Hi
Looking for some advice please.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We are supposed to be saving for a house together.
he told me at the start of our relationship that he used to have a gambling addiction but that he had therapy and overcame it. To be honest I was very naive and did not understand the extent of gambling addiction.
Around 10 months into our relationship I found out he was gambling again. I and his family supported him. He had borrowed money from friends and taken out high interest payday loans and I managed to win an affordability complaint on one of these for him and so the loan was written off. I also leant him £800 (I know I shouldn’t have) but I really wanted to get rid of the high interest he was paying. He made a plan to pay off the rest of his debts (which he did in around 6 months). I said he could pay me back once he had paid his debts off.
he already has Gamban set up for 5 years; he has the gambling block on his debit cards and he is banned from the local betting shop. His addiction was mainly slot machines.
in September this year he got a tax rebate. I mentioned that he would need to start paying me back now (he paid off his debts in June this year). He hadn’t mentioned paying me back at all. When I mentioned this he got a bit annoyed with me and said I had made him feel bad and that he had had a lot on and would pay me back soon, even though i said he could even pay me £100 a month if it was easier for him.
He paid me back just under half in October. He hasn’t mentioned the rest of the money since and I’ve now just accepted I won’t get that money back.
I have been anxious about his gambling all year to the extend it is severely impacting my life.
I regularly check in with how he’s feeling about gambling etc and he tells me he hasn’t gambled but I’ve had my suspicions.
but since the start of December his behaviour has massivley changed. I am 99% sure he is gambling and in money trouble again.
he cancelled plans with me last minute a few weeks ago and said he was feeling anxious and wanted to be left alone. I didn’t hear from him for a whole day and he refused to speak to me so I went to his house. He wouldn’t answer the door. He kept texting me to go away. He eventually came out the house but wouldn’t let me in. He went mental at me saying I am controlling, that I am always on his case (because he drives all over the country for work I always ask if he got home ok - he said I am controlling and want to know where he is), he said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Then when I said ok if that’s how you feel - he completely changed and said he is feeling too under pressure to buy a house and he is struggling. A few hours later he was acting normal with me saying he wants a future with me. The more I think about it the more I think this was him trying to push me away because he feels guilt about his gambling.
I asked him outright over Christmas if he is gambling, I said you can tell me I won’t be angry I will support you etc etc. He denied it but then said he’s placed some football bets through his friends (I think this is not the true extent of it - he said this last time. I suspect it is slots too).
the more I think about it the more I think he is behaving this way because he is gambling again. I suspect he gambles on the way home from work hence why he’s told me I’m not allowed to ask if he’s home anymore.
What should I do if he does not want to tell me he is gambling again? I understand why he doesn’t, but I want to help him before it gets worse.
thanks x
Hi ‘almost 2 years’. In that time have you felt in a loving healthy relationship? Why do you want to help him? Why is it severely impacting on you? Why hasn’t he paid the money back?
As you said in a all likelihood you won’t see that money again. Unfortunately you can’t help him. Paying loans etc let’s them play longer. From experience they don’t stop unless they want to. They have to put in all the blocks, stop access to money and change their behaviour.
Look after your finances, don’t be sucked into the lies. Imagine yourself in 5 years time if he hasn’t stopped.
a good book to read is ‘women who love too much.’ We are in no position to tell you to continue or give up, but realistically do you want a life like this?
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