Never Ending Story....

Thank you Merry and CharlieBoy.

I’ve taken what you both said on board.  

I really don’t want to get into the specifics but I truly thought in 2011 my husband had over come this addiction.  This is before we got married and had children.  
9 years later, what I realize is that he could never be non addict.  He will always have it in him.  As you both said money is his drug and without it he has nothing to feed his addiction.  
I never had access to my husbands credit scores, now I do and I can truly see if there are loans or credit cards he is using in secret where I wouldn’t know before.  
Thankfully, he didn’t manage to get into any payday loans or credit card debt for the latest slip. 
My eyes are now wide open.  I wouldn’t make the mistake of thinking he can handle a bit of money.  I told him last night as a consequence of his actions he wouldn’t be able to buy me a present without me knowing.  So for Christmas don’t even try and ask me for some money to buy me and our kids presents.  Anyway thankfully our girls presents all been sorted before this latest slip.  I told him we are lucky that I’ve been responsible with money and was able to cover the rent payment he has gambled away this month.  That money was suppose to go towards our house down payment but because of what he did it would take us longer to get to the amount we need.  I am so angry with him.  All the money he has wasted we should have paid off at least half of a house,  and our girls would have been in a better situation as far as their future.
I partly blame myself for being naive about this addiction, and believed him.  If there’s anything good that came out of this slip, is it truly opened up my eyes.  The small ounce of trust I had in him re money, is now zero.  Everything is accounted for as far as spending.

I won’t allow his addiction to take me and our girls down.  I told him he needs to take hold of it.  He would be attending a GA meeting on Tuesday.  

Hi TF,

You're not to blame, not partly & not at all. I hope you take MGRs advice about getting support for yourself. Well done for taking financial control. Now it's up to your husband to demonstrate he's serious about getting help, through action not words. Has he self excluded for 5 years through Gamstop ?. Blocks are a vital part of recovery.

Best Wishes

AL

Hi Slow,

He has self excluded, and emailed the betting company as well that he wants it to be permanent.  I just told him about Gamstop and he is doing it now.

Hi TF,

As part of the process he'll be asked to upload proof of identity and a photograph. When the process is complete he'll get a confirmation email. Make sure you get to see it.

Regards

Al

Hi Slow,

We just did it together and uploaded his pic with him holding his passport.  We received a confirmation email.  

Thank you for your advice truly appreciate it. 

The more blocks we put in place the better chances he has to finally beat this addiction.  

Hi TF,

Well done. If it's any consolation I gambled from age 15 till I was 63. ( The clue's in my username ). I've done the same things your husbands done & probably a lot worse to feed my addiction. My last gamble was August 2018 so people can change but they've got to want to. 

Again I ask you take MGRs advice about getting support for yourself. Trust ? I'm not sure my wife will ever trust me again so I haven't got great expectations on that score, at the end of the day although I haven't gambled for over two years nevertheless I'm still an addict and I accept that.

To be honest when access to money was handed over solely to my wife i think there was probably an element of resentment on my part. I ain't kidding when I say if i need a haircut I have to ask for the money, so that's the kind of changes your husband's has to accept. My wife knows all my passwords, bank, email & even Experian credit agency and still checks them.

Now I feel not only does it give her peace of mind it gives that to me too. I never want to go back to that life but I never forget I'm an addict. If you both accept these changes there's no reason in time you can move on & have a bright future together Just never let your guard down & stay vigilant.

Best Wishes

AL

Thank you for sharing Al,

I can imagine being gamble free for over two years must be quite an achievement.  Well done to you and your wife for helping you get there.  I can tell you have a strong resolve.  

I hope my husband truly take this last slip as his wake up call.  I’ve already told him there is a limit to how much I will take.  When it comes to the welfare of my children, I am not compromising anymore.  If he does this again I will pack our bags and going back home.  

The latest slip really shook me.  I thought all was great.  He finally has a job he could be proud of, and doing business on the side to earn even more.  Our 7 year old is so happy to have a sibling.  I am so content that finally our little family is complete.  I couldn’t think of a reason why he will decide to throw all of that away for an outcome that he knew would be a disaster.  It’s truly madness.  

Now I’ve accepted that this is a lifetime commitment to suppress the monster within him that causes him to gamble.  5 days ago I was devastated, defeated and hopeless.  I truly wanted to just throw in the towel, as I don’t know what else to do.  After calming down and considering this is an addiction, and without it he is a really great father and husband.  I want to fight for our family.  My only condition from him is he fight his addiction as well.  Right now he seem to be saying and doing all the right things, but I know that the gambler in him could easily switch to the other side of him who I hate.  
Thank you very much for all the advice, and especially coming from someone who also struggled with this addiction.  

Hi Twicefooled,

I feel like my name should be twice fooled as well. I found out my husband of 20 years had day traded almost $1M of our retirement fund in January of 2018.  I was completely oblivious until about a week or two beforehand. He was trading stocks in our 401k account for years. One of the most hurtful and disturbing things is that he never once felt enough guilt over the years to tell me what was going on. When I found out, we sold our home and moved to a more affordable area near family for a fresh start. He came clean to friends and family, went for counseling and I 100% believed he would never go there again. Last night, while filling out paperwork for my sons college I discovered he had been gambling again in our retirement fund. Every day from early March until late August of this year. He was even down by over $100k at one point. He quit when he finally “made it back” and decided not to let me know. I’m disgusted and feel like a fool. I was genuinely happy and thought all was good. I don’t know how he can spend day in and out with me like all is good when this is what is going. We are fortunate we have not lost everything. He has had high paying stable jobs which is a blessing, but has enabled this habit. I’m now in my mid 40s and feel like I’m married to someone I don’t really know. I’m in the process of putting everything in my name, but I don’t know how to go forward. 

Hi Sadie,

Thank you so much for your reply.  I can’t imagine losing that much money and what that would mean to someone.  I know the amount is second to what the real problem is.

I know that it sometimes feel like a never ending roller coaster.  I have a very young family.  We have a 7 year old and a new born so I want to fight for my family.  I want to have a chance to give my kids a family life that’s why I continue to support my husband.  Even if it means that I control the finances and take the burden of watching over him for years to come even forever.  

Since my husband came clean, I’ve been very clear that this is the last time I would do this as I can’t sacrifice the well being of my children.  He has signed up for counseling and has turned over all access to myself with all the finances and I have access to his credit report to make sure there are no loans or new loans being created.  

I wish you well.  I think putting everything in your name is a great idea to protect yourself.   Also try and get some counseling for yourself for your own well being.  Being in this cycle does a lot of damage to our mental health. 

The problem gambler needs to admit they have a problem and accept the help.  Without this nothing will change.  

Best wishes to you, 

TF

A bit of an off day for me today.  I think it’s the weather, and how long the dark hours are getting to me.  I also thought about the situation I am currently in.  My husband has been working quite a lot and because he works at night with no set days off, it’s been quite challenging not only for him but also for us.  This week he is working 8 days straight and so my eldest daughter really misses his company.   I can see some changes in him.  He used to always look tired even when he had some sleep during the day.  I thought it’s because of him working night shift, but now he’s admitted that it’s because he was always worried I would find out.  Now he seem to be more rested and less stressed.  He tells me as now he is not hiding anything.  He feels free.  

This afternoon, I had a conversation with him, as he ate his dinner.  I just told him how I am feeling, and how I sometimes blame myself as I enabled him to gamble as much as he did.  I told him how I feel so bad as a parent.  We are supposed to be better parents to our kids than our parents were to us, currently we are not by any means.  Both our parents provided comfort, stability, and love.  I told him I will not tolerate his destructive behavior anymore as I have to take care of our kids first.  I need to provide a better life than I had.  
I know I am a strong person, and that with my tenacious spirit I never give up on my goals or aspirations.  This time, I can’t keep holding on to him just to have that complete family for our kids, even when he is hurting us.  

He promised me it will never happen again, and I told him I hope so, but I also know that only time will tell.  Sometimes I will get flash backs of all the lies and manipulation he’s done to me to get some more money.  Sometimes he will say things to me re money, and I would always think of a scenario he could be playing.  

I realized that trust is gone at the moment, when and if  it will come back I don’t know.  

Best wishes to all, 

TF

Another off day.

Not sure if it’s postpartum blues or it’s the situation I am in.  Sometimes the responsibility of trying to help someone do the right thing, and overcome an addiction that I thought I understood, is overwhelming.  

I have a 10 week old baby and in 6 weeks I have to go back to work.  I was hoping I will try and maybe add another 2 months of maternity before going back but the most recent slip my husband has gotten himself into  made that impossible otherwise I will have to tap into the money we need for our house deposit.  

My husband is saying the right things and seem to be doing the right thing by getting counseling, but it doesn’t take away the resentment I feel.  It makes me sometimes wonder if I am doing the right thing.  Sometimes there are still things  he do or say that makes me think, this won’t be the last slip.  I feel guilty thinking that way as I know we have to stay positive, but after years of going through this and several betrayals, along with money, trust, and dreams lost I can’t help myself.

This is what problem gamblers do to us.  To the people who they love the most supposedly.  

If you’re a problem gambler and you’re reading this.  Please take into consideration the sacrifices your loved ones had given you, the pain you constantly caused them, and despite of that they continue to put their faith into someday you’ll wake up and be healed from this addiction.  

It’s been 11 days since I’ve found out about the latest slip, and there are days I feel strong, but there are also plenty of days I feel like the pain and thought of more pain is unbearable.  

I guess we are in the same situation as the addict.  We just have to breathe and take it one day at a time.  

Hi twice fooled if you do think you have postpartum please see your gp. Don’t go through this alone and get more down. 

You will have good and bad days, try not to focus on him. It’s you that you need to look after. It’s not up to us to fix or support them. It’s up to them. 
Make sure that you’re finances are secure, that he can’t get access to your savings. They are not for his gambling or his debts. Daily living expenses should still be a priority. His debts are last. If he has to negotiate new terms that’s his problem. This is vital to ending the cycle. If he pays his debts quickly he becomes more credit worthy. You don’t want that. It also lets them think there is money and he can afford to gamble.

I have made all these mistakes, constantly using savings to pay his debts, it just kept him gambling longer. 
Try and look at the gamanon website, may be log into the meeting Sunday night. Get some help for you.

Thank you MGR,

I will take that on board.  I have a counselling session next week, and I will talk about my feelings with the counsellor, and if they think I have the postpartum blues I will call my GP.  Its so hard to differentiate the feelings I have.  

This morning I had a conversation with my mom about her helping us with the down payment for a house.  I feel ashamed and embarrassed that  we don't have much to contribute towards that down payment because of this cycle we are in.  I have a good job, and should have some savings.  

I feel down at the moment, as I really want to not only put a roof over my children's head, but have a home for them to call their own.  I want them to have stability, and warmth of a home.  I will be relentless to make sure that this happens for them.  

I will not allow this addiction to take away my dreams, nor my children's right for a home.  I told my husband I love him, and will support him but if he does it again, we won't be here to pick up the pieces.  

I am putting everything in place financially to make sure he doesn't affect us anymore than he has.  He doesn't have any debts right now, so thankfully all that he earns goes towards the rent and bills.  Hopefully we will be in a different situation financially in 6 months time and we can make this dream a reality.

Just a tip, if you do buy a house with him, tenants in common, protects your share of the house.

12 days after he came clean and the anxiety is taking a toll on me.  I keep getting flash backs of all the lies, manipulation that happened.  Looking for clues of when it happened, and scared to death that it will happen again.

Tonight while feeding my baby, I felt this feeling when I knew something was wrong and it was happening again.  I know it’s not happening at the moment, but for some reason I am feeling that same feeling when he’s told me the truth.  

I am really trying for me to allow my husband time, because I know that’s what he needs to prove he is changing for the better.  I know he also needs some support in knowing I still have some faith in him.  I really really want to give him that.  I think it’s not anger, it’s the disappointment, it’s the fear that it will continue to happen again and again.  It’s the feeling of nothing will be enough to stop him.  He says he will never ever put me through this again, and while I appreciate him saying that, and only time will prove he will do that.  It doesn’t take away the anxiety, the hurt..  Without gambling he is such a wonderful husband and father, he really is.  He isn’t perfect, but he makes the girls and I feel loved.  I just wish and pray that he finally overcome this.  We could have a good life together.  We could have a bright future.  

I hope the counseling session next week will help me work on these anxieties.