New to this and scared

I think I need to clear some facts up. My partner has a job but is zero hour contract On the railway, he can’t take a second job as has to be available for work. He spent money he had got for his own children for Xmas. I have bought my own children’s Xmas presents from my money. We have bought his 3 year old joint presents. 
I have told him he needs to keep his own flat and continue to pay for that even though he stays at my house 99% of the time. We have no joint bank accounts and I earn my own full time wage and pay my own bills. He has downloaded a blocking app this morning which I set the pin for and get alerts when f he tries to unlock it.

i have told him I can’t promise not to leave and have also told him I no longer trust him which he was hurt by and seemed surprised. I will not lend him any more money for food or train (though he did always pay that back) and realise he needs to feel the consequences of his gambling and cannot do that if I financially help him or constantly forgive his apologies. 
he is never ever controlling and is kind and loving. I have previously experienced controlling and abusive marriage and know the signs. I will never return to that sort of relationship and am strong enough to walk away and protect myself and children from that.

my issue is the strong emotional bond we have after such a short time and I care about him and can see this causes great guilt and shame. However I’ve been very straight with him that I won’t accept this and will only stay if he shows he is actively seeking support. 
I know he needs to want to do this himself and maybe it won’t work out, certainly his alcoholism previously cost him his relationships, but he got treatment and beat that addiction and I hope with support he can do the same now.

You don't need to understand. Being too understanding leaves you open to further manipulation. Mr L gets his support, understanding and grounding from GA. My job is to protect my interests. 

There's no rush for him to give up his flat. Leaving that open-ended gives you breathing space to see if he's willing to commit to all it takes to stop. Once he's living with you he has a safety net. Do you want to end up paying all the bills because he's gambled his share of the rent or food? Unless he wants to stop and stay stopped (which he doesn't at least at present) that's where this is heading.

Difficulty is, if he keeps flat but stays here he has to pay for rent and bills at the flat and can’t contribute here which I could really use. Can I ask what you mean when you say being understanding brings manipulation?
I have tried to protect myself by joining this forum, registering for counselling and keeping my own finances safe. 
My partner has completed module one of the cbt course and added blocking apps but doesn’t not want to ring the helpline, join the forum, have counselling or go to the go about his mental health/insomnia/anxiety etc. I’ve said he is responsible for himself and my job is to keep myself safe from now on.

im sad I have put all my barriers back up and lost trust in him and our relationship, and some of the lines he says I’ve heard many times before from my ex husband after he drank or hit me eg I promise I’ll never do it again, promise me you won’t leave me, I’m sorry im s**t, talking to someone won’t help etc. 
my head feels like it’s going to explode, I can’t sleep properly and keep having nightmares. Does anyone every beat this?

Being understanding can all too easily spill over into believing what we're told without questioning too deeply. A gambler will tell us whatever they think we want to hear to get us off their backs. They play on the fact we want to believe it because we want an end to it all. Best not to believe a word he says without verifying it independently for yourself. The fact he's hurt and surprised by you not trusting him doesn't bode well. What else does he expect after the way he's behaved? He's not exactly putting his all into setting up blocks and getting help and advice either. Action not words is what counts.

Hi Han 

4 months? How much do you know about a person in 4 months?

I have a saying, ‘you only know what a person chooses to show you’.  
Compulsive gamblers are compulsive liars, addicts are addicts. We have no idea what drives an addict. They will do whatever to get their fix. 

You don’t need to take on his problem. This is far too soon to be responsible for his money. You cannot fix him, can’t do it for him.

He’s already lost other relationships, his own child is not enough to stop him.

So what will? What happens if he doesn’t stop? 
You say he’s keeping his flat, bills etc still to pay. If no one is there the bills are minimal. What did he used to do for food? Where is his money that he uses to live on?

I don’t mean to sound harsh but there is a part of me that wishes I knew all of this before I married my husband and had 2 kids.

Your boyfriend is substituting one addiction for another because he won’t address his issues. He has said he will not seek help.

You’re right not to make promises you cannot keep. Loving someone with an addiction is hell, heartbreaking, depressing, years of debt, worry, indecision, self doubt.

The only person who can help them is themselves. You need to concentrate on yourself. You need to detach, learn not to play the games of manipulation.

This is my opinion from my experience. I think that GA really helped my husband, he didn’t stick at it for years. I don’t think I could cope if I didn’t attend/contribute at gamanon.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. This is a long road.

Hi, can I ask what is different about GA or gananom that isn’t in gam

care. I tried to join but the website was down. I’m in a tier 3 area so everything is virtual at the moment which is a shame. I think he’d do better with a group which he had when he got alcohol support.

my head feels like it is going to explode and I’ve become really snappy and irritable. I can feel myself detaching emotionally already to protect myself. I literally feel heart broken and never imagined in a million years I’d be back in this position again! I really thought I’d found the one ?

GA- gamblers anonymous for the gambler. Gamanon - for family/ partners those affected by someone gambling

I understood what they stood for. I wondered what the difference is of using those to using gam care support?

Oh sorry lol !! I used the helpline once but I know some people use it when they are really low for that support when they most need it. I had counselling arranged by Gamcare which was about a week after it was offered to me and it was really good with a lady who was really good. In fact she was so helpful and had real insight into gambling I would say it's really thanks to her that my recovery started well. I think you can be referred as an affected partner as well. Also Gamcare runs a family and friends support chatroom that everyone speaks highly of. GA and Gamanon are separate to Gamcare but a support network and I suppose really it's up to the individual to try and find out what suits them best. I find GA gives me so much support and I know a few of the guys partners use Gamanon and find the support of others in the same boat huge. Up to you to give things a try see what helps the most. Hope you get what you need

Gamanon is partners group alongside GA. go to their website for info, online meetings Sunday 7pm, zoom as well in the week.

They are groups of compulsive gamblers- GA, run by recovering gamblers who attend each week/day. Life experience, support, 12 step program.

Gamanon is f&f supporting each other. 

Gamcare are counsellors paid. Mostly cbt therapy. 

I’ve had help from gamcare, but it’s not long term or forever.

 
Gamanon is there, each week. Once lockdown is over you may be near a meeting.

Personally long term support is far better for me.

Hi Han.

Yes its good to clear a few facts up

Forgive me if I've been sounding personal or a bit patronising. Its the nature of advice and not easy to write words in the right way that may be helpful to you.

At this stage its general advice and you take on board what you are ready to accept.

We understand that the complexities of a relationship have to suit you and you will have your own way you like to do things based on the strong foundations.

I was just mentioning things like pride for him. I know its not easy to find other work quickly.

Its for you to decide. Our role is just to stress the nature of the addiction. With some knowledge the stress should ease if you are protecting and controlling finances

I admire that you care...you should care about people as its a good human quality. None of us are trying to split you up without reason. Im hoping that you will help him and a recovery journey goes well.

You seem a strong enough person to keep aware and keep your eyes open. You can do this if you feel has qualities that are good for you

Thats all we can ask of you. You are getting some strong talk because we care. Its nothing personal. The decisions are yours.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

I

Thankyou for all your advice. I am taking it all on board and cannot express how much I appreciate this forum. It has enabled me to be stronger. I have now confided in my parents and best friend and no longer feel I am party to this secret. They have been great. I am seeking self care and have been absolutely clear with him about where I stand. I feel I have to give him the opportunity to prove himself and he has overcome alcohol in the past and even with all this stress has not returned to drink. 
I have told him he needs to do this for him and not me. I am getting the help I need to understand my need to fix people and problems (though I work on child protection so maybe it’s just part of who I am).

thankyou all for all your advice. I really appreciate it and only cleared up facts as it felt a bit disloyal not to.