Looking for advice

Hi P

we used to have a jug in my grandma’s kitchen that said ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink’

in my personal experience everyone deals with recovery in their own way. Your partner sounds like he’s done a lot of time working at this. Remote meetings, lists and a sponsor. 

do you go to meetings? We have to learn to detach. When you confront a gambler their reaction is to lie, what’s the point? If you work you’re recovery too you won’t need to ask those questions.

i can’t stop my husband from gambling it is his choice. I can’t make him go to meetings. 

It’s interesting you aren’t asking if maybe there is something troubling him. Gambling is like self medicating a problem. When they stop gambling they need new stratagies to cope.

I would be questioning myself and finding out why is it affecting me so much. Are you going to always feel like this?

@merry-go-round

Thanks merry. When we were on hol I did ask if everything was ok as he wasn’t doing his usual recovery activities. I actually asked if there’s anything bothering him at all. He said he just wanted to enjoy our holiday. And then of course he was injured. It bothers me because this was the first hol we had when he didn’t do his usual recovery activities. He has been unwell since he stopped gambling but still managed to attend remote meetings in the past.

I know he leads his own recovery and I cannot make him do things he doesn’t want to. But i can’t invalidate my feeling of concern either when there is a sudden shift. 

I don’t attend meetings but I do therapy. My husband and I tried both meetings and therapy, and he decided GA meetings really helped him cope while I felt therapy was more suitable for me. As you said people recover in different ways. That doesn’t mean I will never attend meetings though, I know it has really helped so many others. 

Am i always going to feel this way? I hope not! I have always made it clear to my husband that I love him so much and will stick by him relapses or not. But i need to see hard work, commitment and dedication. I guess it’s too harsh to say he’s being very complacent given he had an injury and has been in a lot of discomfort. I will talk to him today (not confront, sorry that was not the appropriate word) to ask again if everything is ok and openly communicate with him my observations and how I’m feeling. And then take it from there. 

P

Correction: He *had been unwell since he stopped gambling. Ie he had sickness episodes but still managed to attend remote meetings. 

Hi P

communicating is key. I think you’re doing a lot of good things and hopefully it’s as he said he just wanted to relax and enjoy . Try not to worry, keep your usual eye on things. 

Thanks Merry and absolutely agree re communication. Times like this remind me of my own healing journey. My post may read as trivial to others and perhaps I’m making a big deal out of nothing but this does remind me of the trauma I have been through because of this addiction. Him not attending meetings triggered a panic attack almost. It’s a good reminder of the work i need to put into my own recovery as you alluded in your first reply.