Hi,
I'm new here and would greatly appreciate any advice you can offer, especially from those that have been through something similiar or can identify with this.
I am extremely worried about my brother who I believe has a severe problem with gambling as well as unresolved emotional issues. I don't feel prepared to go into this in too much information here but something recently happened that prompted me to reach out for help.and I can't stand by and let him suffer on his own. I also feel rotten at denying all this to myself and not trying to help sooner.
The issues of mental health and the phrase "gambling addiction" is not easily discussed in our family and I don't think my parents really even understand what this means. We have been avoiding the issues of my brothers behaviours over the years because I think it was too painful to discuss as a family and really, I don't think any of us were capable, or really knew how to handle it, but he can't go on like this.
He has always had an interest in arcade machines from when he was very young (He is now coming up to 40) , which then moved onto fruit machines and he now regularly plays poker. Most of this is online. He doesn't seem to stay in the one job for too long and has recently left his current position. He spends alot of time in bed and I think especially recently he has been sleeping throughout the day and staying up all night. He has mood swings and I think he has suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. A major problem for me is that he is extremely difficult to communicate with. He often won't respond to anything online and doesn't communicate well in conversation. There has been times when despite calling and visiting we haven't seen or heard from him for months. He has never opened up to his family. He was very open with his partner but unfortunately they have split as she really has supported him but has been through it all with him and just doesn't have the energy any more. She has two children who must be her priority, one of which is his. She really has done all she can.
I feel desperate because I can see my brother just taking himself out of life. I think he feels all he has is his gambling and the fear of leaving that behind would be greater than trying to make it without it. He is incredibly intelligent and creative and has so much talent that could be applied to a more positive end. I wish he knew how much i love him and I'm sorry, i'm so sorry I just wasn't there and it sounds so terrible that, if you're reading this, that it seems we've just left him on his own. It's been really difficult to try and understand but I want to do what i can now. i want him t have a life where he is truly happy because it's so what he deserves.
Please what would you suggest would be my first steps in helping? I'm so cautious about even how I approach this as I don't want him to think I'm interferring or that I'm judging him. I just love him and don't want to loose him to a future that scares me to think about.
Thanks so much for reading through and I hope you find the support you need.
NL
Hi Nicky, I wish I had something more promising to offer but the only way I can see you helping him is to let him know you are there! I am a compulsive gambler, like my mother & I have tried everything to get her into recovery with me to no avail. Addiction is often a crutch for other pain & it's very hard for addicts to heal.
You would be as well to pick up the phone to GamCare & see what a trained advisor can suggest & maybe search out a GamAnon meeting so that you can speak to other loved ones & family members.
If nothing else, this site will give you a safe place to come & not be judged! You are not to blame for his mental state, you can't stop him gambling & you are here now, trying to figure out whether you can help so time to stop beating yourself up. Supporting an active gambler is very hard work & to be best able to do this, you need to look after you first - ODAAT
Maybe send him the exact letter to what you have written above---trust me gambling will be ruining his life, to save it you have to first communicate you know it is doing exactly that and that his disassociation with everyone is not effectively working to hide such a fact very well at all.
He creates distance so others he loves don't feel or see the loss themselves with the belief he only is the loser, yet by doing so you and he have lost, by such disassociation itself.
When the debt and negative effects get so great, withdrawal from the real world becomes natural to a gambler, time has little meaning and containment of the issues a gambler faces are boxed up within the gamblers mind and control by staying away from family/friends or when around them keeping conversation to a minimum or on non related topics such as weather and news, your mind is preoccupied and your not truly there at all.
Best approach in my opinion (which is just that my personal opinion) is to see him alone and tell him you love him and that you already know he could owe the earth but it does not matter as you just want your brother back as he has been temporily taken and replaced by addiction, he then will either deny it or talk or get angry, or let you know the truth.
Don't be shocked if the amounts do shock you.......its usually a shock to any non gambler but its money.....and its gone.......it will eventually take much more than just money if left unchallenged.
Today or tomorrow is better then next week or year.
It won't be solved overnight and it won't be solved at all if he denys you or the existance of the problem.
i wish you the best.
be non judgemental and available and maybe you can not only save a life but gain a closeness to your brother that was better than even before the problem of his addiction.
I was exactly as your brother once...........detached, uncommunicating and drowned in debt and gambling.......i still have debt but 440 days gamble free and i'm still lonely but much closer to family and friends....my lonliness is the lack of filling the gap the gambling used to fill.......only something substancial can fill such a gap........like a soul mate or intense romantic love maybe....for the interim i work hard and drive fast cars........
Regards
LEST-WE-FORGET
Hi, Nicky,
Sorry to hear it, you're caught between a rock and a hard place.
The starting point is to get as much -accurate- information and support as possible for yourself. Read as much as you can of this forum, call the helpline, try GamAnon, tell friends.
The problem with addiction is that you can only control what you do. You can't control what your brother does. Hence the advice to get help and support for you, to cope with the effect that he's having on you. There's no magic pill that you can take to make him change what he does. Therefore however much you worry about him and your parents, you can't fix everything for the rest of your family. Focus on you. The obvious retort is that he has the problem, not you? If your happiness and peace of mind are being affected, if you're the one with the headache, you have your own problem for which you need your own help. Get help, with or without any other family members joining you. However, it would be better if your parents were on board, for example, if the three of you attended GamAnon a few times. You and your parents could then present a united front towards the gambling and it is worth discussing it with them before you assume that they won't want to know. You may find that they think that they're somehow protecting you by keeping quiet. Gambling thrives on secrecy. Gamblers find it easier to gamble if they can divide and rule. So if you and your parents can agree that none of you will bail out, if you work together etc, that would help.
Take care,
CW
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