Hi everyone,
It’s 1am and I couldn’t sleep… still jetlagged from a recent trip.
Anyway, as the the title goes I am looking for a bit of advice please. To cut the long story short, i feel like my husband is becoming complacent in his recovery. We went on a 3 week holiday and for the first time since he quit in 2020, he didn’t attend any remote GA meeting while ln holiday. He also missed a few of his gratitude lists. I obviously don’t read them but I ask every now and then if he’s already done it. I found it quite odd that he missed some days because he used to be super dedicated to his daily lists. When I asked him why he missed some, he said we have a lot of activities and apparently his sponsor said it’s fine to miss every now and then when on holiday. And now at 1am, it’s like a lightbulb moment I suddenly realised he hasn’t been to a GA meeting since we got back a few days ago when his usual is attending 3-4 remote meetings in a week. So I will confront him about this tomorrow and see what he will say…
Few things to consider, he has been unwell as he had an injury when we were away which is he recovering from. He has been in pain although recovering. However, he does play his ps5 every now and then so if he can do that then he should be able to commit to 1-2 hrs of meeting. His credit report is clear, bank accounts clear etc. No change in attitude/ behaviour. He doesn’t hide his phone like he used to when was gambling. He doesn’t stay in the loo for ages like he used to when he was active.
I know for a fact that he is becoming complacent though. I have not prepared myself for this. I promised myself when i decided to stay with him that if he doesn’t keep the hard work, that I will not stay with an active gambler. The difficulty is that I don’t see signs of relapse but i see complacency. I know i cannot force him back to being committed but I just don’t know how to approach this. I wonder what happened to result into this change in commitment. I know I need to speak to him which I will do tomorrow but I just feel a bit broken.
P
Hi P
we used to have a jug in my grandma’s kitchen that said ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink’
in my personal experience everyone deals with recovery in their own way. Your partner sounds like he’s done a lot of time working at this. Remote meetings, lists and a sponsor.
do you go to meetings? We have to learn to detach. When you confront a gambler their reaction is to lie, what’s the point? If you work you’re recovery too you won’t need to ask those questions.
i can’t stop my husband from gambling it is his choice. I can’t make him go to meetings.
It’s interesting you aren’t asking if maybe there is something troubling him. Gambling is like self medicating a problem. When they stop gambling they need new stratagies to cope.
I would be questioning myself and finding out why is it affecting me so much. Are you going to always feel like this?
Thanks merry. When we were on hol I did ask if everything was ok as he wasn’t doing his usual recovery activities. I actually asked if there’s anything bothering him at all. He said he just wanted to enjoy our holiday. And then of course he was injured. It bothers me because this was the first hol we had when he didn’t do his usual recovery activities. He has been unwell since he stopped gambling but still managed to attend remote meetings in the past.
I know he leads his own recovery and I cannot make him do things he doesn’t want to. But i can’t invalidate my feeling of concern either when there is a sudden shift.
I don’t attend meetings but I do therapy. My husband and I tried both meetings and therapy, and he decided GA meetings really helped him cope while I felt therapy was more suitable for me. As you said people recover in different ways. That doesn’t mean I will never attend meetings though, I know it has really helped so many others.
Am i always going to feel this way? I hope not! I have always made it clear to my husband that I love him so much and will stick by him relapses or not. But i need to see hard work, commitment and dedication. I guess it’s too harsh to say he’s being very complacent given he had an injury and has been in a lot of discomfort. I will talk to him today (not confront, sorry that was not the appropriate word) to ask again if everything is ok and openly communicate with him my observations and how I’m feeling. And then take it from there.
P
Correction: He *had been unwell since he stopped gambling. Ie he had sickness episodes but still managed to attend remote meetings.
Hi P
communicating is key. I think you’re doing a lot of good things and hopefully it’s as he said he just wanted to relax and enjoy . Try not to worry, keep your usual eye on things.
Thanks Merry and absolutely agree re communication. Times like this remind me of my own healing journey. My post may read as trivial to others and perhaps I’m making a big deal out of nothing but this does remind me of the trauma I have been through because of this addiction. Him not attending meetings triggered a panic attack almost. It’s a good reminder of the work i need to put into my own recovery as you alluded in your first reply.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
