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Hi Half Life, thanks for your reply - really helpful as is your other posts to other people.

At the moment the situation is no cash, no gamble - so as I hold the most of the money in my account I have a certain control. But sometimes he plays the card of "well its my money, give me x amount" Would you advise I stick to my guns and say no? How to do women keep control but not demean the man?

Also I put funds online every now and again for football bets (although he also does the horses now) My question is by letting him have a small fix every now and again - is this encouraging him to gamble more or am I helping him not to go hunting down bookies? Is it best to push him cold turkey? No cash no gamble...or will that not change a jot?

Thanks again!

Hey Emzie. My partner of 6 years sounds just like yours. By allowing him to gamble, you just assist the addiction. If he was a drug addict, you wouldn't let him have a 'small daily fix' you need to stop it in its tracks. By taking control of his money, that's the first step. I moved in with my boyfriend after 4 years, and as of last month I'll have bailed him out to the tune of £18,000. Last night, I found that he'd gambled £1000 on the horses whilst I was in bed. Deep down, I knew after a couple of years he had a problem, but refused to think that it wasn't manageable. The only way is to ban betting, and keep hold of his money. If he wants to play the 'it's my money card' then simply tell him that if he wants to handle his money, he has to prove that he can do 12 months gambling free. It's the only way, and I only wished I'd have listened to my gut! You have to take control and protect yourself at all times. X

Hi Emzie, welcome to the forum 🙂

I can't advise you on how to move forwards with this but I can say for me my OH pooh poohed every sneaky scheme I came up with to keep the fire burning & a year down the line I am eternally grateful! For me, the 'thrill' of what can only be described now as chucking all my money, plus anything the bank/credit cards/family would lend me, away on the machines would never have been quenched by online gambling! I'm not computer savvy & when I did go online to try it, it just felt like watching the wheels spin on my old Texas instrument that used to take 3 days to program & then could only be played for an hour because it was prone to overheating! No thrill because the wheels just span as I sat there expecting the program to be corrupt (1 wrong letter could stop it working) knowing it would soon come to an end. I think he is just taking whatever scraps you are throwing him @ the moment & will keep pushing & pushing for more! I would hate for it to be the case but are you checking his credit report?

In answer to your earlier questions, it is entirely possible to love you @ the same time but I'll be completely honest, all the time he is active, you are only getting a mask! He gambles because he is an addict, all the reasons you ask about, they're all reasons in our gambling minds why we do it...All your fault too I might add, we don't like accepting responsibility! If it hasn't started already, it wil be your fault when he loses or your fault when a sure thing you wouldn't let him bet on would have made him rich! We are very manipulative always needing money for this & for that, lots of people on here provide receipts for everything...No money does mean no gamble but don't underestimate how adept we are @ getting our hands on cash.

I have a lot to learn about recovery, there is a high probability that running from a trauma caused him to turn to gambling in the 1st place & he will need every bit of energy you can spare to support him if he is ready to get help BUT & here is the main thing, first & foremost, you need to take care of you! Phone Gamcare, go to Gamanon, come here, tell people...You didn't ask for this & it hurts so you are going to need support for you!

You are not alone, be kind to you - ODAAT

Hi, Emzie,

My husband is a long term CG, now in recovery. He attends GA and I go to GamAnon. Their view is that all betting has to stop because of the lack of control mentioned earlier. CGs can't win because they simply can't stop and this has been said in other posts. Once in recovery the bet to avoid is the first one because then the madness takes over.

My husband hid it for years but when I found out first time round, I got denials, justifications ("investment not gambling"), half measures and lies and the gambling continued unabated. This time I have full financial control, all possible barriers are up and he is committed to GA. There is a real difference this time; one reason is that I'm much more clued up. I can usually recognise Gambler's Nonsense when I hear it, I can tell when I'm being manipulated, I don't blindly believe what he says. Information is key, this forum is a good source but GamAnon has various booklets and for me, going to the meetings is worth the effort, I recommend it.

In my opinion, Gambler's Nonsense includes the "It's my money" line. You are supposed to be a couple, why is it not family money and why does "his" money take priority over his debts? GN also includes persuading you to deposit money for him. And GN includes persuading you to accept without too many questions that he's prone to stealing.

From an emotional viewpoint, my husband was dedicated to the gambling and not to me. We're trying to rebuild but bad habits were established over a long time and trying to learn new ones isn't easy. You do need all the support you can get. And to survive, put yourself first.

Take care,

CW

re the comment about him being gamnling free for 12 months: this doesnt mean he is "cured". My husband stopped gambling for a couple of years, only to relpase again to the tune of several thousand pounds and the same old story: lies, deceit, covering his tracks etc etc. From my experience and reading many of the threads on the forum, I'm not convinced a CG ever gives up entirely .

Evening all.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler in recovery and I would like to elaborate on the words of tootsie, I think that the major problem is in many cases that a cure is sort for the compulsive gambler, when in truth there is no such thing, there's no medicine, intervention, mind changing event that will stop me from being an addict.

There is only one person who can choose that today I will have remained in recovery and that's me.

My addiction cannot be harnessed or managed, if fed it will never be satisfied, if treated as it's no longer a problem it will return with a vengeance, if swept under the carpet it will lay there happily until someone or something lifts that carpet back up.

For the first eighteen months I was here I sang all the right tunes, danced when expected to and kept everyone happy.

Unfortunately I failed to address the elephant in the room

To arrest the next punt is the easy part,it's learning what to do with the opportunity it granted that is where the work begins.

I ignorantly believed stopping gambling was going to provide the solution and answers to all life's woes

That is almost as ridiculous as believing that feeding addiction would eventually bring a change in fortunes save for the fact that not gambling only damages internally, mentally.

I learnt a priceless lesson that last day I gambled and that is the fight I face each day is one with an internal solution, the only person I have to fear is the one I have bred within.

So my advice stop looking for that 'cure' it's a futile act, nor try to control addiction, because without doubt I pledge that gambling addiction is hugely progressive in its nature.

Until the addict seeks to enter recovery your efforts will be wasted on them.

Plain and simply you need to focus all the effort you have and can muster on entering recovery yourselves.

You like my wife are the all too often muted innocent victims of the compulsion to gamble.

I am deeply ashamed of what I fed my own addiction to become the person I did.

Today I have an understanding of myself and shoulder the sole responsibility of my actions, I wish to simply stop the same happening to you and your lives.

Invite your partners to read this thread, because I am humbled by the compassion you all show.

I thank you all for your continued contributions

I hope you are granted the same therapy as myself.

Don't ever blame yourselves

Gift yourselves the recovery you all deserve.

Duncan mcquilken, recovering compulsive gambler.