In the last few months, I was hit with a shocking discovery that my wife had been struggling with a secret gambling problem for a few years. I had absolutely no idea it was going on. I couldn't be angry because she seemed so distraught by her ordeal and the relief of me finally finding out, and it turns out she had been suffering horribly through guilt for years, and it had been affecting our relationship and intimacy. I worried for years she didn't love me any more, but it turned out she was so preoccupied with this she was unintentionally neglecting our needs as a couple. The revelation actually allayed many fears whilst being incredibly hurtful. She is crippled by guilt for the pain she has caused. I was able to move past this shock by getting behind supporting her and being thankful she is now seeking help and not suffering in silence, and we both saw it as a fresh start for us both, and many aspects of our relationship improved dramatically almost instantly.
However, out of nowhere I have become very irrationally paranoid and hyper vigilant that my wife is cheating/flirting with other men. I have never been like this before. I have little to no evidence, it is a baseless worry. I can acknowledge this to myself, but it does nothing to stop the ruminations and the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have become very paranoid about her new relationship with a new younger male colleague at work and am preoccupied with thoughts of them becoming close, am edgy whenever she is on her phone and convinced she is doing things she shouldn't, and just cannot shake this crippling paranoia. It is completely out of character. I have made the mistake on several occasions of sharing my worries with her which were not received well, and she worries I will never trust her again. Is it unreasonable of me as her husband to ask that she focus on rebuilding the relationship before she focuses on building new friendships with new men in her life, whilst I am feeling very raw and its all still very fresh? I feel she should, but I think she thinks I am being controlling. I think her focus should be on us. We are still in the very early days of the "rebuild". Dealing with new friendships blossoming with men I don't personally know just feels like too much of a mental challenge on top of everything else at the moment, but I can't tell if my anxiety around this is just a consequence of whats happened.
I think its quite clear this is probably a result of the damage to the trust in the marriage. "If she is capable of lying for so long about so much money, she is probably capable of flirting with/cheating with a younger more attractive man" etc. I know its stupid, and I let myself down for displaying a lack of trust in the woman I love with all my heart. I know in my heart of hearts she wouldn't be unfaithful, but I cannot shake it. Is this just the price I am paying?
Any advice would be appreciated.Â
Thank you
Dear MrAndromeda,Â
Thank you for sharing on our forum. It sounds as though you and your wife have been through a lot recently, with your wife's gambling being out in the open. We support both of you as you go through this. Gambling can and often does affect relationships. You will see this from other posts on our forum. You may also find this website useful https://www.relate.org.uk/ Â
Best Wishes
FionaÂ
Forum Admin
Hi as said above finding out your partner is a compulsive gambler is very difficult. Gambling is their mistress. It’s probably similar behaviour.Â
the most important thing for you to do is look after yourself and deal with your feelings. There is a lot of merit in detachment and letting go.
look at what trust means to you. Is it a form of control? The problem is that we always focus on the gambler and forget about ourselves. It’s incredibly damaging to all connected. Think if the safety rules , put your oxygen on first.
you can’t control anyone else but yourself. You can’t make or stop her gambling, that’s up to her. You can only look after yourself.
Hi OP, I am in a similar position as I am 'the wife' in your story but I havent found the courage to tell my husband yet. I dont know your wife but I do know that gambling is a very hard thing to understand....the most relatable thing may be another addiction or cheating. Because effectively, we did cheat, just with gambling (or in my case, a slot machine) rather than another person.Â
Your feelings are valid, but I wonder if they may be slightly displaced? You are, justifiably, upset and feel betrayed by your wife but rather than being upset at the gambling (which is what genuinely happened)you are upset at her 'new friend' who i doubt is anything more than that (but of course I dont know). I worry my husband will never trust me again, and I think your feelings and opinions is how he may react. Its terrifying for the gambler and devastating for everyone it affects. I am so sorry you're going through this. I would recommend reaching out to gamcare for more support and wish you all the best.Â
@m6j0ynz3ua Thank you for your reply. I know my fears are irrational, its more alarming that I am having them now as I never have before, and I have linked it to the gambling revelation logically. On a side note, I do think her friendship crosses a personal marriage boundary for me with such a large age gap (he is over 10 years younger) and not the most tactful time for her to be testing my trust...despite the fact I dont think she would be unfaithful. I just cannot shake a gut feeling she will let me down again in the worst way, and I feel terrible for putting her through it.
Despite this trivial problem, her telling me finally about her problem was the best thing she could have done. Please, I encourage you to tell your husband. Its an illness and you have suffered. He might not react well naturally but if he loves you he will bkunce back and support you. The weight being lifted off my wifes shoulder in telling me has changed her life. Shes a different person. Shes then woman I met 20 years ago
Hi
Yes lies are very painful we feel betrayed.
An addict certainly lies sadly it indicates how much pain and fear that they are buried under.
A Room which has a healthy recovery in it helps us get honest with our self and then in time get honest with others.
A recovery room helps the hurt inner child find a much a healthier life.Â
My wife asked me each day did I gamble, she was not worried about the money but more about me being more and more honest for a change.
With honesty and fearlessness comes more eemotional intimacy which heals and also makes for healthier relationships.
Love healing and peace.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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