Hi,
My partners 19yo son has lost circa £30k in the past year and we found out 2 weeks ago.
He had to pay a balance on a holiday he had booked with friends, and told his dad he had the cash but needed his dad to do a bank transfer, only when his dad said he’d collect the cash then do the transfer did he own up.
He is about to come into some inheritance, so his dad has said this money will come from that as will the spending money.Â
His son has no job, though says he’s actively looking (weirdly gave up a good employed job saying he was going to get labouring work at better pay as part of his plan to sort out his finances but that’s not been happening) sold some electronics to raise the cash for the holiday but that’s gone.
After some chats he says he only has his overdraft of about £2k to pay back (his dad did pay off £500 on a card that had charges being applied) he has said he would stop going out other than one night a week due to no money, and parents asked him when he does that he needs to come home while he rebuilds trust. So far the 2 times he’s been out he’s stayed out (and has given ‘reasonable excuses’ why) I wonder if there could be drugs involved?Â
My question is as I’m not one of the parents I feel that giving him ‘credit’ of the soon to come inheritance to go away on holiday while he has overdraft still outstanding and no job feels somewhat like they are enabling him to get credit and have no accountability for the situation. They are coming at it that he says he’s stopped and according to bank statements not gambled in about a month now, should they be trusting him at this stage? My instinct says no but I get that they are more emotionally attached to him than I am (I do care about him greatly) I just worry that he hasn’t got a handle on the gambling and if he gets money in any form will be too tempted?
Hi Loubylou,Â
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your situation with us. We would always encourage people to keep firm boundaries around their own finances if someone close to them is struggling with their gambling. Feel free to contact our 24/7 live chat or freephone helpline (0808 8020 133) if you would like to explore this in more depth.
You could also encourage others closely involved to make contact as we can help with blocking the easy access to gambling and offer free support for anyone who may need additional help in this situation.Â
kind regards,Â
Tom (forum admin)Â
@k68x9pince Good evening Loubylou
Â
Thought i would add some offer of wise words from me as an affected other of a close relative with gambling harm difficulties. Firstly , i am sorry to hear you are watching all this happen and feel powerless to help in a way. Its important for you to offload your feelings, so well done
It was actually my son, and it is the hardest journey for a parent to watch. Your emotions and decisions about support can often be conflicting in your own head.Â
I enabled for years as I rescued my son and helped keep the wolves away, but now i reflect back and know i did wrong as it prolonged the pain.Â
Things that make a difference are keep communication open, make them aware that trust is earnt and also that you still love them even though the harm and hurt that cause with their gambling actions. I know that their own hurt is deeper.Â
The decision to stop always has to be the individuals decision. Parents rock bottom is not always rock bottom for their loved one especially if you are saving them each time as I did.
I wonder if there is anyone that can talk to both your partner and his son about help to recover. Point them to Gamcare that can offer all types of support for anyone at all that is affected by their own gambling harm or someone they care for. I can vouch for all the advisers I spoke to over a 9 year period that just listened to me.
Well done anyway for your brave post . Friends and family chatroom is open on Thursday evenings for others that will know how you feel.
Best wishes Patsy
Â
Â
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
