Needing help/support/advise

Hi caringfiriend

I am a recovering CG.

Give him some time. Do you know whether he is talking at the meetings he is going to? Is it GA he is going to? Newer members tend to take a while before they are willing to talk. They walk into a room of strangers and understandably find that revealing the sordid details of their gambling problem very daunting. In truth, there could be a number of reasons for him being unwilling to share his problems with you.

He will certainly need support if he is going to recover from this addiction. Make him aware that you are there for him. Willing to provide the moral support, and a shoulder to cry on.

You should also make yourself aware of the many pitfalls that friends and family come across when they are dealing with a CG problem. When we gamble we will lie, cheat, steal, blame others for our problems and even start fights because of our problems. Do NOT lend him money. You will not be helping him if you do.

Read through some of the threads on this forum and you will gain a better understanding of this addiction, what it can lead to, and how you can help him. Knowledge is power.

Take care

Dear Wal1957

Thank you for your kind words and advise, he is going to GA ive offered to go with him and he refused, im guessing that the embarrsement element, which i totally understand.

I just felt if I understood more about what is going on inside his head I could try and help him along a bit, but I will only know that if he tells me I guess. I have NO intetions of lending him money, he's already told me not to so ive got that base covered.

Hi again

You would be quite welcome at any GAMANON meeting. They are meetings of family and friends of CGs. They will be able to offer you an insight from 'your side of the fence'. Just as you don't know how a CG feels when he is gambling, I don't really know how the family members felt. Hope that makes sense. 🙂

There are many family members on this forum who will be able to offer you guidance. They have walked the path that you are just starting out on. Their experience will be invaluable.

It does sound as tho he is attempting recovery. Telling you NOT to lend him money is a good step in the right direction. He will need all the help and support that he can muster however, so be available for him when he realises that.

I don't know what situation you were in that he 'rescued' you from but be vary aware of your own health, both mentally and physical. Don't let his addiction drag you back to a place where you can't escape from. He might not be there for you if it happens again.

Take care

i would be happy to explain all but dont know how to on a private level - open forums are things that ive tended to stay away from as im not that computer literate

Hi caringfriend

I didn't mean to imply that you should tell me or anyone else. Just as long as you are aware of whatever issue you had, and that whatever happens with your gambling friend, you don't let it drag you back there again.

Take care

I would be inclined to take independence as a good sign, taking responibility for yourself is one of the things a gambler needs to do to start recovery, so dont take it personally, the fellowship of recoevring gamblers can be very close knit and unique in its supportiveness, let him find his feet there and as Wal suggests, pop into a gam anon meeting and air your thoughts there, we are a very positive and resourceful bunch of people.

Also, do not feel that help given to you must be given back, its not a chain of favours between two people, someone helped you and that deserves gratitude, but it doesnt mean you have to save them in the same way, accept it thankfully for what it was and take your chances to help others when they come, if that makes sense.

There is no fear in that my friend - I can assure you, 'C' made me realise life is to precious to throw it all away, which is why im so hurt and upset and angry that he wont let me help him the way he helped me.

Some people are stubborn or 'mule headed'. "I don't need assistance, I can do it myself etc."

He has made an important step in that he told you not to lend him money. When he realises that he can't 'do it' himself, and that he does need help, that will be another important step in his recovery. It's early days, give him some time. 🙂

i called the helpline this morning and they just told me to keep telling him im there if he needs me, and i know he is stubborn and hes already told me its no one else problem but his own and he's the one to sort it. I keep offering the olive branch and biting my lip - and yes it could just be that he is overwhlemed with it all, and if he is then telling me to "back off" is fine, poker was always his fave card game and i know he plays his cards very close to his chest.

He is correct in this aspect. Only he can fix the problem. He has to want to stop gambling, and be willing to seek the proper help and apply himself to the gambling problem. He seems to be doing that. Only time will tell how well he is doing. As well as getting the support from GA and/or counselling however, he will need support from friends/family. This is where you and his family can offer moral support.

My family know everything re my gambling. How much debt I am in, what I did to finance my gambling etc. I have told them that if they have any questions that they are free to ask and I will answer them honestly, no matter if they are hard for me. eg. Why did I steal money from my sister?

I believe they have to be relatively well informed if they are going to have a chance of helping me in my recovery. Since your friend is attending GA, he will already have been advised to tell his family. No more hiding! How much he tells them is entirely up to him, but he should at least tell them that he has a gambling issue and how he is attending to the problem.

I also have somebody monitoring my bank accounts online. They will know if I am gambling again. This is another safety net for me. This has been going on for about 7 years now.

He knows that you are there to help him if he needs it. That knowledge in itself would be helping him.

Take care

Hi Wal1957

I had a really good chat with him yesterday and got a better insight into what 'C' is going through, he opened up a lot and actually spoke to me, he explianed that as everyone was on his case and asking him how he was and offering help etc, i was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Hence his short/stern replies to my messages.

He explained his condition as one where he doesnt think like "normal" people when he wants to buy something, he doesnt think oh thats £200 i need to save for it, he sees a bet on the roulette wheel as a way of making money he needs, £200 on red, red comes in he now has £400 and then he can buy whatever he wanted, and it not cost him anything as he has his orginal £200 back plus the extra for making that purchase. If he looses, then he just doubles up on the next the bet and waits for the win to come in, however the other week he was on a despreate losing streak and it spiralled way out of control

he also told me that the meetings have helped, and he knows he is not as bad as the others that are there, he has never and will ever resort to stealing or asking for money. He knows he has made a huge mistake and that he is working very hard to repay back his savings that were for him and his fiance, and i do beileve him.

he thanked me for all my loyality and unwaving support, and that he was sorry for snapping at me, i feel much better now and we are both in a better place to talk.

I am happy to hear that he has started to open up. I know how he feels re everyone offering support, pestering him etc. All I wanted to do was just get on with fixing me and wanting everyine to leave me alone. It does take a little while to realise that we do need to accept offers of help.

..."he also told me that the meetings have helped, and he knows he is not as bad as the others that are there, he has never and will never resort to stealing or asking for money. " Never say never. I never thought that I would resort refinancing my house 4 times or to stealing from my sister to finance my gambling. There is an old saying in GA. I haven't done that YET! There is always a possiblity that a CG will resort to what he thinks he would never do.

I fully understand his logiv re gambling and doubling up. It could be easy money, but unfortunatley it never turns out that way :(. In theory this would work everyitme. In practice however, we always lose in the end.

As long as he is committed to his recovery and is aware of the pitfalls he will face, he can have a happy life free of gambling.

Best wishes

Dear Wal1957

I cannot thank you enough for your kind words and encouragement, we spoke again last night and I finally have seen signs of my old friend back - the one who would crack jokes, and cuss me as usual. (all in good friendly banter, believe me I give as good as I get). He is getting on with his life, and has come to terms with what he has done. His fiancГ© has said as much as she cannot forget what he has done she is slowly coming to terms with forgiving him.

He is working hard to earn back what he has lost and has returned it into an account that his fiancГ© has control over.

I really do hope that things don't escalate and he goes down that route of stealing etc, it’s just little things like him saying he can never buy a scratch card or purchase a bingo ticket to play a game of bingo again. I know it’s a form of gambling and in my "normal" persons head i see that as minor, but as i said to him last night and ive been saying to him ever since this started - I will always be there if you need me and please don’t ever think you can’t ring me if your troubled.

I will keep you posted and updated if that’s OK, but i don’t know how to as this forum is our only way to communicate

This forum is perfect for communications. The beauty of this forum is you don't get advice from just one person, or from one side of the fence. No one has the right advice all the time. (even though our advice is given in with the best intentions).

re your views on scatchies etc. You and over 90% of the population can enjoy a little thrill by purchasing those. There is absolutely nothing wrong in that. Any person who is in recovery from gambling however has to stay away from any form of gambling. As you say, even if it appears 'minor' to you, it could be all it takes to start a CG off on a binge.

Take care