him back and to give it another go. Everything seemed Ok, he made all the promises in the world, he was a better husband and a much better father to our daughter. But he couldn't get over my hurt and constant sadness. He expected me to be happy as he was happier now everything was out in the open. He couldn't understand that he turned my life upside down and that I was struggling with it all. The arguments continued, I wasn't giving him what he needed. His family accused me of not being there for him when he needed me and told me they'd never forgive me. How was I the one to blame in all of this? I'd done nothing wrong. We battled through for a few months trying to get back to normal. Money was tight anyway as I was on maternity leave and the savings were just paying the mortgage but running out. Neither of us were happy. Fast forward to today, my husband moved out 2 weeks ago, I asked for space, I think I had him back too quickly last time. I said I didn't want it over for good but I need to focus on myself just as much as he needed to focus on himself. He was hating work and ended up getting a sick note from the doctor and anti depressants. Within 2 days off him leaving we got into another argument in which he threw his wedding ring at me and told me he wanted a divorce. I was at the end of my maternity leave, due back last week, but I am now too off sick... I feel I am no where near ready to leave my daughter and go back to work all the while trying to come to terms with the fact that I am a single mum. I can not believe where I am and what my life has become. We've started discussing what's going to happen with the mortgage and sharing our daughter, he's even spoken about getting a solicitor. I never wanted any of this, I tried so dam hard but it was never good enough. I've taken 18 months of emotional abuse and I'm still being told I didn't do what was expected of me from the beginning. He isn't well mentally and doesn't know what's going on I'm his head most of the time. He's now thinking he's made the wrong decision and doesn't want to lose everything. I'm at the stage where I think a split is the best thing, too much has been said and done. His family have their opinions on me and my family are so disappointed in him. It could never be the same again. I would be saddled with his 14 year debt plans and the constant worry he may gamble again. I'm just mourning the life I always wanted, I thought I had my perfect little family and my happily ever after. I would love some help and advise especially from other parents and if anyone else has decided the best option is to split? Sorry it was so long, I've obviously been holding a lot in. Thank you.