Hello everyone,
I am new to this forum. I recently found out that my husband of only 2 months has gambling addiction. He came clean and handed over his finances to me, also started attending GA meetings.
I feel torn between compassion and love for him and deep hurt and grief over what we could have and done if he wouldn’t gamble for all these years. I also feel like our relationship and life together was one big lie. The sadness I am feeling is overwhelming. I’m not even angry anymore, just sad. And alone.
Its a huge responsibility to look after the finances, keeping the boundaries, be resilient. I’m so tired, I want to crawl under the rock and disappear.
I tried to educate myself about the addiction and I want to show my partner that there is a great life for him out there. Don’t want to deprive him and us from happiness and fun and memories we can build together. But then I feel like he is taking advantage of my compassion and that he won’t learn a lesson, if we get to do fun stuff. What is right or wrong here. And where I am in all that? Is there anyone looking our for me too, or am I all alone?
Hi
Thank for your honesty and sharing.
I was new to the recovery program some time ago.
He came clean to you and handed over his finances that took me along time to do that.
That is a very wise thing to do.
It is not for ever, once he values him self and money and gets some clean time, if possible worked with a sponsor will hel him become amuch healthier less vulnerable person.
He started attending GA meetings.
That takes courage and if he sticks with it will help a lot.
In time he will understand his emotional triggers and over come them.
Shirley my wife told me it was not about the money but about how much Lied and betrayed her.
If you can get to a healthy gamanon rooms willl help you.
It is understandable that you are feeling emotionally vulnerable and insecure.
Understanding that your angry is an unhealthy reaction to pains fears and frsutrations.
His insecurity has become your insecurity.
Addicts telling so many lies just indicates how much fear they are living in.
One of my big fears was that of being rejected and abandoned by my family.
Yes being married to an addict is not just sad and painful it is a persons security being put at risk.
You tried to educate your self about the addiction is very wise thing to do.
It is very rare for people to abstain from their addictions from day one.
Let your husband know and understand you want him to be honest with you and it has nothing to about the money.
Being in the recovery program was very much about healing the hurt inner child in me.
Recovery is not about who is right or wrong but more about what is healthy and what is unhealthy.
In some ways to exchange our very unhealthy habits in to healthy habits
Love healing and peace.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi @4zof2ylmau welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing what you are currently experiencing and how you are feeling torn between supporting your husband with 'love and compassion' whilst also experiencing feelings of 'deep hurt' over his revelation of problem gambling.
You asked the question 'is there anyone looking out for me or am I all alone' there is support available for you to access via our service for those affected by someone's gambling that you can access via our online chat room Chatrooms - GamCare also there is 121 support you can access from a Practitioner via the 24 hour helpline on 0808 8020 133.
It sounds like your husband is taken the appropriate steps towards his recovery by handing over the management of his finances to you as this can reduce the temptation to gamble as having the possession of money can be a trigger to gamble.
You shared that you are tired from keeping the boundaries looking after the finances and being resilient which is understandable. Is there any friend of family member you can confide in for support to you both at this time?
Also, you can access support from the Money Guidance Service via our 24 hour helpline Advisor and here is also a link to their fact sheet which may help with any money management needs. Managing your money - GamCare
You also shared that you don’t want to be taken advantage of by having ‘happiness and fun stuff’ it is important to still maintain good times during the difficult and set healthy rewards to acknowledge when achievements are being met. It will take time to rebuild trust and this can happen when there is a maintained changed in behaviour as you also receive support to process your current situation.
Your husband can also access support via our service through 121 treatment or our online CBT programme GameChange Course - GamCare
I wish for you a positive future and hope you will access the support available to provide you with a space to express how you feel and gain information that will empower you.
Rets Forum Admin
Hi GosiaP,
It is very lonely being the partner of someone with compulsive gambling. I wanted to reply to you as I am now 11 months since finding out that my long-term partner had gambled away our savings and accumulated a tonne of debt. I felt so similar to how you have described - the hurt and sadness was overwhelming. I promise, for us it has gotten better over the year. Managing all of the finances yourself becomes easier, you both accept it as the norm (I know I will be doing it forevermore), and it gradually becomes easier to reconnect with your partner and start to rebuild your trust again. Do confide in a friend, if you feel able as it will help you to feel less alone with this. It all takes time and effort but your husband has made great first steps, and if he stays committed to being free from gambling then your life will begin to feel better again.
I really wish you all the best
My partner handed over all the finances to me in November after the 2nd time of finding out he was still Gambling. I put blocks on his phones and accounts. Cash each week to use for fuel etc. arranged counselling. Everything had been amazing. I thought we’d finally sorted it. But he came home a week ago and said he wanted to move out and listed so many bad bits about me it was shocking but then told me he still wanted to have a relationship with me but just not live with me. This set off every alarm bell in my head - I knew he was doing it because of all the restrictions I had put in place. If he moved out he could spend what he wanted but still have me around. So he walked out on me and my girls 3 nights ago after me begging him not too! Yesterday i found him in the local bookies … I just don’t understand how he’s willing to lose us all just to do that. So hurt and broken right now 😢
My partner handed over all the finances to me in November after the 2nd time of finding out he was still Gambling. I put blocks on his phones and accounts. Cash each week to use for fuel etc. arranged counselling. Everything had been amazing. I thought we’d finally sorted it. But he came home a week ago and said he wanted to move out and listed so many bad bits about me it was shocking but then told me he still wanted to have a relationship with me but just not live with me. This set off every alarm bell in my head - I knew he was doing it because of all the restrictions I had put in place. If he moved out he could spend what he wanted but still have me around. So he walked out on me and my girls 3 nights ago after me begging him not too! Yesterday i found him in the local bookies … I just don’t understand how he’s willing to lose us all just to do that. So hurt and broken right now 😢
Hello Tinkhense,
It sounds like you are experiencing a very painful time, please feel welcome to call us on 0808 8020 133 if you'd like to access additional support.
If you are based in England or Wales, you might be interested to know that there is an online support group for women affected by another person's gambling, called Way Forward, two group courses beginning next week, one on Tuesday mornings and another on Friday afternoons. Please contact us if you'd like more details.
https://www.gamcare.org.uk/news-and-blog/blog/way-forward-virtual-support-group-for-women/
Take care,
Adam.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
