New and in need of guidance

Hello Pickle,

I've just seen this and can't believe the similarities between our stories. Thanks for your reply on my post. By the sounds of it, we are both struggling with the same issues and emotions. Like you, the hardest thing for me is the complete breakdown of trust. Knowing that he lied to me for so long and has put so much at risk, I just cannot comprehend. The only thing that is keeping him in the house at the moment is the kids, I would rather he went quite frankly as it would make life so much easier for me emotionally as I struggle every hour of the day trying to keep things normal for the kids. I really don't know where this leaves us as I don't know how you can stay with someone you don't trust.

I'm sorry I don't have any answers yet but hopefully others here might be able to help. Someone suggested that I might find GamAnon meetings helpful so I'm going to try and get to one this week or next. I'll let you know how it goes.

And I don't think you need to worry about being selfish, just do whatever you need to do to survive. My parent's don't know yet as I know that it will permanently change the relationship that they have with him and they will worry continually. But I feel like I'm really struggling so might end up telling my Mum soon. Do what you need to do. At the end of it all, even if my husband manages to control his addiction, it's always going to be there and should this all happen again, I'm going to need their support.

Sending hugs back!

Thanks for the response FML,, I appreciate you taking the time. I've looked at the GamAnon sessions but they are 45-60mins away in good traffic so not practical for me with work and the kids. I know I will tell my family as their support is so important to me, but I'm hoping that DH will have actually followed through on his commitment to attend sessions so that I can at least say he's taking control. I want to believe him, but I have a huge fear that he won't and I don't want to carry their disappointment too - does that make sense?

Hi Pickle

You're not being selfish. You've had a horrible shock and you're entitled to feel any way you like about all this. It's not all about him. Don't feel you have to bottle up your feelings or tiptoe round him. I tried that first time round and got all my consideration thrown back in my face when Mr L like your husband went on to do exactly the same thing all over again. After that he was left in no doubt about what I thought of his behaviour and where it has left us. Don't worry too much about understanding the addiction. CG's themselves very often can't explain it in their rational moments and if they can't there's very little hope we can. In any case being too understanding can work against our own interests. Mr L gets the support and understanding he needs from GA. All there 'get it' in a way I never will.

Along with taking control of the finances it would be a good idea to check his credit reports from all three agencies to make sure there's nothing he hasn't told you about. You will also need to monitor these on a regular basis to make sure things stay that way. They are available free from Noddle (Callcredit), Equifax (Clearscore) and Experian via MSE's Credit Club.

You don't have to prove anything to your family on his behalf. He's the one who should be doing that. Use their support though and any other you can access. It's a big burden to carry on your own and keeping a CG's secrets often doesn't end well anyway.

All this can get very consuming. Make sure you put yourself and the children first.

Thanks Lethe, I've asked him to provide me with all 3, I've also switched all our household bills into only my name and reset all the passwors on the accounts (incl banking). He can't apply for loans without proof of address which means a utility bill and all this control makes me feel more in control of something I have little control over. He has been very open and willing so I have some hope that he seriously wants to address his issues, but hope has failed me before and so I'm pretty guarded. I also feel like I'm emasculating him which isn't good long term but it a neccessary evil right now. I just can't imagine ever giving him any control back which surely isn't sustainable - anyway 1 day at a time is my mantra for now.

Hi again

Just to let you know maintaining control of everything is definitely sustainable. It's daunting to start with but as you become used to it it just becomes the new normal. Every savings account is in my sole name and Mr L can only access the joint account which has a low OD limit and which I monitor very regularly keeping the balance at nil avaialble so I can see at a glance what's gone through. I also see receipts for everything he's spent on the card so I can make sure cash (problem area in the past) isn't being taken out under cover of something legitimate. He's on board with this and doesn't actually want to have anything to do with handling money now, ours or anyone else's. If he asked (he doesn't) he could look at the bank accounts any time he wanted but he will never have unscrutinised access to them again.

If you're worried about your husband taking out more credit, get him to attach notices of correction to each report with each agency stating he does not wish to be offered credit even if he applies for it and/or appears to qualify. Mr L's rating is shot but he's still got NOC on each report along these lines against the day the defaults drop off and his rating improves.

Don't think of it as emasculating. If he's serious about recovery he will welcome the chance to show you he means it with ongoing openness and honesty and he will understand why you need the ressurance. It's not wise to trust even a recovering CG too far. The addiction can be arrested but it's never cured and they are only ever one bet away from starting the cycle of disaster all over again.