Bit of background, I (38F) have been with my husband(44M) for 18yrs, married 15, 2 living children (12yr/14yr)and a stillbirth 16yrs ago. He had a previous relationship that had ended and was bankrupt when we met (around £50'000) due to online gambling.
I was lucky and managed to get a mortgage on my own. We have never had joint accounts due to his bankruptcy/poor credit.
When our eldest was around 1 yr old I discovered he had been gambling again. The lies continued and it came to a head when he stole money from the little savings we had. I forgave him and stood by him supporting him. All his wages were then paid directly to my account and due to his bankruptcy he could not get any cards or loans. We were happy and I truely believe he was not gambling.
Fast forward to a few years ago. He switched to self employed and wages went to him, however what i perceived as all of it (£2000), was transferred to me every month.
I work shifts and he has sleep apnoeas, he started sleeping on the sofa arouns 2years ago, i regularly checked in that this was his choice and was he happy in our marriage etc and he said yes. His sleep apnoeas (diagnosed and cpap machine) do have an impact on his energy levels but he will not wear his cpap(a whole different issue). He also drinks alcohol every evening and this has increased the last year or so. I have low self esteem and anxiety so put the nagging odd feeling down to me being the issue. I sought help, gp referred for adhd assessment and i was diagnosed and started medication. I felt that i must be the problem as things didn't feel "right".
Mortgage due for renewal and for over a year we had talked about getting a joint mortgage to take out more money as lots of equity in house and this was our chance to make home improvements.
During a very casual conversation where i was frustrated about something i then mentioned that he still hadn't filled out his side of the fact finder for the mortgage renewal, being annoyed i commented flippantly that he either didn't want a mortgage with me or he must be in debt.
This was then it all came out, £40'000 in debt. When i asked, gambling? He said no, cryptocurrency. So yes, gambling!
This has been going on since 2019, his delay in telling me was through fear of my reaction. Our conversation was calm, I simply had nothing to give other than to listen, as for the last few years I had been broken down believing that I must be the problem. Finding out did offer some relief in finally knowing that there was something big going on.
I found out a few weeks ago and am only really now starting to process it. I am broken and lost. I have been with this person since I was 20 years old. We have a home, a life, children and pets. Fool me once, fool me twice... ??
I don't know what the future holds. I am just grateful to have found this forum. Even if nobody replies I feel a sense of relief being able to write it in a safe place.
I will definitely use the chat/phone line when I feel upto it.
Best wishes and strength to those dealing with gambling addiction and the destruction this disease causes.
Hi there @Athena,
Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing what you are going through with us. It sounds really hard and upsetting. I hear you that when you’re ready you will use the chat and phone lines for some more support. Just a reminder that we have chatrooms for Family & Friends Affected by Gambling Harms on Tuesdays at 12pm and Thursdays at 7pm you can find them here : https://community.gamcare.org.uk/chatrooms/ .
GamCare also provides support via practitioners who can give you some sessions just for yourself (and your husband if he chooses to get help). Do get in touch with the helpline if you think this would be good for you currently or you can self refer via Find local support - GamCare.
The best of luck
Jane
Forum Admin
Hi Anthea, your story is very honest, and mustve been hard to write. I am the gambler in our relationship. Been with my husband for 17 years, married 10 years - this year (I hope). He currently doesn't know how badly I've gambled. Last summer I admitted to (what I consider) a small amount and he was very upset. He stood by me as long as I promised never to do it again, which I did, and meant it at the time.
Sadly, I relapsed several times over the next 6-9 months but am now 5 weeks gf and have taken another job to try and repair some of the financial damage. Its an exceptionally hard addiction. I am not justifying your partners behaviour, just offering my perspective- and hope it helps.
hi, I hope you don’t mind me replying to you direct on this post, I can just relate to you I’m also the gambler in my relationship and also been with my partner for 17 years he has no clue I have an addiction and it’s crippling me inside , today was the day I made the first call to GamCare who have pointed me to this website to use.
im in my own thoughts constantly and it’s made me very depressed, stressed and anxiety through the roof which I’m guessing is probably all normal signs of a gambling addiction
I too have plunged myself into financial difficult through my own stupid selfish mistakes. I’m so scared to tell my partner what I’ve done as I know he won’t be happy which is rightly so
how are you and have you managed to tell your partner you’ve relapsed and how bad it is?
Thank you for your replies. My husband is "lucky" in the sense that I do see gambling as an addiction/disease rather than a choice, and have a lot more tolerance than some have.
There's lots of underlying issues around his health and self care. I've worked hard theast few years to address my own issues, to be a "better" me. He needs to do the same. I think this my main issue with everything, including the gambling, he needs to take some steps to help himself.
The omission of truth/lies are an issue that i just don't know if i can move past. I want to but after it happening before and now this episode has been going on since 2019 it's hard to know if i can ever fully have trust again.
After a few weeks our life feels like nothing has happened. He has obviously taken a load of himself by the truth finally being out, however he is making no obvious effort to make changes or show that he is sorry. Although i do believe he has stopped gambling nothing else has changed.
I appreciate you all sharing your stories, it takes strength. Good luck with your recoveries and i hope you have support.
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