Life after living with a gambler nearly 3 yrs on

Think from now onwards a leaf out of your own good book will be taken by myself

No more worrying about others or putting their feelings before my own.

This is my time to do it my way xx

Thank you KS...:-)

It's taken for me to nearly loose everything to finally press the off button. Thats how sick I was in terms of accepting the unacceptable and ignoring glaring red flags.

People talk a lot about dreams, "going for it" potential etc but for me anyway I've learnt the greatest lessons of all by learning what my limitations are.

I found I did have a breaking point ...but only when my entire life ,health and livelihood was under threat....how sad is that. ?

As a Co-dependent I realised I was as much a gambler as he was , thinking I had an ever ending supply of energy and life left in me to fight this and bounce back from all adversity and hold down a responsible job and my own life ...but I didn't.

Fact is..I didn't need to revisit or prove this again or go down this road as I'd already done it in my 20s.

Three years out of a relationship has allowed me to build solid foundations and not live my life kneejerking from crisis to crisis. This is why I'm best off out of domestic relationships as I know in my bones no matter who is presented on the surface, it will manifest itself again in another guise. I know after a few weeks with me, some dormant extreme will be played out at my expense that has been kept under wraps for years.

That for me is a positive statement . I know my limitations and choose earnt stable friendship over time over unstable romantic love . It's been friendship that has got me though this and not a new relationship.

Rachel xxx

This will be my last introspective post for a while and it's on forgiveness.

3 years on and I have made a little progress on it. The forgiveness is not so much about him , it's been about trying to forgive the consequences.

My childhood was ruined by addiction and my future has been ruined by the same cause in terms of my own family line which will end with me.

I have forgiveness only insofar as I believe the gambler was immature and had no comprehension of the knock on effect this would leave for me given my age etc . He still has his parents and grandparents and a young daughter.

I know that I will never get the knock in the door or the letter that says I'm sorry as truthfully I really don't think he has the emotional range or inclination and I mean that factually , not as a side swipe.

The gnawing feelings I had all through our relationship I could never put my finger on until now as I never once saw him show genuine remorse, guilt or shame about anything...It's as if no conscience was there. I guess some folks just feel entitled.

That was the scariest part of all as if it had been just the cash I could have coped as there would have been humility and something human to connect with.

I have had to accept that for this gambler the main motivation was greed and consumption as no emotional trigger,broken heart,family disaster,abuse etc was driving it other than that. There were no hidden hurts at all and from what I can gather this drive to consume is pretty much his entire natural character. As my friend would say "Sometimes a puddle is just a puddle" ...I have found this the hardest to accept.

When I used to write on recovery diaries the people who I connected with I saw as friends almost forgetting why they were on the forum as I connected so much with the triggers and also their emotions and given what they revealed in their posts about their lives and abuse I wouldn't blame them for gambling as there by the grace of god go I ..as they say.

To close , forgiveness is ongoing for me as many small daily things arise that make me wish I could turn back the clock or have a big eraser.

I haven't clapped eyes on him since I left to come back to the safety of my home and friends 3 yrs ago. Even if I did see him there would be no interest or attraction at all .

Forgiveness of immaturity is all I can muster and perhaps the full consequences will come to light as the years go by although I'm not holding my breath. He has the luxury of moving on whereas for me it's about standing still in acceptance that my family line stops with me and now with a blank canvass I have to create a life worth sticking around for......my dog being the main reason.

Thanks for listening ...

Rachel xxx

Evening rach.

We are so pleased myself and Sarah to read your life is enriched by many things today.

You had a profound effect on my recovery and as a knock on my entire families to boot.

I do believe you indeed helped me to grow up and embrace life rather than look over an imaginary fence.

for it I will be ever thankful.

I hope dotty is well, our boys are best friends today, they are still playing kurplunk together lol.

Lastly if you still speak with Paul please pass on my warmest regards, tell him that pint by the river still awaits us.

P.s please read some terry Darlington books they are brilliant.

All the very best.

look after number one.

all our unconditional love.

duncs and Sarah. X x x

Thank you Duncs and Sarah ....:-)

Me and Dots always pop in and have a secret read of all my old comrades that were there for me through the good, bad and ugly days.

All ok here and I am made up that you are still doing all you can pioneering and increasing the 3 % !! Miracles do happen in real life and your family is one of them!,

Mr V is also well and we email many times a week despite the 200 distance! ...I shall also check out Terry Ds books !

Big ((hugs ))) and thank you for the shout out my friend.

Rachel xxx

Ps I've been following a certain poet laureates progress reading news articles on internet....you must be very proud. 🙂

Ps.....I forgot to pass on the greatest piece of advice I was ever given in 12 step recovery with CODA. I appreciate that not everyone who ends up with a person who has a gambling addiction is codependant but I certainly am and a lot end up enablers as it just becomes easier than perpetual conflict.

In CODA they say " Boundaries not walls...(but walls are better than nothing).

For me this whole experience has been about self protection.

3 years away from it and I have come to also find forgiveness for the gambler as I can also see the legacy of this generational energetic poaching and how this was tied up with gambling. It's the same energy at work.

Sadly a few of my friends have experienced the horror of this physically, but I have reacted in the exactly same way ...inappropriate outbursts of rage, spewing of hurtful words like I was possessed , self harm a level promiscuity that was not played out on a physical level but on a mental level with me. I figured if I just lay bare the contents of my soul people would leave me alone...no mystery , nothing of value to poach and also what I choose to give away is under my control and not extorted.

This may make no sense at all to anyone but I think very much in pictures and and visuals to understand complex feeling,

My choice to remain reclusive and safe has been how I have healed. I communicate now mainly through the written word as this is my way of keeping my life on my terms.

I know what I experienced was PTSD...the same as a physical trauma but I'm over the worst now. I became a self confessed workaholic and still have 2 jobs today mainly for financial reasons but it also keeps the pain away.

Hopefully they will post this as I think in summary it's the only way I can describe what happened in summary but also to give hope that self preservation is the only way forward for people on the other side of this disease.

Signing off now and back to reading again....if I don't reply to posts it's for no other reason than it's because I need to keep focussed on the outside world as it's too easy for me to go back to being insular and the safety of the forum . I have to learn to go back out there without the comfort blanket ....Keep safe !!! .Rachel xxx

Hey there

As always edited by gc 😉 Good to see you dropping by and way to go girl!! Keep on your path, as long as it works for ya. No rushing or speeding on that fav M6 🙂

Woofs to Dotty (i have two cats now and say no more lol)

All the best Rach, as Duncs clearly puts it, you had and still have a huge impact in my recovery. ..not perfect but still recovery 🙂

S x

Hiya Rachael

Was great to hear from you and as always perfectly understood your post , to further that I read your opening post on this thread and found myself nodding and agreeing

Your sorely missed by many but we all understand your path you have taken

Best wishes

Castle2

Thank you again Castle xx

Journalling and writing saved my life and that is not being melodramatic.

3 yrs ago I was scuicidal and i dont say that lightly. Its been the only time in my life ive ever felt that way and thats saying something given my entire family all died many years ago.

As mentioned at the start of my post, addiction was my past but never in a million years did I think it would rob my future as without my own folks and family the future was all I had and the prospect of my own little one ....but there you go...

I know people wont like me saying this but addiction won and I accept that now. I was in an impossible position.

ironic that I never married young and always felt being a mother was a respnsibility not to be taken lightly. I figured i'd slay my own demons before bringing another soul in but I ran out of time.

Not every story has a happy ending. Thats life . You just have to make the best of what you have and carry on. " The chaser" as I refer to him will no doubt remarry, have more kids and thats great...(for him) and so long as our paths never cross... he's safe.

Friendship I value more than anything else in the world.

keep safe and keep strong ..:-)

Rachel xx

Morning Rachael

Another great post , the learnings I always take from you and put in my own recovery is endless , selfishly I wish I could read more but I understand you need to do what's right for you

Acceptance has been massive for me of who I am of what gambling has done and what it can do the impact it has on others something I knew nothing off at the start of my journey and likewise for you there is acceptance in your life , fully agree with making the best of life and yes we do have to carry on , it can sound negative but it's a fine line with negativity and reality in truth there is not a lot of difference

Revering from the impact of gambling as we both know doesn't guarantee happiness but we have much better lives than the ones when we let gambling control our lives to the point of the misery and pain was unbearable

When our time is ready we will get that happiness that we both deserve until then we will fight the fight

Castle2

Have to admit I very miss reading your take on life, love and the universe but very happy that you are comfortable in your skin as the kids would say. Sounds a really lovely place to be and maybe some day I might just get somewhere near myself as seem to go one step forward and a few hundred back each day at the moment.

Still taking comfort and advice from the caring people on here and still loving my life afloat and exploring techniques to manage the cr**, past and present in my life which will enable the future to be way more wonderful.

Occasionally look out the window and think I see a bath tub pulling up alongside with a hand waving at me.

Maybe one day, who knows.

Hugs to Dotty, the dogs here have been wearing life jackets when it rains after the floods, fluorescent ones, well chic.

Sending wishes for happiness and health.

xxx

Thank you DF and thank you Castle ...I do often think back tomthe bathtub flotilla days and smile a broad smile. I also keep up with your diary too DF xx

I hope folks know how this forum saved my life. Often posting 5 times a day to keep sane and everything together as I was so sick myself.

GC asked why i would need to post after so long being off the forum , and i guess it was to transmit a word of warning really.

Being newly liberated can bring about a surge optimism that can be mistaken for the dopamine high of love.

Although not a gambler in the traditional sense I recognised the dopamine high of newness and all things romantic as being a very similar rush to gambling.Also geographicals ( holidays) can bring about the same sensation but as I learned in 12 step these can be used as mood altering diatractions that keep us avoiding the present.

Sitting in your own skin can be difficult.

I still am susceptable to all these distractions but whats changed is the turn around time in which i am unable to kid myself...it gets shorter each time. In true recovery what you find is that many aspects of life even friendships are simply not compatible any more with who you are becoming and will have to go.

In AL anon and AA which is the 12 step I was more familiar with they used to say " you cant go out on a belly full of booze and a head full of recovery " ..the two are no longer compatible. The same will apply no doubt to gambling,

I have always been terrified as loss but what is changing is that i embrace it more now as its a signal im on the right path.

When you start self caring ,truly loving yourself and putting self protection first, anything that was not compatible will fall away and will involve loss and you have to face that square on.

There is no way around it but through or your recovery will be on hold for more years as you detour again but you will have to come back to same place no matter where you left off your recovery ..the only thing that will have changed is that you are older.

Codependancy could only exist for me when there was a great need or percieved need unfullfilled. That need in me is less and less so you dont attract the same dynamic in in the same way but if i do the turnaroud time is very short, often weeks not years....you're not able to kid yourself.

For anyone who knows the Matrix film, you could say I took the red pill,but as we know a healthy state of mind is a committemt to reality at all costs. Very occasionally I wish id taken the blue pill but most of the time I wish i'd taken the red pill earlier .

Thank you to everyone who literally saved my life.

Rachel xxxxx

...just felt i had to come round 🙂 no words needed, ..thank you for all you said to me in my journey, not a word is ever forgotten

(((((((((((R&D)))))))))))

S x

Morning Rachael

Thanks for the post and as always much food for thought and something else to add to my armour on this long long journey

I can relate to halt , I often rewarded myself by overeating for not gambling which is ironic as when gambling food was the furthest from my mind , still now it's a constant battle to get the balance right , the loneliness I understand I prefer been on my own but don't feel lonely other than Xmas and Easter which I can relate back to relapses at those times , but I now know I'm safer on my own and more comfortable with it

Like you keep taking steps forward and doing what's best for me

Take care

Castle2